u/DependentWise9303

Edit: I am so thankful and grateful to those who replied your words got me up and out and in the cab to work now. This is such a safe space. Thank you … thank you.

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I had an EFT planned and work asked me to travel.

I considered resigning. Its a high stress job and I banked a good number of embryos although all untested and was wondering if I can keep up with both but the job market is beyond bad so I didn’t quit.

Instead I fit in another ER (on Thursday) and traveled Saturday .

Anyway I got an update yesterday and its not my a good round… I was at the our international/ head office , and pretended to care and made it through the day.

I came back to the hotel and sobbed for an hour yesterday then pulled myself together and saw a friend who lives in this city and felt ok.

Right now its morning where I am… I am in the hotel room bed now and all I can think is. I don’t care. I don’t want to discuss the strategy for our annual event. I don’t want to talk about the new platform we will launch. I feel frozen I can’t move. I don’t care.

I don’t fucking care about increasing shareholder value.

I just want to quit and focus on fertility. My flight back is Thursday my husband says not to make any rash decisions because of the hormone drop.

I can do a year and a half on my own savings but the job market is bad and this company is not bad. Its just me.

If my own embryos don’t work I would have to travel for a doner.

Im just broken from this process .

I dont know what I am looking for here but I have never woken up in a hotel room frozen before.

Im going to have a coffee and wash my face but I really do not know if I have it in me to make it out of the door.

I wish I didn’t accept and quit before coming. Quitting while here with meetings with seniors is so weird and awkward, and I am trying to move but so far I can’t …

Edit to say thank you- I never got such a strong consensus from a post and made my decision easy !
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Hi all, some may have seen my post where I had an EFT due and I had to travel at the same time and was genuinely considering quitting my high stress job as nothing is more important to me but I don’t think that I need to tell anyone how hard the job market is now.

As a recap, have 10 untested day 5 frozen embryos that I obviously had to work very hard to get. (I know im lucky to have them even if they are not tested btw but I was so looking forward to starting my maybe family) .

I was turned 42 on August 10 so I was also having a time crisis as this process makes it so hard . I had a miscarriage in Feb, second of two EFT’s 1st which didn’t take. I also mentioned in my previous post grief and losses and a miscarriage. Been a hard year.

Anyway, I am calmer now , I am traveling and not quitting my job. But I have a question even though I know the answer/ if the embryos were frozen between 41-42, does it make a difference if I transfer in September or November?

In November i’ll be 42 and 3 months but ‘done’ with major work projects.

Im traveling back for a week then traveling again I could do a medicated transfer because guess what of course mg cycle lines up with the EXACT dates of travel.

Anyway. I think it’s frozen ‘in time’ but all I hear is ‘TIK TOK

I know this sounds dramatic but my life won’t be complete without a family, I had to do EMDR as I got PTSD from this process. Also just to share that Unfortunately we can’t adopt or get doner eggs here where I live, but I would travel for doner eggs if none of my embryos take .

Edit to say it’s my 5th ER that’s what I meant by round. I don’t even know what I am looking for here.

I turn 42 on the 10th of August. I have had a rough personal journey in and outside IVF while doing IVF.

I’m sobbing I guess from the meds, but the noises of the sobs aren’t even noises I recognise today.

I do therapy and EMDR, yesterday I had a very rough EMDR session not sure if that’s why I’m so raw today.

Probably that combined with my Birthday coming up and counting the two years I’ve been in this (with Letrozole and IUI before).

I feel like I lost.. feels like my internal compass throughout this , and particularly after the miscarriage where a friend died in the same week. I had other losses too. Emotional over other people’s pregnancies.. all the weird stuff that made me look at myself and feel who the hell is this.

I just don’t even know who I am right now.

I have two questions.

Do eggs with minor issues self correct if transferred to the uterus?

I heard some labs freeze at day 3 then thaw again until day 5- what on earth could possibly be a reason for that?

Please if you have patience for a stranger today please read through this all 🙏.

I have a good job/ good pay , reasonable people. I am having a panic attack and want to quit because I have an urgent business trip to take that postpones my plans of my next FET. I also happen to turn 42 the DAY I had planned the transfer , now the day I need to travel (August 10th.)

Job understanding and supportive. Other than my miscarriage in February (I started this Job mid April) this was a hard year.

My best friend died in childbirth my ex boss and my uncle (my uncle just 5 days ago and funeral just finished we do the funeral soon in the Arab world).

My nervous system is already destroyed from 2 years of infertility treatments but I am trying my best.

Job gave me leave for my uncles funeral, let me take a few days when my friend died (this knocked me out she died in childbirth and we did IvF together)- , and I also had the flu, and took a holiday all in 4 months.

I still 9 frozen embryos banked I was going to transfer - this is the caveat they are untested. I have pcos before made 5 blasts before moving countries, and all anauploid double chromosome issues and of course my miscarriage. This country no pgta. That’s why Im panicking. This and age and of course my uncles dearh reminded me of my dadd death my fav uncle is alone now and he also said Im watching my brothers die one by one 💔.

Logically, suck it up and do the trip. But another trip is during my next natural cycle. So that means TWO months delay and in my head all I hear is TIK TOK.

I want to just quit now. I am having palpitations. I have enough savings / will get support from my husband and could sustain 1.5 years or so live normally jobless - but the job market is crap and no guarantees.

I have to travel for Doner eggs if none of my embryos work.

So I just want to quit. Do the transfer and focus on my IVF .

I am not thinking rationally because all my plans changed.

I know Im lucky to have 9 frozen embryos even untested but man if this fucking year hasn’t tested the shit out of me.

Oh yeah im in a warzone …. Just FYI and shit.::. but no time to think of that honestly…

I’m doing a frozen EFT transfer soon my cycle starts August 4 so ‘transfer’ might be around 10 days from now or so.

I went out last night and had 1 cocktail and 6-8 glasses of wine depending on how big you consider your wine glasses to be.

Obviously I went through hell to make these embryos but I met up with ab old friend and one thing led to another .

Will this hurt my transfer since Im not creating the embryo now?

Literally what the post says.

I’m almost 42 I have 10 frozen embryos non pgta tested EFT in August won’t go too much into my history but 2 years TTC one miscarriage at 6 weeks 5 days.

My sister in law (38, second child) , school friend (42 - second child), my cousin (40, 3rd child), close friend 40 (1st child) done with pgta but started at 38.

I also have a cousin got married at 40 had a mc but got pregnant naturally.

Im happy for them. But my god. This fucking pain. The PAIN.

I had an abortion at 36 with my current husband . My dad had just died. It was Covid.

I will NEVER forgive myself. I will also not stop trying I think if this doesn’t work on to doner eggs.. but This is awful.

It feels as though ‘age’ has only been an issue to me . Although I know this isn’t true because another sister in las now 38 has been TTc since 34 but … I don’t think of her I just think… wow… everyone is older and pregnant but not meeeee.

We didn’t have stable jobs. But I still. Will never forgive myself.
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Update to thank everyone for the answers. I also have major resent towards my husband who went along with the abortion not questioning if Im sure when we always said we probably want kids

So I took a 3 month break after embryo banking after a long hard journey and a miscarriage.

I’m about to ‘go back in’. I actually unfollowed all the IVF and fertility groups because after multiple embryo banking after my miscarriage I was really not doing ok mentally but did it before I reached my 42nd bday/ pushed through.

Now I have 9 untested to transfer after banking . (Different country no PGTa allowed compared to my first)

Long story short my brain goes back to my first extraction at 39, 11 day 3 embryos (doctor decided to freeze at day 3), transferred 2 didn’t work (even tho there was no history of miscarriage etc)… and I keep thinking…

What if I didn’t ask for PGTA and then they thawed waited for the 9 to reach blasts (5 did), all had multiple abnormalities.

What if I kept transferring 2 at a time of day 3’s and never went through any of this.

Apparently labs don’t cause trisomy and defined not multiple… but part of me believes the uterus and self correct and especially day 3.. can you imagine if that happened and I didn’t have years of pain and money and spending and aches and loss….

Sorry I’m SO anxious of getting back in just as I started to ‘breathe’ again.

I never got 11 eggs again in one round. I have pcos but I don’t know how these women get 20 eghs

Also I did coq10 and ‘all the things’ after the first horrific result … anyway just thinking out loud here.

Hey - two years ago or so I had a nervous system breakdown (while on benzos). It was terrifying. Felt like I had a broken brain.

After a lot of research my conclusion was my base Gaba receptors were broken and the 5 years or abuse 2-5 xaanax a day , sometimes with alcohol has likely causes an issue . Like I would be catatonic or sob if was awful.

I tapered slowly over 1.5 years to almost nothing/ 0.125 a day. I was ‘good’ not Ecstatic but for SURE my baseline was more regulated (added vitamins meditation and workouts as well )

Then in Feb shit hit the fan… my friend died, and I had a miscarriage in the same week while starting a new job. No I am not exaggerating this happened. Btw was also in a warzone but tbh I was too distressed by my miscarriage as Its been a long infertility journey (benzos are unhealthy for pregnancy another reason I wanted to taper).

Anyway… i wwnt back ok 1 Valium a day promising myself to taper when I finish probation. But every day there is a ‘presentation’ i beed to do well in or something else inconvenient. And today I took an extra half valium after stabilizing for 4.5 months on only 1 valium.

I dont want to go back there but my mind us playing tricks on me because I feel so peaceful right now .. but I know LOGICALLY this is what happened before then I needed to go up and up and up, and this is how this shit gets you.. with the ‘peace’ … btw im also on prozac and plan to one day taper but not now …

Im looking for support and like … i wont say remind me how bad it gets but… even after rhe miscarriage and loss I wasn’t as terrified as I was two years ago when my brain was ‘broken’ …

Hey - two years ago or so I had a nervous system breakdown (while on benzos). It was terrifying. Felt like I had a broken brain.

After a lot of research my conclusion was my base Gaba receptors were broken and the 5 years or abuse 2-5 xaanax a day , sometimes with alcohol has likely causes an issue . Like I would be catatonic or sob if was awful.

I tapered slowly over 1.5 years to almost nothing/ 0.125 a day. I was ‘good’ not Ecstatic but for SURE my baseline was more regulated (added vitamins meditation and workouts as well )

Then in Feb shit hit the fan… my friend died, and I had a miscarriage in the same week while starting a new job. No I am not exaggerating this happened. Btw was also in a warzone but tbh I was too distressed by my miscarriage as Its been a long infertility journey (benzos are unhealthy for pregnancy another reason I wanted to taper).

Anyway… i wwnt back ok 1 Valium a day promising myself to taper when I finish probation. But every day there is a ‘presentation’ i beed to do well in or something else inconvenient. And today I took an extra half valium after stabilizing for 4.5 months on only 1 valium.

I dont want to go back there but my mind us playing tricks on me because I feel so peaceful right now .. but I know LOGICALLY this is what happened before then I needed to go up and up and up, and this is how this shit gets you.. with the ‘peace’ … btw im also on prozac and plan to one day taper but not now …

Im looking for support and like … i wont say remind me how bad it gets but… even after rhe miscarriage and loss I wasn’t as terrified as I was two years ago when my brain was ‘broken’ …

Spoilers !!!

This is about this Italian Doctor Paulo something who claimed to have invented an amazing new way to create bio or semi bio trachea - Its an interesting story bur what a shame that it was not more involved with the science and surgeries- how did people just let this happen!??? I guess I need to watch the documentary.

Also- The Pope will officiate? Come on girl.

I found it quite Meh but then also extra frustrated because at least let’s go into some interesting details about the relationship since you focused on it.

First .. who has friends like this who will travel with you to check your ex’s house lol .. was he at least good in bed? Like give us SOMETHING

The others who were accused give two sided reporting maybe instead of just stating what happened

Please read until the end if you have time. I’m desperate for help.

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I have always had a sensitive nervous system. I never did well on stimulants because I am already ‘always’ on.

My doctor approved Lexapro and prozac (I know they are both SSRIS and I know to watch out for Seraronine Syndrome), and I had a xanax addiction that I ‘fixed’ or im on the way.

Anyway; ever since doing a year of fertility treatments (on a break now), my nervous system is out of whack like never before.

I have been depressed I know what depression is. This is not depression. My mood cycles 3-4 times a day.

In some ways its worst than depression before of going from happy to sad to anxious.

Im really exhausted. I just read that sometimes SSRIs lower dopamine activity. Could trying to go off one or reduce one help?

This combination was given after a few months of being catatonic burnout as a last resort and ‘worked’ for years until the year of hormone injections.

Please.. i feel crazy. I need to leave this hell. It may also be xanax long term effects…

I go to the gym, I meditate, i see my friend , I hold onto my job - but when I tell you.. I am only able to do this because im using the adhd nervous system tool box like its no ones business like truly truly I am keeping it together by … FORCe yes im thankful but.. the fluctuating is a hell different than when I was catatonic .

Please read until the end if you have time. I’m desperate for help.

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I have always had a sensitive nervous system. i have ADHD diagnosed and PMDDz I never did well on stimulants because I am already ‘always’ on.

My doctor approved Lexapro and prozac (I know they are both SSRIS and I know to watch out for Seraronine Syndrome), and I had a xanax addiction that I ‘fixed’ or im on the way.

Anyway; ever since doing a year of fertility treatments (on a break now), my nervous system is out of whack like never before.

I have been depressed I know what depression is. This is not depression. My mood cycles 3-4 times a day.

In some ways its worst than depression before of going from happy to sad to anxious.

Im really exhausted. I just read that sometimes SSRIs lower dopamine activity. Could trying to go off one or reduce one help?

This combination was given after a few months of being catatonic burnout as a last resort and ‘worked’ for years until the year of hormone injections.

Please.. i feel crazy. I need to leave this hell. It may also be xanax long term effects…

I go to the gym, I meditate, i see my friend , I hold onto my job - but when I tell you.. I am only able to do this because im using the adhd nervous system tool box like its no ones business like truly truly I am keeping it together by … FORCe yes im thankful but.. the fluctuating is a hell different than when I was catatonic .

I have lived in 3 countries always living back in my home country for a while. Its always been 3 years (University/ skipped foundation year) , then 2 other countries.

Today I randomly feel.. like my life is just random. Nothing bad or good about this.

But I wonder what does it feel like to ‘belong’. When I go home new places opened others closed. Family is getting older.

I want to say Im having an our of body experience . Its worth mentioning I startes a new job 2 months ago, and was a VERY bad time right before . 2 losse. I finally feel somewhat ‘ok’ about my job.

Maybe my nervous system doesn’t want me to move on.

I love really deep conversations and hate shallow conversations. I dunno how or why this fits in here but I always need more depth from basic things

I feel like that is somehow connected to this feeling

I really need to discuss this book in depth. I know there is a film but let’s focus on the book.

This is a Memoire 2005 my Jeanette Walls. Man what a ride. I had to wfh today to finish it yesterday. I was meh in the beginning but the more it went on I felt like I couldn’t put it down.

I personally have a complicated family too and a ‘whacky’ father, so I related to the book quite a bit.

I did find myself reading it as if it was a thriller/fiction at some points holding my breathe from the moment they talked about the Piggy Bank. I knew the father would find it. But when he whipped Jeanette and frekking pawned her out in a bar for snooker money I was so disgusted and disappointed.

My dad is complicated (extremely)- infidelity/ bad with money etc but he never ‘sold me’. Im sure he would have kicked anyones ass who I wanted him too even though he was an irresponsible mess.

But I appreciate how she loved him anyway.

I saw people saying the way she discussed it was very matter of fact lacking depth and I disagree. I feel like it reminded me of Elizabeth Strout - because sometimes the things that are unsaid are even more impactful.

I really feel it changed my brain chemistry. I felt love - I felt rage, and I even felt jealousy at the closeness of the siblings in the early years… even though I was close to one of my two brothers whw younger im closerr to the other one now.

We all speak regularly and see each other regularly ish including my mom - but I YEARN for the same closeness I had as a kid. Jeanette doesn’t seem to miss that all that much

But there is just something about bigger than life people you can’t help but love

I could just go on and on….

When he came up the 1000 dollars for her university.. it was so painfully touching even though im still mad

Also what ended up happening to the land? Don’t they inherit it when she passes??

Do you guys think she exaggerated any parts.

I haven’t worked out in 2 weeks , so I went to the gym today. 30 minutes weights, 30 minutes cardio split warm up and wind down.

I was NOT in the mood but I did it. Came home had a protein shake with / bag of small Cheetos. Is this ideal?! No. Is it better than cheetos and mcdonalds and no workout?

Yes. Workout is a hobby to me now. It works.

I even increased weights one of of my workouts exercises.

I tend to do 2 weeks consistent. 1 pathetic week etc . But overall for two years this is so much better than not being able to walk up the stairs easily

Im 42 and 2 years of weight training and careio combined at least 10 times a month; has done me wonders

Dunno who needed to hear this

I turn 42 in August I had a miscarriage in Feb at 6 weeks 5 days, and since then been embryo banking. Now waiting for the results of my 4th ER/ surgery was Wednesday so I will know more on Monday.

6 eggs 4 fertilised. I have 7 frozen non pgta tested. Anyway that really isn’t why I am writing this post I just need to talk.

While I am anxious for the results- I find myself just SO sensitive the more time passes. Maybe today is heightened because I am coming off stims? I just feel so lonely.

Two of the ‘close’ people in my life just don’t check up on me or show up the way I expect.

If I make plans they join listen intently and are nice people but I have to initiate. And it physically hurts- like… what is this and who am I?

Also a friend who graduated from IVF doesn’t make plans because she has a newborn fine but I would still expect her to check in more. She does a bit but like the minimum.

The point is I find myself uncharacteristically sensitive about everything and I am tired of it. It feels silly and so so lonely and hard to explain.

Partner is supportive now, wasn’t as supportive at the start but has learned how hard this is.

I have had many jobs. Some good some bad.

Right now I have a job that isn’t ‘bad’ nor great. Anyway Its flexible I have to go in 2-3 days a week.

I find it impossibly hard to go in. I can go to the movies dinner the beach, no problem.

But because my boss isn’t in this country and there is lack of accountability , I find myself really struggling.

The place also doesn’t feel ‘safe’ to my mind for some reason.

The way the cubicles are- I dunno something is weird.

My previous job was emptyish I was fine with it .

Its also a ridiculous long drive .

Any unhinged ADHD suggestion to make me go in more.

At some point I will be discovered and fired. I always struggled to do 9-5 but this is ridiculous.

Im just SO uncomfortable

I consider myself resilient but as someone who is on my 4th ER, and triggered last night - I feel in my life there is before and after IVF. Especially considering the miscarriage I had.

I am so bloated. I had taken tomorrow off work , but had to take today off as well.

For those who are not that emotional during stims and after EFT how does it feel to be god’s chosen people?

I am tired of myself complaining or even just feeling low.

I’m always shocked by those who did 10+ ERs.

Also my doctor said this round may not yield the results I want and gave me the option to cancel or stim for more days but I decided to go ahead because I can’t do this again (that’s how I feel now).

It’s just so lonely. Partner is supportive but even him- he can’t really understand.

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Update to say I meant to say ER follicles comparison in the title.

I have done 3 ERs this is 4th. Brain not working

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Hi, all.. how many eggs do you think I will get. I wanted 10 frozen/ banked since I have 7 blasts untested I was planning 3 more before EFT since im turning 42 in August.

I am triggering tonight but also did antagonist to stop early ovulation.

Im not including the tiny ones from cycle comparison.

Current cycle (mm)
23.0
20.8
20.8
14.5
13.2
11.5
10.4
10.3
8.7
Plus small follicles.

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Doctor saud the 23 is too big and i’ll
Like lose it with the trigger… and he said we never know what will catch up and what won’t

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Im listing here previous cycle for reference I got 5 embryos and 4 blasts - this was the most similar cycle . (All abnormal) but hoping for a better result now. Im 42 in august the all abnormal/ no euploids I was 41.3 which is why im so worried. I wont get the chance to do pgta now

17.5
14.5
13.3
12.0
11.5
11.5
11.4
11.0
5.4
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He said this exactly “don’t expect the same results of blasts. We can cancel if you want”.

I opted to go ahead. Because I already paid for the meds and took the day off on Wednesday.

Just an FYI this time I did menapour the previous were without .

No live birth. 7 frozen embryos so far was hoping for 10 before this ER 4 last and final since we are not allowed to do PGTA.