u/Coffee_Beans907

….being a person can be so hard.
I’ve been thinking about where I’m at in life. Where you’re at in life. How I got here and how the heck to get to where we want to be.

I’m somewhere between knowing the path and walking it myself. I know what is right and true and healthy, but I am just baby-steps into actually living and embodying that in truth.

Knowing and doing: they are different. While discerning (or knowing) is the first step, the doing is a big part of *becoming*. Becoming leads to understanding, which gives us the capacity for compassion.

All these steps are all interconnected but also speak to respective parts of ourselves: our thoughts and beliefs, our identity, our soul….our purpose. It’s funny because I feel like I really need compassion ~~for~~ myself most when I stumble into the gap between knowing and doing, yet it eludes me until there is enough distance between the actual time my discernment is tested through my actions (or inactions) and I have gained perspective on that past moment.

Maybe this is the process of alignment? Being a whole person can be so complicated.

I hope you are healing. I hope you know you are loved.

I’ve been thinking about where I’m at in life. Where you’re at in life. How I got here and how the heck to get to where we want to be.

I’m somewhere between knowing the path and walking it myself. I know what is right and true and healthy, but I am just baby-steps into actually living and embodying that in truth.

Knowing and doing: they are different. While discerning (or knowing) is the first step, the doing is a big part of becoming. Becoming leads to understanding, which gives us the capacity for compassion.

All these steps are all interconnected but also speak to respective parts of ourselves: our thoughts and beliefs, our identity, our soul….our purpose. It’s funny because I feel like I really need compassion for myself most when I stumble into the gap between knowing and doing, yet it eludes me until there is enough distance between the actual time my discernment is tested through my actions (or inactions) and I have gained perspective on that past moment.

Maybe this is the process of alignment? Being a whole person can be so complicated. I hope you are healing. I hope you know you are loved.

Broken hearted people with good intentions, who were loyal but betrayed. Used up, thrown away, or replaced with someone lesser, by someone unworthy ….so, Why can’t we figure out how to meet up? Good for good? Might be my new motto.

Come here. Hold me tonight.

Someone who aligns their words with how they walk through this word. And their energy aligns with their true intentions.
Not asking for perfection, but transparency and genuine connection—always. A Real knows a Real One….Has to be real. Doesn’t have to be easy, but has to be real. Salt of the Earth. Need only apply.

I gave too much of myself away to blind foolish love. I thought building you up would mean we would be stronger, but you took the best of me and left me broken without even a shrug.
In truth, I feel like you robbed me; not just of materials or finances—you robbed me of feeling safe. You robbed me of confidence. You robbed me of hope and of my better senses.

You tried to steal my light! In the mirror I can see how it’s dimmed—evidence that you tried to take my very soul within. Yet this remains mine, as does the broken heart beneath my ribs. They will heal and grow despite the sin.

I will never forget how I gave you love and in return you gave me nothing but pain and confusion. The injustice of it all fills my chest with a tight cold chill. Like a demon claw trying to steal away my human will. You’ll not win this time you dark and hateful thing. Keep your 6s away from me.

…In fact, it was just stuff holding me back really.

What you never see is that I’m just a nerd out of water. I’m not used to these weird settings and off social dynamics with people who have completely given over to their dark side. In the beginning, I truly thought you had fallen into hard times, knocked off your throne, so to speak, but you were determined to stand back up and climb even higher.

I did , I believed in you. You looked me in the the eye one night when you were trying to tell me about investments and stocks and I kind of giggled about something, and with such conviction, and a sly smile, you told me you were going to be a millionaire.

My excitement had nothing to do with dollars, but with the spark I saw behind your eye. You were certain. I was convinced. You are someone with ambition and conviction and standards…and so creative and talented! I knew I wanted to see you become all you dreamed of becoming. But first things first… your kids, and getting back in your feet right?

Wrong. How could I have been so wrong? And for so long! I saw that spark fade from you. Your ambitions shrank from global travel to the total dimensions of the crawl space under the house which you refused to leave. I fiercely fought for your dream while you faded into a blurry stream of unending vices. My heart broke over and over again seeing you lose yourself to you pain, always shoving past me to seek out darker pleasures.

I still caught glimpses of that clear, deep but buoyant soul… but they were ever fleeting and replaced with someone who sought above all else an escape from his shame through quick fixes and shallow connections.

And all the while I was fixated on your wellbeing and state of mind while completely ignoring my own declining state. I became a wreck. I nearly died three times this past year. I lost so much. You’ll never even know.

I’m but a shadow of my former-self. You started to become disgusted with my appearance and my constant pleadings to focus on healing and progress. After sacrificing more than I can ever admit to myself, to be left with nothing but scorn, you turned me away for another who you deftly reeled in behind my back. A horrid violent doe-eyes, self-absorbed narcissist many years your jr. she had the audacity to violently and brutally attack me in the home I invested so much into—which you moved her into—calling her your true love? What a monstrous thing to do to any human being and you did it with such hatred.

After everything. Now you look to me for comfort as she sees you for your actions not your words. I’m sorry you suffer the pains of a man who lost all faith in himself—truly I am. But how can you be so cruel as to expect so much from me while providing so little? Not even kindness do I get from you! Not even the decency of feigned loyalty. You just take into the dark void where a heart once beat. No sense of respect or responsibility. No compassion. You have never seen me. You are not capable of seeing anyone or anything beyond your own pain. You are your whole world and everyone else is there to entertain you. The filth you live in, the vile people you keep company with. And I’m looked at as though I’m “lame”? Awkward out of place? I would certainly hope so!

Do you see what you have become? Do you ever take account for everything you have let yourself become? Is admitting you need help worth this kind of low-level debauchery? I’m devastated, yet still find myself stifling my hurt so as not to agitate yours. You’ll never notice of course. Never. You only see your suffering and the quickest route to abate it. Nothing and no one else matters anymore. I still love you but you are truly lost. I see now only God can lead you back to higher ground at this point.

I feel helpless. What can I do but pray and have faith? My person suffers but refuses help or healing. They are lost in a tremulous world of churning pain, denial and deflection. To be close to them is to ensure my own downfall as the chaos will swallow us both. It’s not fair. They chase the company of others seeking a relief that will not come, or, at least it will not stay. They are meant for so much more than this purgatory they have committed to….Meant for great love, meant for great joy and great adventure, but they can’t see past the fear and the painful dread that encroaches when love draws near.

I would walk with them through anything this world could conjure, but they won’t turn and face the monster that chases them into a blind panic, and thus into shadow and darkness.

So again and again they run away. Again and again I’m left here alone to suffer. My own pain twisting, becoming anger and anxiety. I too am worn thin by what haunts them. Angered by injustice and disloyalty. But the monster that hunts them will not stop until they stand their ground. No one can make that choice but them and I see they are growing wearier with every attempt to deflect an imagined blow.

They wander lost without a fixed guiding light and I await in at the edge of the shadows hoping for a miracle. Please, raise you eyes and seek the light my love. I’ll hold your hand and we will navigate and way-find together.

Laughter is just on the other side of these shadows.