u/Enough_Concentrate90

Regular couples counseling is probably a bad idea.

I remember going to a therapist who didn't specialize in betrayal trauma and talking about emotional affairs. The therapist would paint my wife's reactions as unreasonable; they weren't. I was just gaslighting, and the therapist didn't have the tools to deal with it.
These emotional affairs eventually progressed into sexual infidelity. The therapist did no one any favors, and she wasn't wrong; she just wasn't equipped. She tried to stay neutral, and my wife needed to be protected. When infidelity is going on, professional resources really need specialized training; healing is very difficult without it. In some cases, it can do active damage.

When my wife and I started seeing therapists who specialized in betrayal trauma, we started to heal. Emotional affairs are betrayal; it is infidelity even if "nothing happened" -- something almost always happens, FYI -- and it breaks things in a very real, measurable way.

We just launched a professional directory at a cost to us, with resources that exclusively specialize in betrayal recovery.

Crigne at the plug but someone needs this and we are losing money on this so go for it: https://www.t30journal.com/professional-directory

We built this for the stretch after discovery, when people need somewhere to talk through triggers, disclosure, boundaries, accountability, and the decision to rebuild or separate. Both betrayed partners and people taking responsibility can participate. It is peer support, not therapy, surveillance, or proof that someone is safe.

We published a blog on my company page, and I shared it on a subreddit that allows promotion. Ive never gotten so much hate. Porn is a crazy idol; I can't imagine being a partner who feels betrayed by porn being gaslit this hard.

I'm stunned the subreddit is literally for people who had affairs, and the gaslights burn real bright. Also its telling people just can't walk by. I want to commend this community because this is an unpopular and correct view. Porn is an active evil in our world for all impacted parties, including performers.

Ive been looking at this thread, and I honestly think the notion of AI therapy is a mistake. My take mental health is not an information problem. No amount of giving the right explanation, remembering enough context, and staying available at 2 a.m. can heal... it always hits empty.

I think AI therapy is trying to solve a nervous system problem with information. If information worked, self-help books would've cured everyone by now. We're missing the point... We need people, not facts.

A friend that will pick up the phone at 2 a.m. is far, far better than a large language model on an AWS server somewhere using a Bayesian classifier and a 26-dimensional grid to guess the next right word.

Relationships are scary and hard and messy and complex, so AI can feel safe. However, it's trying to cure cancer with a band-aid; it simply can't touch the wounds we carry in the same way a person can.

That begs the question: what is the role of AI in mental health?

Our strategy at T30 is to leverage AI to identify patterns and ask questions to steer our customers toward health. We would never want someone to use our tool in place of a therapist; human connection still matters. There's a really hard balance to strike: how do we use AI as a tool, not a therapist?

As someone formerly wayward, I keep coming back to this question: when a partner says porn felt like cheating, how do we hear the impact without turning the conversation into an argument over whether “cheating” is technically the right word?

People may define infidelity differently, but secrecy or broken agreements can still damage trust. For me, the more useful focus is what the other person experienced and what taking responsibility looks like afterward.

I’d value hearing what has helped other wayward partners (or betrayed partners) remain open during conversations like this.

For transparency, I’m one of the founders of T30 Journal. This subject comes up often in the recovery and trust-repair work we provide tools for; it seems like these are never easy conversations. I've personally just started to opt toward the idea that my BP's experience is valid, and it counts. They get to decide what fidelity is in our marriage, not me. Forsake all others should mean ALL others.

https://preview.redd.it/9wx382vl1thh1.png?width=1142&format=png&auto=webp&s=78e409f6e90dbc7af02c01ea5049dab8656dc4a6

I keep seeing people say their app isn't doing well... Guys, my app is doing well. This is the definition of well. Also, 20% of my users have converted to paid.

>

Trust is rebuilt through consistent behavior, transparency, emotional honesty, and follow-through. That work does not only happen in therapy. It happens between therapy sessions. It happens in ordinary moments, schedule changes, emotional triggers, moments of temptation, late nights, travel, conflict, stress, and the repeated choices that either create safety or create more uncertainty.

Pornography addiction grows through hidden patterns: deleted history, private rituals, half-truths, minimized behavior, secret accounts, emotional withdrawal, and promises that are made after the damage is already done.

Recovery has to become more than “I will try harder.”

The goal is not to perform recovery.

Thats where Checkins come in!
A check-in is not just a quick “I’m good.”

A real recovery check-in asks better questions:

• What am I doing and who am I with?
• What am I feeling today?
• What do I need?
• Where am and how does that location make me feel?

The person in recovery may not always recognize what they are feeling until the pattern has already escalated. Regular check-ins help slow that process down.They create a record of what was happening before a hard moment. They help the person in recovery move from vague awareness to specific ownership.

Not “I don’t know what happened.”

But, “I can see what was building.”

Disclaimer: I am a cofounder of T30Journal.com and I am posting this because Ive seen a lot of guys struggle with how to go deeper than "I've relapsed"... Some of us need more data.

Ive been building an app in the recovery space. I think first and foremost about my customers. It seems like a lot of developers are thinking about money first. I'd recommend caring about the humans on the other side as a first priority; most of the "challenges" start to fade with that. ESP motivation struggles.

Im just wondering because I know a lot of guys think "when I am married this goes away" ... For me it didnt.

For me, relapse is a function of shame in some way, shape, or form. When I start believing I dont matter, others don't care, or it's futile or hopeless, I am at risk of a relapse. If I start believing I am bad, defective, hopeless, or useless, I am at a huge risk of relapse.
For me, my relapses are often about re-enactment of abuse, so when I believe at some level I deserve abuse, I will move toward re-enacting abuse.

This is the hard thing about quitting, Im not defective my brain just gets reminded of abuse and shame and then looks for a way to manage it. Self-awareness is the game; my body has kept the score in the form of an addiction.

Why? thats all I have to say about that.

Doing stuff in highly regulated spaces... if you are a founder you better be all in on that community, I am but it's not for the faint at heart. That said a lot of people are building apps for high reg and they have no idea what they are doing. Harsh reality people are going to get hit with 7 and 8 figure fines for a vibe coded app... Its not an if its a when.

If you dont know what and where to file a 4, 7, 30 and 60 for your market... and you haven't gone through the process to get cyber you need to stop and ask yourself.. Do I need a team? Do I really want to build more? Do I want to get some funding? Do I need to hire a security engineer?

You get a record number of downloads and purchases, and then you get no traction. It messes with your head; it's a marathon, not a sprint.

I'm generally of the mind that sexual integrity, full stop, is the objective here. Last night I relapsed in a very weird way; I didn't masturbate, I didn't look at porn. I fantasized and then read some erotic literature and then stopped.
Has anyone else ever had a relapse go weird?

https://preview.redd.it/wcpc34lv8meh1.jpg?width=1080&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=d7226f61627770d3fdada57dfd689d5801b06913

Have you ever had a relapse go weird? I engaged in fantasy last night, but I didn't finish. I didn't look at porn; I did read a little bit of erotica, but I stopped myself. It was weird. Anyone else ever have this happen to them?

This isnt a legalism stance its a do I see people as deeply loved and infinitely valuable. That includes myself, see my inner circle behaviors extend to the areas of my soul I dont want to own including self harm. This wasn't an extreme version of it, but it is a pattern of behavior that will lead me down a path of destruction. There are many people who wouldn't count the way I acted out yesterday as a reset of a sobriety date but if I am honest it is.
Luckily for me this acting out is not as painful for my wife, it doesn't feel as consequential to her but I know Fantasy, sitting on secrets, and self harm... Can go from here to a binge faster than I care to admit.

Its not about the streak its about becoming who God is calling me to be.

https://preview.redd.it/8ziuijlld9dh1.jpg?width=1080&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=0e870ea7a5f09400ffcbabfd46e98d90f93a16de

https://preview.redd.it/rq9kqrr1v3dh1.jpg?width=1080&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=38b7d6b2514155f67ebf4bed92156b25c6d87f53

Im kind of doing the escapism thing and I need to be careful. I did reach out to my sponsor, and I very much did struggle through the day.

When major stresses happen and you would revert to inner circle behaviors what do you do?
In my case I took my kids to camp, and literally went to the wrong location had to drive 40 mins extra, they were late to camp and I was late to work. Stuff like that would be act out fodder in the past. I caught myself doing edging behaviors and realized the day was going sideways.

Im glad I didnt relapse, it was really close today.