u/ColdRanger7881

(Warning, this is a nonsensical rant. I am not mentally okay.)

I think it’s OCD but it feels like cheating to say that. I went down a spiral on Reddit trying to ask people in the trans community for advice on what I was, and now I’m convinced I’m a lesbian and not trans.

All it takes is a single person to confidently tell me I’m XYZ identity that I don’t identify with and it’s over for me. I went from thinking I was a gay trans guy, to questioning why I started out as a lesbian, and then when I went online to ask about it, it just confirmed that I was a lesbian this whole time. I’m too afraid to talk about it anymore because I know I sound crazy. But I always want to cry about it. It makes me feel lesbophobic that it genuinely makes me depressed to be perceived as a lesbian, or even a straight man.

Oh yeah that’s another thing. I’ve had people suggest I’m a straight trans man, and for some reason that felt worse? Because now I don’t even want to transition anymore if that’s the end result, because I don’t want to date women. I’ve tried, and I don’t enjoy it.

I know I sound like a crazy person but I’m so depressed right now, I feel like the depression has eaten away at my brain and now I don’t want to transition anymore, but I hate that I don’t want to transition. Like the depression has eaten away at my brain and now I’m actually crazy or something. I wish I was born male.

I’m just depressed and disconnected from reality. Literally nothing helps. And this subreddit kinda feels like screaming into the void too.

I have so much FOMO because everyone and their moms (their literal mothers, the woman that birthed them) have seen Heated Rivalry. I want to watch it so damn bad, but I’ve only been able to watch it in tiny increments, like maybe a quarter of an episode. Then, it becomes too much and I stop watching. Does it ever get easier? I’ve stopped consuming almost all mlm media ever since my dysphoria got 200x worse. I feel like when I was younger I consumed that type of media to cope with dysphoria, but now I can’t even go near it and I hate that I can’t enjoy something that I know I’d absolutely adore if I was born AMAB.

Even when I’m scrolling on TikTok, if I get a reel on my for you page that mentions Heated Rivalry or any of the actors that played in it, I scroll past it so quick.

Does it ever get better? I’m just posting this because I’m frustrated. I wanna watch this show so damn bad, and I literally have the free will to turn it on and watch it till the end. I have the free will to go to the bookstore and buy all the books. But it’s like my brain is stopping me, screaming at me and telling me it hurts too much. I have so much goddamn FOMO seeing everyone celebrate this show. I feel like Squidward watching everyone have fun outside while he’s stuck in his house, miserable. Everyone is celebrating the queerness of the show, and I wanna celebrate with them, goddamn it. :(

(Internalized transphobia in this post)

It started off as my primary reason for wanting to transition, and the realization was what cracked my egg initially. But after the egg cracked, it’s like all of a sudden my dysphoria just shot up to 100% and I feel like I want to cry just existing now. Like I have an existential bodily horror just going outside and feeling my body move and exist in ways I don’t want it to.

I feel too guilty to use trans tape though, because I feel like a disgusting fetishizer for wanting to be trans so bad, and for what? Because I want to be a gay man? I know it’s irrational but I feel like a dumbass for wanting to alleviate dysphoria now, because my dysphoria feels like a joke.

Is this internalized transphobia or, what is this exactly? I just really wish I had someone that went through the same experience to talk to. Nobody I know understands this feeling.

Edit: it’s also majorly distressing because I don’t even know what my sexual orientation is. I thought I was a lesbian for a while so I don’t even relate to people that started off as straight women. All I know is that I want an mlm relationship, and I don’t even know who I’m attracted to, or if I’m asexual, etc. If I had to be a woman forever, I’d never date anyone ever again.

Edit 2: I’ll be honest guys…I don’t know why but this whole thread didn’t make me feel any better. Nothing helps. There’s too much shame and humiliation involved, and no amount of telling me that I am this or that can possibly fix me. Sorry for wasting everyone’s time.

TW: bottom dysphoria

I used to say it myself, because I was too prudish to say the word “penis”. But over time, after my egg fully cracked, I get dysphoric as hell every time someone refers to natal penis as “the real thing”, especially when cis people say it in comparison to strap.

I hate bottoming too, so I just get so sick to my stomach sometimes that many people only see value in me because of genitals I don’t even want.

The last time I cried about my bottom dysphoria on Reddit, it was before I realized I was trans. I went onto the pegging subreddits and tried to communicate my dysphoria before I even realized it was dysphoria. So I got a bunch of straight men telling me “I don’t mind the strap because women have boobs, and men don’t, so that’s why I don’t mind the strap not being the real thing!” And it was framed as a positive, but to me, it made me so sick to my stomach I cried about it for weeks, because I don’t want to be valued for boobs.

Edit: natal penis is a better way to describe it. I realize cis penis is too limiting of a term to use, because not all people that have one are cis.

Being transmasc and also into guys has given me so many insecurities my entire life, but the only place where I’ve ever felt completely understood about these insecurities is on this subreddit. Not only have I felt safe to share my negative thoughts and feelings with you guys, I’ve gotten nothing but empathy, support, and advice from everyone here. The moderators are also wonderful and I can tell they care so deeply about this community.

I just wanted to make this post because every once in a while I marvel at how non toxic this place is, it’s very rare that I feel this way about a Reddit community. I’m always reminded of how nice this place is whenever I’m scrolling on my “for you page” (or whatever it’s called for Reddit) and I always see just nice posts from this place.

I’m planning on taking a break from Reddit, but I couldn’t leave without expressing my gratitude to this beautiful community for helping me through my darkest moments. 🩵🩷🤍

I’ve always had awful, terrible real event ocd pretty much as long as I can remember. I keep thinking all of my most shameful stuff I’ve posted/said/liked/commented will come back to haunt me in the unforeseeable future. I want to delete this Reddit account (for my mental health’s sake) but I keep wanting to check if I leaked any personally identifiable information, and I want to keep checking if I deleted everything, even in private messages. I’ve made plenty of mistakes on this Reddit account and my brain is telling me these mistakes are unforgivable.

I keep thinking I accidentally gave my real name to someone in my DMs even though I remember giving them a fake name. But I keep replaying the event and it’s beginning to feel like I gave them my real name and now I feel this compulsive urge to change my name (sounds insane, I know).

It makes me not want to have a career anymore, because why bother going public if someone might somehow find all my worst moments throughout my past and use that as a representative of who I am? I know this thought is irrational, but it really does feel like I’m the only awful person in this world and everyone else is perfect and uncontaminated. I look at other people and envy them because I keep thinking they must be way better people than I am. I wish I could restart my entire life and have a blank slate, and just never do a single bad thing ever again. I know it’s irrational to think that way but it’s how I truly feel.

I plan to come out once I’m financially able to provide for myself outside of the military, but in the meantime I’ve been closeted out of fear. Because if I end up getting separated, it’ll out me to my parents, and I kind of need to rely on them to survive at the moment.

I tried navigating to the trans repressors subreddit thinking it was the best place to go (dumbass decision, I know), but that shit made me 200x worse. Wow, my god, that subreddit is so depressing. I can’t believe I ever thought repressing was a good idea. But I don’t know what else to do while I keep my head down. I’m so lonely, I wish I could go to trans support groups openly and spend time with other trans people. Using the internet as a substitute for that isn’t the same. Sometimes I come across nasty people, and other times I come across good people but I only talk with them once and never see them again. I wish I had a constant support system that I could be open to, that’s not unpredictable like the internet is. I’ve come out to trusted friends, but they’re not queer so they’re not really interested talking about it with me when I desperately want them to.

I can literally open a video of the most normal video of Elliot Page talking about his life, and without fail, a million people in the comments will be talking about how they feel bad for him. How he “has a sadness in his eyes” ever since he transitioned. It’s all in their heads, because if my memory is correct he always had those contemplative yearning eyes even before he transitioned. Like…that’s just how his face looks. I’ve seen him get sad about stuff, even before he transitioned. They genuinely think he regrets it, but when I see him talk about being trans, he seems so at peace.

It just feels like everyone is gaslighting me about Elliot Page…like he really does seem happy with his transition, and even if he wasn’t, that’s his business.

Edit: I just wanted to add that something about people’s treatment of Elliot Page feels super infantilizing. Like “oh, boo hoo, poor Elliot Page, he’s so sad now. I feel so bad for him.” I wish people would stfu and stop feeling bad for someone that has literally expressed several times that he feels wonderful being a man.

Sometimes it feels like cheating to just call the guilt and shame OCD instead of actually reflecting on it.

I’m sorry if I’ve posted about this several times here within the last 24 hours but I’ve been dealing with a lot of internalized transphobia and I turned to Reddit to try to process it and I ended up saying nasty things because the internalized transphobia is so bad. The only reason why I’m posting on this subreddit so often is because I’m trying so hard to resist using ChatGPT. As a matter of fact, ChatGPT enabled my reassurance seeking behavior even more and it made me worse. I’d rather post a million things on this subreddit than use ChatGPT, because ChatGPT legitimately made my gender dysphoria and OCD significantly worse and left me almost bedridden.

The amount of times I’ve said stupid shit on this website as a way to feel better is actually insane. I have such a chaotic mix of anxiety, fear, disgust, anger, resentment, sadness, depression, loneliness, etc. and when I go online to express these weird mix of feelings I inevitably sound fucked up and insane.

I’ve vented several times on this website as a way to compulsively seek warmth and reassurance from people, and in doing so I’ve definitely come across as an asshole, and I feel so fucking bad about it now. I kind of have gender dysphoria mixing in with OCD, which is why I’m feeling such an intense clash of emotions, but my OCD has made me yearn for reassurance and warmth from people online over and over again. And when I get ignored, my OCD gets heightened and I get irrationally angrier.

I feel like a dumbass right now. I feel ashamed of all the posts I’ve made on this Reddit account. I feel mortified at my behavior, and I feel the need to torch this entire account to make sure not a trace is left. I feel the need to apologize to someone, but I don’t even know who or how.

Edit: I just wanted to add something. These past few weeks since I’ve relapsed, I have ended up developing resentment towards the people that have triggered my relapse. That’s why I feel all this anger and frustration in addition to the OCD. I feel like this anger and resentment is completely unfair though, and that’s why I feel awful. I just wanted to add that detail for extra context.

TW: bottom dysphoria, as per the title

It took me an entire year to come to terms with it. I literally realized I had bottom dysphoria during my therapy session just before.

I’m still skeptical if it’s really bottom dysphoria, or if I just feel insecure about people glorifying cis penis and shitting on bottom growth. And I’m still a little worried that maybe I’m just jealous of how easy it is for cis men to jerk off and pleasure themselves.

I’ve always been into cock worship, but strap ons make me sad, like it makes me so sad that I have to put plastic on my body. I know it sounds stupid, but it makes me sad that anyone can go online and buy my dick and order it in the mail. It’s not unique to my body, and it’s not attached to me either.

Before I realized it was bottom dysphoria, I cried about it to a kinky subreddit, and they all dismissed me and told me to just date straight guys because they couldn’t possibly want a cis dick. And that made me feel worse because it implied that the only way for me to be accepted by my partner is for my partner to be repulsed by cis men. Shit made my bottom dysphoria 200x worse. Oh yeah and they downvoted me to shit every time I told them I didn’t want to exclude bi men. I feel like several people told me to date straight men like that was the simplest answer. Shit still makes me angry to this day. The idea of dating straight men because “straight men aren’t attracted to penis” makes me dysphoric as hell, obviously. I don’t want straight men to be attracted to me.

I don’t know where to go from here. I am considering bottom surgery, but I’m not sure if I want the surgery to escape the dysphoria or if I’m just insecure about my body’s perceived value by society.

I have such bad sensitivity for social judgement but at the same time I want to talk about some of the most taboo thoughts I’ve been having lately.

I can’t stop posting in communities I care about (queer communities) hoping for some support, but since I have such assholish thoughts and feelings I’m trying to process, I justifiably get downvoted and have people arguing with me. I want to make it clear I totally understand where they’re coming from, and I’m just upset at myself for continually going to Reddit for help with these shitty thoughts and feeling despite knowing how shitty it’ll make me look.

I literally keep harming myself over and over, and every time I post on reddit with my deepest darkest thoughts, I become worse off.

For context…I’ve been having really REALLY bad internalized transphobic thoughts lately, and I’m pretty sure OCD is somehow tied into my behavior for seeking comfort. I keep hurting myself over and over again when the thoughts and feelings get worse and worse. I feel like the Internet has made me become a disgusting person, and I’ve enabled it.

I have such bad sensitivity for social judgement but at the same time I want to talk about some of the most taboo thoughts I’ve been having lately.

I can’t stop posting in communities I care about (queer communities) hoping for some support, but since I have such assholish thoughts and feelings I’m trying to process, I justifiably get downvoted and have people arguing with me.

I literally keep harming myself over and over, and every time I post on reddit with my deepest darkest thoughts, I become worse off.

For context…I’ve been having really REALLY bad internalized transphobic thoughts lately, and I’m pretty sure OCD is somehow tied into my behavior for seeking comfort. I keep hurting myself over and over again when the thoughts and feelings get worse and worse. I feel like the Internet has made me become a disgusting person, and I’ve enabled it.

It was after I posted on this very subreddit. Some guy reached out and acted all nice like he wanted to talk. But the moment I told him my (male) name, he completely ghosted me without a trace.

It’s just shitty if you think about it both ways. On the one hand, he doesn’t give a shit about men who are in need of mental health support. On the other hand, he just wants to talk to vulnerable women that are suffering. Either way, it’s shitty all around. If I was a woman I’d be equally pissed that someone’s only interested in talking to me because I’m a woman going through something traumatic.

If you’re a woman in a vulnerable place mentally, please beware of men like him that are willing to take advantage of your vulnerability.

Warning: hurtful comments, lots and lots of internalized transphobia, hatred, etc.

Whenever cis people make me dysphoric, it’s a lot easier to brush off because I would never expect cis people to understand. Whenever my own body makes me dysphoric it just feels like a natural occurrence that I’ve experienced my whole life.

I just don’t know what to do with myself when other trans people make me dysphoric. It’s like a million different feelings clashing together, feelings that contradict each other. I feel like a fraud, like my dysphoria is made up. But I’ve also begun to feel resentment too, because I feel almost betrayed. But I don’t want to talk about it because I know the minute I say something even slightly angry at a single trans person, cishet people will use it against the trans community at large. Like even if I criticized someone as shitty as Blaire White, cishet people will use that as leverage against all trans people.

I hate my life, oh my god. I’m so chronically online that I’ve begun to hate everyone, even other trans people that did nothing wrong. I don’t want to talk to anyone anymore and I don’t want to be trans anymore because I hate everyone and I don’t want community anymore. I hate my friends, I hate my family, and I hate myself.

I wish I could just stop existing. Not in a suicidal way. I just wish I could go to sleep and never wake up. I’m so dysphoric right now and I feel like my dysphoria being invalidated has irreparably made me more dysphoric, and I don’t want to keep living like this anymore. I don’t even want to fucking transition anymore, because I feel like a stupid fucking fraud. I don’t know what to do with all this hatred.

I live with transphobic parents and I need to find a way to get a job to move out. But I’m so dysphoric every day I can barely function. Even doing basic things like taking a shower takes too much energy, let alone getting a job.

My parents are beginning to see me as lazy because I have yet to get a job, but I’m closeted and haven’t told them I’m dysphoric. I know if I did tell them it would sorta ruin my life and traumatize me forever. My dream is to move out and get treatment for whatever it is I’m experiencing now, but I have no money to do that.

I’m so lonely, and I don’t really have any friends that are willing to talk with me about the dysphoria every day, and I feel bad for wanting that. I do text the few friends that know I’m trans, but they’re super busy with their own lives. The only thing I have going for me is therapy, but it feels like it’s not working.

I just wanted to make a post to say thank you to all the wonderful people on this subreddit. Talking with you guys genuinely helped work out my sexual orientation and I’ve even come across people that helped me figure out my gender identity as well.

I’m gonna miss this community so much though. I’ve literally never had a bad experience here. I’m feeling bittersweet about having to leave, because on the one hand, I’m off to the next step in my identity. But on the other hand, you’ve all helped me through so much when I identified as a bi woman.

Cheers.

Edit: Thank you all for your beautiful responses!!! And thank you for the award! I wasn’t expecting this many people to see this post, but I appreciate it so much!

Had a sexual orientation crisis and went to Reddit like a dumbass. Ended up getting plenty of people in my comments saying things that triggered me even further, either intentionally or unintentionally.

I’m at a point where I want to continue posting after I’ve been triggered real bad, but posting makes me even more triggered. It’s a vicious cycle.

I already identified as bisexual but I would go through phases where the ocd makes me question if I really “count” as bisexual. Then I went to Reddit to try and find certainty, then came across people that said I wasn’t actually bisexual. I spiraled further. I want to break the cycle so bad.

Feel stuck and sad :( I did this all to myself.

I’m a trans guy and I started out thinking I was a lesbian, and with time I realized I could only see myself with men if I was also a guy. It kind of led me to have a ginormous identity crisis, where I went through a shit ton of OCD-style spirals all over Reddit asking people for advice on how to figure out my identity. Got some people insisting I must be a lesbian or a straight man as a result of that, which sent me into a further spiral.

I feel kinda bad posting here because I used to frequent bisexual women subreddits, but over time, as I experimented with my gender and transitioned, those subreddits didn’t resonate with me anymore.

I also just feel insecure because I still have my lesbian roots from my woman days, and because of that I feel like I don’t relate to many queer men. For example I still watch lesbian porn, and every time I watch it I feel less queer somehow, like I’m just a straight guy. The bisexual label feels the most comfortable to me, but I feel morally wrong for claiming it.

I’m sort of posting this to dip my toes into this subreddit and see how it resonates with me. When I was a bisexual woman I used to be super jealous of this subreddit and wanted to be a part of it so badly.