u/Chemical_Pear_8080

My bf (21M) and I (20F) have recently discussed being more intimate for the first time as I have become more comfortable in my body (from the gym, eating well, etc. but also working on it in therapy). I'm not sure how to sugges/ask him to do certain things with me without stuttering or getting shy/embarrassed (I know there's nothing wrong with telling him what I want to do with him, but it's just making me so nervous and like I'll be asking for too much or sound demanding).

To be clear, I'm sure this is just my anxiety talking, as he has already told me he has read/is reading about how to prioritize my pleasure and make sure I'm comfortable and feel beautiful (he makes me feel beautiful all the time, by the way, but we've never had sex, this is our first relationship and will be our first time). He is a great partner and I feel better about myself around him. He has made me a better person and I feel very loved by him. I'm just scared to bring anything related to this up because it is uncharted territory. Has anyone experienced similar things? Do you have any advice?

P.S.: We have agreed not to go straight to penetration yet, but work our way there due to my body image issues and comfortability (his too, but mostly mine since I have an inkling he's wanted this for a LONG time, we've been dating 6 months but were best friends for a while before). I guess I know that I would rather be touched more intimately, and do other sexual things before penetration, but if you all have other suggestions and suggestions for HOW to bring them up, I'd be really grateful. We also both live at home still, and neither house feels private enough (his more than mine, but he lives far, so if you guys have suggestions for how to bring this up to my slightly intrusive/nosy, albeit well-meaning parents, I'd also appreciate that).

ETA (TMI warning): While I don't think this is something happening in the near near future, I have heard oral is very very pleasurable for women. However, I don't see being comfortable giving it myself. Idk why, it just seems rather intimidating. I feel weird suggesting this is he won't get it in return. Also, I'm not sure if you all have hygiene tips for smelling better, but if so, that would be great. I had a yeast infection a few months ago, and smell wise things have been better, but there is still a smell (what I'm saying is it isn't exactly smelling like roses and rainbows...).

Hi everyone, I (20F) made a post on here a few days ago about how I'm afraid of being intimate with my boyfriend (21M) of six months. We are each other's first relationship, and will pretty much be each other's first everything. For some context, he and I started off as best friends who knew each other for almost a year before dating, during which time we mutually pined and fell more in love until we eventually began dating.

Basically, as a small TLDR for the last post (which I might link here), he recently mentioned to me (somewhat sheepishly) that he had a vaguely sexual dream about me where I was showering and naked. I told him towards the start of our relationship that intimacy was something I wanted to go VERY slow with. I have longstanding body image issues and am generally uncomfortable being overly exposed in general, even around people I trust (like, I feel uncomfortable and overly aware of how exposed I am even when wearing a bathing suit around family members at our community pool...it's not even always about my body, just about the fact that everyone can see it more and I have less of a means to cover up/control how exposed I am, if that makes sense). He was completely supportive and reassuring of me, and told me he was on board with doing whatever I was comfortable with whenever I was comfortable with it. I know this is the bare minimum lol, but there are other things about him that aren't (but honestly should be).

To list a few, he calls me beautiful at least five times (not even really exaggerating lol) every single day. Like, he'll fully stop paying attention to anything I'm saying just to sit back and admire me and gets this adorable grin on his face while he does it haha. He also constantly tells me that I smell good, especially when I sit near him or hug him. When we first started dating, he told me he always found me beautiful, but what made him fall hard for me was my intelligence (booksmarts and emotional), my kindness, the way I carried myself, and how passionate I was about the things I loved. He still loves to hear me talk about them and share my interests with him which, luckily, are mostly shared with his. He also made it clear from day one that he wanted to date me and me only, and that he wanted something serious with me because we were already super close as friends and he had wanted to be more than that for a long time. He also tells me he loves me very much all the time, and even when he doesn't, I feel it. I've never felt so at ease and loved by another person in my life. I never feel like I need to be anyone else but me.

Anyway, I'll quit gushing. Onto the update! All of you gave such great advice on the last post about things to try that are short of going all the way, but would likely help me (and probably him, but for different reasons) out in becoming more comfortable in my own skin and pursue this next chapter of my relationship with the man I love. I realized that the longer I let the voices in my head convince me that I am unworthy of his love, the sooner they will prevent me from enjoying my life with him and quite possibly cause harm in my relationship. One of you said something insightful: there's no reason for me not to believe him when he says he loves me, given all of the reasons he's given and efforts he's made to show that he does.

I have long thought I am undeserving of this kind of love. That no one would love the socially awkward/unsure, insecure, and ugly girl I grew up/grew jnto believing I was (I also have body dysmorphia despite looking thin or even athletic, and it has severely impacted my mental health over time). I believe this is due to some undiagnosed mental health issues and possibly neurodivergence, along with some trauma within my family (that they have luckily acknowledged and at least partially apologized for as of recently). My boyfriend doesn't really understand why I think these negative thoughts about myself. He constantly tells me how smart, beautiful, funny, and fun I am to be around. He tells me how relaxed and happy he is with me. I realized I should start believing him, and believing that yes, someone as amazing as him is attracted to all parts of me, including how I look. He also has been a safe space for me to talk about my trauma and try to help him understand where I am comjng from, which he does, but he still firmly disagrees with all of the irrational thoughts/views of myself and my body that my anxiety has caused me to have. I also realize that, by exploring being more intimate, he may help me heal even more than he already has, just in a different way.

So, yesterday, I told him I would be comfortable being intimate sometime in the near future, and basically explained what I said above to him. He smiled softly, hugged me, and told me he was happy to hear that I was going to let him help me and that we could experience this new part of our relationship together. We basically established that we would be doing less intimate things before the real thing (kissing, cuddling in less clothes, other...things, you get the picture, etc etc...). He told me he would do whatever it takes for me to be comfortable and feel good first, before taking care of his own needs (or letting me do anything ‼️). I also vord-vomited a bit (not good, I know) and let it slip that despite me being his first girlfriend, that I genuinely hope he and I are together for the long haul. I said I hope he felt the same. He beamed, nodded repeatedly and kissed me. I hope that was a positive response (?) ofc my anxious brain is convincing me that I made him nervous or pressured to agree with me, but I hope this isn't the case 😭 (and hopefully, based on all that I've said, you all aren't super skeptical that this is just the intense mentality of first love talking, because he has met and exceeded all of my standards). Hell, I know that part of the reason it took me this long to find this man is BECAUSE I kept my standards so high.

I'm not sure how common this is in relationships, but I feel super grateful to have a supportive partner like him who wants to help me through this so that we can be in an even more serious relationship than we already are. Thank you all for your advice. Reading your comments gave me the bravery to talk this through with him, even though a small part of me was (for some fucking reason...despite him CONFESSING to dreaming of me topless) worried he wouldn't take it well or be caught off guard. 🤦🏻‍♀️

For anyone reading this that may be worried about the same things for similar reasons, know that if you're with the right person, as long as you trust them and are happy, you'll know when the right time to do this is. Please don't ever deprive yourself of a deeper connection with someone because your anxiety isn't allowing you to be vulnerable with them (of course, only if you are comfortable). There really is no time like the present.

Also, he and I still live with our parents (mine give me less privacy...) so if you all have suggestions for where he and I can be alone together that isn't my house (and how to approach mentioning that I'll stay at his place, which my awkward and slightly nosy, but well-meaning parents will have odd reactions to for sure...) I would appreciate it.

Signed,

A very grateful girlfriend

So basically I've been with my first boyfriend for rhe last 6 months. I'm 20, and he's 21. This is also his first relationship, and we've never been intimate (mainly because I'm not certain I'm ready and have told him so, which he is completely fine with, but he struggles to understand how I don't like the way I look physically because, in his words, "there's no world where I wouldn't think you and your body are beautiful"). I honestly had low expectations for my first relationship because I didn't ever imagine I'd meet someone as wonderful as he is. He's open, honest, loving, reassuring, and tells me he loves me, but I know it (I knew before he ever told me, we were best friends for nearly a year before) and he never has to. He tells me I'm beautiful and that he's always thought that (even when we were friends) but what made him fall for me was my intelligence (IQ and EQ) and how enthusiastic I am about the things I love.

He told me honestly yesterday that he was experiencing higher than normal libido and asked if it was okay that he was more cuddly than usual (he is usually VERY cuddly, but never in a way that makes me feel gross or violated, and I'm not naturally touchy but his touch is very calming and loving so he kept this in mind and has gradually gotten more comfortable hugging me and kissing me on the cheek and elsewhere, though oddly not the lips). He'll usually lean on my shoulder and wrap his arms around me while I play with his hair and he'll rub my back or squeeze my hand when I get stressed out).

What caught me off guard today was that he told me he had a moderately sexual dream about me, during part of which I was fully naked and in the shower (I don't remember where he said he was in this dream, but I'm not sure that's relevant). He didn't tell me this out of the blue. He had mentioned a few days ago that he had a "funny dream" and I asked him if people he knows in real life ever appear in this dreams. He said yes, and that I had appeared in this dream. I jokingly/playfully asked him if I should want to know more or not. He said he wouldn't mind telling me if I wanted to hear it, and curiosity got the best of me. It flustered me and I sort of chuckled and jokingly asked how we could change the subject 🫠.

Now, I am NOT complaining about how into me this man is. I'm honestly just in disbelief about how attracted he is to me, both in general but ESPECIALLY sexually. I did not grow up in a household where the topic of sex was not shameful or taboo (in this case, it was one parent, not both, who held this view very vocally and was very uncomfortable even when discussing how to have safe sex). I have a naturally low libido, but I wonder if my feelings of shame for having it at all have caused it to be low. I'm afraid that this disconnect will eventually make my boyfriend resent me somehow, even if he doesn't realize it. A main way that he shows love is touch, and I understand that, but I cannot help but worry that his desire for more and my current lack of comfort in exploring that with him will frustrate him. I know he would never leave me ober this, but a family member of mine said that only physical relationships are serious and long-lasting, and that if I don't want to do that with him in the near-ish future, he may leave because he "has needs".

I also worry that when I do feel ready, that I won't be able to let go of my body image issues and be too caught up in my own insecurity (and desire to hide from him rather than be vulnerable) to enjoy the moment with him. I'm afraid that, so long as I feel this way and have this deep hatred for how I look, I will never be able to connect with him on that level.

I guess I'm wondering who else has had similar experiences, if any. Tips on how to get more comfortable with this aspect of my relationship, as well as how to be more open to intimacy, would be appreciated.

ETA: I also suspect I might have endometriosis and some undiagnosed mental health issues that impact my self-esteem. So I'm also concerned sex will be too painful and that I'll just end up not enjoying it. I've recently gained a fair bit if weight as well, but even now, he constantly tells me how beautiful I am.

TLDR: My parents have made me feel inadequate and undeserving for my whole life and it is eating me up inside.

Hi everyone, I just need to vent and get some things off my chest, but I would appreciate guidance regardless. I, 20F, still live at home while attending uni. My brother, 16M, is still in secondary school. He is my only sibling. The way in which this whole fight began is because my parents (my mother specifically) threatened to take away/sell my car (that I paid half for and is in my name, by the way) if I cannot get along with my brother on the way to and from school because they are asking that I drive him (for context, they are not forcing me to do this, and have said I do not need to do it every single day if I am unable to, but they have been dangling this threat over my head for the past year).

This may seem like a reasonable request, but I need to provide some background context so that you can understand why this has my blood boiling. In this same argument, my mother accused me of being the only one to instigate my brother and my arguments over the past year (not completely true, we'll get to that soon). She also got mad at me for rolling the window down if he was sick and when I offered the compromise of wearing a mask in the car, she flew off the ha.ndle (mind you, I work during the year in addition to attending uni while my brother at the time had no job and barely any extra activities, so me getting sick would have caused some loss of income and other things on my part that would not be the same for him if he was the one getting sick).

Now for my brother and my fights over the last year. My brother has been exhibiting some concerning, borderline abusive behavior. Even if I did instigate some of the arguments, he would scream at me so loudly that someone two cars over from us at a traffic light could probably hear him. I was in fear for both of our lives at some points in the car because this is not only unacceptable behavior in my book, but distracting as I drive (I am also a new driver and have only had a license for about a year). When I brought this up to my mother as we were arguing, she said "I'm not saying it was right for him to scream at you, but if that's how he responds, that's how he responds". I can recall at least one time where I did not instigate (like he would get mad that I was playing a certain kind of music in the car even if he had his earbuds in blasting his own music, ask me to turn it off, and I wouldn't, to which he would then scream at me). My father is being useless as usual to stop this behavior (my brother has screamed at my mother like this before too, for separate reasons, sometimes with me in the car...I have recorded many instances of this but I will not share here for privacy reasons) and he writes it off as "elevated testosterone" and something my brother will grow out of. I have grown more distant from my brother during this time due to this and other things, and it seems that over this summer break things have calmed down a bit with him, so we are civil if not a little closer, but I am terrified that this will start again in the new term. Every time I get into my car with him, my body and brain are in fight or flight. I am also in fight or flight in my own house about 85% of the time. Simply being around my parents (my mother especially) makes my heart beat faster out of anxiety.

Now onto why I think my parents don't like me. For most of my life, I have struggled socially and have had trouble maintaining friendships. I would consider myself a serious and driven person, who may be a little intense at times since it is rather common for career-driven, ambitious women to be perceived as "aggressive" while their male equivalents are just "go-getters". My mother has always harshly criticized me for this, going so far as to call me "people repellent" tell me to smile more, tell me to wipe that "bitchy look" off my face, etc. There are far too many issues to list here. She has put a lot of effort into convincing me that I drive people away, am undateable, and am not friend material. She began telling me these things when I was as young as in nursery school, so when I say my whole life, I really mean it. She included a few digs about this in our recent argument, and because I had a serious expression on my face as she was going off on me, she said "Oh look, you're getting that bitchy look on your face again".

This argument is simply one example of when she reminds me of how repulsive I apparently am. The funny thing is that I have more friends than her and my dad combined do at their respective ages, so while I am certainly not everyone's cup of tea, I am someone's cup of tea...(I also have an amazing and loving boyfriend who is worlds more mature than most men his age, he's 21).

I just talked to them about this and how I feel I am constantly being ripped apart and scrutinized. I couldn't get a word in edgewise and they said that my "aggressive behavior" makes me deserving of this kind of criticism. I am 5 seconds away from giving up, groveling, sitting down and shutting up, and agreeing to deal with this until I can move out. I can get short with people and am maybe not always nice 100% of the time, but I am human, and if anything, the fact that I get defensive or shut down is because I am so afraid of their harsh words (they claim that their borderline bullying of me is simply hard to hear parental advice, and that I can take it or leave it but they will never stop telling me it). Why do I not get that level of grace at the very least? I have felt like an awful person for my whole life. My brother, on the other hand, has been told that he is the most kind and lovable being on the planet for his whole life. They have only become critical of him in the last few years because he is "old enough" to get this criticism. And I have apparently been old enough for my whole life, probably because I am the older sibling and am somehow responsible for setting an example. I can add more context in, but only so much as I do not want to be identified in this post.

One more interesting thing to note is that I have always been the more responsible sibling. My brother is terribly disorganized and doesn't seem to understand the urgency of doing well in school to pass our country's university entrance exams, which is important and coming up as he is in secondary school (even more important than our country's standardized exams, which have fallen out of favor). I have always prioritized school to an almost unhealthy degree, and have always done well and gotten high marks (one of the reasons my parents think I need to lighten up, by the way, and they have told me I should take school less seriously). This context is important because my dad is not a man that is impressed by much, and rarely says "I love you" or "I'm proud of you" while my mom is highly praising of me and my successes and is super supportive (surprising given the rest of this post's content, I know).

The last time my dad told me he was proud of me is when I won a prestigious national academic championship in our country a year ago. Since then, nothing. It's not that he's more proud of my brother, but my parents for sure reassure him more and when I ask why they aren't the same with me, my dad says "you shouldn't need validation" and said this even when I asked for it when I was my brother's age. So I was too old for it then, but my brother isn't too old for it now? It's extremely difficult to understand the mental gymnastics here. As part of this lecture, my dad also said that I need to have more EQ, but I'd argue he barely has any himself and is quite cold (he cannot ever have a serious conversation without making jokes, and cannot seem to understand the heaviness of a conversation, this recent conversation I've described is the first time he has managed not to crack jokes the whole time). He also never seems to disagree or challenge my mom, even if her behavior is wrong (and vice versa with her). How can you have EQ if you're just someone's "yes-man"?

Another interesting thing of note is that one of my parents used to tell me about their marital problems with the other parent when I was as young as 8 with the excuse that I was "mature enough" to know.

So sorry about the fact that this is disorganized and all over the place, but I needed to rant in here about this. All this context is important so I don't sound crazy, as I have been convinced I am for my whole life. I do not know what to do. Please help.

I guess I'm seeking a few things here.

1. I would like some insight if my parents have narcissistic tendencies because I'm starting to pick up on a pattern: I confront them, they make me feel badly about how direct I am and ask me if they're really "all that bad" or if they are "such terrible parents". Then I grovel and put my head down to deal with it. I have also been compared to a narcissistic family member (undiagnosed but we all know by now) for my whole life. Like, since I was very VERY young. Would any of what I described be classified as emotional abuse or favoritism?

2. I know I can't force anyone described in this post to change or recognize their shortcomings unless they choose to do so by their own volition. I'm curious regardless if there is a way I can frame this that can stimulate some self-reflection here, if at all possible. Maybe I used too many "you did x y and z thing and that was harmful" statements rather than using "I statements"? I have tried the latter before as well and it doesn't work. It's also hard not to break down crying. Either I'm crying or I start to raise my voice more and more. Regardless, I'm always talked over and not really listened too, or cut off.

3. The scenarios I'm about to be in with my brother are potentially mentally and physically dangerous for both him and I. How can I protect myself and record his behavior? Push comes to shove, I almost want to threaten sending recordings of him screaming to his school and escalating this to a police matter unless they commit him to psychiatric care, but I'm not sure how well that would end for me or him. I still care about him despite how horrible he's been to me. Even though I haven't always been a stellar sister, I know I don't deserve \*this\*.

4. Would giving my parents an ultimatum help? I thought perhaps telling them that they can expect no contact if this vicious cycle continues and they refuse to self-reflect (of course, this would be no contact upon me graduating, you can't really go NC if you live with them)

5. Can someone tell me how I can check if I truly own my car? Like if the paperwork states that it is in my name? I'm looking to see if I have any legal actions protecting me if they ever attempt to follow through on their threats. Even so, I'm saving up to pay the car off so I no longer have to have this hanging over my head and so I need not be my brother's chauffeur, a job I offered to do but was later forced to by them.

Any advice is appreciated, even if this situation is beyond the scope of reddit. I'm just looking for some impartiality. I myself don't fully understand the situation I'm in, but I'm wondering if this hits home for anyone. If anyone went NC for similar behaviors, please tell me how it's been for you. I used to be very close with my parents. The thought of not having them in my life rips me to shreds, also because to some degree I am still dependent on them for support (not just financial, but emotional and I still always ask them for guidance because I am perpetually unsure of myself).

Also, I've heard of DARVO before and am wondering if this appears to be happening here considering that it seems impossible to get through to my parents without some of the blame being placed on me. If anyone recognizes a pattern in what I described, please enlighten me.

I feel bad for confiding in my bf so much.

I've been going through a rough time recently. It's the start of a new year and I'm trying to decide what to do for my second major (I'm double majoring). In addition to stressing about courses, I'm dealing with my parents threatening to take my car away if I don't drive my brother around everywhere and get along with him while I'm at it (I'll probably make a separate post about this, but my brother has been having screaming fits of rage over the past year in response to me getting annoyed with him over minor things, and these fits often happen while I'm driving and my parents are constantly victim-blaming me and just telling me not to "provoke" him and it won't happen, even though he's done it for no reason at least once, but I digress for now).

The stress I feel every day having to drive him, coupled with my stress about courses, has made me very tense and sad and more prone to venting to my bf because he often feels like the only person in my corner who actually as my best interest at heart. He's also just as logical as he is supportive, and has helped me figure out healthy ways to cope and deal with this. He is my home and my safe space, and I'm very grateful for him.

I worry, though, that because I've vented about things more than usual that that means I talk about myself too much and cast his interests and life events to the side. I do ask him a lot about how he's doing, how his parents are doing (they've had recent health issues) and how he's doing getting ready to apply to graduate school. I make a conscious effort to not get lost in my own trauma and trauma dump on him. I've even apologized to him about this before several times and he is so sweet and understanding each time, but I still feel awful. I don't want him to feel like my therapist (my parents have currently cut me off from going to therapy for alleged "financial" reasons, and I'll talk about this in another post, but this is almost certainly an excuse because they have never supported me going to therapy even though I've suffered traumatic losses and events over the years). I feel like a burden to my bf the same way I feel like a burden to my family.

But my family is the only one who has ever made me feel like a burden and inconvenience. They constantly dismiss my feelings and even my ideation, telling me it's selfish to have these thoughts because I have a good life and would be causing them grief to leave it. They also constantly criticize my personality for being too serious and frequently blame my failed friendships on the fact that I need to learn to take a joke and be more affable. They have even made comments on how it is surprising my bf has stuck around this long.

I don't understand why I can't just be happy that I lucked out with the partner I have. I'm also terrified to lose him as he'll be leaving for grad school next year. I'm afraid that our relationship has a clock on it simply because the distance will be too hard.

Why do I hesitate to lean on my very supportive bf when I need it? Why am I so afraid that my reality and trauma is burdensome to other people who willingly let me vent and want to help me get better?

Why can't I just enjoy my life, dammit? 🤦🏻‍♀️

TLDR: I'm worried my bf thinks I'm unloading my trauma on him too much and I'm not sure what to do about it.

I'm posting this and a rant (relevant to content in another post that I can link if needed) triggered by yet another uninvited/unwelcome comment I got from her yesterday.

I (20F) have an overly critical mother (and father, but my mother is worse). They have spent as long as I can remember telling me I am too serious, not fun to be around, that people will not want to be friends with me because of aspects of my personality (e.g. too serious and "set in my ways"/stubborn etc., the list of how I am apparently the most insufferable person on Earth never seems to end with them, I swear the have whole diaries and gossip sessions dedicated to shitting on their own kid).

The posting of this is triggered by a comment she made about my sense of humor. Without getting too specific/long, basically one of my professors is known for being direct/"rude" (but not really rude by the standards of his cultural background, more so that people in my country usually think he is rude, but I personally don't care).

During lecture (a small class with 4 people including me, who were also asking similar questions to this) I asked this professor a question about what would happen if he ran a certain line of code in the language that we are trying to learn, and if it would affect the functionality of the program or be ignored since the variable that he would be changing/redefining has a reserved value (slightly unnecessary context but it adds to my point). He said "good question, let's try it out and see". He tried it out and got an error message that made sense given the kind of edit he made to the code, and said "ah, yes, we can see now that this was useless/pointless to do". I stifled a laugh as I always thought others were just being dramatic when saying he was rude, and I was also taken aback by how forward he was (but I was not offended at all).

When talking to my mom about interesting things that happened on this particular day of school, I mentioned this to her and how I thought it was funny/interesting that when I asked a benign/reasonable, non-annoying question, even then the professor got mad (other people mentioned this to me before, but I never believed it and didn't think twice about asking him the question), and at the time she lightly chuckled and didn't say anything. A few days later (which was yesterday) I brought up that I had seen another professor (not the same one), who I recently met and is hilarious, and then she said this: "you really shouldn't take pride in pissing off your professor, you are going to rub people the wrong way and they will be put off by you". I immediately told her that other people were also asking questions and that he got annoyed with a few of them too, and asked what was wrong by finding this funny and taking it in stride rather than being offended by it. She said "there's nothing funny about it and about annoying him, why would you ask him that question if you knew it might annoy him?".

I reiterated that I did NOT know it would annoy him, and that others were also asking questions, so why would there be anything wrong with being curious? She said "it's not an issue that you were curious, it's weird that you find his response funny and you have a weird sense of humor". Okay, interesting. This is coming from the woman who finds it funny to bring up my most embarrassing recent or childhood moments at the dinner table to entertain my brother and dad or guests we have over, and when I get upset about it, she tells me to "lighten up and learn to laugh at myself" (funnily enough, she rarely does the same with my brother's embarrassing moments, and when she does, they aren't nearly as worse as mine). I think she shouldn't be talking about weird senses of humor. Public humiliation rituals coming from a parent against their children is weird as fuck. And my sense of humor must be good to someone because my boyfriend, who took this class a year ago with the same professor, found this interaction funny. My boyfriend also loves it when I joke around with him and we are always laughing when we are together.

My mother also has told me that my boyfriend must "like aggressive women" before when she was arguing with me about how I should try to be less serious and to take school/my future less seriously because other people my age (I'm 20F) do not care about that and never will, and that I should go with the flow always. She has repeatedly brought up how I have "always been too serious and off-putting/people repellent" because when I was little and on the playground, I sometimes didn't like the games other kids would play and would try to talk them into doing something else with me, which would result in me being alone most of the time because I didn't like doing the things most other kids did and was not a typically rambunctious primary school kid.

Keep in mind that when I say I have been hearing this for my WHOLE LIFE, I mean it. They made comments like this from the start, I don't recall what it was like to live a day without them making a negative comment about me.

Both of my parents have spent my entire life convincing me that I am driving other people away, that all of my friendships have failed because of me, and I am generally an inconvenience to be around because I am always on edge and stressed while in the house (I still live with them, by the way) and generally react negatively to their "advice". Gee, I wonder why I might be so "hostile" and "overly anxious" or "in distress" (my mother has also told me to stop biting my nails and picking at my lips/other parts of my body compulsively because I otherwise "look so put together" and it makes it look like I am in distress. I have felt completely undeserving of my boyfriend's wonderful love and my great relationship, my (sometimes major, not trying to sound cocky, I'm being honest and I don't have to pay anything for university and have other good things going for me) academic and personal successes, as well as the amazing friendships I have formed going into adulthood.

She also made a comment that I shake drinks too aggressively and that "maybe I should be less aggressive shaking the drinks, it might carry over into other parts of your life as well".

I am done with this bullshit. I don't know what else to do since my parents have cut me off from regular therapy (they claim they cannot deal with the financial stress as my dad looks to leave his job for something else, but they very recently went on vacation that was much MUCH more expensive than therapy, so I call bullshit on that, especially because my mom blew up at me and said "I doubt it's helping you anyway, why are you upset?"...keep in mind that it took FOREVER to find a therapist I liked and they both know this because I previously sought school counseling where I was pressured to take meds, and this therapist was one I really connected with).

I cannot believe that the people I used to feel comfortable telling everything to have evolved into my biggest bullies. I genuinely don't know what to do or how to try and mend my relationship with them.

Any advice/support is appreciated. Thank you.

TLDR: my mother is my biggest critic and it's making me go insane.

I'm posting this and a rant (relevant to content in another post that I can link if needed) triggered by yet another uninvited/unwelcome comment I got from her yesterday.

I (20F) have an overly critical mother (and father, but my mother is worse). They have spent as long as I can remember telling me I am too serious, not fun to be around, that people will not want to be friends with me because of aspects of my personality (e.g. too serious and "set in my ways"/stubborn etc., the list of how I am apparently the most insufferable person on Earth never seems to end with them, I swear the have whole diaries and gossip sessions dedicated to shitting on their own kid).

The posting of this is triggered by a comment she made about my sense of humor. Without getting too specific/long, basically one of my professors is known for being direct/"rude" (but not really rude by the standards of his cultural background, more so that people in my country usually think he is rude, but I personally don't care).

During lecture (a small class with 4 people including me, who were also asking similar questions to this) I asked this professor a question about what would happen if he ran a certain line of code in the language that we are trying to learn, and if it would affect the functionality of the program or be ignored since the variable that he would be changing/redefining has a reserved value (slightly unnecessary context but it adds to my point). He said "good question, let's try it out and see". He tried it out and got an error message that made sense given the kind of edit he made to the code, and said "ah, yes, we can see now that this was useless/pointless to do". I stifled a laugh as I always thought others were just being dramatic when saying he was rude, and I was also taken aback by how forward he was (but I was not offended at all).

When talking to my mom about interesting things that happened on this particular day of school, I mentioned this to her and how I thought it was funny/interesting that when I asked a benign/reasonable, non-annoying question, even then the professor got mad (other people mentioned this to me before, but I never believed it and didn't think twice about asking him the question), and at the time she lightly chuckled and didn't say anything. A few days later (which was yesterday) I brought up that I had seen another professor (not the same one), who I recently met and is hilarious, and then she said this: "you really shouldn't take pride in pissing off your professor, you are going to rub people the wrong way and they will be put off by you". I immediately told her that other people were also asking questions and that he got annoyed with a few of them too, and asked what was wrong by finding this funny and taking it in stride rather than being offended by it. She said "there's nothing funny about it and about annoying him, why would you ask him that question if you knew it might annoy him?".

I reiterated that I did NOT know it would annoy him, and that others were also asking questions, so why would there be anything wrong with being curious? She said "it's not an issue that you were curious, it's weird that you find his response funny and you have a weird sense of humor". Okay, interesting. This is coming from the woman who finds it funny to bring up my most embarrassing recent or childhood moments at the dinner table to entertain my brother and dad or guests we have over, and when I get upset about it, she tells me to "lighten up and learn to laugh at myself" (funnily enough, she rarely does the same with my brother's embarrassing moments, and when she does, they aren't nearly as worse as mine). I think she shouldn't be talking about weird senses of humor. Public humiliation rituals coming from a parent against their children is weird as fuck. And my sense of humor must be good to someone because my boyfriend, who took this class a year ago with the same professor, found this interaction funny. My boyfriend also loves it when I joke around with him and we are always laughing when we are together.

My mother also has told me that my boyfriend must "like aggressive women" before when she was arguing with me about how I should try to be less serious and to take school/my future less seriously because other people my age (I'm 20F) do not care about that and never will, and that I should go with the flow always. She has repeatedly brought up how I have "always been too serious and off-putting/people repellent" because when I was little and on the playground, I sometimes didn't like the games other kids would play and would try to talk them into doing something else with me, which would result in me being alone most of the time because I didn't like doing the things most other kids did and was not a typically rambunctious primary school kid.

Keep in mind that when I say I have been hearing this for my WHOLE LIFE, I mean it. They made comments like this from the start, I don't recall what it was like to live a day without them making a negative comment about me.

Both of my parents have spent my entire life convincing me that I am driving other people away, that all of my friendships have failed because of me, and I am generally an inconvenience to be around because I am always on edge and stressed while in the house (I still live with them, by the way) and generally react negatively to their "advice". Gee, I wonder why I might be so "hostile" and "overly anxious" or "in distress" (my mother has also told me to stop biting my nails and picking at my lips/other parts of my body compulsively because I otherwise "look so put together" and it makes it look like I am in distress. I have felt completely undeserving of my boyfriend's wonderful love and my great relationship, my (sometimes major, not trying to sound cocky, I'm being honest and I don't have to pay anything for university and have other good things going for me) academic and personal successes, as well as the amazing friendships I have formed going into adulthood.

She also made a comment that I shake drinks too aggressively and that "maybe I should be less aggressive shaking the drinks, it might carry over into other parts of your life as well".

I am done with this bullshit. I don't know what else to do since my parents have cut me off from regular therapy (they claim they cannot deal with the financial stress as my dad looks to leave his job for something else, but they very recently went on vacation that was much MUCH more expensive than therapy, so I call bullshit on that, especially because my mom blew up at me and said "I doubt it's helping you anyway, why are you upset?"...keep in mind that it took FOREVER to find a therapist I liked and they both know this because I previously sought school counseling where I was pressured to take meds, and this therapist was one I really connected with).

I cannot believe that the people I used to feel comfortable telling everything to have evolved into my biggest bullies. I genuinely don't know what to do or how to try and mend my relationship with them.

Any advice/support is appreciated. Thank you all.

Hi everyone, I (20F) made a post on here a few days ago about my brother's (16M) screaming fits in my car last year and how I hope that he inevitably is let go from his job, as this might humble him (he is also pretty egotistical and has some other problematic behaviors, namely an excessive need to make himself stand out from the masses seemingly for attention, but I digress).

Since then, I have had a long talk with him about our shared frustrations with our parents and how they are super against either of us seeking professional help for some unknown and unclear reason (they claim it is because they think it is useless and that it doesn't really have practical value in our lives, but I suspect they are concerned/angry at the thought of their extremely toxic and horrible behaviors/treatment, towards myself especially, being divulged to someone else which will make them look bad).

We talked about how maddening it is that we cannot seek diagnoses for our respective suspected neurodivergence/mental health conditions. He shared with me that the therapist he used to see suspected that he may be experiencing manic episodes, but that since then he has not felt the same because he was going through a lot of stress at school at the time. I brought up his screaming fits and how scary they were, and his reaction appeared to be one of embarrassment, almost like he was acknowledging how ridiculous that behavior was (he shook his head and said "oh my god, I remember that" and we continued to talk from there).

I told him I hope it doesn't happen again in the future, and he didn't really react, but rather acknowledged what I said and seemed to understand where I was coming from (he is not the most articulate person, so it can be hard to discern what he is saying or what he means at times).

I also shared with him that I suspect I have OCD and might be autistic. He said he had noticed the signs given my obvious inability to relax and my struggles with intense anxiety, which is something only I, not him, experience (he does not appear to ever get very nervous about anything and lacks a sense of urgency, so he and I are opposites in that department). He told me he thinks he might have some kind of attention deficit disorder, and possibly also autism.

In general, it was a very productive conversation and I left feeling that I understood him more, and I think the feeling was mutual. I guess I am writing this update to say that I do not think wishing he will be fired is a productive or helpful thought. I more so hope that this job teaches him empathy and responsibility (it involves teaching, so hopefully that will help). I think it is a good opportunity for character development for him to be employed and have a purpose outside of himself, his appearance, and his worries.

I also realize that my anger with my family, which is at times directed at my brother, is at my parents, not him. My issues are with my parents essentially blaming his behavior in the car on me, saying that if I didn't get annoyed with him or provoke him that he would not scream at me, and that I have to accept that that is the way he will react and that it is (in some twisted way) "normal hormonal teenage boy behavior" when in fact it was reminiscent of how abusers scream at their wives (he also screamed at my mother like this in the past, including in the car).

All of this is not to say that this will never happen again. It very well might, but I am at least glad it appears as though my brother shows some remorse when I originally suspected he felt none given how emotionless he can tend to be. I'll be posting more about my parents' behaviors separately as I am really struggling and would like to get some input, but this is it for now regarding my brother. Out of everyone in my family, he is not the person I have the biggest issues with, that is for sure.

Any and all input is appreciated. I think I'll talk about this in my first therapy appointment this week (new school therapist since my parents won't let me see my regular one and don't want to pay for it for now)

I've been going through a rough time recently. It's the start of a new year and I'm trying to decide what to do for my second major (I'm double majoring). In addition to stressing about courses, I'm dealing with my parents threatening to take my car away if I don't drive my brother around everywhere and get along with him while I'm at it (I'll probably make a separate post about this, but my brother has been having screaming fits of rage over the past year in response to me getting annoyed with him over minor things, and these fits often happen while I'm driving and my parents are constantly victim-blaming me and just telling me not to "provoke" him and it won't happen, even though he's done it for no reason at least once, but I digress for now).

The stress I feel every day having to drive him, coupled with my stress about courses, has made me very tense and sad and more prone to venting to my bf because he often feels like the only person in my corner who actually as my best interest at heart. He's also just as logical as he is supportive, and has helped me figure out healthy ways to cope and deal with this. He is my home and my safe space, and I'm very grateful for him.

I worry, though, that because I've vented about things more than usual that that means I talk about myself too much and cast his interests and life events to the side. I do ask him a lot about how he's doing, how his parents are doing (they've had recent health issues) and how he's doing getting ready to apply to graduate school. I make a conscious effort to not get lost in my own trauma and trauma dump on him. I've even apologized to him about this before several times and he is so sweet and understanding each time, but I still feel awful. I don't want him to feel like my therapist (my parents have currently cut me off from going to therapy for alleged "financial" reasons, and I'll talk about this in another post, but this is almost certainly an excuse because they have never supported me going to therapy even though I've suffered traumatic losses and events over the years). I feel like a burden to my bf the same way I feel like a burden to my family.

But my family is the only one who has ever made me feel like a burden and inconvenience. They constantly dismiss my feelings and even my ideation, telling me it's selfish to have these thoughts because I have a good life and would be causing them grief to leave it. They also constantly criticize my personality for being too serious and frequently blame my failed friendships on the fact that I need to learn to take a joke and be more affable. They have even made comments on how it is surprising my bf has stuck around this long.

I don't understand why I can't just be happy that I lucked out with the partner I have. I'm also terrified to lose him as he'll be leaving for grad school next year. I'm afraid that our relationship has a clock on it simply because the distance will be too hard.

Why do I hesitate to lean on my very supportive bf when I need it? Why am I so afraid that my reality and trauma is burdensome to other people who willingly let me vent and want to help me get better?

And why can't I just enjoy my life, dammit? 🤦🏻‍♀️

Hi everyone, I know the title looks bad, but hear me out.

My (20 F) brother (16 M) is one of the most irresponsible people I've ever met. Like, I'm talking the kind of person who lets the door slam in your face without holding it open for you, doesn't bother to flush the toilet after using a shared bathroom, doesn't read any of his emails, waits until the day before to start a project he was assigned 3 weeks ago, etc etc the list goes on. He doesn't seem to experience anxiety or a sense or urgency/importance at all. I am the polar opposite of him and was even at his age (I also personally think it's pathetic to write off his problematic behaviors as being due to his age, not all 16 year olds are as careless as he is).

Now onto why I'm hoping this is a wake up call for him. My parents, like me, are sick and tired of his carelessness but still constantly come to the rescue when his negligence catches up to him. They have never let him fall on his own sword or fail due to his lack of responsibility. On top of this, I have been given the unfortunate task of driving him to and from school until he has a car and license. My parents have threatened to take away my car if he and I don't get along while in the car together (they paid for half of it). For additional context, over the past year, if I have ever gotten annoyed with him for something he did or said in the car, he would scream at me at full volume and shout profanities. I'm talking a level of loud where someone several cars over at a traffic light would hear him. There have also been times where he has done it unprompted because I didn't change the music if he didn't like or didn't turn it down enough for him to hear the music he blasts at full volume in his earbuds. My parents have done nothing to address this behavior beyond just telling him that it isn't okay, but have also told me that if I didn't provoke him it wouldn't happen (my dad also writes this off as high testosterone and nothing to be worried about). Uh, okay, so him behaving abusively is something I am asking for, I guess (he also screams at my mother this way).

To give some more context to the sort of person my brother is, here goes (buckle up). He is the kind of guy who takes pride in the fsct that he listens to music artists that are so "underground" that they have less than 10k listeners on Spotify. He is the type of guy who thinks checks should be split on dates. He is the type of guy who proudly declares he is not a feminist whenever I bring up something related to women's rights, and thinks that feminists hate all men or think women are better than men (he also gets annoyed and tries to change the subject whenever equality of genders is brought up in conversation). He is the type of guy who would fit the "nice guy" stereotype. He is the type of guy who tells his mother to shut up.

His boss at this job is a woman. I so hope he screws this up for himself and that he is humbled to the point of self-reflection. I hope the cold hard world teaches him the lesson my parenrs are failing to. I am sick and tired of his spoiled manchild antics. I feel sincerely bad for whatever girl he ends up dating.

Additional context: The part about his behavior that worries me is that if he isn't corrected now, he'll wind up in prison for DV or assault against a woman sooner or later. I feel that he has the capacity to be better and improve but doesn't have proper help or guidance to get him there. I'm terrified for the girl he dates. I honestly want to send recordings of him screaming at me to the people at his school too. Not sure what that would do but people need to know how horrible he can be behind closed doors. Allegedly he is Mr. Congeniality and has tons of friends and female admirers at school.

Edit: for those of you skeptical about my splitting checks comment, I said this to demonstrate that my brother doesn't have a gentlemanly bone in his body. He recently has wanted to "hang out" with me more just so we can go out to eat knowing I'll pay because he doesn't have any money. I'm not saying it should be the case that the man always pays. My brother is also the type to want a traditional woman/trad wife, yet he's pretty broke himself and, given the path that he's on, will probably continue to be (he is the type to spend money as soon as he has it).

Hi everyone, I know the title looks bad, but hear me out.

My (20 F) brother (16 M) is one of the most irresponsible people I've ever met. Like, I'm talking the kind of person who lets the door slam in your face without holding it open for you, doesn't bother to flush the toilet after using a shared bathroom, doesn't read any of his emails, waits until the day before to start a project he was assigned 3 weeks ago, etc etc the list goes on. He doesn't seem to experience anxiety or a sense or urgency/importance at all. I am the polar opposite of him and was even at his age (I also personally think it's pathetic to write off his problematic behaviors as being due to his age, not all 16 year olds are as careless as he is).

Now onto why I'm hoping this is a wake up call for him. My parents, like me, are sick and tired of his carelessness but still constantly come to the rescue when his negligence catches up to him. They have never let him fall on his own sword or fail due to his lack of responsibility. On top of this, I have been given the unfortunate task of driving him to and from school until he has a car and license. My parents have threatened to take away my car if he and I don't get along while in the car together (they paid for half of it). For additional context, over the past year, if I have ever gotten annoyed with him for something he did or said in the car, he would scream at me at full volume and shout profanities. I'm talking a level of loud where someone several cars over at a traffic light would hear him. There have also been times where he has done it unprompted because I didn't change the music if he didn't like or didn't turn it down enough for him to hear the music he blasts at full volume in his earbuds. My parents have done nothing to address this behavior beyond just telling him that it isn't okay, but have also told me that if I didn't provoke him it wouldn't happen (my dad also writes this off as high testosterone and nothing to be worried about). Uh, okay, so him behaving abusively is something I am asking for, I guess (he also screams at my mother this way).

To give some more context to the sort of person my brother is, here goes (buckle up). He is the kind of guy who takes pride in the fsct that he listens to music artists that are so "underground" that they have less than 10k listeners on Spotify. He is the type of guy who thinks checks should be split on dates. He is the type of guy who proudly declares he is not a feminist whenever I bring up something related to women's rights, and thinks that feminists hate all men or think women are better than men (he also gets annoyed and tries to change the subject whenever equality of genders is brought up in conversation). He is the type of guy who would fit the "nice guy" stereotype. He is the type of guy who tells his mother to shut up.

His boss at this job is a woman. I so hope he screws this up for himself and that he is humbled to the point of self-reflection. I hope the cold hard world teaches him the lesson my parenrs are failing to. I am sick and tired of his spoiled manchild antics. I feel sincerely bad for whatever girl he ends up dating.

Additional context that I put in a comment below: The part about his behavior that worries me is that if he isn't corrected now, he'll wind up in prison for DV or assault against a woman sooner or later. I feel that he has the capacity to be better and improve but doesn't have proper help or guidance to get him there. I'm terrified for the girl he dates. I honestly want to send recordings of him screaming at me to the people at his school too. Not sure what that would do but people need to know how horrible he can be behind closed doors. Allegedly he is Mr. Congeniality and has tons of friends and female admirers at school.

Edit: for those of you skeptical about my splitting checks comment, I said this to demonstrate that my brother doesn't have a gentlemanly bone in his body. He recently has wanted to "hang out" with me more just so we can go out to eat knowing I'll pay because he doesn't have any money. I'm not saying it should be the case that the man always pays. My brother is also the type to want a traditional woman/trad wife, yet he's pretty broke himself and, given the path that he's on, will probably continue to be (he is the type to spend money as soon as he has it).

(Posting from a relatively new account because I need this to be anonymous)

Hi everyone, I just need to vent and get some things off my chest, but I would appreciate guidance regardless. I, 20F, still live at home while attending uni. My brother, 16M, is still in secondary school. He is my only sibling. The way in which this whole fight began is because my parents (my mother specifically) threatened to take away/sell my car (that I paid half for and is in my name, by the way) if I cannot get along with my brother on the way to and from school because they are asking that I drive him (for context, they are not forcing me to do this, and have said I do not need to do it every single day if I am unable to, but they have been dangling this threat over my head for the past year).

This may seem like a reasonable request, but I need to provide some background context so that you can understand why this has my blood boiling. In this same argument, my mother accused me of being the only one to instigate my brother and my arguments over the past year (not completely true, we'll get to that soon). She also got mad at me for rolling the window down if he was sick and when I offered the compromise of wearing a mask in the car, she flew off the ha.ndle (mind you, I work during the year in addition to attending uni while my brother at the time had no job and barely any extra activities, so me getting sick would have caused some loss of income and other things on my part that would not be the same for him if he was the one getting sick).

Now for my brother and my fights over the last year. My brother has been exhibiting some concerning, borderline abusive behavior. Even if I did instigate some of the arguments, he would scream at me so loudly that someone two cars over from us at a traffic light could probably hear him. I was in fear for both of our lives at some points in the car because this is not only unacceptable behavior in my book, but distracting as I drive (I am also a new driver and have only had a license for about a year). When I brought this up to my mother as we were arguing, she said "I'm not saying it was right for him to scream at you, but if that's how he responds, that's how he responds". I can recall at least one time where I did not instigate (like he would get mad that I was playing a certain kind of music in the car even if he had his earbuds in blasting his own music, ask me to turn it off, and I wouldn't, to which he would then scream at me). My father is being useless as usual to stop this behavior (my brother has screamed at my mother like this before too, for separate reasons, sometimes with me in the car...I have recorded many instances of this but I will not share here for privacy reasons) and he writes it off as "elevated testosterone" and something my brother will grow out of. I have grown more distant from my brother during this time due to this and other things, and it seems that over this summer break things have calmed down a bit with him, so we are civil if not a little closer, but I am terrified that this will start again in the new term. Every time I get into my car with him, my body and brain are in fight or flight. I am also in fight or flight in my own house about 85% of the time. Simply being around my parents (my mother especially) makes my heart beat faster out of anxiety.

Now onto why I think my parents don't like me. For most of my life, I have struggled socially and have had trouble maintaining friendships. I would consider myself a serious and driven person, who may be a little intense at times since it is rather common for career-driven, ambitious women to be perceived as "aggressive" while their male equivalents are just "go-getters". My mother has always harshly criticized me for this, going so far as to call me "people repellent" tell me to smile more, tell me to wipe that "bitchy look" off my face, etc. There are far too many issues to list here. She has put a lot of effort into convincing me that I drive people away, am undateable, and am not friend material. She began telling me these things when I was as young as in nursery school, so when I say my whole life, I really mean it. She included a few digs about this in our recent argument, and because I had a serious expression on my face as she was going off on me, she said "Oh look, you're getting that bitchy look on your face again".

This argument is simply one example of when she reminds me of how repulsive I apparently am. The funny thing is that I have more friends than her and my dad combined do at their respective ages, so while I am certainly not everyone's cup of tea, I am someone's cup of tea...(I also have an amazing and loving boyfriend who is worlds more mature than most men his age, he's 21)

I just talked to them about this and how I feel I am constantly being ripped apart and scrutinized. I couldn't get a word in edgewise and they said that my "aggressive behavior" makes me deserving of this kind of criticism. I am 5 seconds away from giving up, groveling, sitting down and shutting up, and agreeing to deal with this until I can move out. I can get short with people and am maybe not always nice 100% of the time, but I am human, and if anything, the fact that I get defensive or shut down is because I am so afraid of their harsh words (they claim that their borderline bullying of me is simply hard to hear parental advice, and that I can take it or leave it but they will never stop telling me it). Why do I not get that level of grace at the very least? I have felt like an awful person for my whole life. My brother, on the other hand, has been told that he is the most kind and lovable being on the planet for his whole life. They have only become critical of him in the last few years because he is "old enough" to get this criticism. And I have apparently been old enough for my whole life, probably because I am the older sibling and am somehow responsible for setting an example. I can add more context in, but only so much as I do not want to be identified in this post.

One more interesting thing to note is that I have always been the more responsible sibling. My brother is terribly disorganized and doesn't seem to understand the urgency of doing well in school to pass our country's university entrance exams, which is important and coming up as he is in secondary school (even more important than our country's standardized exams, which have fallen out of favor). I have always prioritized school to an almost unhealthy degree, and have always done well and gotten high marks (one of the reasons my parents think I need to lighten up, by the way, and they have told me I should take school less seriously). This context is important because my dad is not a man that is impressed by much, and rarely says "I love you" or "I'm proud of you" while my mom is highly praising of me and my successes and is super supportive (surprising given the rest of this post's content, I know).

The last time my dad told me he was proud of me is when I won a prestigious national academic championship in our country a year ago. Since then, nothing. It's not that he's more proud of my brother, but my parents for sure reassure him more and when I ask why they aren't the same with me, my dad says "you shouldn't need validation" and said this even when I asked for it when I was my brother's age. So I was too old for it then, but my brother isn't too old for it now? It's extremely difficult to understand the mental gymnastics here. As part of this lecture, my dad also said that I need to have more EQ, but I'd argue he barely has any himself and is quite cold (he cannot ever have a serious conversation without making jokes, and cannot seem to understand the heaviness of a conversation, this recent conversation I've described is the first time he has managed not to crack jokes the whole time). He also never seems to disagree or challenge my mom, even if her behavior is wrong (and vice versa with her). How can you have EQ if you're just someone's "yes-man"?

Another interesting thing of note is that one of my parents used to tell me about their marital problems with the other parent when I was as young as 8 with the excuse that I was "mature enough" to know.

So sorry about the fact that this is disorganized and all over the place, but I needed to rant in here about this. All this context is important so I don't sound crazy, as I have been convinced I am for my whole life. I do not know what to do. Please help.

Edit: I guess I'm seeking a few things here.

1. I would like some insight if my parents have narcissistic tendencies because I'm starting to pick up on a pattern: I confront them, they make me feel badly about how direct I am and ask me if they're really "all that bad" or if they are "such terrible parents". Then I grovel and put my head down to deal with it. I have also been compared to a narcissistic family member (undiagnosed but we all know by now) for my whole life. Like, since I was very VERY young. Would any of what I described be classified as emotional abuse or favoritism?

2. I know I can't force anyone described in this post to change or recognize their shortcomings unless they choose to do so by their own volition. I'm curious regardless if there is a way I can frame this that can stimulate some self-reflection here, if at all possible. Maybe I used too many "you did x y and z thing and that was harmful" statements rather than using "I statements"? I have tried the latter before as well and it doesn't work. It's also hard not to break down crying. Either I'm crying or I start to raise my voice more and more. Regardless, I'm always talked over and not really listened too, or cut off.

3. The scenarios I'm about to be in with my brother are potentially mentally and physically dangerous for both him and I. How can I protect myself and record his behavior? Push comes to shove, I almost want to threaten sending recordings of him screaming to his school and escalating this to a police matter unless they commit him to psychiatric care, but I'm not sure how well that would end for me or him. I still care about him despite how horrible he's been to me. Even though I haven't always been a stellar sister, I know I don't deserve this.

4. Would giving my parents an ultimatum help? I thought perhaps telling them that they can expect no contact if this vicious cycle continues and they refuse to self-reflect (of course, this would be no contact upon me graduating, you can't really go NC if you live with them)

5. Can someone tell me how I can check if I truly own my car? Like if the paperwork states that it is in my name? I'm looking to see if I have any legal actions protecting me if they ever attempt to follow through on their threats. Even so, I'm saving up to pay the car off so I no longer have to have this hanging over my head and so I need not be my brother's chauffeur, a job I offered to do but was later forced to by them.

Any advice is appreciated, even if this situation is beyond the scope of reddit. I'm just looking for some impartiality. I myself don't fully understand the situation I'm in, but I'm wondering if this hits home for anyone. If anyone went NC for similar behaviors, please tell me how it's been for you. I used to be very close with my parents.

Edit 2: I've heard of DARVO before and am wondering if this appears to be happening here considering that it seems impossible to get through to my parents without some of the blame being placed on me. If anyone recognizes a pattern in what I described, please enlighten me.

(Posting from a relatively new account because I need this to be anonymous)

Hi everyone, I just need to vent and get some things off my chest, but I would appreciate guidance regardless. I, 20F, still live at home while attending uni. My brother, 16M, is still in secondary school. He is my only sibling. The way in which this whole fight began is because my parents (my mother specifically) threatened to take away/sell my car (that I paid half for and is in my name, by the way) if I cannot get along with my brother on the way to and from school because they are asking that I drive him (for context, they are not forcing me to do this, and have said I do not need to do it every single day if I am unable to, but they have been dangling this threat over my head for the past year).

This may seem like a reasonable request, but I need to provide some background context so that you can understand why this has my blood boiling. In this same argument, my mother accused me of being the only one to instigate my brother and my arguments over the past year (not completely true, we'll get to that soon). She also got mad at me for rolling the window down if he was sick and when I offered the compromise of wearing a mask in the car, she flew off the ha.ndle (mind you, I work during the year in addition to attending uni while my brother at the time had no job and barely any extra activities, so me getting sick would have caused some loss of income and other things on my part that would not be the same for him if he was the one getting sick).

Now for my brother and my fights over the last year. My brother has been exhibiting some concerning, borderline abusive behavior. Even if I did instigate some of the arguments, he would scream at me so loudly that someone two cars over from us at a traffic light could probably hear him. I was in fear for both of our lives at some points in the car because this is not only unacceptable behavior in my book, but distracting as I drive (I am also a new driver and have only had a license for about a year). When I brought this up to my mother as we were arguing, she said "I'm not saying it was right for him to scream at you, but if that's how he responds, that's how he responds". I can recall at least one time where I did not instigate (like he would get mad that I was playing a certain kind of music in the car even if he had his earbuds in blasting his own music, ask me to turn it off, and I wouldn't, to which he would then scream at me). My father is being useless as usual to stop this behavior (my brother has screamed at my mother like this before too, for separate reasons, sometimes with me in the car...I have recorded many instances of this but I will not share here for privacy reasons) and he writes it off as "elevated testosterone" and something my brother will grow out of. I have grown more distant from my brother during this time due to this and other things, and it seems that over this summer break things have calmed down a bit with him, so we are civil if not a little closer, but I am terrified that this will start again in the new term. Every time I get into my car with him, my body and brain are in fight or flight. I am also in fight or flight in my own house about 85% of the time. Simply being around my parents (my mother especially) makes my heart beat faster out of anxiety.

Now onto why I think my parents don't like me. For most of my life, I have struggled socially and have had trouble maintaining friendships. I would consider myself a serious and driven person, who may be a little intense at times since it is rather common for career-driven, ambitious women to be perceived as "aggressive" while their male equivalents are just "go-getters". My mother has always harshly criticized me for this, going so far as to call me "people repellent" tell me to smile more, tell me to wipe that "bitchy look" off my face, etc. There are far too many issues to list here. She has put a lot of effort into convincing me that I drive people away, am undateable, and am not friend material. She began telling me these things when I was as young as in nursery school, so when I say my whole life, I really mean it. She included a few digs about this in our recent argument, and because I had a serious expression on my face as she was going off on me, she said "Oh look, you're getting that bitchy look on your face again".

This argument is simply one example of when she reminds me of how repulsive I apparently am. The funny thing is that I have more friends than her and my dad combined do at their respective ages, so while I am certainly not everyone's cup of tea, I am someone's cup of tea...(I also have an amazing and loving boyfriend who is worlds more mature than most men his age, he's 21)

I just talked to them about this and how I feel I am constantly being ripped apart and scrutinized. I couldn't get a word in edgewise and they said that my "aggressive behavior" makes me deserving of this kind of criticism. I am 5 seconds away from giving up, groveling, sitting down and shutting up, and agreeing to deal with this until I can move out. I can get short with people and am maybe not always nice 100% of the time, but I am human, and if anything, the fact that I get defensive or shut down is because I am so afraid of their harsh words (they claim that their borderline bullying of me is simply hard to hear parental advice, and that I can take it or leave it but they will never stop telling me it). Why do I not get that level of grace at the very least? I have felt like an awful person for my whole life. My brother, on the other hand, has been told that he is the most kind and lovable being on the planet for his whole life. They have only become critical of him in the last few years because he is "old enough" to get this criticism. And I have apparently been old enough for my whole life, probably because I am the older sibling and am somehow responsible for setting an example. I can add more context in, but only so much as I do not want to be identified in this post.

One more interesting thing to note is that I have always been the more responsible sibling. My brother is terribly disorganized and doesn't seem to understand the urgency of doing well in school to pass our country's university entrance exams, which is important and coming up as he is in secondary school (even more important than our country's standardized exams, which have fallen out of favor). I have always prioritized school to an almost unhealthy degree, and have always done well and gotten high marks (one of the reasons my parents think I need to lighten up, by the way, and they have told me I should take school less seriously). This context is important because my dad is not a man that is impressed by much, and rarely says "I love you" or "I'm proud of you" while my mom is highly praising of me and my successes and is super supportive (surprising given the rest of this post's content, I know).

The last time my dad told me he was proud of me is when I won a prestigious national academic championship in our country a year ago. Since then, nothing. It's not that he's more proud of my brother, but my parents for sure reassure him more and when I ask why they aren't the same with me, my dad says "you shouldn't need validation" and said this even when I asked for it when I was my brother's age. So I was too old for it then, but my brother isn't too old for it now? It's extremely difficult to understand the mental gymnastics here. As part of this lecture, my dad also said that I need to have more EQ, but I'd argue he barely has any himself and is quite cold (he cannot ever have a serious conversation without making jokes, and cannot seem to understand the heaviness of a conversation, this recent conversation I've described is the first time he has managed not to crack jokes the whole time). He also never seems to disagree or challenge my mom, even if her behavior is wrong (and vice versa with her). How can you have EQ if you're just someone's "yes-man"?

Another interesting thing of note is that one of my parents used to tell me about their marital problems with the other parent when I was as young as 8 with the excuse that I was "mature enough" to know.

So sorry about the fact that this is disorganized and all over the place, but I needed to rant in here about this. All this context is important so I don't sound crazy, as I have been convinced I am for my whole life. I do not know what to do. Please help.

Edit: I guess I'm seeking a few things here.

1. I would like some insight if my parents have narcissistic tendencies because I'm starting to pick up on a pattern: I confront them, they make me feel badly about how direct I am and ask me if they're really "all that bad" or if they are "such terrible parents". Then I grovel and put my head down to deal with it. I have also been compared to a narcissistic family member (undiagnosed but we all know by now) for my whole life. Like, since I was very VERY young. Would any of what I described be classified as emotional abuse or favoritism?

2. I know I can't force anyone described in this post to change or recognize their shortcomings unless they choose to do so by their own volition. I'm curious regardless if there is a way I can frame this that can stimulate some self-reflection here, if at all possible. Maybe I used too many "you did x y and z thing and that was harmful" statements rather than using "I statements"? I have tried the latter before as well and it doesn't work. It's also hard not to break down crying. Either I'm crying or I start to raise my voice more and more. Regardless, I'm always talked over and not really listened too, or cut off.

3. The scenarios I'm about to be in with my brother are potentially mentally and physically dangerous for both him and I. How can I protect myself and record his behavior? Push comes to shove, I almost want to threaten sending recordings of him screaming to his school and escalating this to a police matter unless they commit him to psychiatric care, but I'm not sure how well that would end for me or him. I still care about him despite how horrible he's been to me. Even though I haven't always been a stellar sister, I know I don't deserve \*this.\*

4. Would giving my parents an ultimatum help? I thought perhaps telling them that they can expect no contact if this vicious cycle continues and they refuse to self-reflect (of course, this would be no contact upon me graduating, you can't really go NC if you live with them)

5. Can someone tell me how I can check if I truly own my car? Like if the paperwork states that it is in my name? I'm looking to see if I have any legal actions protecting me if they ever attempt to follow through on their threats. Even so, I'm saving up to pay the car off so I no longer have to have this hanging over my head and so I need not be my brother's chauffeur, a job I offered to do but was later forced to by them.

Any advice is appreciated, even if this situation is beyond the scope of reddit. I'm just looking for some impartiality.

(Posting from a relatively new account because I need this to be anonymous)

Hi everyone, I just need to vent and get some things off my chest, but I would appreciate guidance regardless. I, 20F, still live at home while attending uni. My brother, 16M, is still in secondary school. He is my only sibling. The way in which this whole fight began is because my parents (my mother specifically) threatened to take away/sell my car (that I paid half for and is in my name, by the way) if I cannot get along with my brother on the way to and from school because they are asking that I drive him (for context, they are not forcing me to do this, and have said I do not need to do it every single day if I am unable to, but they have been dangling this threat over my head for the past year).

This may seem like a reasonable request, but I need to provide some background context so that you can understand why this has my blood boiling. In this same argument, my mother accused me of being the only one to instigate my brother and my arguments over the past year (not completely true, we'll get to that soon). She also got mad at me for rolling the window down if he was sick and when I offered the compromise of wearing a mask in the car, she flew off the handle (mind you, I work during the year in addition to attending uni while my brother at the time had no job and barely any extra activities, so me getting sick would have caused some loss of income and other things on my part that would not be the same for him if he was the one getting sick).

Now for my brother and my fights over the last year. My brother has been exhibiting some concerning, borderline abusive behavior. Even if I did instigate some of the arguments, he would scream at me so loudly that someone two cars over from us at a traffic light could probably hear him. I was in fear for both of our lives at some points in the car because this is not only unacceptable behavior in my book, but distracting as I drive (I am also a new driver and have only had a license for about a year). When I brought this up to my mother as we were arguing, she said "I'm not saying it was right for him to scream at you, but if that's how he responds, that's how he responds". I can recall at least one time where I did not instigate (like he would get mad that I was playing a certain kind of music in the car even if he had his earbuds in blasting his own music, ask me to turn it off, and I wouldn't, to which he would then scream at me). My father is being useless as usual to stop this behavior (my brother has screamed at my mother like this before too, for separate reasons, sometimes with me in the car...I have recorded many instances of this but I will not share here for privacy reasons) and he writes it off as "elevated testosterone" and something my brother will grow out of. I have grown more distant from my brother during this time due to this and other things, and it seems that over this summer break things have calmed down a bit with him, so we are civil if not a little closer, but I am terrified that this will start again in the new term. Every time I get into my car with him, my body and brain are in fight or flight. I am also in fight or flight in my own house about 85% of the time. Simply being around my parents (my mother especially) makes my heart beat faster out of anxiety.

Now onto why I think my parents don't like me. For most of my life, I have struggled socially and have had trouble maintaining friendships. I would consider myself a serious and driven person, who may be a little intense at times since it is rather common for career-driven, ambitious women to be perceived as "aggressive" while their male equivalents are just "go-getters". My mother has always harshly criticized me for this, going so far as to call me "people repellent" tell me to smile more, tell me to wipe that "bitchy look" off my face, etc. There are far too many issues to list here. She has put a lot of effort into convincing me that I drive people away, am undateable, and am not friend material. She began telling me these things when I was as young as in nursery school, so when I say my whole life, I really mean it. She included a few digs about this in our recent argument, and because I had a serious expression on my face as she was going off on me, she said "Oh look, you're getting that bitchy look on your face again".

This argument is simply one example of when she reminds me of how repulsive I apparently am. The funny thing is that I have more friends than her and my dad combined do at their respective ages, so while I am certainly not everyone's cup of tea, I am someone's cup of tea...(I also have an amazing and loving boyfriend who is worlds more mature than most men his age, he's 21)

I just talked to them about this and how I feel I am constantly being ripped apart and scrutinized. I couldn't get a word in edgewise and they said that my "aggressive behavior" makes me deserving of this kind of criticism. I am 5 seconds away from giving up, groveling, sitting down and shutting up, and agreeing to deal with this until I can move out. I can get short with people and am maybe not always nice 100% of the time, but I am human, and if anything, the fact that I get defensive or shut down is because I am so afraid of their harsh words (they claim that their borderline bullying of me is simply hard to hear parental advice, and that I can take it or leave it but they will never stop telling me it). Why do I not get that level of grace at the very least? I have felt like an awful person for my whole life. My brother, on the other hand, has been told that he is the most kind and lovable being on the planet for his whole life. They have only become critical of him in the last few years because he is "old enough" to get this criticism. And I have apparently been old enough for my whole life, probably because I am the older sibling and am somehow responsible for setting an example. I can add more context in, but only so much as I do not want to be identified in this post.

One more interesting thing to note is that I have always been the more responsible sibling. My brother is terribly disorganized and doesn't seem to understand the urgency of doing well in school to pass our country's university entrance exams, which is important and coming up as he is in secondary school (even more important than our country's standardized exams, which have fallen out of favor). I have always prioritized school to an almost unhealthy degree, and have always done well and gotten high marks (one of the reasons my parents think I need to lighten up, by the way, and they have told me I should take school less seriously). This context is important because my dad is not a man that is impressed by much, and rarely says "I love you" or "I'm proud of you" while my mom is highly praising of me and my successes and is super supportive (surprising given the rest of this post's content, I know).

The last time my dad told me he was proud of me is when I won a prestigious national academic championship in our country a year ago. Since then, nothing. It's not that he's more proud of my brother, but my parents for sure reassure him more and when I ask why they aren't the same with me, my dad says "you shouldn't need validation" and said this even when I asked for it when I was my brother's age. So I was too old for it then, but my brother isn't too old for it now? It's extremely difficult to understand the mental gymnastics here. As part of this lecture, my dad also said that I need to have more EQ, but I'd argue he barely has any himself and is quite cold (he cannot ever have a serious conversation without making jokes, and cannot seem to understand the heaviness of a conversation, this recent conversation I've described is the first time he has managed not to crack jokes the whole time). He also never seems to disagree or challenge my mom, even if her behavior is wrong (and vice versa with her). How can you have EQ if you're just someone's "yes-man"?

Another interesting thing of note is that one of my parents used to tell me about their marital problems with the other parent when I was as young as 8 with the excuse that I was "mature enough" to know.

So sorry about the fact that this is disorganized and all over the place, but I needed to rant in here about this. All this context is important so I don't sound crazy, as I have been convinced I am for my whole life. I do not know what to do. Please help.

Edit: I guess I'm seeking a few things here.

1. I would like some insight if my parents have narcissistic tendencies because I'm starting to pick up on a pattern: I confront them, they make me feel badly about how direct I am and ask me if they're really "all that bad" or if they are "such terrible parents". Then I grovel and put my head down to deal with it. I have also been compared to a narcissistic family member (undiagnosed but we all know by now) for my whole life. Like, since I was very VERY young. Would any of what I described be classified as emotional abuse or favoritism?

2. I know I can't force anyone described in this post to change or recognize their shortcomings unless they choose to do so by their own volition. I'm curious regardless if there is a way I can frame this that can stimulate some self-reflection here, if at all possible. Maybe I used too many "you did x y and z thing and that was harmful" statements rather than using "I statements"? I have tried the latter before as well and it doesn't work. It's also hard not to break down crying. Either I'm crying or I start to raise my voice more and more. Regardless, I'm always talked over and not really listened too, or cut off.

3. The scenarios I'm about to be in with my brother are potentially mentally and physically dangerous for both him and I. How can I protect myself and record his behavior? Push comes to shove, I almost want to threaten sending recordings of him screaming to his school and escalating this to a police matter unless they commit him to psychiatric care, but I'm not sure how well that would end for me or him. I still care about him despite how horrible he's been to me. Even though I haven't always been a stellar sister, I know I don't deserve this.

4. Would giving my parents an ultimatum help? I thought perhaps telling them that they can expect no contact if this vicious cycle continues and they refuse to self-reflect (of course, this would be no contact upon me graduating, you can't really go NC if you live with them)

5. Can someone tell me how I can check if I truly own my car? Like if the paperwork states that it is in my name? I'm looking to see if I have any legal actions protecting me if they ever attempt to follow through on their threats. Even so, I'm saving up to pay the car off so I no longer have to have this hanging over my head and so I need not be my brother's chauffeur, a job I offered to do but was later forced to by them.

Any advice is appreciated, even if this situation is beyond the scope of reddit. I'm just looking for some impartiality.

TLDR: I think my parents have narcissistic tendencies and have convinced me I'm undesirable in every way, using the excuse that it's just "parenting" and tough love.

Hi everyone, not seeking medical advice at all, but curious if anyone has experienced this and is comfortable sharing what exactly caused it.

I have had my period for nearly 5 (or possibly 6, I kind of lost count) weeks now. The flow has varied from medium, to heavy, to extra heavy, to extra EXTRA heavy. With it has come lethargy, somewhat wildly fluctuating weight, a near-constant awful headache, unusual odor, and itching.

The latter two symptoms have been happening for quite a while now on and off, but I thought it was normal to have these to some degree so I ignored it. It's gotten worse as of late, though, and I am also having some severe abdominal pain, so I'm going to my doctor tomorrow. I have also had periods in the last year that have lasted 2 or 3 weeks at a time, but those times I think it was adjusting to the pill (as for this post, it's the second time I've bled for at least a month straight, but this is the longest it's gone on, I'm 20 and got my first period at age 11).

For some context, though I have a serious bf, I am not sexually active and don't have a history of reproductive issues (though I believe endometriosis runs in my family, so perhaps this is something I should consider). Also, I am on birth control (a daily pill) but previously irregularly took it (like I would miss many days and then be good about taking it every day, on and off, etc.). I know this messed things up, but I think my body has readjusted for the most part to taking the pill properly by now. I'm curious to know if this visit to the doc is an overreaction or if this is something I should be concerned about.