u/ConfusedandLostW

Important background information: My parents should not have ever gotten together, let alone had a kid together. My mom knew that my dad had used hard drugs and was basically not that great of a candidate for a dad. From what she’s said, it sounds like she just decided to have a kid last minute and hurried into it with him.

I now believe (and know firsthand) that that is one of the absolute worst decisions a woman can ever make for her kid. It’s better to never have any children at all than to do that.

She’s said she wasn’t in love with him at any point and just “settled” for him. She has told me how she was miserable with him for years, settled, and how they should’ve divorced a few years in and shouldn’t have gotten married. She’s said that she only stayed for me from the time I was maybe 7 years old onward, but him and I weren’t close once I got a few years into my teens, and she continued to stay then. I will acknowledge that some of that is due to some health issues she has, but I have noticed that it seems like she attributes or blames a lot of the choices she made to me (like, “I only stayed for you”).

She stayed throughout my teens, and then decided to leave because she couldn’t stand him anymore. I also didn’t want to live with him anymore.

We haven’t lived him for over a couple of years now, but unfortunately this person still makes our lives worse.

To me, I feel like it should be her dealing with the negative effects of having chosen him. But it seems like I’m the one paying the price for it.

She still talks about him and how she was miserable with him for all those years. I don’t know what she even wants me to say. It’s ironic that she talks about that over and over when she doesn’t like when I say the same thing over and over.

I didn’t think I’d be a depressed emotional support servant for her in my early twenties. I feel like she doesn’t want to talk about my life because it’s depressing (which it is; my life is extremely depressing), yet she wants me to listen to her talk about her depressing life that she chose.

I didn’t get to choose any of my life. It’s just been a series of shitty events, year after year after year. It seems to never get better. I have shit genes which have caused me to have arthritis in my twenties. I was severely depressed for at least 8 or 9 years before I developed chronic pain years ago. I’m now so depressed I struggle to shower.

To make everything worse, she brought up moving to a better area that has great public transit and a lot more things to do. But of course, like my life always goes, as soon as there’s the hope of something better, it’s always stolen away. She’s decided she wants to move to a small town that has less than 10,000 people and not a lot of things to do.

Are people like me just destined to have miserable lives because of the choices of our parents? I feel doomed. I feel alone. I feel like I’m just destined to be miserable for the rest of my life because I’m trapped somewhere I hate living, I have no way out, I have no social support, and like usual, nothing works in my favor.

Is she being unreasonable? Am I being unreasonable? Can having a narcissistic parent ruin your life?

I hate how having a parent who is a narc means that whereas other people who are fortunate to have 2 healthy parents get to have 2 people helping them, when you have a parent who is a narc you have a parent who doesn’t care if they cause you problems and make your life harder. I lost insurance coverage because of my narc parent losing their lucrative job for a stupid reason (their behavior in the workplace).

I also hate how having one parent who is a narc affects your relationship with the OTHER parent who isn’t a narc. Have any of you noticed this?

There have been so many times I’ve listened to my parent go on and on about how she was miserable for so many years when she CHOSE to stay with him, how he was, etc, etc.

I’m not trying to sound like a harsh bitch, but . . . I feel like parents choose their suffering. I didn’t choose my shit circumstances, but they’ve probably ruined my life anyway because I’m trapped somewhere I hate living and my narc parent doesn’t care if they cause me problems, including financial hardship or stress, they only care about themselves. Selfish f.

It’s upsetting to me how life ruining my circumstances feel. No social support, no friends, no partner, nothing to look forward to, hate where I live but I’m trapped there and probably will be for years, and on top of having chronic pain and health issues (I have an autoimmune condition), I’m connected to someone I didn’t chose to be connected to who doesn’t care if they cause me problems.

I wish my life wasn’t trashed from the time I became a young adult. I’m not even 25 but I feel no hope about my future and I don’t know the last time I was happy.

To any woman reading this, please don’t hurry into having a child. Please know the person you choose to have a child with. Please make a sincere attempt to know a man before you get pregnant and give birth to his child. You can get divorced, break up, or move houses. Once you have had a child with someone, you are tied to them forever. Plus, as parents usually say, it’s not just about you anymore when you choose to have a child. If you hurry into having a child recklessly, all that will happen is that you will be more likely to pick a crappy partner who will be an even shittier parent. Ask me how I know. Your child will have to endure having a shit parent because you didn’t choose to have them with someone else OR to not have them at all.

I wish I didn’t feel so hopeless about my life but I’ve wondered if this is normal for people like me

My life has always been messed up. Depression starting as a kid, never having friends, having a parent who didn’t care, developing health problems, basically my life is just a depressing trainwreck I’ve given up on fixing

I want to know if this is how most autistic women feel about their lives. I wish I felt hopeful about my future but I don’t. I feel depressed and hopeless. I struggle to shower. I used to everyday but now I can’t even manage every 3 days. I feel like crying everyday.

I’ve hated my life for years but can’t change it. Is this just how life has to be this for us?

To make things worse I’m trapped in a rural red state and my parent is unwilling to consider moving to what could be a better area (within my state and not that far away)

I’ve also noticed that I have started to feel very dark ways about myself and how life is to me, my life/my future, etc.

Do any of you guys feel like you can’t expect any good things in your life, like you can count on the problems and pain always being there, or like you can’t have any expectations in your life because everything feels unachievable?

I feel like I’ve become more depressed than I ever because I know my life probably can’t and won’t change. I’m so worn down from having chronic pain I developed at the worst time. My brain and body just seemed to have totally failed me. I don’t like my body at all

How do you maintain hope when you feel so depressed and miserable and just want to escape your life?

I acknowledge choices people make can affect where they end up in life, but it seems like a lot of people view where people end up in life and how their lives go as entirely their own doing. I don’t agree with that.

Maybe I’m misunderstanding the line of thinking, but some people seem to think like this: Every person has the same starting point and is responsible for where they end up in life. This is true no matter what their genes are, no matter where they’re born, who their parents are, whether they’re in great health or not, etc.

I can’t understand how people actually think this. How do they think people have the same starting point? How do they think it’s all on the person how their life goes?

Do people think that some people don’t have a ton of advantages/luck? Do they feel like no matter what circumstances fuck up someone’s life, they should be able to endure and survive it all for years or decades, come out of it OK, and be able to function just fine??

I’m being serious when I say I can’t understand how someone could think that. I see how different my life has been from almost everyone else my age and I never wanted it to be this way. It’s like my life is total shit because of things outside of my control.

Why do people think this way? What do they think someone is supposed to do when their life is a combination of different shitty circumstances, like mine?

I’m not talking about PTSD or having flashbacks to trauma. I’m talking about a person, say if they are autistic, being born and at first being a happy child, but then going through things in their life that damage them?

What happens if a child never makes any friends, is socially isolated, develops mental health problems at a young age, lacks familial support, has one parent who is toxic, and then develops chronic pain and becomes essentially disabled and unable to work due to it in their teens? What occurs psychologically?

I’m not in a good place right now and I ask because I’ve started feeling like I never developed a sense of self if that makes sense. I never was able to develop normally because by the time I was a teen I was depressed. I feel like my life itself seems to have destroyed my ability to function. I just need help . . . I need to know what damage having a painful life for many years starting in childhood does to a person

I have ADHD and depression. These 2 conditions seem to have ruined my life, but my life has never been good or a normal life. I’ve never had any friends and I’ve also lacked support from family. I have no other family than one parent at this point in my life. I have no one other than the parent I live with.

I was never able to made friends and was excluded and not liked from a young age. I mention this because I think this was what lead me to become depressed. My mom has said I started to seem down and like I was developing a mild case of depression at age 7. By the time I was 10, it was clear I had depression. I was put on a low dose of an antidepressant for it.

I have had what I guess is sexual dysfunction for years. I have no sexual function. I don’t feel sexual pleasure from stimulation and have never finished. It hurts being a woman who is so broken and messed up like this.

I don’t know or understand what my life has done to me psychologically. I’m in my early twenties and my depression was severe by around age 12 so I’ve had severe depression for about a decade now. Basically my life has been a painful trainwreck since I was a young child.

I feel confused about why my life has to be this way. I feel like I wasn’t meant to exist in this world. I don’t function well of have much functioning at all. I’ve had to make myself eat lately. It takes so much effort for me to do small things. I’ve been struggling to shower lately. I never want to do anything. I’m already on antidepressant; this is just how I am on an antidepressant.

Off of antidepressants I can’t function at all and cry a lot (feel hopeless and despondent). I feel so broken as a person. Both my brain and bodies are such failures.

I don’t know what to do anymore. I struggle so much just to shower. I haven’t bathed in 4 days because of this. I wish I didn’t have to struggle to take care of myself.

I also have chronic pain because of developing health issues at a young age. I struggle to see the point in anything anymore. Sometimes I don’t feel like doing anything . . . I want to do nothing. It’s like I have no hopes, no dreams, . . . I just want to lay in bed and not have to get up. Sometimes I feel emotionally numb, but other times I’ve cried and screamed because I hurt and it hurts to hate my life so much and know that I have no way out.

I don’t know how to get out of this. My therapist knows I’m depressed, but I feel like something has changed with my mental health. I’m less hopeful. My life feels hopeless. I feel a sense that I’m losing years I’ll never get back but I know there’s no way for me to force my life to change, so I feel no motivation to do anything.

I don’t know if what I said in this post makes sense. I just feel like I’m in a dark place and spiraling. I don’t know why I can’t be mentally well. I don’t know why I can’t be like normal people who are socially accepted and liked and have support and aren’t crying almost everyday and struggling just to shower. I hate my life. I hate myself. I hate who I’ve become.

I feel a deep sense of loss and pain because I feel like I shouldn’t be living the life I’m trapped in. I feel like I should be somewhere else.

I feel like I never became who I should’ve been. I feel like I’ve become a shell of whoever I should’ve become over the last 10 to 15 years of my life. It makes me sad. It’s like I never really developed an identity and became who I was meant to be because I was buried under so many problems ever since I was a child.

I’m sorry if this didn’t make sense I’m just in a dark place

I guess I’m posting here looking for advice on how to move and if it’s possible to move when you’re considered disabled and don’t have a job (for example, someone on SSI, SSDI, etc.)

Has anyone here found a way to move by meeting someone online, getting to know them (meeting them in person before a move ofc), and then making the move? If you have, how did it go, and how did you go about it? Do you have any tips for someone in a similar situation?

I don’t know if I’ll be able to move and if I am able to, when it will occur. But I haven’t wanted to live where I’ve been living for years and I can tell that’s not going to change, so I’ve been thinking about a potential move in the future even though I don’t have a plan for how to do it right now.

How much money would you recommend someone have saved up before they move out? I’ve heard people say to save an emergency fund of a thousand dollars, but I’ve also heard that it’s a good idea to save up more than that. One source I looked at said you should try to save up 5k or more before moving to cover expenses relating to moving and any unexpected bills that come up.

Advice is appreciated. I’m not sure what I’m going to do

I have depression that I’ve had for a very long time, anxiety, and ADHD. I’m autistic but not diagnosed. My entire life has been fucked up basically. I wish I felt like I could amount to something in life but I feel crushed under my life circumstances.

I developed chronic pain around four and a half years ago. I have developed what my rheumatologist thinks is psoriatic arthritis. This has caused is issues with my skin. I don’t know if this is what caused my pain or if that’s from the spondylitis, but I’ve had chronic pain for years that is mainly in my back but has sometimes affected my neck, too. Basically I’m not even 25 years old but I have the body of a 65 or 75 year old back pain wise. I just have horrible genes. Also, my parents should’ve never been together, so I really shouldn’t exist at all.

My life is fundamentally different from other young adults my age. I don’t work due to the health problems. I live with one of my parents. I’m in pain everyday. I have never had friends. I haven’t dated.

That leads me to the next part of my post. My body is totally f-ed up. For some reason, my body has no ability to sexually function. My body is broken. It feels horrible knowing that even my body itself is non functional. I don’t have a functional body or brain . . . it’s like everything about is dysfunctional, messed up, or non functional. I don’t know why I have to be this way.

I feel sad that I can’t relate to other women’s experiences and I can’t access the lives other people easily are able to. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I just feel broken. I feel like my life is already over and like it ended before it was able to start.

It makes me sad to think that I may never have friends but on top of that I will probably never be able to have a relationship. It’s not normal to be so unliked and unacceptable that you can’t have any social relationships outside of a biological parent.

I feel like I have to accept that I can’t have a normal life but I don’t know how to. I have one narc parent. Even if someone can live with their parents indefinitely, I don’t want to have to do that. Even if I did want to do, I’m aware that nobody lives forever. I need to be able to make income, support myself, and have some degree of independence but I don’t know what I’m going to do.

It just makes me sad that I don’t want to live my life anymore. My life feels like an unfixable trainwreck. I don’t see myself as salvageable. My body is ruined. My brain was fucked up at birth and has probably only gotten more fucked up from having severe depression from age 10 or so onward. I just wish I had lived a different live or had never been born.

What does it mean if someone feels like they don’t want to live their life? Like they just want to block it out and get away from their life to escape it?

I know that people store fat differently, but I have questions about where women lose fat first.

If a woman wants to lose fat in her abdomen, what is the best way to effectively do this? Do you need to do anything differently as opposed to losing body fat in general?

How do women have flat stomachs and no “rolls” of fat when bending down? Do they eat a certain diet, walk 5 miles a day, or something else?

I’m at what is considered a healthy weight but I still feel too large and want to lose some fat.

Thanks for any advice/help on this; I’ve wondered if losing fat from the abdominal area and thighs requires eating a certain way, doing certain exercises, or both.

I’m a little over 5 feet tall and I don’t like how my body is

I have depression that I’ve had for a very long time, anxiety, and ADHD. I’m autistic but not diagnosed. My entire life has been fucked up basically. I wish I felt like I could amount to something in life but I feel crushed under my life circumstances.

I developed chronic pain around four and a half years ago. I have developed what my rheumatologist thinks is psoriatic arthritis. This has caused is issues with my skin. I don’t know if this is what caused my pain or if that’s from the spondylitis, but I’ve had chronic pain for years that is mainly in my back but has sometimes affected my neck, too. Basically I’m not even 25 years old but I have the body of a 65 or 75 year old back pain wise. I just have horrible genes. Also, my parents should’ve never been together, so I really shouldn’t exist at all.

My life is fundamentally different from other young adults my age. I don’t work due to the health problems. I live with one of my parents. I’m in pain everyday. I have never had friends. I haven’t dated.

That leads me to the next part of my post. My body is totally f-ed up. For some reason, my body has no ability to sexually function. My body is broken. It feels horrible knowing that even my body itself is non functional. I don’t have a functional body or brain . . . it’s like everything about is dysfunctional, messed up, or non functional. I don’t know why I have to be this way.

I feel sad that I can’t relate to other women’s experiences and I can’t access the lives other people easily are able to. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I just feel broken. I feel like my life is already over and like it ended before it was able to start.

It makes me sad to think that I may never have friends but on top of that I will probably never be able to have a relationship. It’s not normal to be so unliked and unacceptable that you can’t have any social relationships outside of a biological parent.

I feel like I have to accept that I can’t have a normal life but I don’t know how to. I have one narc parent. Even if someone can live with their parents indefinitely, I don’t want to have to do that. Even if I did want to do, I’m aware that nobody lives forever. I need to be able to make income, support myself, and have some degree of independence but I don’t know what I’m going to do.

It just makes me sad that I don’t want to live my life anymore. My life feels like an unfixable trainwreck. I don’t see myself as salvageable. My body is ruined. My brain was fucked up at birth and has probably only gotten more fucked up from having severe depression from age 10 or so onward. I just wish I had lived a different live or had never been born.

What does it mean if someone feels like they don’t want to live their life? Like they just want to block it out and get away from their life to escape it?

I have a therapist. I think they don’t know what to do or say to help me. I’m just that messed up. I’m a defective, broken human being who can’t even function anymore.

I feel like I’m broken. I’m mentally broken. I don’t function at all anymore.

I’m someone who has never been a functional or normal human being. I’m convinced there’s something wrong with my brain. I started developing depression as a very young child and my life has been downhill ever since I was a young child.

I’m drowning in depression and pain. I’ve been crying/sobbing on a daily basis. My eyes are bloodshot and hurt.

A mixture of depression, chronic pain, having no friends and social support, and having the broken, horrible brain I have has ruined my life. I think my life was a setup for disaster and problems from the start. I wish I’d never been born.

For context, this is what I mean when I say I can’t function: I struggle to bathe and have been showering every few days. I’ve been crying everyday. I have to make myself eat.

I’m at a loss. I can’t continue to exist and function like this. People don’t realize that they just make things worse by saying things like “you’re stronger than what you know.” I don’t care. I’v endured a lifetime of pain and problems. Strength doesn’t matter. I don’t want life anymore.

My life is ruined. I feel like being autistic has ruined my life. I hate my life and myself and my body. I just don’t feel like I can have a life. I’m not able to have a life like other people. My body isn’t like other people or other women’s. My own parent doesn’t care if they cause me problems.

Why are some people born just to experience problems and suffering? I’ve never had friends or support. I want out of my life. I cry everyday lately. I’m miserable but I can’t fix my life.

I just want to escape my life. How do you reduce or numb the pain of having a hopeless and unhappy, painful life?

It’s sad how your life is determined by where you’re born and who your parents are. So if you’re born somewhere with no opportunities and a parent who decides to fuck you over later, you’re just fucked. I’m sick of being held down. Other adults younger than me are able to live in and move to cities where there are actual opportunities, whereas I will probably always be trapped in a small town with nothing to do and no opportunities.

It’s like everyone else is able to fly away and “spread their wings”, whereas I’m trapped, held down on the ground with heavy weights weighing down every step I try to take. Effort feels pointless because I know I’m trapped. I don’t understand what the point is supposed to be in life when your life is unenjoyable, you have no social support, and there’s no chance of escaping and getting to a better place in life.

Before anyone asks, I have a therapist. I think they don’t know what to do or say to help me. I’m just that messed up. I’m a defective, broken human being who can’t even function anymore.

I feel like I’m broken. I’m mentally broken. I don’t function at all anymore, but I never functioned.

For context, I’m someone who has never been a functional or normal human being. I’m convinced there’s something wrong with my brain. I started developing depression as a very young child and my life has been downhill ever since I was a young child.

I’m drowning in depression and pain. I’ve been crying/sobbing on a daily basis. My eyes are bloodshot and hurt.

A mixture of depression, chronic pain, having no friends and social support, and having the broken, horrible brain I have has ruined my life. I think my life was a setup for disaster and problems from the start. I wish I’d never been born.

For context, this is what I mean when I say I can’t function: I struggle to bathe and have been showering every few days. I’ve been crying everyday. I have to make myself eat.

I’m at a loss. I can’t continue to exist and function like this. People don’t realize that they just make things worse by saying things like “you’re stronger than what you know.” I don’t care. I’v endured a lifetime of pain and problems. Strength doesn’t matter. I don’t want life anymore.

My life is ruined. I feel like being autistic has ruined my life. I hate my life and myself and my body. I just don’t feel like I can have a life. I’m not able to have a life like other people. My body isn’t like other people or other women’s. My own parent doesn’t care if they cause me problems.

Why are some people born just to experience problems and suffering? I’ve never had friends or support. I want out of my life. I cry everyday lately. I’m miserable but I can’t fix my life.

I just want to escape my life. How do you reduce or numb the pain of having a hopeless and unhappy, painful life?

I’ve had depression since I was a child so I’m used to being depressed but what I’ve been feeling lately is something deeper. I feel like crying because of my life everyday. I feel hopeless. I feel miserable and hopeless. I just don’t feel like my life has any purpose or meaning.

For context, I’m in my early twenties and have no social support. I feel completely defeated by my life. I feel like my parents’ circumstances and decisions have completely ruined my life.

I never feel like getting out of bed anymore. It takes everything I have to make my bed, brush my hair and take basic care of myself. On most days I have no appetite due to my depression. I’m crying as I type this post.

I feel like my life has already been ruined and I’m only in my early twenties. I don’t even want to live to be 30 if this is what my life has to be like this.

I have no friends, no partner, no familial support. One of my parents is a narcissist. I feel like every factor in my life works against me.

I feel like my mental state has shifted because I don’t feel like my life is fixable. Chronic pain caused by my shitty genes has ruined my life. I developed it at the age when you’re supposed to be building your life, going to college, and gaining work experience. Instead, my awful body failed me; my horrible genes caused me to develop chronic pain.

I have arthritis now. I wish I was gone; I don’t want to have a 75 year old’s body while being over 50 years younger but that’s the shit body I have. I just hate my body so much because it’s the source of so much pain in my life.

I just feel so much pain. Not only was my life a total bust from the time I was a small child onward, but I’m trapped where I’m at so it will probably never change. I don’t know how young women who aren’t trapped in rural areas aren’t actively suicidal; these places have no fun, no opportunities, and are miserable. There’s no life for us here, no opportunity, nothing. No hope.

I don’t know what has ruined my life. I have shit genes. My parents should’ve never gotten together. I’ve actually started to wonder if women choosing to rush into having a child or children is selfish and shitty to their child. All rushing does is cause them to pick a horrible candidate to be their kid’s father and cause the kid endless pain and problems later on.

I’ve been diagnosed with ADHD, and I suspect I have autism. I was never evaluated for autism as a child and still haven’t been. I don’t even feel like it will make a difference because honestly I feel like my life is ruined either way. I feel like having autism, having genes that guaranteed a disaster of a life, having chronic depression I’ve had since I was a young child, and having no social support has ruined my life.

Is it normal to feel like who your parents are has ruined your life? I know one of my parents will do nothing but cause me problems, so that will always be dragging me down. My other parent has no college education which impacts their earning inability. So in essence I’m stuck and trapped living somewhere I hate living because one of my parents will always fuck me over and the other fucked themselves over by not pursuing a college education. I hate my life. I hate that it has to be this way. I know it’s not this way for most other young adults. They get to have normal lives and doing normal shit isn’t difficult or impossible for them.

My mom has said I don’t have good self esteem. Why would I? I feel like my circumstances have limited me and put me under so much stress and strain all I’ve been able to do is get through the day. Bathing is a struggle. I feel like crying on a daily basis. I stopped enjoying anything years ago so I don’t have hobbies . . . I just feel dead inside. I wish I was different. I want to be a normal functional human being so bad. What do you do when you just can’t be a functional human?

I’ve had severe depression since I was a child, so I don’t see myself ever not having depression. It’s never gone away no matter what medicine I’m on.

I don’t believe my problems will ever end. My body makes everything worse and has ruined my life. I have an ugly body shape and look fat despite not being clinically overweight. Your body is pretty much everything as a woman and I just hate mine. I hate it so much.

I have chronic pain and I don’t feel like I’ll ever be able to have a normal life. I’ve been crying everyday lately. I’m just miserable. I don’t want to live anymore but I can’t change my life.

I’m scared of reaching some sort of worse mental state but I don’t know if I can get anymore depressed. I only bathe every 3 to 4 days already. I just don’t see any point in my life. It feels pointless and I cry when I think of what my life has been.

What’s the point in life when I can’t function? I struggle to bathe. I can’t function anymore. I have to make myself eat. I just don’t want to live my life anymore. My life is painful and I don’t want it anymore. It hurts knowing that this is all my life is; just waiting for it to be over. My life has no hope or meaning

I guess the title of this post sums up how I’ve started viewing life. The rest of this post provides some information that I think shows why I feel the way I do.

I’m aware my life could be worse and that I’m privileged compared to many people, but I also know that I feel like I don’t want to continue living my life. My life feels like a shitshow. It’s one problem after another after another after another for years and it’s been this way since I was a child.

I haven’t been diagnosed with autism, but I’m virtually certain I’m on the spectrum. One of my parents said they started wondering if I was on the spectrum by the time I was 3 to 4 years old. They wondered this because I became overwhelmed (overstimulated) and would cry and break down; my mom said I would “meltdown” and that made taking me anywhere hard.

I was never evaluated for autism as a child or adult. I couldn’t stand wearing certain fabrics and the textures of some clothes as a child. The main reason I strongly believe I’m autistic is that I started experiencing social problems as a small child. I was having social problems by the time I was 5 to 6 years old. I could never make friends as a child, and have never had friends. Unfortunately, I always lacked social support as a child, teen, and adult (I still lack it) because of not having any friends combined with having no familial support. I know some people have larger families and may question why I didn’t have support from my family. I have no siblings, no extended family I’m close to, and one of my parents is a narcissist. It kind of feels like my life was a setup for problems from the start.

Starting from the time I was a small child, I had mental health problems. By about age 10, I had moderate to severe depression. My depression deepened in my pre-teen and teen years, and I experienced suicidal thoughts on and off many times. I never made friends or had any normal social experiences in my teens. I’m in my twenties now and I feel like I’m only just now realizing how that has affected me; I feel like my life has been fundamentally different from pretty much everybody else’s lives. I was socially isolated starting at a young age and this was also the case in my teenage years. I’ve always been depressed as a child, a teen, and an adult; I don’t know what it’s like to live without severe depression. I feel like autism and depression have destroyed my life.

I was miserable for years in my teens living with my narcissistic parent before my other parent and I finally left. We haven’t lived with them for years, but I’m still suffering from severe depression.

I wasn’t a happy child or a happy teenager. In my late teens I developed problems with my physical health. I had pain in my back for years and didn’t know what was causing it. Earlier this year, I got some answers. I went to a rheumatologist and they did bloodwork. I have a horrible gene that doesn’t cause health problems in most of the people that carry it. In my case, it has caused me to develop arthritis. I’m in my early twenties. I have an inflammatory condition that went untreated for the last four or more years; I’ve started a medication for it now. My immune system doesn’t work correctly.

I wasn’t even shocked when they told me I had the marker they looked for in my bloodwork. I expected that I would have it because I have horrible luck and the marker is associated with disease.

I’ve always been depressed ever since I was a child, so being depressed is my baseline. I never experienced being happy and enjoying my life as a teenager. Now, most of my early twenties are gone and I’m still severely depressed. But, I’ve noticed a change over the last couple of years. My mental health has worsened. I’m more hopeless. I don’t have an appetite on a lot of days. I don’t enjoy or want to do anything even more than usual. I want to lay in bed.

Before someone jumps to antidepressants, I’ve tried over a dozen different antidepressants, and none have ever significantly reduced my depression. I was depressed at age 10, age 15, age 20, and I still am now. I guess I’ve stopped believing I can be not depressed; it feels like depression is a permanent part of my life. I don’t like when people say things like: “Someone ending their life is a permanent solution to a temporary problem.” Not everyone’s horrible circumstances or depression is temporary.

I’m currently on an antidepressant (100mg a day). I stay on it because it helps a little, but I’m still severely depressed even on the antidepressant.

I just don’t understand why my life has to be this way. Around a year ago I started struggling to make myself bathe. The depression seems to have deepened because I think I’ve realized that so many different things in my life hold me back and work against me. I guess I feel like my life was a setup for disaster or failure and so I don’t see the point in trying to fix it anymore. I’m not trying to be negative, but I’ve often wished I’d never been born because I do think my life was just a setup for problems from the very beginning. My mom herself said this when we were talking: “I think your life was just the perfect storm.” She means a perfect storm of problems, and I agree with her.

I don’t see the point in anything anymore. I’ve also realized that I’ve stopped expecting I’ll ever be able to have a life like other people. I anticipate and expect life to be difficult, way harder, and worse for me than how it usually goes for most other young people.

It makes me sad that youth is portrayed as this fun, great experience full of freedom and opportunities; that’s such a joke. What fun and opportunities are young women supposed to have in a rural area in a boring state with few cities? Even for healthy young women, there’s nothing to do where I am. I feel like youth is portrayed one way but it’s not that way, or it’s not that way for everyone.

Is this what being autistic is like for everyone? Are our lives always filled with problems, depression, sadness, and unhappiness? I want to know if this is just what being autistic is like, and if it’s not, why my life has been the way that it’s been. I don’t feel like it will get better; I’m just not hopeful anymore.

What makes things worse is that as I’ve gotten older I’ve realized the consequences of having no friends, no people you could split rent with as roommates, no romantic partner, no social support except for one parent, nothing. It’s like having social support makes things possible for other people. When you lack social support, it seems to make normal shit hard or almost impossible.

I’m trapped living somewhere I hate living because the parent I’m close to and live with wants to continue living here and works here. To make my already depressing, stressful life worse, my other parent still owes the parent I’m close to money from their divorced. They have screwed up their life by drinking a lot, possibly getting back into substance abuse (I don’t know for certain if they have), and losing their job. Them losing their job directly impacts both the parent I’m close to and me.

Everyday I’m concerned about AND have to hear my parent worry about and express stress about when they will stop paying and we’ll start having financial problems. I don’t know what to do. All my life ever is is problems. People who are supposed to help me either fuck me over by financially fucking my parent over, OR they can’t help me. An example of this is how my parent can’t afford to move to an area that’s not in the middle of nowhere or a small town because they have no college education and health problems.

I don’t feel like my life is mine. I don’t feel like I can change or control my life. I feel like I’m just living the results of other people’s shitty decisions, like I’m paying the price for the decisions and mistakes of my parents. I’m sick of having had nothing but problems. You can still be hopeful when you’ve had problems for a couple of years or even 5 years, but I just don’t feel hopeful anymore after over a decade of shitty years straight. I don’t know what to do anymore. I feel defeated and disadvantaged by and in my life. I feel like life is just something that happens to me, if that makes sense.

I know this is a long post. I chose the tag I did because of the mention of suicidal thoughts in this post. I guess I just have trouble seeing a point in trying at this point. I mean, when you have many so many disadvantages working against you, it feels like you try 100 times as hard but the results you get don’t match the results others get.

I don’t understand why it has to be this way. Is this just how life is for autistic people, or for people whose parents should’ve never been together/shouldn’t have had them? I don’t know how to make sense of my life. I wish I could get away from my life because I don’t view it as fixable anymore. If I can’t fix it, I don’t see the point in struggling to fix it and using the minimal energy I have left on something I can’t do (fixing my life).

I know this isn’t how other young adults’ lives are. I know it’s not. I don’t understand why it has to be this way.

I’m used to being depressed but what I’ve felt lately is something deeper. I feel like crying everyday. I feel miserable and hopeless. I don’t feel like my life has any purpose or meaning.

I’m in my early twenties and have no social support. I feel defeated by my life and like my parents’ decisions have completely ruined my life.

I don’t feel like getting out of bed anymore. It takes everything I have to make bed, brush my hair and take care of myself. On most days I have no appetite due to my depression. I’m crying as I type this post.

I feel like my life has already been ruined and I’m only in my early twenties. I don’t even want to live to be 30 if this is what my life has to be like this.

I have no friends, no partner, no familial support. One of my parents is a narcissist. I feel like every factor in my life works against me.

I feel like my mental state has shifted. I don’t feel like my life is fixable. Chronic pain has ruined my life. I developed it at the age when you’re supposed to be building your life, going to college, and working. Instead, my body failed me; my horrible genes caused me to develop chronic pain.

I have arthritis now. I wish I was gone; I don’t want to have a 75 year old’s body while being over 50 years younger but that’s the shit body I have. I just hate my body so much because it’s the source of so much pain in my life.

I just feel so much pain. Not only was my life a total bust from the time I was a small child, but I’m trapped where I’m at so it will probably never change. I don’t know how young women who are trapped in rural areas aren’t suicidal; these places have no fun, no opportunities, and are miserable. There’s no life here, no opportunity, nothing. No hope.

I don’t know what has ruined my life. I have shit genes. My parents should’ve never gotten together. I’ve started to wonder if women choosing to rush into having a child is selfish. All rushing does is cause them to pick a horrible candidate to be the father and cause the kid endless pain and problems later on.

I’ve been diagnosed w/ ADHD. suspect I have autism. I wasn’t evaluated for autism as a child or adult. I don’t even feel like it will make a difference because I feel like my life is ruined either way. I feel like having autism, having genes that guaranteed a disaster of a life, having severe depression I’ve had since I was a young child, and having no social support has ruined my life.

Is it normal to feel like who your parents are has ruined your life? I know one of my parents will do nothing but cause me problems, so that will always be dragging me down. My other parent has no college education which impacts their earnings. I’m stuck and trapped living somewhere I hate living because one of my parents will always fuck me over and the other fucked themselves over by not getting any education. I hate my life. I hate that it has to be this way. I know it’s not this way for most other young adults. They get to have normal lives and doing normal shit isn’t difficult or impossible for them.

I feel like my circumstances have limited me and put me under so much stress and strain all I’ve been able to do is get through the day. Bathing is a struggle. I feel like crying on a daily basis. I stopped enjoying anything years ago so I don’t have hobbies . . . I just feel dead inside. I wish I was different. I want to be a normal functional human being so bad. What do you do when you just can’t be a functional human?

I didn’t know whether to tag this post with the discussion tag or the mind tag so I picked the mind tip tag because a lot of this post relates to mental health. If reading about depression, chronic mental health struggles, and mentions of suicidal thoughts triggers or upsets you, don’t read this post.

I guess the title of this post sums up how I’ve started viewing life. The rest of this post provides some information that I think shows why I feel the way I do.

I’m aware my life could be worse and that I’m privileged compared to many people, but I also know that I feel like I don’t want to continue living my life. My life feels like a shitshow. It’s one problem after another after another after another for years and it’s been this way since I was a child.

I haven’t been diagnosed with autism, but I’m virtually certain I’m on the spectrum. One of my parents said they started wondering if I was on the spectrum by the time I was 3 to 4 years old. They wondered this because I became overwhelmed (overstimulated) and would cry and break down; my mom said I would “meltdown” and that made taking me anywhere hard.

I was never evaluated for autism as a child or adult. I couldn’t stand wearing certain fabrics and the textures of some clothes as a child. The main reason I strongly believe I’m autistic is that I started experiencing social problems as a small child. I was having social problems by the time I was 5 to 6 years old. I could never make friends as a child, and have never had friends. Unfortunately, I always lacked social support as a child, teen, and adult (I still lack it) because of not having any friends combined with having no familial support. I know some people have larger families and may question why I didn’t have support from my family. I have no siblings, no extended family I’m close to, and one of my parents is a narcissist. It kind of feels like my life was a setup for problems from the start.

Starting from the time I was a small child, I had mental health problems. By about age 10, I had moderate to severe depression. My depression deepened in my pre-teen and teen years, and I experienced suicidal thoughts on and off many times. I never made friends or had any normal social experiences in my teens. I’m in my twenties now and I feel like I’m only just now realizing how that has affected me; I feel like my life has been fundamentally different from pretty much everybody else’s lives. I was socially isolated starting at a young age and this was also the case in my teenage years. I’ve always been depressed as a child, a teen, and an adult; I don’t know what it’s like to live without severe depression. I feel like autism and depression have destroyed my life.

I was miserable for years in my teens living with my narcissistic parent before my other parent and I finally left. We haven’t lived with them for years, but I’m still suffering from severe depression.

I wasn’t a happy child or a happy teenager. In my late teens I developed problems with my physical health. I had pain in my back for years and didn’t know what was causing it. Earlier this year, I got some answers. I went to a rheumatologist and they did bloodwork. I have a horrible gene that doesn’t cause health problems in most of the people that carry it. In my case, it has caused me to develop arthritis. I’m in my early twenties. I have an inflammatory condition that went untreated for the last four or more years; I’ve started a medication for it now. My immune system doesn’t work correctly.

I wasn’t even shocked when they told me I had the marker they looked for in my bloodwork. I expected that I would have it because I have horrible luck and the marker is associated with disease.

I’ve always been depressed ever since I was a child, so being depressed is my baseline. I never experienced being happy and enjoying my life as a teenager. Now, most of my early twenties are gone and I’m still severely depressed. But, I’ve noticed a change over the last couple of years. My mental health has worsened. I’m more hopeless. I don’t have an appetite on a lot of days. I don’t enjoy or want to do anything even more than usual. I want to lay in bed.

Before someone jumps to antidepressants, I’ve tried over a dozen different antidepressants, and none have ever significantly reduced my depression. I was depressed at age 10, age 15, age 20, and I still am now. I guess I’ve stopped believing I can be not depressed; it feels like depression is a permanent part of my life. I don’t like when people say things like: “Someone ending their life is a permanent solution to a temporary problem.” Not everyone’s horrible circumstances or depression is temporary.

I’m currently on an antidepressant (100mg a day). I stay on it because it helps a little, but I’m still severely depressed even on the antidepressant.

I just don’t understand why my life has to be this way. Around a year ago I started struggling to make myself bathe. The depression seems to have deepened because I think I’ve realized that so many different things in my life hold me back and work against me. I guess I feel like my life was a setup for disaster or failure and so I don’t see the point in trying to fix it anymore. I’m not trying to be negative, but I’ve often wished I’d never been born because I do think my life was just a setup for problems from the very beginning. My mom herself said this when we were talking: “I think your life was just the perfect storm.” She means a perfect storm of problems, and I agree with her.

I don’t see the point in anything anymore. I’ve also realized that I’ve stopped expecting I’ll ever be able to have a life like other people. I anticipate and expect life to be difficult, way harder, and worse for me than how it usually goes for most other young people.

It makes me sad that youth is portrayed as this fun, great experience full of freedom and opportunities; that’s such a joke. What fun and opportunities are young women supposed to have in a rural area in a boring state with few cities? Even for healthy young women, there’s nothing to do where I am. I feel like youth is portrayed one way but it’s not that way, or it’s not that way for everyone.

Is this what being autistic is like for everyone? Are our lives always filled with problems, depression, sadness, and unhappiness? I want to know if this is just what being autistic is like, and if it’s not, why my life has been the way that it’s been. I don’t feel like it will get better; I’m just not hopeful anymore.

What makes things worse is that as I’ve gotten older I’ve realized the consequences of having no friends, no people you could split rent with as roommates, no romantic partner, no social support except for one parent, nothing. It’s like having social support makes things possible for other people. When you lack social support, it seems to make normal shit hard or almost impossible.

I’m trapped living somewhere I hate living because the parent I’m close to and live with wants to continue living here and works here. To make my already depressing, stressful life worse, my other parent still owes the parent I’m close to money from their divorced. They have screwed up their life by drinking a lot, possibly getting back into substance abuse (I don’t know for certain if they have), and losing their job. Them losing their job directly impacts both the parent I’m close to and me.

Everyday I’m concerned about AND have to hear my parent worry about and express stress about when they will stop paying and we’ll start having financial problems. I don’t know what to do. All my life ever is is problems. People who are supposed to help me either fuck me over by financially fucking my parent over, OR they can’t help me. An example of this is how my parent can’t afford to move to an area that’s not in the middle of nowhere or a small town because they have no college education and health problems.

I don’t feel like my life is mine. I don’t feel like I can change or control my life. I feel like I’m just living the results of other people’s shitty decisions, like I’m paying the price for the decisions and mistakes of my parents. I’m sick of having had nothing but problems. You can still be hopeful when you’ve had problems for a couple of years or even 5 years, but I just don’t feel hopeful anymore after over a decade of shitty years straight. I don’t know what to do anymore. I feel defeated and disadvantaged by and in my life. I feel like life is just something that happens to me, if that makes sense.

I know this is a long post. I chose the tag I did because of the mention of suicidal thoughts in this post. I guess I just have trouble seeing a point in trying at this point. I mean, when you have many so many disadvantages working against you, it feels like you try 100 times as hard but the results you get don’t match the results others get.

I don’t understand why it has to be this way. Is this just how life is for autistic people, or for people whose parents should’ve never been together/shouldn’t have had them? I don’t know how to make sense of my life. I wish I could get away from my life because I don’t view it as fixable anymore. If I can’t fix it, I don’t see the point in struggling to fix it and using the minimal energy I have left on something I can’t do (fixing my life).

I know this isn’t how other young adults’ lives are. I know it’s not. I don’t understand why it has to be this way.

Everyday of my life is the same in that I lack the desire or motivation to do anything. I’ve been bathing every 3 days or so because making myself shower has gotten hard. It’s like my system has realized that my life has been so damaged and fucked up by my continual stressful circumstances that I’ve stopped wanting anything. It’s like I have no hopes, no dreams, nothing in me. I’m just constantly wanting to feel better and wishing I was living a different life.

Has anyone else felt like they’re not living, they’re just existing? Like you’re not living the life you were meant to live, and you don’t feel motivated to keep living the life you’re living?

I’ve also noticed that my appetite has gone down; on some days I don’t feel like eating much of anything. I think my system finds it safer to just shut down completely because wanting things feels pointless when you know you can’t access, achieve, or get to what you want if that makes any sense

I know that my life could be worse and that I’m privileged, but I also know that I feel like I don’t want to continue living my life. My life feels like a shitshow; one problem after another after another after another for years since I was a child.

I haven’t been diagnosed with autism, but I’m virtually certain that I am. One of my parents said they started wondering if I was on the spectrum by the time I was 3 to 4 years old. They wondered this because I became overwhelmed (overstimulated) and would cry and break down; my mom said I would “meltdown” and that made taking me anywhere hard.

I was never evaluated for autism as a child or adult. I couldn’t stand wearing certain fabrics and the textures of some clothes as a child. The main reason I strongly believe I’m autistic is that I started experiencing social problems as a small child. I was having social problems by the time I was 5 to 6 years old. I could never make friends as a child, and have never had any friends. Unfortunately, I always lacked social support as a child, teen, and adult (I still lack it) because of not having any friends combined with having no familial support. I know some people have large families so I’ll provide some context as to why I’ve never had familial support; I have no siblings, no extended family I’m close to, and one of my parents is a narcissist.

Starting from the time I was a small child, I had mental health problems. By about age 10, I had moderate to severe depression. My depression deepened in my pre-teen and teen years, and I experienced suicidal thoughts on and off many times. I never made friends or had any normal social experiences in my teens. I’m in my twenties now and I feel like I’m only just now realizing how that has affected me; I feel like my life has been fundamentally different from pretty much everybody else’s lives. I was socially isolated starting at a young age and this was also the case in my teenage years. I’ve always been depressed as a child, a teen, and an adult; I don’t know what it’s like to live without severe depression. I feel like this has destroyed my life.

I was miserable for years in my teens living with my narcissistic parent before my other parent and I finally left. We haven’t lived with them for years, but I’m still suffering from severe depression.

I wasn’t a happy child or a happy teenager. About 5 years ago in my late teens I developed problems with my physical health. I had pain in my back everyday for years and I didn’t know what was causing it. Earlier this year, I finally got some answers. I went to a rheumatologist and they did some bloodwork. I have a horrible gene that doesn’t cause health problems in most of the people that carry it. In my case, it has caused me to develop arthritis. I’m in my early twenties. I have an inflammatory condition that went untreated for the last four or more years; I’ve started a medication for it now. My immune system doesn’t work correctly.

I wasn’t even shocked when they told me I had the marker they looked for in my bloodwork. I expected that I would have it because I have horrible luck and the marker is associated with disease.

I’ve always been depressed ever since I was a child, so being depressed is my baseline. I never experienced being happy and enjoying my life as a teenager. Now, most of my early twenties are gone and I’m still severely depressed. But, I’ve noticed a change over the last couple of years. My mental health has worsened. I’m more hopeless. I don’t have an appetite on a lot of days. I don’t enjoy or want to do anything even more than usual. I want to lay in bed.

Before someone jumps to recommending antidepressants, I’ve tried over a dozen different antidepressants, and none have ever significantly reduced my depression. I was depressed at age 10, age 15, age 20, and I still am now. I guess I’ve stopped believing I can be not depressed; it feels like depression is just a permanent part of my life now. I don’t like when people say things like: “Someone ending their life is a permanent solution to a temporary problem.” Not everyone’s horrible circumstances or depression is temporary.

I’m currently on an antidepressant (100mg a day). I stay on it because it helps a little, but I’m still severely depressed even on an antidepressant.

I just don’t understand why my life has had to be this way. Around a year ago I started struggling to make myself bathe. The depression seems to have deepened because I think I’ve realized that so many different things in my life hold me back and work against me. I guess I feel like my life was a setup for disaster or failure and so I don’t see the point in trying to fix it anymore. I’m not trying to be negative, but I’ve often wished I’d never been born because I do think my life was just a setup for problems from the very beginning. My mom herself has said when talking about my life: “I think your life was just the perfect storm.” She means a perfect storm of problems, and I agree with her.

I don’t see the point in anything anymore. I’ve also realized that I’ve stopped expecting that I’ll ever be able to have a life like other people. I anticipate and expect life being difficult, way harder, and worse for me than how it usually goes for most other young people.

It makes me sad that youth is portrayed as this fun, great experience full of freedom and opportunities; that’s such a joke. What fun and opportunities are young women supposed to have in a rural area in a boring state with few cities? Even for healthy young women, there’s nothing to do where I am. I feel like youth is portrayed one way but it’s not that way, or it’s not that way for everyone.

Is this what being autistic is like for everyone? Are our lives always filled with problems, depression, sadness, and unhappiness? I want to know if this is just what being autistic is like, and if it’s not, why my life has been the way that it’s been. I don’t feel like it will get better; I’m just not hopeful anymore.

What makes things worse is that I’ve gotten older I’ve realized the consequences of having no friends, no people you could split rent with as roommates, no romantic partner, no social support except for one parent, nothing. It’s like having social support makes things possible for other people.

I’m trapped living somewhere I hate living because the parent I’m close to and live with wants to continue living here and works here. To make my already depressing, stressful life worse, my other parent still owes the parent I’m close to money from when they divorced. They have screwed up their life by drinking a lot, possibly getting back into substance abuse (I don’t know for certain if they have) and losing their job.

Everyday I’m concerned about AND have to hear my parent worry about and express stress about when they will stop paying and we’ll start having financial problems. I don’t know what to do. All my life is is problems. People who are supposed to help me either fuck me over by financially fucking my parent over, OR they can’t help me (my parent can’t afford to move to an area that’s not in the middle of where or a small town because they have no college education and health problems).

I don’t feel like my life is mine. I don’t feel like I can change or control my life. I feel like I’m just living the results of other people’s shitty decisions, like I’m paying the price for the mistakes of my parents. I’m sick of having had nothing but problems. You can still be hopeful when you’ve had problems for a couple of years or even 5 years, but I just don’t feel hopeful anymore after over a decade of shitty years straight. I don’t know what to do anymore. I feel defeated and disadvantaged by and in my life. I feel like life is just something that happens to me if that makes sense.

I haven’t been diagnosed with autism, but I’m virtually certain that I’m autistic. One of my parents has said that they started wondering if I was on the spectrum by the time I was 3 or 4 years old. They wondered this because I became overwhelmed by stimuli (overstimulated) and would sometimes cry and break down; my mom said I would “meltdown” and that made taking me anywhere hard.

I was never evaluated for autism as a child or adult, but I believe I’m autistic. I couldn’t stand wearing certain fabrics and the textures of some clothes as a child. The main reason I strongly believe I’m autistic is that I started experiencing social problems as a small child. I was having social problems by the time I was 5 to 6 years old. I could never make friends as a child, and have never had any friends. Unfortunately, I always lacked social support as a child, teen, and adult (I still lack it) because of not having any friends combined with having no familial support. I know some people have large families so I’ll provide some context as to why I’ve never had familial support; I have no siblings, no extended family I’m close to, and one of my parents is a narcissist.

I would’ve added the comorbidities tag to this post but I couldn’t add multiple tags. Starting from the time I was a small child, I had mental health problems. By about age 10, I had moderate to severe depression. My depression deepened in my pre-teen and teen years, and I experienced suicidal thoughts on and off many times. I never made friends or had any normal social experiences in my teens. I’m in my twenties now and I feel like I’m only just now realizing how that has affected me; I feel like my life has been fundamentally different from pretty much everybody else’s lives. I was socially isolated starting at a young age and this was also the case in my teenage years.

I was miserable for years in my teens living with my narcissistic parent before my other parent and I finally left. We haven’t lived with them for years, but I’m still suffering from severe depression.

I wasn’t a happy child or a happy teenager, but about 5 years ago I developed problems with my physical health. I had pain in my back everyday for years and I didn’t know what was causing it. Earlier this year, I finally got some answers. I went to a rheumatologist and they did some bloodwork. I have a horrible gene that usually doesn’t cause health problems in most of the people that carry it. In my case, it has caused me to develop arthritis. I’m in my early twenties. I have an inflammatory condition that went untreated for the last four or more years; I’ve started a medication for it now. My immune system doesn’t work correctly.

I decided to post here to try to get some answers. I’ve always been depressed ever since I was a child, so being depressed is my baseline. I never experienced being happy and enjoying my life as a teenager. Now, most of my early twenties are gone and I’m still depressed. But, I’ve noticed a change over the last couple of years. My mental health has worsened. I’m more hopeless. I don’t have an appetite on a lot of days. I don’t enjoy or want to do anything even more than usual. I want to lay in bed.

Before someone jumps to recommending antidepressants, I’ve tried over a dozen different antidepressants, and none have ever significantly reduced my depression. I was depressed at age 10, age 15, age 20, and I still am now. I guess I’ve stopped believing I can be not depressed; it feels like depression is just a permanent part of my life now. I don’t like when people say things like: “Someone ending their life is a permanent solution to a temporary problem.” Not everyone’s horrible circumstances or depression is temporary.

I’m currently on an antidepressant (100mg a day). I stay on it because it helps a little, but I’m still severely depressed even on an antidepressant. Are our brains just wired for depression as autistic people? Is it normal to hate being autistic?

I just don’t understand why my life has had to be this way. Around a year ago I started struggling to make myself bathe. The depression seems to have deepened because I think I’ve realized that so many different things in my life hold me back and work against me. I guess I feel like my life was a setup for disaster or failure and so I don’t see the point in trying to fix it anymore. I’m not trying to be negative, but I’ve often wished I’d never been born because I do think my life was just a setup for problems from the very beginning. My mom herself has said when talking about my life: “I think your life was just the perfect storm.” She means a perfect storm of problems, and I agree with her.

I don’t see the point in anything anymore. I’ve also realized that I’ve stopped expecting that I’ll ever be able to have a life like other people. I anticipate and expect life being difficult, way harder, and worse for me than how it usually goes for most other young people.

It makes me sad that youth is pursued as this fun, great experience full of freedom and opportunities; that’s such a joke. What fun and opportunities are young women supposed to have in a rural area in a boring state with few cities? Even for healthy young women, there’s nothing to do where I am. I feel like youth is pursued one way but it’s not that way, or it’s not that way for everyone.

Is this what being autistic is like for everyone? Are our lives always filled with problems, depression, sadness, and unhappiness? I want to know if this is just what being autistic is like, and if it’s not, why my life has been the way that it’s been. I don’t feel like it will get better; I’m just not hopeful anymore.