u/Compati1996

i have four planets in pisces. cancer rising. water dominant birth chart.
does anyone else have a lot of pisces in their chart and feel very misunderstood? in a negative way
i feel like people see me as overly sensitive, emotional, “difficult” and like to paint me as “the bad guy”. i genuinely always have pure intentions… as the risk of sounding insufferable i feel like im honestly too nice and wear my heart on my sleeve which has been very painful. it seems like people sense this and then use me as an easy target.
i hope im not alone.

Thinking of my own parents, and noticing the comments of other boomers about other people or their kids…
they all seem so emotionally immature. of course not all, but a lot seem to have very limited EQ and understanding of others, especially those that are younger than them.
why??? it’s honestly creating a strong bias in me towards boomers.

Hi
i’m 30f
I have lived off/on from my family of course since i was 18. went to college. went to grad school. lived in Santa Monica, NYC, San Diego, Santa barbara by myself for periods of time. besides the stresses of working and money, i was fine.
i have been living with my parents for 8 months due to a health issue that luckily has gotten significantly better. however, i am being asked to move out since me and my mom just absolutely do not get along. it’s been years of us having relational problems that do not get repaired. i’m at the point where i feel like i need to go low contact. i know moving out will be the best thing for me, especially long-term. but i get anxious/ fearful of being independent… even when i already have been. it’s like i don’t want much to do with my mom anymore but also the thought of not having her is nerve-wracking. it’s feels like some weird Stockholm syndrome… as dramatic as that sounds. i can’t live with her but also feel a bit like i can’t live without her. i also suffer from codependency where i’ve become overly dependent on others to feel emotionally stable/secure. when i’m on my own, with no partner, or a very close friend i feel uneasy and just generally unstable. not emotionally unstable, just feel uneasy and untethered in life. it’s like i find my rooting with another person. i know this isn’t healthy and it’s gotten much better with therapy and slowly coming into my self- worth.
does anyone relate?

i know this is going to sound ass backwards.

i have a narcissistic/ emotionally immature mom. i’m finally coming to terms with the fact i’ve been emotionally abused by her since i was a kid.

because of the abuse, i developed severe codependency and abandonment fears. i cling on to whoever is closest to me ( it’s gotten much better) and have a deep fear of being alone. however, it’s ironic because i actually love being alone. i feel like it’s gotten more and more intolerable to be around people…. but i’m more afraid of being independent. fully independent. financially, emotionally. no partner. just me. just depending on myself.

It’s weird because part of me wants to get so far away from her and go no contact and another part of me is terrified not to have her or any shred of support i get from her.

its like i oscillate between extremes of being clingy, fearing abandonment then going to feeling like i want nothing to do with her.

can anyone relate?

I'm 30f and live in CA.

For the last 6 years life has been extremely chronically stressful and difficult. Financially, emotionally, relationally, and now with my physical health.

If I were to tell all the events of the last 6 years of my life it would take hours so I am going to try and may it concise.

Since high school, but especially in the last 6 years my mom and I have had a very toxic unhealthy relationship. She isn't a full blown clinical narcissist, but she had narcissistic tendencies (confirmed by multiple therapists) or is very emotionally immature. She is controlling, manipulative, and is the most judgmental/superficial person I have ever met. She constantly criticized me and my father. Whether it's been about appearances, weight, my personality. She has for years insulted my character. It's ALWAYS, "You're sensitive/difficult, etc" For years she uses DARVO techniques. Constantly shifts the blame to me, shames me, NEVER takes accountability for her actions. It is always my behavior that is the issue, rather than her actions. I have a very narcissistic family dynamic extending back 2/3 generations. Most of my family members are low/no contact. I have tried everything I have possibly can to work with her; communicating in a healthy way, expressing my boundaries (which are never respected). It has gone as far as me begging, pleading, screaming at her to get through to her. Nothing changes. She has no awareness of how her actions continuously hurt me and have completely deteriorated our relationship. I am absolutely the scapegoat in my family. I am the problem. I am difficult. I'm too sensitive.

I have been living at home for 8 months due to being diagnosed with a chronic illness in January. I never wanted to live with them again. But I did not have the financial ability to support myself and my ability for daily function drastically dropped. Luckily, it has gotten much better after receiving treatment for 8 months. However, I still have chronic fatigue that makes it very tiring to work full-time. The plan with my parents and I was that I would live at home to stabilize myself physically before becoming independent again. Unfortunately, this has cost me even more of my mental health.

I am in 197k dollars with of federal student loan debt. Luckily, I have very little CC debt that I am paying off (about 500 dollars). I wanted to stay home to begin working again and save as much money as possible to have financially security for when I leave so I never have to live with them again.

Unfortunately, my mom and I keep fighting horribly. My parents are saying I need to leave. I know deep down I need to leave since the relationships are toxic and don't help me emotionally. However, I am very worried about juggling life independently with a chronic illness and no savings, no retirement, not being able to lucky work full time for a little while.

On top of that, I had a break up with an addict two months ago. We were together for over a year. The relationship was very unhealthy and toxic. It caused a lot of stress for me. Due to the trauma of my family dynamics, I am very codependent. Being alone terrifies me, which is also ironic because I feel like I rather be alone 90% of the time because it's just easier. I'm very overwhelmed and stressed about living alone with having constant fatigue from the illness and having literally no savings.

Luckily, I got a casual job working for a family that pays $270 a week. I am also suppose to start working with someone else soon, but I have to build my own caseload which can take many months to reach a somewhat livable income.

This is just the past year. Many more unhealthy relationships and stress has happened in the last 6 years. I've moved 10 ten times. I never live anywhere longer than 12-18 months. I have moved states and countries. I've experienced off/on depression and severe loneliness. I have lost friends. I have had other relational trauma from past partners.

I don't have many friends where I live. I don't have the emotional support from my parents.

I would've liked to say at home to save money and have a more stable living situation. However, at this point my parents think it's best for me to leave since my mom and I cannot get along. I know it's the best thing long-term most likely, but I am very worried about the financial aspect of it and being on my own with little friend/family support.

My dad is willing to pay rent and help with costs of moving out. Thank god, and I am really grateful for that. But my family has financial problems. We cannot afford that much. We live in a very high cost living area. I am extremely emotionally worn down and the thought of living with a complete stranger again (I've had horrible roommate experiences) sounds like another nightmare/ stress for me.

I am so worn down physically and emotionally after carrying so much for years, that I think I might just try to go to an outpatient/inpatient clinic to get more emotional support while I figure out how to proceed with my life.

Being broke, having an emotionally abusive family, 197k in student loan debt, a chronic illness, and recovering from a codependent/addict relationship in the last 8 months....I just feel like I am on my last thread. I feel like I've been pushing and pushing for survival for years, without a break. I feel like my ability to cope keeps getting tested. I'm exhausted.

i graduated last year with my MA in clinical psych, marriage and family therapy in CA. unfortunately, i am now in 197k debt of student loans (federal). yes, i know this is extremely high. i tried to be responsible by going to a lower cost tuition school over a program i actually wanted to go to that was 40/50k more expensive. i took out grad PLUS loans for two years to live (most of my debt with 9% interest). I worked two unpaid internships during grad school with school being full-time. please don’t have any negative comments about taking so many loans to life with GRAD plus loans. i truly was trying to be responsible. 1. going to a cheaper tuition program 2. only living on 48k a year which is nothing in Southern Ca. I know some people will say I should’ve worked too during this time, but i truly am the type of person to get very easily overwhelmed/stressed. I would not be able to do two internships and school full time plus a job without having a complete breakdown. it wouldn’t have been sustainable for me.

i am going to start working for my previous supervisor in her group practice. we are doing a 50/50 split. meaning, i will make 75$ per client hour. i have the possibility of getting a full caseload of 25-30 clients a week. this means i can potentially make 90k a year at 30/31 years old.

I have some family members that may be willing to help me. i believe my grandfather will give me 10-20k to pay off my loan and give me a loan, where i’d have to pay him back at 2% interest instead of 9%. he mentioned this last week, but we haven’t discussed details of this actually happening. i do feel lucky i have a family member who is willing to lighten the load.

i also do not want to have children. I told myself that if I got into debt for an MA that it would replace having children. i also don’t want kids for other personal reasons such as cost of living, and the state of the world/ our country.

eventually, when i get licensed i plan to be in private practice. i am hoping to make around 150-200k a year in private practice in either LA or nyc.

To me, it makes sense to be on the RAP plan while i’m making less than 70k a year. once i start making more money, the IBR plan would be better. this way, as i get started in my career (i just graduated) i can have lower payments and waive the interest. once i make more around 100k than id switch to IBR. i understand this will lengthen the time i have to repay before forgiveness.

these are my current student loans:
70,149.84 in unsubsidized loans
128,357.59 in grad PLUS loans

i graduated last year with my MA in clinical psych, marriage and family therapy in CA. unfortunately, i am now in 197k debt of student loans (federal). yes, i know this is extremely high. i tried to be responsible by going to a lower cost tuition school over a program i actually wanted to go to that was 40/50k more expensive. i took out grad PLUS loans for two years to live (most of my debt with 9% interest). I worked two unpaid internships during grad school with school being full-time. please don’t have any negative comments about taking so many loans to life with GRAD plus loans. i truly was trying to be responsible. 1. going to a cheaper tuition program 2. only living on 48k a year which is nothing in Southern Ca. I know some people will say I should’ve worked too during this time, but i truly am the type of person to get very easily overwhelmed/stressed. I would not be able to do two internships and school full time plus a job without having a complete breakdown. it wouldn’t have been sustainable for me.

i am going to start working for my previous supervisor in her group practice. we are doing a 50/50 split. meaning, i will make 75$ per client hour. i have the possibility of getting a full caseload of 25-30 clients a week. this means i can potentially make 90k a year at 30/31 years old.

I have some family members that may be willing to help me. i believe my grandfather will give me 10-20k to pay off my loan and give me a loan, where i’d have to pay him back at 2% interest instead of 9%. he mentioned this last week, but we haven’t discussed details of this actually happening. i do feel lucky i have a family member who is willing to lighten the load.

i also do not want to have children. I told myself that if I got into debt for an MA that it would replace having children. i also don’t want kids for other personal reasons such as cost of living, and the state of the world/ our country.

eventually, when i get licensed i plan to be in private practice. i am hoping to make around 150-200k a year in private practice in either LA or nyc.

To me, it makes sense to be on the RAP plan while i’m making less than 70k a year. once i start making more money, the IBR plan would be better. this way, as i get started in my career (i just graduated) i can have lower payments and waive the interest. once i make more around 100k than id switch to IBR. i understand this will lengthen the time i have to repay before forgiveness.

these are my current student loans:
70,149.84 in unsubsidized loans
128,357.59 in grad PLUS loans

Is it true that the RAP plan waives the interest on your student loans IF the minimum payment does not cover it?

It feels too good to be true.

Why would people pick the IBR plan over the RAP plan if the RAP stops the interest from accruing?

i graduated last year with my MA in clinical psych, marriage and family therapy in CA. unfortunately, i am now in 197k debt of student loans (federal). yes, i know this is extremely high. i tried to be responsible by going to a lower cost tuition school over a program i actually wanted to go to that was 40/50k more expensive. i took out grad PLUS loans for two years to live (most of my debt with 9% interest). I worked two unpaid internships during grad school with school being full-time. please don’t have any negative comments about taking so many loans to life with GRAD plus loans. i truly was trying to be responsible. 1. going to a cheaper tuition program 2. only living on 48k a year which is nothing in Southern Ca. I know some people will say I should’ve worked too during this time, but i truly am the type of person to get very easily overwhelmed/stressed. I would not be able to do two internships and school full time plus a job without having a complete breakdown. it wouldn’t have been sustainable for me.
thank you

i am going to start working for my previous supervisor in her group practice. we are doing a 50/50 split. meaning, i will make 75$ per client hour. i have the possibility of getting a full caseload of 25-30 clients a week. this means i can potentially make 90k a year at 30/31 years old.

I have some family members that may be willing to help me. i believe my grandfather will give me 10-20k to pay off my loan and give me a loan, where i’d have to pay him back at 2% interest instead of 9%. he mentioned this last week, but we haven’t discussed details of this actually happening. i do feel lucky i have a family member who is willing to lighten the load.

i also do not want to have children. I told myself that if I got into debt for an MA that it would replace having children. i also don’t want kids for other personal reasons such as cost of living, and the state of the world/ our country.

eventually, when i get licensed i plan to be in private practice. i am hoping to make around 150-200k a year in private practice in either LA or NYC.

i am currently living with my parents.

i’m i totally screwed over how much debt i am in?

i graduated last year with my MA in clinical psych, marriage and family therapy in CA. unfortunately, i am now in 197k debt of student loans (federal). yes, i know this is extremely high. i tried to be responsible by going to a lower cost tuition school over a program i actually wanted to go to that was 40/50k more expensive. i took out grad PLUS loans for two years to live (most of my debt with 9% interest). I worked two unpaid internships during grad school with school being full-time. please don’t have any negative comments about taking so many loans to life with GRAD plus loans. i truly was trying to be responsible. 1. going to a cheaper tuition program 2. only living on 48k a year which is nothing in Southern Ca. I know some people will say I should’ve worked too during this time, but i truly am the type of person to get very easily overwhelmed/stressed. I would not be able to do two internships and school full time plus a job without having a complete breakdown. it wouldn’t have been sustainable for me.

i am going to start working for my previous supervisor in her group practice. we are doing a 50/50 split. meaning, i will make 75$ per client hour. i have the possibility of getting a full caseload of 25-30 clients a week. this means i can potentially make 90k a year at 30/31 years old.

I have some family members that may be willing to help me. i believe my grandfather will give me 10-20k to pay off my loan and give me a loan, where i’d have to pay him back at 2% interest instead of 9%. he mentioned this last week, but we haven’t discussed details of this actually happening. i do feel lucky i have a family member who is willing to lighten the load.

i also do not want to have children. I told myself that if I got into debt for an MA that it would replace having children. i also don’t want kids for other personal reasons such as cost of living, and the state of the world/ our country.

eventually, when i get licensed i plan to be in private practice. i am hoping to make around 150-200k a year in private practice in either LA or nyc.

i’m i totally screwed over how much debt i am in?

i graduated last year with my MA in clinical psych, marriage and family therapy in CA. unfortunately, i am now in 197k debt of student loans (federal). yes, i know this is extremely high. i tried to be responsible by going to a lower cost tuition school over a program i actually wanted to go to that was 40/50k more expensive. i took out grad PLUS loans for two years to live (most of my debt with 9% interest). I worked two unpaid internships during grad school with school being full-time. please don’t have any negative comments about taking so many loans to life with GRAD plus loans. i truly was trying to be responsible. 1. going to a cheaper tuition program 2. only living on 48k a year which is nothing in Southern Ca. I know some people will say I should’ve worked too during this time, but i truly am the type of person to get very easily overwhelmed/stressed. I would not be able to do two internships and school full time plus a job without having a complete breakdown. it wouldn’t have been sustainable for me.
thank you

i am going to start working for my previous supervisor in her group practice. we are doing a 50/50 split. meaning, i will make 75$ per client hour. i have the possibility of getting a full caseload of 25-30 clients a week. this means i can potentially make 90k a year at 30/31 years old.

I have some family members that may be willing to help me. i believe my grandfather will give me 10-20k to pay off my loan and give me a loan, where i’d have to pay him back at 2% interest instead of 9%. he mentioned this last week, but we haven’t discussed details of this actually happening. i do feel lucky i have a family member who is willing to lighten the load.

i also do not want to have children. I told myself that if I got into debt for an MA that it would replace having children. i also don’t want kids for other personal reasons such as cost of living, and the state of the world/ our country.

eventually, when i get licensed i plan to be in private practice. i am hoping to make around 150-200k a year in private practice in either LA or nyc.

i’m i totally screwed over how much debt i am in?

I am 30f. I have 2500 dollars I would like to put into a Roth IRA. I know very little about personal finance but I am trying to teach myself about Roth IRAs, high-yield savings, investing, etc.

I was told Fidelity has a good Roth IRA that has a pretty stable 10% interest on it.

Can someone give me advice on what to do?

If AI does take all of our jobs and we have universal basic income....what will happen to student loans? They are all cancelled, I guess. What is the timeline of this happening? I need my 197k in student loans gone.

Fifteen months ago, I met someone. I was in a time of my life where I was incredibly lonely and hated where I lived. We immediately clicked when we both admitted to each other on the first date we both hated the city we lived in and wanted to move after we both finished grad school (a year later). I felt very seen by this person and understood in a way I felt like I really needed. I was incredibly lonely, and just had a huge falling out with my best friend of ten years where I knew the relationship would most likely not recover.

The second or third time we hung out, he admitted he relapsed from being sober after almost four years (alcohol and cocaine) and was drinking and smoking weed. He told me he would get back on the wagon, since he was already sober for years. I believed him. I looked the other way, ignored the huge red flag, and kept dating him. Even when at this time, I knew how codependent I am on others.

Long story short, our relationship was never healthy. He continued to relapse again and again. I dragged him to rehab last September. He went to rehab again last December. I kept sticking with him because I didn't want to be the person who leaves someone when they are struggling and I loved him very much as a person. But during our whole relationship (April 2025- June 2026) we got into a toxic cycle of fighting and making up; as one could imagine a codependent and addict together would. I began to completely pour everything into him to try to make sure he was OK and physically safe. Even once I rushed over to his apartment to make sure he wasn't ODing when he wasn't returning my texts. I tried to tell him how great he is as a person, and how much I love and care for him. I think I thought subconsciously that if I loved him enough he would be ok and be sober and love me too. (I am SO codependent I know).

Anyways, in the last seven months, he broke up with me and said he couldn't date during his first year of sobriety. He went to a sober living house, only to leave about two months later and immediately relapse after 100+ days sober. Even though I wasn't technically his "girlfriend" in his eyes, we continued our relationship. We both didn't mean to but we were already deep in this cycle of getting sucked back together from both of our unhealed, toxic patterns. He would tell me he didn't love me anymore and I still stayed. He would tell me he loved me and be affectionate and warm, just to deny his feelings and diminish our connection a few days later. This happened repeatedly. His actions and words would never match up. He would say he didn't love me romantically anymore, only to act like he did and nothing changed. I don't know if it was to try and convince himself he wasn't following AA guidelines to not date, but overall I've seen his complete lack of ability to be honest with himself over his addiction and his feelings. (especially with me).

Again, he relapsed and was drinking heavily (he would buy a fifth of vodka and drink it straight at all hours of the day or night) and started doing cocaine again. One morning, at 7 am, I poured the vodka down the drain. He called me a "cunt" and "bitch". Another time he pretended to punch me multiple times in the stomach for making him wake up after sleeping literally all day to make him eat something.

He refused to stop going on Grindr. He said he wanted to be "selfish" and that he wanted to do whatever he wanted. He wanted me in his life without the responsibility for our relationship. I asked him to compromise on Grindr, slow down or come to some mutual decision that felt good for the both of us. He refused. I told him I no longer wanted to sleep with him if he was on Grindr. He didn't care. He chose Grindr over me. He said he was "happy with his sex life" and would continue using Grindr even if it meant not having intimacy with me. I feel totally devalued.

6 weeks ago, I finally snapped. My abandonment fears totally took control, and I was sobbing crying on the phone with him begging for him to come over. He said he wanted to celebrate with his friends (for graduating with his MA) even though I knew he would get more fucked up. I made him promise to come over after being with his friends, partying...even if it was in the middle of the night. He promised. He didn't come. I felt the very little trust I had left with him completely leave my body. I still rushed to his apartment to see if he was somewhat OK or even home, and we fell asleep together. In the morning, I wrote a note to him telling him I loved him but it wasn't enough and that I no longer feel safe or secure with him or trust him. I told him I was finally done. I left it on his desk while he was asleep. I cried and kissed his face/forehead goodbye. Later, he texted me saying he was going to get sober and wanted to spend the summer with me. I told him it was too late.

He has been in rehab again the past 6 weeks (three rehabs in less than 12 months). I know he doesn't have any emotional availability or capacity for me. I know he needs to focus on himself. I know we both need space. I know he can't give me any safety, security, or reciprocity I need and deserve. I know it's his disease, but I am resentful, angry, hurt.

I oscillate between being sad (for him, for me) and being angry. Angry for putting up with such chaos and toxicity for over a year. Angry for putting up with his continuous disrespect. Angry that he made me feel undervalued, under appreciated, unloved, not considered. Angry that I let someone treat me so badly and I still stayed. But mostly angry for trying so hard to make him feel loved and supported and what I got in return was being treated like trash.

edit: he also said VERBATIM, “I love you so much more than drugs ____ (my name), but drugs will always be first”. I finally needed to hear that.

Fifteen months ago, I met someone. I was in a time of my life where I was incredibly lonely and hated where I lived. We immediately clicked when we both admitted to each other on the first date we both hated the city we lived in and wanted to move after we both finished grad school (a year later). I felt very seen by this person and understood in a way I felt like I really needed. I was incredibly lonely, and just had a huge falling out with my best friend of ten years where I knew the relationship would most likely not recover.

The second or third time we hung out, he admitted he relapsed from being sober after almost four years (alcohol and cocaine) and was drinking and smoking weed. He told me he would get back on the wagon, since he was already sober for years. I believed him. I looked the other way, ignored the huge red flag, and kept dating him. Even when at this time, I knew how codependent I am on others.

Long story short, our relationship was never healthy. He continued to relapse again and again. I dragged him to rehab last September. He went to rehab again last December. I kept sticking with him because I didn't want to be the person who leaves someone when they are struggling and I loved him very much as a person. But during our whole relationship (April 2025- June 2026) we got into a toxic cycle of fighting and making up; as one could imagine a codependent and addict together would. I began to completely pour everything into him to try to make sure he was OK and physically safe. Even once I rushed over to his apartment to make sure he wasn't ODing when he wasn't returning my texts. I tried to tell him how great he is as a person, and how much I love and care for him. I think I thought subconsciously that if I loved him enough he would be ok and be sober and love me too. (I am SO codependent I know).

Anyways, in the last seven months, he broke up with me and said he couldn't date during his first year of sobriety. He went to a sober living house, only to leave about two months later and immediately relapse after 100+ days sober. Even though I wasn't technically his "girlfriend" in his eyes, we continued our relationship. We both didn't mean to but we were already deep in this cycle of getting sucked back together from both of our unhealed, toxic patterns. He would tell me he didn't love me anymore and I still stayed. He would tell me he loved me and be affectionate and warm, just to deny his feelings and diminish our connection a few days later. This happened repeatedly. His actions and words would never match up. He would say he didn't love me romantically anymore, only to act like he did and nothing changed. I don't know if it was to try and convince himself he wasn't following AA guidelines to not date, but overall I've seen his complete lack of ability to be honest with himself over his addiction and his feelings. (especially with me).

Again, he relapsed and was drinking heavily (he would buy a fifth of vodka and drink it straight at all hours of the day or night) and started doing cocaine again. One morning, at 7 am, I poured the vodka down the drain. He called me a "cunt" and "bitch". Another time he pretended to punch me multiple times in the stomach for making him wake up after sleeping literally all day to make him eat something.

He refused to stop going on Grindr. He said he wanted to be "selfish" and that he wanted to do whatever he wanted. He wanted me in his life without the responsibility for our relationship. I asked him to compromise on Grindr, slow down or come to some mutual decision that felt good for the both of us. He refused. I told him I no longer wanted to sleep with him if he was on Grindr. He didn't care. He chose Grindr over me. He said he was "happy with his sex life" and would continue using Grindr even if it meant not having intimacy with me. I feel totally devalued.

6 weeks ago, I finally snapped. My abandonment fears totally took control, and I was sobbing crying on the phone with him begging for him to come over. He said he wanted to celebrate with his friends (for graduating with his MA) even though I knew he would get more fucked up. I made him promise to come over after being with his friends, partying...even if it was in the middle of the night. He promised. He didn't come. I felt the very little trust I had left with him completely leave my body. I still rushed to his apartment to see if he was somewhat OK or even home, and we fell asleep together. In the morning, I wrote a note to him telling him I loved him but it wasn't enough and that I no longer feel safe or secure with him or trust him. I told him I was finally done. I left it on his desk while he was asleep. I cried and kissed his face/forehead goodbye. Later, he texted me saying he was going to get sober and wanted to spend the summer with me. I told him it was too late.

He has been in rehab again the past 6 weeks (three rehabs in less than 12 months). I know he doesn't have any emotional availability or capacity for me. I know he needs to focus on himself. I know we both need space. I know he can't give me any safety, security, or reciprocity I need and deserve. I know it's his disease, but I am resentful, angry, hurt.

I oscillate between being sad (for him, for me) and being angry. Angry for putting up with such chaos and toxicity for over a year. Angry for putting up with his continuous disrespect. Angry that he made me feel undervalued, under appreciated, unloved, not considered. Angry that I let someone treat me so badly and I still stayed. But mostly angry for trying so hard to make him feel loved and supported and what I got in return was being treated like trash.

Fifteen months ago, I met someone. I was in a time of my life where I was incredibly lonely and hated where I lived. We immediately clicked when we both admitted to each other on the first date we both hated the city we lived in and wanted to move after we both finished grad school (a year later). I felt very seen by this person and understood in a way I felt like I really needed. I was incredibly lonely, and just had a huge falling out with my best friend of ten years where I knew the relationship would most likely not recover.

The second or third time we hung out, he admitted he relapsed from being sober after almost four years (alcohol and cocaine) and was drinking and smoking weed. He told me he would get back on the wagon, since he was already sober for years. I believed him. I looked the other way, ignored the huge red flag, and kept dating him. Even when at this time, I knew how codependent I am on others.

Long story short, our relationship was never healthy. He continued to relapse again and again. I dragged him to rehab last September. He went to rehab again last December. I kept sticking with him because I didn't want to be the person who leaves someone when they are struggling and I loved him very much as a person. But during our whole relationship (April 2025- June 2026) we got into a toxic cycle of fighting and making up; as one could imagine a codependent and addict together would. I began to completely pour everything into him to try to make sure he was OK and physically safe. Even once I rushed over to his apartment to make sure he wasn't ODing when he wasn't returning my texts. I tried to tell him how great he is as a person, and how much I love and care for him. I think I thought subconsciously that if I loved him enough he would be ok and be sober and love me too. (I am SO codependent I know).

Anyways, in the last seven months, he broke up with me and said he couldn't date during his first year of sobriety. He went to a sober living house, only to leave about two months later and immediately relapse after 100+ days sober. Even though I wasn't technically his "girlfriend" in his eyes, we continued our relationship. We both didn't mean to but we were already deep in this cycle of getting sucked back together from both of our unhealed, toxic patterns. He would tell me he didn't love me anymore and I still stayed. He would tell me he loved me and be affectionate and warm, just to deny his feelings and diminish our connection a few days later. This happened repeatedly. His actions and words would never match up. He would say he didn't love me romantically anymore, only to act like he did and nothing changed. I don't know if it was to try and convince himself he wasn't following AA guidelines to not date, but overall I've seen his complete lack of ability to be honest with himself over his addiction and his feelings. (especially with me).

Again, he relapsed and was drinking heavily (he would buy a fifth of vodka and drink it straight at all hours of the day or night) and started doing cocaine again. One morning, at 7 am, I poured the vodka down the drain. He called me a "cunt" and "bitch". Another time he pretended to punch me multiple times in the stomach for making him wake up after sleeping literally all day to make him eat something.

He refused to stop going on Grindr. He said he wanted to be "selfish" and that he wanted to do whatever he wanted. He wanted me in his life without the responsibility for our relationship. I asked him to compromise on Grindr, slow down or come to some mutual decision that felt good for the both of us. He refused. I told him I no longer wanted to sleep with him if he was on Grindr. He didn't care. He chose Grindr over me. He said he was "happy with his sex life" and would continue using Grindr even if it meant not having intimacy with me. I feel totally devalued.

6 weeks ago, I finally snapped. My abandonment fears totally took control, and I was sobbing crying on the phone with him begging for him to come over. He said he wanted to celebrate with his friends (for graduating with his MA) even though I knew he would get more fucked up. I made him promise to come over after being with his friends, partying...even if it was in the middle of the night. He promised. He didn't come. I felt the very little trust I had left with him completely leave my body. I still rushed to his apartment to see if he was somewhat OK or even home, and we fell asleep together. In the morning, I wrote a note to him telling him I loved him but it wasn't enough and that I no longer feel safe or secure with him or trust him. I told him I was finally done. I left it on his desk while he was asleep. I cried and kissed his face/forehead goodbye. Later, he texted me saying he was going to get sober and wanted to spend the summer with me. I told him it was too late.

He has been in rehab again the past 6 weeks (three rehabs in less than 12 months). I know he doesn't have any emotional availability or capacity for me. I know he needs to focus on himself. I know we both need space. I know he can't give me any safety, security, or reciprocity I need and deserve. I know it's his disease, but I am resentful, angry, hurt.

I oscillate between being sad (for him, for me) and being angry. Angry for putting up with such chaos and toxicity for over a year. Angry for putting up with his continuous disrespect. Angry that he made me feel undervalued, under appreciated, unloved, not considered. Angry that I let someone treat me so badly and I still stayed. But mostly angry for trying so hard to make him feel loved and supported and what I got in return was being treated like trash.

I did EMDR today and felt nauseous/ physically uneasy during the session. I felt the feeling of disgust come up...and I have no idea why. I felt a pit in my abdomen and it felt like toxic waste coming out...something disgusting. It wasn't overwhelming though. I flipped between sadness and anger.

I have to admit I watch her videos off/on for the last few years. She has admitted to having narcissistic traits or NPD. I just watched her latest video on Ariana Grande and there's a very quick part in the video where she says she very rarely regrets her decisions because "I'm a socio"....Any chance she's a diagnosed female sociopath? The lack of empathy or compassion for people def make her seem like she has NPD or ASPD ...Thoughts? Her saying she's a "socio" under her breath kinda freaked me out.

This is my first time watching the show. I am on Season 3 Episode 2. So far I absolutely love the show and have been binge-watching it. However, right now, I am a bit confused...

Lawerence helped Emily and tried to help June. He is passive when letting the Martha's gather in his house to plot. So far, he refuses to do the Ceremony with June...I assumed because he knows it's SA and does not agree with it. However, he has moments towards June where he is cold and/or angry....I am not understanding if this guy is bad or not. Why would he help Emily and Baby Nichole/Holly ? Why didn't he do the Ceremony with June when he still is a Commander and lives in Gilead? That showed some mercy and empathy towards her....but then he snaps on her?