u/Complete_Mine5530

I’m visiting my long-distance girlfriend for the first time in six months. We’ve been together for almost a year, and during previous visits she has been incredibly understanding about my inability to have sex because of both pain and the trauma from my last relationship. I just wasn’t physically or emotionally ready.

I’ve now been on Benlysta for a while, and taking a muscle relaxer at night has helped me sleep better and reduced my morning stiffness. Between the decrease in pain, getting proper rest, and finally feeling emotionally ready, I feel like I’m in a place where I actually want to have sex.

Since we started dating, I was also diagnosed with hidradenitis suppurativa. Unfortunately, I triggered a mild flare on my pubic mound by shaving the other day because, for the first time in years, I wanted to feel sexy. It’s only a couple of small bumps under the skin, nothing open or infected, but it has really shaken my confidence.

I had worked so hard to accept my body, including the stretch marks, the scars from lupus, past dermatillomania flares, the injection marks, the weight gain from medications, and everything else. Having something new appear the day before I leave has left me feeling rattled.

I guess what I’m hoping to hear are stories from people who have fulfilling sex lives while living with lupus, or from those whose partners genuinely don’t care about the scars and changes our bodies go through because of chronic illness.

My girlfriend treats me like a goddess and she says she won’t care, but I think we all know we can get in our heads anyways.

I worked hard to fade my scars with treatments, lost 10 pounds, and finally got myself to a place of cautious confidence. Now it feels like that confidence has been knocked down all over again.

Lesbian relationship if this makes any difference in your answer

I have a very mild flare, under skin not open on my pubis mound.

I shaved recently and albeit stupidly…but I’m seeing my long distance girlfriend for the first time in 6 months and I wanted to feel sexy (dumb)

This is the first time I’ve shaved in almost a year.

It isn’t very bad, under the skin I do have a LITTLE razor burn but the actual HS spots don’t hurt at all.

How risky is it to have sex? Like if we’re rolling around,sweaty etc will that make it worse? Will it hurt

I’ve never actually had sex since being diagnosed and certainly have never had sex with any kind of flare.

I have lupus, been on Benlysta for almost a year now and am finally feeling well enough joint wise to have sex again. My girlfriend very nicely has waited due to my joint pain, so this would be our first time and I just don’t want her to be grossed out, I don’t wanna risk making them worse etc

Have any of you used this for your bikini area? Did it make things worse than shaving?

Ones like Heidi and stuff when she’s a little older are fine

But I remember Curly Top being one of my favorites as a kid (I love Animal Crackers and I Grow Up song) They show her dancing with no top on, they have Shirley asking a grown man to marry her, they have footage of her with a wedgie on the beach zoomed in on her butt. They have Shirley straddle the man and sit on his groin area and bounce while he’s in bed.

What the hell?!? I remember these movies being so wholesome as a kid. I knew she suffered abuse off camera but I just don’t remember the actual movies being so bad.

Only one I found appropriate was Heidi and The Little Princess.

It’s sad because I don’t necessarily want Shirley’s talents to be forgotten, but the exploitation of this child is horrific. I fast forwarded through some of the films and shut one of them off when she had several men holding her up with their hands up her dress 🤮

I’m glad we were the last generation these films were marketed too. Definitely not wholesome.

I have recently decided to not have children, despite wanting them so deeply. I am a lesbian, so having a child naturally isn’t possible.

My current partner doesn’t want children. At first, I thought it may be a deal breaker once she told me. However the more I thought about it, the more I realized that…I don’t think I could do it anyways. It’s a nice dream…but it’s a dream.

As much as I love children, the meds I’m on can cause major birth defects and with all my health issues, fostering and adopting very likely isn’t an option for me.

I help take care of my nieces every summer and as much as I love it…it’s hard. I barely can take care of my self full time. How can I know I can give the love,attention and time my child would deserve?

My mom was very anemic for around year when I was a child. She slept constantly, didn’t feel good and just wasn’t able to be fully present for me. It stuck out in my memories because I missed my mom. She was there, but she wasn’t. Somedays with my lupus, that’s how I am.

I know if I had a child, I’d push myself. I’d do anything I possibly could to be present and available for them, just like I do in the summer with my nieces (which takes me a month to recover from).

Maybe it’s selfish, but I don’t want to essentially slowly put myself in an early grave by pushing my body past its limits to ensure my children’s happiness. I also don’t want to be a mom unless I can be the best mom I could be, and I know I won’t be able to.

My nieces have learned how I am, they understand my need for extra rest and such but even then it’s still hard and I still push myself even when I know they wouldn’t want me too. My niece once told me she felt guilty when I was in pain after a day out…I don’t want my child growing up with any guilt like that.

I don’t know I’m mostly just venting because it’s still hard for me to sit with this decision. Unless something happened to my nieces families and I had to take them, I’m pretty confident in this decision even though it hurts.

I have recently decided to not have children, despite wanting them so deeply. I am a lesbian, so having a child naturally isn’t possible.

My current partner doesn’t want children. At first, I thought it may be a deal breaker once she told me. However the more I thought about it, the more I realized that…I don’t think I could do it anyways. It’s a nice dream…but it’s a dream.

As much as I love children, the meds I’m on can cause major birth defects and with all my health issues, fostering and adopting very likely isn’t an option for me.

I help take care of my nieces every summer and as much as I love it…it’s hard. I barely can take care of my self full time. How can I know I can give the love,attention and time my child would deserve?

My mom was very anemic for around year when I was a child. She slept constantly, didn’t feel good and just wasn’t able to be fully present for me. It stuck out in my memories because I missed my mom. She was there, but she wasn’t. Somedays with my lupus, that’s how I am.

I know if I had a child, I’d push myself. I’d do anything I possibly could to be present and available for them, just like I do in the summer with my nieces (which takes me a month to recover from).

Maybe it’s selfish, but I don’t want to essentially slowly put myself in an early grave by pushing my body past its limits to ensure my children’s happiness. I also don’t want to be a mom unless I can be the best mom I could be, and I know I won’t be able to.

My nieces have learned how I am, they understand my need for extra rest and such but even then it’s still hard and I still push myself even when I know they wouldn’t want me too. My niece once told me she felt guilty when I was in pain after a day out…I don’t want my child growing up with any guilt like that.

I don’t know I’m mostly just venting because it’s still hard for me to sit with this decision. Unless something happened to my nieces families and I had to take them, I’m pretty confident in this decision even though it hurts.

I can’t make any transfers or pay on my credit card. Since yesterday night.

“Thinking on my feet, now there’s tears in my brain”

Or is she saying something else and I’ve misunderstood all these years?

I was just talking to someone about how I used to tell my ex she had to moisturize if she was going to hold my hand or finger me.

I have sensory issues, I can’t hold your hand if it feels like sand paper and skins coming off.

She worked in a daycare so obviously had to wash her hands a lot so to an extent it wasn’t her fault but also…I don’t know how she could stand it!

I offered alternatives of pinky holding or arm linking, but I couldn’t hold their hand when it was that flaky.

I also was NOT have rough hands like that with flaky skin on or IN my vagina.

She got in the habit of putting lotion on and her hands were fine except in the winter, we’d just not have sex much then or she’d use a finger condom.

Well someone told me it wasn’t my body and why did I care if she moisturized or not and it was wrong of me to force her to moisturize.

My current girlfriend has never had sex with anyone and she’s also hasn’t really “seen” much sex. So she also has no idea what her turn ons our etc

I’m 30 and she’s 29, I’m her first real girlfriend.

I’m…kinky to say the least and I of course will be fine having just vanilla sex at first because I usually do that with my partners anyways.

But I’m almost like “I don’t wanna scare this girl” down the line cause like even lesser experienced people I’ve been with before at minimum have read smut or watched porn or something in that realm and they KNOW a lot even if they haven’t done it themselves.

I also used to be a bit of a pillow princess my last relationship (ex was almost exclusively stone top) so I don’t have as much experience topping and I imagine I’ll probably be doing more of that with this relationship. So I’m worried I’ll be rusty.

Anyways I guess I’m just asking for advice from people who’ve maybe been in a similar situation. Sexual compatibility long term is important to me and I usually ask if the things I like are something that would interest a partner…this girl just doesn’t know!

I think I’ve fallen in love again but it feels so different than the last time I fell in love.

The last time it was passionate, raw and emotional.

This time it feels more casual, calm, safe and warm.

I am starting to question if every time you fall in love, is it different?

I have cysts on my vagina from HS so I can barely walk, my hands are swollen, feels like razors when I step on my feet. Every joint down to my jaw is aching.

I’ve taken my max prescribed pain meds and supplemented Tylenol on top like I was told to do when it got severe and it’s barely touching it.

I can’t sleep, I cant even stretch which usually helps because too much movement and the cysts on my vagina hurt.

I got out of an abusive relationship and 8 months of court and harassment, I’m in a relationship but it’s long distance and I barely get to see her. Even if I could see her right now, can’t have sex. Sex is painful both physically and emotionally thanks to my ex and lupus.

Only thing that makes me kinda happy is my cat.

Everything I wanted for my life seems to slowly disintegrate in front of my eyes. Nothings going the way I planned. I won’t even get the standard “married and have kids” cause I can’t give birth and no adoption agency would allow me to adopt in my condition and my current partner doesn’t want to give birth. I also don’t want to be a parent if I can’t be the parent I want to be and lupus is stopping me from that.

The stress has made everything worse. My blood pressures always high, my bodies always in pain. I can’t work enough to survive on my own and I was denied disability indefinitely after 7 years of trying so I started to try to work but I can’t do enough to survive.

I’m taking Benlysta and everyone told me it would do amazing things for me but I’m not seeing anything amazing so far.

After 8 months of fighting her in court and keeping quiet, only showing evidence to those who needed it and still her case getting dismissed JUST because she took a class that told her she shouldn’t beat people up…the next day she’s already making posts about me on Tik Tok and smearing me even more than she did before

At first, I was like “Oh I’m gonna drop my proof” but I’ve decided to keep my peace…for now. I’m just gonna keep letting her tell lies and someday, if she takes it too far or interferes with my life personally or my business. I will have all of her lies cross referenced with hard cold proof and facts.

I’m gonna let her dig her hole deeper and deeper and deeper and deeper. While she does, I’m going to work on healing and living my best life and if she decides to do ANYTHING to disturb that…I’m dropping it.

I think she genuinely thinks I only have the proof from the last incident that made me leave and that’s why she had to sign the plea deal because she used to clear my phone, delete texts, calls and any photos or videos I had that didn’t make her look good. But what she doesn’t know is I started sending them immediately to a dummy email and saving them in unmarked folders deep in my files. Bruises, scratches, audio of her saying she can do whatever she wants to me and nobody will believe me, screaming at me because birds chirped in the morning, her threatening to throw glass at our cat.

I also have dated diary entries and a suicide note I started to write 4 years ago (my cat came over to me and flipped on my lap…and I thank her everyday for doing that)

This was a lesbian relationship by the way.

This is a lesbian relationship by the way

My ex broke her plea deal. We were both supposed to be in court today but she didn’t show up. I was told we were moving forward anyways and she’d appear via zoom.

I was given the option to approve a new plea, I agreed as long as no matter what her charges would stick. I’ve been smeared online and harassed for about 8 months and I wanted to ensure I could have those charges to protect myself from defamation.

I was told originally that because of this no matter if she took the plea for an extra year probation or decided to have a hearing and get 30 days, her charges would stick.

When the judge asked her if she plead guilty and that she understood she said she didn’t understand. So she went and talked to her lawyer in the hall on FaceTime.

All the sudden I’m being pulled into a room by a brand new advocate who doesn’t know my case, being yelled at, told it was my own fault for not getting a new phone number and I shouldn’t have social media. No matter what I said I was dismissed. I had a hand put in my face.

I was then told the complete opposite that no matter what I did her charges would be dismissed and she could be expunged.

I flew 500 miles and spent almost $1k to be here today and I wasn’t willing to put myself through it again if the charges weren’t even going to stick and after being yelled at and lectured for 20 minutes I gave in.

It just sucks because I feel like this new advocate took whatever my exes lawyer said more seriously than what I said because she got to talk to him before I did and she said my ex claimed to only call me once (still against her plea) and that I doxxed my ex by calling the police and asking if I should call in a wellness check the time she threatened to kill herself. I legit ASKED the police and it was used against me and isn’t even doxxing?

I was made to look like I was being petty for even showing up. The advocate said “you flew out here for nothing, what has this done for you?”

I WAS SUBPOENAED AND TOLD TO BE HERE. He knew nothing about this case.

Not to mention in the hallway with my original advocate her lawyer admitted to knowing my exes voice and agreed she’d called me several times. Then goes and says she only called once when the person who didn’t know my case showed up.

I just was already at my wits end, I have lupus, my blood pressure gets near stroke level when my ex harasses me, my heart has gotten worse due to the stress (already was on heart meds) and I was basically blamed for my own harassment.

Just a vent I guess. All I wanted was to be protected. Didn’t even care if she went to jail.