u/AngelFishUwU

So extremely cooked in fact like he’s very young, but I will say the things he does is very concerning and I’m someone who looks into psychopathy a lot, and I do worry for him, but I also feel like I might have bit off way too much that I could chew

He doesn’t have his biological parents because they are pedophiles and are a little bit crazy and thankfully his dad didn’t do anything because my family took him in for four years and then he got taken from us by his father and then immediately in the care of my Aunti he lived for 4 years until she literally passed away they already fucked him up. His behavior was already pretty horrible even with her, and even when she was on her deathbed, I mean, reasonably so because it was so extremely stressed out.

Constantly, I’m trying not to raise someone who is a psychopath or maybe even conduct disorder or something around that area especially since he’s saying really disturbing things that being said he is a child, but he was just recently talking to me about digging up fucking graves and saying that would smell bad and he shouldnt do that which is probably because he misses his Aunti yeah that’s probably why he’s saying that there’s even like a knife scare where when he was living with us for the first couple of weeks knives were going missing and in places in the house and we didn’t wanna blame him for even though we knew he had behavioral issues, but unfortunately, it was him and even then when we told him repeatedly not touch them, he took every chance he could when no one was looking or when people were fucking sleep to play with knives and it took me being turned behind my back when I left the knife on the table, and I looked in the microwave plastic, and it was reflective to see that he was swinging it around dead ass freaking lied about it he thinks everybody is dumb and after that we moved the knives that’s like really freaking scary.

There are so many things wrong with him and he is on medication. He is going to be going to therapy soon and a ton of other shit but then I’m worrying like he’s probably never going to get better because he’s also mentally stunted. He is a 10-year-old with the mindset of a kindergartener 80iq who hardly understands other people‘s perspectives and only abide by them because we’re trying to install some sort of logical thinking, even though he doesn’t understand it.

My mom is like starting to give up and send him to the state amount how that’s going to mess up his brain even further he was taken away from his biological family. He was taken away from us. He was taken away to live with his Aunti and then back with us imagine what gonna happen if we send him off and how that would really fuck up his brain right and people who will have him not understand him or the severity of his behavior.

Like not only that he’s looked up Gore like this boy is crazy bro he loves to look at his blood. He loves looking at other people‘s blood so whenever someone’s hurt in the household, we immediately get him out of the room because he wants to look at that shit he wants to play with his blood. We don’t leave him around animals. The only thing he likes to torture and kill are bugs which good but also very concerning it’s not an animal, but still.

So hopefully by the time he’s like 12 years old, he starts to develop at least two more years older or a couple of more and doesn’t become something concerning. I can go on about so many things I forgot to mention these autistic about the level one or level two he’s definitely off his rocker, and the only thing that autism has anything to do with any of his behavior would be the emotional instability and lack of understanding of concepts and other people, and when he was first living of us in the first couple of weeks, I was concerned that he didn’t have empathy and I have come to realize he does when he started crying like that was the best thing for me. I was happy to see him cry, cause I was like if he doesn’t cry he’s not right. And slowly start to empathize with people and understand people that’s enough for me but geez.

It makes me so severely angry because right now I’m dealing with a friend online friend which I don’t know. It’s not a big deal. I mean we’re close but something about an online friend feels different from the physical, but they really have helped me and been great.

I just really sucks having someone who will probably never understand you and especially since they want constant attention, which I guess it makes sense they’re valid, but it sucks to be always tired to be not interested in a lot of things I mean I can read them pretty well. They thought that may not interacting as much as I was, and it wasn’t like it wasn’t at all was because I was angry at them, but it was just simply because I was depressed as fuck and I was trying to set up certain appointment so that I could become better and I mean the good thing is that they realize that they were wrong even after I told them I wasn’t upset with them

And then no matter how much I have concerns about myself and what I consider not normal, especially with me being constantly moody I mean it’s so freaking miserable he’s like well it’s not proven that you have depression. True it just seems a little bit invalidating, but I did just recently go to whatever this conversation was about online with a professional in others where I’ve just scored pretty high on being very depressed I would love a professional conversation about this topic, but I don’t understand why my friend has so much pushback on me being depressed like whether I was or wasn’t I’m obviously dealing with a lot

I also know that to an extent they’re probably not going to be able to understand and because they are also, but only friend, even when they beg me to express myself, I don’t because it’s more draining to express myself to them and isn’t healthy for the relationship in the long run, especially since I know that will probably be all I do since the feelings I feel never go away and it even feels pointless on us. I’m with a professional.

Not like that I’m kind of jealous of them. I mean they’ve been through hell they’ve been doing more health than me and I do think they have trauma and they’re hurt, but their brain was able to manage in a way where their thoughts don’t hurt them constantly or that they’re able to carry on with life and or not be able to comprehend depression, and I’ve had several talks about them about their feelings and they just don’t feel the same way I feel about things along with other people around me in my life. It really does feel alienating.

I don’t want him to go. I’m so scared about what could happen. He is going through a lot too. I can’t imagine the whole change that would happen what he would do.

We have a year until our custody gets like renewed or something, and she will decide whether she wants to renew it or not to send them to the state.

So during that time, I’m going to try and improve what I do around the household, which has been extremely hard for me because I’m dealing a whole lot but I think whenever he flips out I’m gonna try and be more comforting which I’ve been doing but he’s different and I didn’t want to baby him because he’s nine years old at the same time he’s just he still autistic and some things don’t need to be exactly how you treat a nine year-old so I do want to comfort him a lot more when he’s having his meltdown to prevent my mom from needing to intervene or to be stressed out

I want to help him improve when I get my medication for my depression and for whatever else is wrong with me, I want to be going to the park more. I want to be going outside more something to get them out the house so that my mom can get her sanity.

And then not only that he has wished death upon her now he’s a kid and he’s going through a lot of emotions and but it really hurts. It really freaking hurts to have your kids say that they want you dead all because you want to stop them from being destructive and that they’re not showing the way they feel properly and could potentially hurt others, right and she’s tired of being told that and then not only that he has history with playing with knives and all of our knives are put up, but it is just one thing after another so I do wanna try the best. I can prevent anything from happening to him.

He apologized. He’s about like level one level two autistic but he apologized and he started crying and he said he was sorry and similar situations have happened and I know he’s a kid but sometimes it just feels like that sorry doesn’t mean anything. It’s something for me, but probably not to my mom and then it might happen again this is what I’m saying.

I’ve been afraid to be too cuddly with him because he’s been acting like a baby or younger than his age is purposely and I don’t think that’s good for him for his age because bullies might laugh at that. That’s probably what he needs. It’s not like I don’t give him any affection. It’s complicated.

But I think during his outburst I think just having our explanation and then just completely getting over it and just going into another room and we just holding him and trying to regulate him could just help even if I’m drained I’m going to try and do that like because he ends up having baby talk or sounding like one man whining. I’ll figure out a way to prevent it from me picking him want to regress cause I do want to freaking hold him this is probably my excuse to hold them like a baby. 😂 or I can bring his weighted blanket and just kind of be there with him. But I really don’t want him to regress because I’m comforting him.

I want him to be ready for this world or maybe realize that you acting like a baby isn’t the only way for me to comfort you

This was a choice made by my mom. I don’t really have a choice in this. I might be 19 I might have some mild responsibility for him, but I don’t think I’m competent enough for you know adult enough to take care of him until my life is stable or to make decisions because I don’t even have my own place to even decide that shouldn’t happen. No one else does.

He doesn’t have any family aside from us like he’s my biological cousin. Both of his parents are mentally ill like pedophiles and just whatever a lot of my family can’t take care of him outside of my family like whatever it’s my cousins or Aunti’s. They have their own kids they’re old, etc.. His main caregiver is dead. She had cancer and he treated her badly I mean.

We’ve had him for about since he was eight so he’s gonna be with us for about end of the year I think and even after he gets his therapy even after he gets his medication or whatever we need to do he’s not going to be with us anymore because my mom doesn’t want to kill herself trying so hard for someone who maybe the change is going to be slow maybe for someone who seemingly does not care for her he may be a child, but it’s still a lot.

Even after we’ve told him was going to happen he still doesn’t understand and that’s what hurts. He doesn’t understand. It’s not from some sort of malicious thing. He has an IQ of 80 so like that’s kindergarten level I don’t know exactly what’s going on inside of his brain and he’s 9 years old. It hurts to know he just simply doesn’t understand the weight of what he has done to my mother and quite frankly to the family.

And a lot of people are going to see that as dumb, childish selfish for what we are doing, and I’ve fought against it as much as I could or add my logic to it, but I understand her. I saw him as my son basically it hurts me. I’ve known him since day one I wish we always had him.

And what was the straw for my mother well he didn’t want to sleep alone and we’ve had times we’re just like OK cool we’ll sleep with you well but we can’t force my brother my other brother to sleep with him, especially with his behavior and treatment towards me, my brother doesn’t like it. He’s tired too. He’s just 10 years old. He wants to sleep by himself and sleep somewhere else so we let him we can’t force him to sleep with somebody who’s being very disrespectful whether they understand they’re being disrespectful or not. And that cost my cousin to flip out he was flipping out before that even happened. He was flipping out because he wasn’t taking my authority seriously messing with the very expensive cups and I gave him a chance to use them, but he just didn’t wanna go in the kitchen with them and was completely laughing. Every single thing I was saying and then got aggressive that I took the cup cause I was scared he was going to break it.

So after he finds out that his brother will not be sleeping in the same room with him he just didn’t wanna go to sleep and he has multiple times where he will sleep by himself and no matter how much explaining I did he didn’t wanna listen. I’m tired. It’s 11 AM. I just took my medication so that I could sleep so it made me way more tired than what I needed to be and I just didn’t have the energy for it. Eventually, my mom got tired of him being on my door going back-and-forth with him and she tried to talk with him and things escalated from there and he kicked a hole in the TV and he said some nasty things to her and it was just too much he didn’t wanna clean the room so she cleaned the room she did it herself. She took some of his things that were either already broken or whatever she did in the heat of the moment and she said she’s done.

And yeah, this might’ve been like a for a lot of people very small thing or a one off thing, but this has been about two years of this sort of behavior and hardly any improvement. I would say the medication helped. I would say that we’re trying to get some therapy and that was. Hard to do because they didn’t wanna give us insurance. We don’t have the money and a whole half a year of when we should’ve gotten insurance and where we should’ve saw improvement down the drain my mom already has four children she needs to borrow her money towards.

And obviously, she knew that she was going to put in the responsibility of another child, but I think she’d greatly underestimated on what she could do even then she was willing to give up and work more and do harder for someone, and obviously as a child he would never ever fully reciprocate, even if he wasn’t behavior not OK or something but even the bare minimum of a child trying to improve or just be I don’t know it just took a toll on her. It’s taking a toll on everybody in the household. The kids are scared the kids are they feel bad like yeah he was a lot, but they saw him as a brother. I saw him as my son, but opportunities and things are being taken from them because of him at the end of the day their toys are being broken. They’re having to be verbally abused by their little cousin or everyone around them just being simply drained and stressed out that they can’t spend time with the other kids or deal with the other kids or the other kids don’t even have a chance to be behaving themselves because they want to or because they know wanna have some autonomy because someone else is taking up all that.

I don’t know what’s going to happen. My worries is that if he goes to someone else they might not understand what to do. They might not restrict his content like I did because of his like a violence in blood and whatever the hell I get scared, he’s going to become someone who might end up on the news. I’m scared of his future and I was thinking like maybe when he’s 12 years old, he would get better or improve but like he’s not gonna be here for me to find that out and it probably might not happen that’s all I have to say it’s just me putting in my thoughts out. I don’t know. He still doesn’t give a fuck. He’s a kid he has autism. His brain isn’t like other people.

He asked me if I’m going to forget him I said no and the day or at night he had the iPad taken. He had the TV taken because we actually have two TVs and this morning you’re still asking for those things he doesn’t understand the weight of what he’s done he knows he’s going to be going somewhere else, but he’s just not understanding how much he’s her other people. He’s a child I get it but it’s a lot and he’s still frustrated with us. He sees us as a nuisance or in his way, no matter what explanation he just gets in or angry or blames us just simply doesn’t understand ❤️

Does it matter

Feels bad though because like I’ve given so much attention to an issue he’s dealing with or something he doesn’t like and sometimes he’s just gonna have to suck it up because the world doesn’t revolve around him and it’s him being upset that he has to sleep alone. He’s nine years old. He’s going to be 10. He’s pretty functional and sometimes his brother doesn’t want to sleep in the same room as him. It’s very rare that he doesn’t, and he immediately sees it as a punishment.

So it’s bedtime and he’s doing everything to get on my last nerve. I gave him a reason. I explained everything to him and he won’t stop asking me. I’m setting up the kitchen and he just sat there. I’m not sure if it was for company. I’m not sure if it was to get me to acknowledge him which I very much was until I got tired, and I turned off the light there was someone else still in the kitchen though, and I walked off, and he got extremely angry and knowing that I wasn’t going to acknowledge his stubbornness or acknowledged the fact that he didn’t go straight to the bed like I said that immediately had him saying some things behind my back and that’s also the main issue as to why his sibling doesn’t feel comfortable sleeping with him cause he can be extremely rude when he doesn’t get his way it’s almost no point in trying to be kind because if you do want to do something your way you’re just going to get shit I mean I’m happy after his little fit. He went straight to bed, knowing that I gave as much answers as I could, and that that’s the end of it and I’m not going back-and-forth.

It’s really draining and I think me just shutting up or doing my own thing. I hope some realize that sometimes you’re going to have to deal with stuff or sometimes people just get too tired to continue.

I’ve looked up a little bit, but I don’t feel like it. Oh my God.

And maybe I feel more depressed because I felt like what it felt like to be a normal person for about a week. The first week I took it and people would be like placebo shut the fuck up my ride is on fire and for like a whole week it was like really good and then after that I’ve been on it for like three months now no shit nothing so I just feel like crap and then obviously it gets worse at night

So I’m going to assume they’re my depression gets worse at night or the effects of the medicine gets lesser at night but like it hardly helps me like there’s no difference hardly to anything. It’s so miserable. I’m actually losing my shit.

I’ve been trying that as well slowly and honestly I make things so that I can just be proud of myself and I am but small thing bother me

I wonder how I can also instead of like having characters only standing or I don’t know. I find interest in drawing characters and I don’t think there’s anything wrong with doing that.

I’m not a professional and these are methods that you can choose or try. Every child is different and sometimes they’re really stubborn or really triggered by sensory sensation so there’s hardly much you can do, but it isn’t nothing you can do.

There’s work arounds another thing I don’t have experience with level 3 children. I have all levels of autism in my family as in my cousins, and I have a cousin with autism who lives with me with level 2 I even babysit a child with level 1 and 3, so I’m not sure how working with someone who is high needs long term can be, but I’m sure it’s worth a shot.

1️⃣Making it a game not a punishment you have to make sure that you’re a very self regulated parent and so make it into a game. You guys can write down what exactly makes them uncomfortable. They have to give you an answer if they don’t give you anything no matter what you squeeze out of them fine but there’s something bothering them whether it be texture smell feeling and sometimes it’s just they don’t want to try something new. There’s also certain disorders that give them extreme anxiety, but these things can be worked around whether it’s medication therapy or professionals.

2️⃣. Force-feeding nope 👎 is extremely scary. Honestly, you have to do something small if they will not open their mouth you really are just going to have to give up. You have to start small. You can coerce them or make it into a game also have them holding in their mouth for about two seconds because sometimes they just spit it out without thinking even if it’s not a sensory issue it’s because it’s something that they’re not used to or it’s just because they don’t like it. It’s not even about that. It fuels their body. They just don’t like it and that it is a justifiable reason not to eat it. It’s not for self preservation sometimes. If u get away with saying no pad try it.

3️⃣ when making food make their plate exactly like everyone else’s but you can give them extremely small portions small spoon full. Make sure nothing‘s touching though it depends on the child if they care or not it makes them feel a part of the family and sometimes especially if they have defiant disorder, you can walk away turn around and mind your business and they might get curious especially if they’re very hungry and they’re not getting the proper nutrients. They might just end up doing it because they also see other children and other family members enjoying it and they feel left out or curious.

4️⃣ depends on your child and how they react to praise when they complete the bare minimum of even trying the smallest of food. Make it a very big deal. Have everyone clap do what makes your child feel appreciated sometimes they will pretend not to like it, but you can see a smile at the corner of their mouth because they at least tried.

5️⃣ you can try supplements like certain brands, make things and powders that you could put in your autistic children’s food so that they can get proper nutrients if you’re extremely concerned it’s odorless tasteless and make sure your kid doesn’t see you do it.

6️⃣ you could try eating with your kid when you’re eating make it seem like you really freaking love it like it was your first meal again that’s gonna make them feel like they’re missing out or it encourages them to eat just like their parent.

7️⃣ just because your kid is usually picky. Don’t tell them you probably won’t like it just because they usually don’t like it if it’s because you don’t want them to have your own food then fine say you just don’t want them to have your stuff but what you tell them is what they are probably going to believe and put no effort into trying anything new when there’s an opportunity sees it.

8️⃣:( unfortunately some parents can’t cook so make sure you can sometimes it’s not just the child 😂

9️⃣ make sure your calm and self regulated but I understand if u need to calm down

1️⃣0️⃣ cook with them or guide them in the steps especially in their favorite meals. They learned that you know the chicken starts off pretty freaking gross but it’s still good once everything is prepared and ready.

1️⃣1️⃣ smoothies, sneak things in their smoothies, though if they can tell, then don’t do it a regular smoothie is still good enough, but it’s surprising. A lot of children like them and you could turn them into Popsicles and sneak stuff into that.

1️⃣2️⃣ stay away from processed foods if you have autism and you are concerned that your child might you genuinely do not know your child. You do not know what level your child was going to be. You do not know their personality. If you have autism, I would stay away from processed foods or at least heavily processed for at least the first 8 years of their life. Make food with them, get them very comfortable in the kitchen in the process of making food when they’re literally a fetus make sure they can watch you cook they can watch every step. Incorporate high texture foods in their diet even babies end up having extreme sensory reactions and you really are going to have to stop giving them those foods because it can be a lot. They even throw up.

Really do stay away from fast food places and cook the things that they want from there and make sure you’re really good at it.

1️⃣3️⃣when making foods you could put food coloring in your food to get them comfortable with extremely different colors. Oh yeah, my mom gave me purple cheese and it tasted completely fine etc

It’s giving Chihuahua or type six in disguise I don’t really know the point of this post but it’s here

It’s like they want to get in trouble anything to be defiant he’s my cousin by the way and regardless is so disrespectful turning small things into big things or saying he don’t care if my mom needs sleep and he’s loud.

Oh and it def pissed my mom off he feels like a target but begs for the heat and can’t handle it treat others how u want to be treated that simple I think he will realize how much we give regardless of his treatment when he’s old enough and gets out his butt.

Not to be edgy teen or any thing but like I'm so flip floppy emotionally or maybe I just have poor regulation I try keep it together I was just happy with my friend and one little thing just made me so exaental crisis or I'm so stressed people think I'm like 🤣pls going through psychosis I'm vary much aware of that and I worry about that I'm educated well on it to I just get so stressed over things it prob makes peoplethink that not to mention my poor punctuation; that being said I know how illogical things are or how I switched feelings but I really do try keep it together and it eats me up.

Maybe in the future I'll get the help I need and I actually kinda just started it's just gonna take a bit man.

My dreams have never been vivid so or much but I've been having so many and of stuff I like its been fun mor have I had nightmares even before lexpro

It's been fun being able to talk about my dreams with my friend since I never really had any also so many dreams in a night has been fun 😭✌️I def shouldnt be taking to many naps in a day but they have really been fun and something new everytime.