u/Ashley9871

its a problem. Deep down inside I never feel good enough compared to others due to past trauma and never really feeling appreciated much. But I learned if I pretend hard enough that im happy with myself I'll be fine.

Issue. It makes me extremely self centric, it makes me believe im better then everyone else that my drawing skills are up to if not above par then everyone else "the lie". That me as a person isnt just a lonely creep who wants to be loved that I just need to keep waiting for the right person even though im sick of waiting and waiting and waiting for something that will never come. Because everyone deep down inside just wants to avoid me. Im only noticed by my mistakes how annoying I am, how hideous I am. My reflection is sometimes not my own.

I feel so inadequate.

Its like drowning above water, shame on me for trying to be like them shame on me for trying to be someone a real online personality but it just never works in the end. change my name change anything about myself and the parasite that lives in everyone will know me will reject me because im never good enough im not useful to anyone better as a paperweight then a human a carpet to walk on.

shut up its just so much noise I hear them at least I know what they say about me when im not looking the freak the creep the hated they all hate me in the end and ill never make new friends I cant trust anyone they could be infected diseased mentally ill freaks but their so much better then me if I just let go and gave in

I would never

shut up. just 5 seconds of peace please sleep is the only escape for me I dont know who I am or who I want to be. talented loved just one more minute of your time please notice me please I must be real right. is it all just my imagination to think people think better of me that im really real that im someone somewhere a person

im not arent I im nothing to nobody useful only when told what to do and how to do it no opinion a tool discard when through and well used. useless worthless..

shut up.

nevermind.

And enemies. It could be that I am just really starved of compliments but whenever I do something I appreciate im my own and only critic, reviewer and admirer. I used to have a someone I could share with someone I could copy and enjoy new ideas with. They were too mentally far gone and we had to split up.

Maybe its my autism maybe im just that egocentric. And it goes both ways I can go from a dopamine kick of self appreciation to a spiral of self destruction and self hatred. Im not "living" a personality im emulating one im chasing the kind of person and people that I admire and rob every bit of their uniqueness from them and add it to myself.

This is not very coherent I have never been good at describing my self because its like nobody listens or cares its a pretty lonely existence being the only one left in your immediate friend group except for real life friends people you talk to over the phone. Aside from work which is the only time I really leave the house, im home all day by myself its always relieving having someone come over once and a while, it makes me feel wanted and important.

Sorry I just really wanted to say some things that are on my mind while im in a stable mental headspace and able to talk about it clearly.

It might have been a mistake...

I still find myself falling back drawing on to cheap lined paper and for some reason I seem to draw better there. It might be because I was drawing on cheap 75 cent notebooks for the better part of my entire year long career briefly using a different sketchbook in the beginning. Does anyone have any ideas on how to break this habit?

I look at these people so good at everything they do, drawing, talking, fixing things oh lucky them, most of them are girls, talented bastards who always think their better then me, push me back down the hill one more time I dare you. And I want that talent to be like those people to draw well to not explode everytime I cant fix something. But thats never for me.

at my lowest, and some im nothing thats what I am, im nothing just angry sad I dont know its just so empty. Empty when I find that I just can draw as well as I did the day prior I can't best myself and myself laughs at me its so loud sometimes, and the release is always sh or hitting my seat.

and im not useful to anyone just a extra piece of furniture a weight to carry things or get in the way always in the way ive hurt so many people those people you know the ones who hurt and take and lie so many lies I hate them I hate them. but its their fault, its the illness the disease that took what I loved.

nvzxc

swallow me deep ocean sea

let bubbles be free

as I sink into forever sleep

deep ocean sea

I got pretty badly trigged ran off to my room to calm down I was so angry sometimes I feel like im always burning inside like I just want to-- so they know what I feel. maybe you get it maybe you dont who cares. And then I got trigged again their sickness crawling between the lines I was pretty outraged that I began to punch my chair repeatedly I really would have screamed but I just needed a release something quick painful.

im fine by the way thats what I tell myself every day but is it really fine to be jealous so hateful so pent up that you could just break the monotony by opening their eyes. I cant even have hobbies without feeling inadequate always inadequate just a waste of air a piece of trash that just gets in your way. I just could keep digging myself into a hole all day because thats all I ever say to myself im never good enough im better then everyone else.

but im not and that alone just makes me hate. its not like I had it bad really, more then comfortable enough for now, but everyone keeps leaving slipping I hate losing control I hate it. because if they dont have someone to tell them how to avoid the rot itll consume them like the others this festering rot I hate I hate it.

and sometimes it just never stops talking it just wants me to hear how much I hate myself more then I hate anything else. im fine really

I dont deserve help I dont deserve comfort I dont deserve it I dont I dont I dont deserve I just wanted them to know I really am sorry for how I am but they dont listen they never listen I can scream all day and theyll never hear me its a glass box sometimes you know. just here and never heard. probably why im alone so much these days why everyone just moves on grows up not for me im the one in the wrong stuck as a useless human being a waste of everyones time.

im fine im fine,

Every time no matter and no matter who this vile rot will consume what I cherish. youtubers, friends, love interests, characters. It just keeps happening over and over again I want control I need it. They destroy themselves when they support a certain community that oppresses my anguish their targeting me I know it.

I can't stop it. Im not good enough to. Because its all my fault in the end isnt it, im the one in the wrong for feeling so right. They love it when I suffer don't they. They know I'll never really be a person won't they. And life goes on. If I tried harder if I was more honest I don't know. Im just so sick of it I don't want to see those people anymore their precious symbols their choking lies. Drowning me out.

im not really in the best headspace I admit, it happens a lot these days when I get trigged when I just want to hurt them so badly shake them so they understand how much this hurts for me. But a coward can't do that, you can't do that its their world now and your just in the way. Im in the way aren't I. So who will they take next whos going to fall next. I wont I refuse to give in to the pressure I dont want to go, dont I. im fine arent I.

I dont know anymore whats even anything.

Im fine.. Am I really though. I've been self diagnosing because I don't want people to hate me I don't want anyone else to know how much hell some things make me feel. But I feel like its just me being dramatic as usual, I see something that just reminds me of when it happened and I just snap and lose it, that damn flag oh those precious people their rights what of mine, what of it huh.

Im sorry im sorry it just I know, I don't want people to hate me because if I told them if I told a real person whos in a field for mental health they would just. Maybe they'd kill me right there, tell their friends how sick this person is. Those precious people, maybe their not sick, maybe their just people but what are they

their hunting me, they know it. Everywhere I see it, out of the corner my eye, I can hold it back for a while but some people just have to break sometime. Im sorry im not really in a coherent mental state right now if thats even true or I am a lowly little loser playing up nothing because I just want to feel "special" with the people who have real problems because I deserve better, I don't, really.

As for self diagnosing im pretty damn sure I have autism and cptsd, but do I really, or is that just another bitter lie to feel special when your so lonely when you just want this damn month to be over because its their special time to shine their fucking colors. God.

sorry I'll delete this I promise please don't hurt me I mean well for those people honest, please im sorry.

subscribe to promote our work, thx.