u/DependentWise9303

1 month into a new job.

My friend died my first week, and I had a miscarriage (in Feb) before the job but still in treatment.

I need this money for my treatment. I also need money… generally and overall to live. My partner is okay but no kids yet.

I job hop mike many ADHDErs but this is EXTREMe behavior. Its a typical office typical politics high stress which I used to thrive on but I joined burnt out.

I was doing so ‘well’ . Workouts clean food , putting things back in their place .

I have some money maybe 6-8 months but im in the Middle East its a literal warzone (not active now) but job market sucks.

Pls god I don’t want to do something then regret it but I wake up every day miserable barely able to talk and mask to get through the day . I’m doing it but honestly… its…. So hard. So hard . So so hard.

I apologize in advance for how long and winy this is but I would really appreciate some support as no one in my life gets it. My husband tried but.. women carry most of the burden.

Terrified of final ER bot succeeding. At the outset TW I do make blasts , no living children - I am thankful but my mental health now feels down in the pits today.

I am supposed to get my period today/ tomorrow, usually on time ish, and start my last stims cycle soon. I am 42 in August.

I just need to put my thoughts down. Heart is so heavy. I think extra heavy hearted due to pmdd and maybe peri pre period - But I… I am just not ok since yesterday. I swear I was a different person there is before me and after IVF me.

Anyway…

I may have issues due to a holiday in my part of the world but trying to assume I will be able to go through.

Here is my story. 1 year 39 TTC letrozole IUI before IVF. PCOS previously obese lost weight from sleeve. Also have ADHD and Generalized anxiety but always been able to semi manage it until this.

ER 1 40.5 (Different clinic) 11 eggs, 9 fertilized, 6 blasts, all abnormal but 2 fresh transfer.. so out of 7 left after day 3 transfer no pregnancy, 6 made it to blast. A lot of the science says abnormality due to age but I just cannot move on from the doctor freezing at day 3 (even though I know this is something done but not without first trying day 5)- so I genuinely feel the lab quality was bad and/ or freezing unfeeeze wait to grow to day 5 then test caused the horrific results of multiple trisomy. I was devestated and took a 6 month break now Im so mad I did that because of time but I was heavily impacted my the meds first time around and for some reason a few people said it’s not normal on the IVF sub which made me think I should prioritize my health. Looking back I wish I didn’t and just went for another ER:

Just like many many people I was stupidly optimistic. Anyway that clinic hurt me in so many other ways emotionally too with toddlers in the waiting room and more.

Now new clinic, I decided to stop pgta. I think our part of the world doesn’t have the best clinics pgta isn’t normal has to be sent out etc etc.

So; ER 2, 5 eggs, 4 blasts, fresh transfer double, pregnancy, normal location, miscarriage in Feb 6 weeks 5 days.

I think every miscarriage is hard- but mine was so… how can I explain… SLOW. Always on the ‘not ideal but you aren’t out: let’s monitor’ which lasted 10 days but felt a year long… I wasn’t bleeding then weird hcg then no heartbeat but told come back, but keeo taking progesterone.. then bleeding but just a but hcg still rising… it was fucked for lack of a better word.

I truly believe the combo of the abnormal blasts ( I know im lucky I make blasts so I hope this isn’t tone deaf but all being abnormal messed me up) this + the … worlds slowest miscarriage has put me into depression that is only getting worst/ not better.

Anyway after miscarriage I was 41.5 went straight into suppression and banking got 10 eggs, 7 fertilized , 5 blasts . Now I have 7 frozen all not tested.

I will try each and EVERY one. Even after my miscarriage and knowing the risks. Because I won’t do more than 4 ERs.

Anyway preparing for last ER and had multiple drinks over past 4 days, and now feel like I ruined everything.

This was my last chance why did I do this…. i want to maybe wait but again.. AGE AGE AGE

Was healthy gym all the supplements for ER 2 and 3- So I am considering whether I should do the ER now or next month.. but then again as I keep getring told over and OVER - nothing hurts quality as bad as age.

Anyway. That’s my story it anyone read all or this this, thank you.

I have a lot of self hatred for not pushing for IVF at 39 and listening to my husband and obviously regret of not freezing embryos earlier.

Lastly, just an fyi we have no insurance- my job feels completely pointless and I am thinking of quitting even with how bad the market is because I think I’m not performing well and will get fired.

In a managerial position and there are so much politics + weirdness .

My hobbies feel bland these days. Lonely. Even with husband because he ‘understands’ but.. not really.

And also like many of you I have gotten so many painful comments ranging from maybe this isn’t gods plan for you, to “at least you know you can get pregnant “.

Anyway. This was sooo long and winy. I’m just exhausted and this is the ONLY place I feel seen.

Btw. Lost my uncle and my very close and wonderful friend and had a war breakout during all of this - No exaggeration at all. And It also destroyed me and happened during 3rd Stims. I think I just realized why I am so afraid of the 4th stims… I hope you don’t mind me using this as a journal lol…

Hi I got down to 0.125 xanax at some point something bad happened I went back up to 1 xanax a day (down from 2.5 a day), but this weekend I drank every day.

I fooled myself that it would be fine it isn’t. This will pass and go back to baseline anxiety right??????!!!??

Do I tough it out today since the new dose of xanax even the higher one was maybe 1.5 months and I was fine ish.. ?

I would like to say I won’t drink again its not worth it but I do this. Always.

The 0.125 was so good I was almost off I could see the light was so proud but life really through me a curveball at that time and took the thing I wanted the most away

42 in august. AMh 3.75 a year ago.
ER 1 , 11 eggs, 6 blasts.(40.5)
ER 2, 5 eggs, 4 blasts (41)
ER 3, 10 eggs, 5 blasts 41.5)

I stopped testing after first ER for personal reasons . Im just pissed off thst pcos that plagued me my entire life doesn’t seem to be yielding the insane numbers that other pcos people are getting. Wth is this.

Second IVF fresh transfer miscarriage. Now 7 frozen going for ER 4 and final.

Pcos caused me mood swings.. iregulat periods.. pmdd… obesity.. nowwww thw ONE thing I know is ohh we have lots of eggs .. well where are mine?

Sorry. Tough day

1 ER high blasts all anauploid, improvement in euploids in egg quality round 2 and 3 although I stopped testing due to changing countries just higher grades. I stopped drinking for ER 2 and 3, and preparing for ER 4.

I don’t want to ‘overdo it’ just a drink 1-2 drinks a day this weekend over 3 days, after 6 months of not drinking (including my miscarriage in feb) .

I might start stims in a week but if the holiday is ONE day light (Eid in the middle East) which can only be predicted closer to the date than I can’t do stims and will wait another month. Just really tired of everything on hold

Hi all, I had a miscarriage at 6 weeks 5 days, did 2 weeks suppression and immediately did egg retrieval (period before retrieval april 6, after April 14 ) happened to m before (irregular periods due to pcos buttvb I only got 10 eggs).

Anyway period is due in under a week or so depending (max my tracker is off is 3-4 days)… was planning 4th ER , but it feels like stims day 4 or so - Soreness - have I just become hyper aware of my ovaries?

Its not painful enough that I cant move I played paddle yesterday but now after a long car ride I put a heating pad on. I would say sore 4/10 .. my period was normal like the usual whatever that is.

I have never felt this before

Any podcasts you or audiobooks or advice to help navigate grief and stress of infertility on an otherwise successful/ happy marriage/ together almost 10 years.

I can’t seem to get through to him on how he needs to show up for me and maybe I am also confused myself.

When I was briefly pregnant before my miscarriage we were happier but it took the worst hit after the miscarriage even worst than TTC. We are just in our own worlds

I miss having drinks with him, I feel like not having any takes the fun out of date night…

Anything that actually worked for someone else… we are fine in groups the house just feels so quiet and empty

We didn’t have issues before the 2 years of TTC started at 40, im turning 42 in August.

Im angry he seems to be relaxed about everything but be says it wouldn’t be good if we were both stressed.

I may also be jealous he works from home works less hours than me with occasional ups but still seems to be exhausted all the time. (From what? Doing it in a cup? ) OR is he upset and not showing it

He makes more than me and has been covering the fertility treatments which aren’t covered by insurance here which is sweet and I know he wants this too. But something isnt right. I cant explain it but I guess I have..

I felt closer to him during the miscarriage in Feb than now.

He is just very quiet and I find it hard to make conversation. He ‘supports’ me in my down moods take physical care but the … I dunno the emotional tie of it isn’t there.

The bedroom has obviously also taken a hit but I always had lower libido than most before ie once a week was enough for me.

Hi I liked all Lisa Jewel thrillers. I liked Steve Cavemaugh Fifty Fifty, and I LOVED the push.

Any suggestions ? Of Steve Cavenaugh should I do the entire Eddie Flynn series starting with The Defence or go straight to Thirteen .

I’m at a new job after having been through some hard times. So in addition to the usual over stimulation and masking my soul is tired.

Still I am managing to mask but for some reason I started to hyperfixate on how I feel every second of the day.

Maybe im fixated cuz in the past month im getting daily panic attacks but I keep getting so tired from talking in meetings..

Morning starts fine then work happens I manage to get one thing done but it piles up then my nervous system collapses and I disassociate and become actually afraid.

When I dont have back to back calls I can talk a walk splash my face watch a video its ok… but I used to be able to do this… at least in the beginning of work until I get bored. The job is TOO new for me to be this jaded.

Maybe I just met too many people in my love from job hopping and I can’t do it but I need to .. and to a degree I am (even working out 3x a wwek but mostly for mental health but Im doing it) but im tired oh so tired ….. can anyone relate is this adhd , or mild depression??? I had severe depression I couldn’t mask

I felt ‘lost’ at work and didn’t feel THIS bad

Spoiler warning

Anyone else was holding their breath when Vidala was checking Hulda worried for some reason it wouldn’t be her period

I hope the mode find this ok… but We are all over consumed with our IVF pain but I am trying to still LIVE even through the pain. What is something fun or a nice moment you had this month/ week.

I went to an escape room with a group of friends 2 weeks ago. I love waking up to my pomeranians babies loving on me every morning when I have my coffee I watch them play and my heart fills with love/ moment of Joy I didn’t know I am capable of still after so much.

I had the best steak the other night.

I am looking forward to The Devil Wears Prada 2 in the cinema even though it’s already out on TV! I plan to buy the popcorn with the bag strap.

I’m tired of waking up with dread. I eventually feel better after sunshine coffee movement meditation. Even happy some days but the morning gloom sucks. It went away for a while but its back.

Yeah life isn’t amazing but I’m still grateful for a lot of stuff but the intensity of this feeling is ridiculous honestly.

I know some people experience this - anyone been able to solve it??

I did suppression twice so far. Once with norethisterone and once with Birth control. I have pcos but medium responder. Never got more then 10 eggs.

I got more blasts with Birth Control (specifically Diane) not sure if they have that in America. There is limited Data Diane specifically works for PCOS suppression rather than the other one.

I’m thinking of going rogue and trying the BC to time my period rather than use the progesterone suppression.

Should I buy the portable microscope since I am a beginner or it’s boring?

Any suggestions for someone totally new here.

Or are there sites for used microscopes that are not bad quality

Has anyone listened to the two back to back latest episodes about the belated apology from Nonda to Christy- “What if your childhood bully actually apologized” and what if a Tornado helped heal old wounds? I found Christy especially good at story telling and of course good for Nonda for turning her life around. But the entire story of both their families and the turnado etc was very interesting.

Please bare with me. This is a long post I just have no one to talk to especially about DE which is super Taboo here. Arab Muslim born woman. Dedicated to having a kid and trying as hard as I can in all avenues.

Mt first retrieval waw in a county that does PGTA my home country Bahrain. Second and 3rd country that doesn’t where we work (Saudi Arabia). I couldn’t keep taking time off to go to Bahrain nor my husband we need these jobs to support this process nothing is covered by insurance. Hospital and doctor are very good though.

I was 40.5 first retrieval in Bahrwin (husband 3.5 years older) . 7 blasts all abnormal. Forced to discard.

Yes I am taking all the supplements coq10 etc and specific to Pcos myoinosotol which has actually had a massive positive impact on mood regulation.

I stopped drinking (I was drinking heavily ish until stims first time) drinking legal in Bah and Saudi isn’t so in a weird way was better for me that I work there lol… im not an alcoholic but enjoy wine . Anyway husband started taking vitamins too.

ER 2- (41) 4 blasts , 2 fresh teansfer pregnancy ended week 6 day 5. (2 frozen) - from what I can see from first ER the multiple trisomies are VERY unlikely to have implanted - possible but really unlikely wasn’t one issue was 2-3 each embryo. So I ‘feel’ quality improved from no drinks working out better protocol but no way to know for sure since no PGTA.

Loss sucked so bad but im dedicated.

ER 3 5 blasts all frozen cuz was showing OHSS.

Saudi also don’t keep anything low grade so all these blasts are ‘good looking’

Now I have 7 frozen blasts non PGTA im 42 in August.

Should I bank more embryos or no without PGTA or should I start transferring. Does embryo banking with no PGTA have a point?

I can do a 4th ER next month. We don’t have any coverage in the Middle East but can afford it so far its reasonable. For sure this would be my last effort before going to DE which I would need to keep secret from my entire family who are .. well more Muslim than I am and consider it wrong.

Should I transfer what I have and just fast track to DE or do one more round to increase Euploid.

DE idea itself took a bit of convincing for my husband but he said ok in the end- I would move to it immediately it there wasn’t such complications society wise having to travel for it etc etc etc in addition to the cost and everything else.

Anyway I wrote so much because I don’t have anyone to talk to. Finding good Therapists is hard here let alone specialists in infertility so please bare with me.