Final Result: GamerLegion 1-2 Mouz
Map 1: Mirage - Mouz Pick - Gamer Legion 11-13 Mouz
Map 2: Ancient - GL Pick - Gamer Legion 22-19 Mouz
Map 3: Nuke - Decider - Gamer Legion 11-13 Mouz
Game Link: https://www.hltv.org/matches/2396600/furia-vs-aurora-esports-world-cup-2026
Player name "Crooked"
steam://rungame/730/76561202255233023/+csgo_download_match%20CSGO-yrS4k-RPKui-JwYXF-qeAib-KjNpP
I am simply at a loss as to what to do. I practice constantly and it never works, I'm getting worse and worse every passing day. How can I enjoy the game when all I do is fail and get flamed (as I did this game) because I'm subhuman?
I wanted to watch the football on atm from the start, but obviously skip forwards a bit for when the game actually starts, but apparently if you start from the beginning you just...cannot even move the timer forward a bit? You can on BBC Iplayer.
This is insane, surely I'm just doing something wrong, right?
BBC should have all the WC games I swear.
This is on desktop.
Sorry if this is the wrong place. I can't find a video that's any good for me. Yes, I have tried therapy + medication extensively. More than 99.9% of people. 15 medications and maybe 8-10 long-term therapists; it's hard to keep track of the latter, as they all blend together. Nothing helped.
I don't have the mental energy to type much out atm so I'll just be brief.
I hate myself, I have a low opinion of myself.
I am bad at everything I've ever tried, no matter how hard I try. There is a lot of evidence for this.
My life is, even in fairly objective terms, failing despite hjaving worked extremely hard.
I get explosively angry at myself whenever I fail a new thing, e.g., if I fuck up at my job, if I lose something (I lose things constantly because I am undergoing some sort of cognitive decline), and, a big one, if I do badly at a video game I work hard at.
I try going into it saying I won't get angry no matter what, but then I get angry either way lol.
For me, the main one has always been counter strike (CS). I have put a ton of energy and effort into it, but I just don't improve, I play like shit and am always at the bottom of the scoreboard letting my team down. And then people flame me + bully me most games because of it.
I never have been and never will be toxic towards others. I don't care if they do well or not as long as they're kind and, in the context of counter strike, don't purposefully gamethrow or bait lol. I don't take my anger out on others.
So I get incandescent at myself. I shout at myself, hit myself, bite myself, and generally am filled with anger and misery.
Also, what I don't really understand as much, is that I feel an extremely strong compulsion to, I guess, share my misery. I want the solidarity of others, I guess, so I feel a compulsion to express it to others even if they're sick of hearing it. Even if they're just a completely random person. I just feel incapable of keeping it to myself. It feels like a pressure building up and up and up and I can't physically hold it in anymore, and venting it out to the world lets just a little bit of the pressure out. I guess I am dependent on them, I rely on others as a crutch because I have no means of emotionally supporting myself.
Then once I've had an 'episode' of this intense anger, I feel a deep depression, not numbness but a real intense sadness that feels like a weight on every inch of your body. It is overwhelming.
It's not just this one game, though, it's countless things, as I say. Hell, it's even other games I've tried hard at in the past.
And ultimately I can't have any self-esteem or confidence or self-worth because I am a failure. I actually genuinely am bad at everything.
All the videos I see on this sort of thing assume you actually are good at things and you're just looking at it from a warped perspective. But some people, it is statistically obvious, are bad at everything. Hell, I can legit think of a couple other people I've met in my life who were also bad at everything, and they were also miserable lol. There's no magical force in the world meaning everyone has to be good at something, after all. The world is not so just.
I've never been able to fix this, and it makes any hobby completely unenjoyable for me. Yes, this includes physical sports and artistic pursuits like writing or drawing, too. I love to write, but everything I do write is so shit that I get enraged at it and end up abandoning it or deleting it. I made a Substack but because it makes me so anxious + angry to write (as it's not good enough and I get too anxious to physically be able to write) I have only published 2 articles in 9 months lol, so obviously I have no views and no subs. One of the posts was actually good + I was proud of it, but the other was just ok--not up to my standards, and I can't read it without feeling angry at its lack of quality.
So it's everything. But atm Counter Strike is the main one getting to me. So I thought I'd post it here because it's partly about a video game and the sub is called healthygamergg.
I want to be a success in SOMETHING, just one little thing, having tried so hard at my life just to crash and burn and now be stuck in a shit job with shit pay where I'm treated awfully and I have no pathways to what I want in life. I got a top grade in my Master's from a top 5 university in the world in my subject, and it was fucking pointless because I was too mentally ill to network, which si the only thing top universities are good for anyway. Every one of my course mates is doing far better than me. Everyone I know my age (e.g., old friends from school) is doing so much better than me. God, I can't take it anymore. It goes without saying I am suicidal, but I won't go into detail here.
I don't have fun unless I do well, especially after I've done something for a bit and put time into it. I don't want to fail at everything still. I guess this one is the closest to me but I don't take it out on others like the guy does. And I've tried therapy etc extensively. And ofc that's about other people dealing with someone like it. And it's not just video games for me anyway.
I can't enjoy anything because I outrageously want to be good at things when I put effort into them
Is that such a sin?
My mental health is deteriorating and I can't take it anymore. I can't get through the days anymore with work. I did an Occupational Health Assessment but they won't do any of it and I'm going through the dispute process for that now but it'll be ages and I won't last until tribunal.
I get paid £27,000 in London and I have to take national rail into South London for my commute so I am barely scraping by. I have no savings.
I can't afford to live on SSP. It's not enough money to live on.
I can't carry on with this job much longer because it's intolerable and I'm declining to the point where I can no longer function or do the job.
I can't get another job because I'm unemployable and useless even after countless hours working on my CV with the alumni careers team and doing workshops and so on and so forth.
I don't know what to do.
When I was younger, presumably like many of you, I played a lot of JPOG (Jurassic Park Operation Genesis).
However, I was never that keen on the actual park building side of it, I just liked the dinosaurs and I wanted them to be free.
So I'd pretty much just do the Site B mode and have them roaming free, and I'd just intervene to balance the eco-system (because the game was unbalanced, because the dinosaurs didn't reproduce, etc). It worked reasonably well--enough to enjoy--because of the behaviours of the dinosaurs. They didn't always kill as if they were mindless robots, but they just existed as an animal would, in a basic sense. They'd chill, they'd socialise, they'd be territorial, they'd look for food and water, they'd get scared, stressed, sleepy, etc etc.
JWE, I know, does not work like this. It has them as mindless killing machines. I don't like that.
How does PK operate in that sort of environment? If you just made an island and let'em go free in it. Does it function? What's the experience like? This would be in Sandbox mode ofc. That's honestly the only reason I'd get the game lol. It's not like there's a nature sim game out there that's any good, so park sims like this are the closest thing.
Thank you.
User: Crooked, 20k-21k atm, was 24k before my month-long decline which has still not reached its floor yet. Bottom frag every game.
http://replay196.valve.net/730/003826924766074241161_1887884428.dem.bz2
https://postimg.cc/rdfHRK69 The extent of my shitness.
I do loads of aim training and I feel ok on it, even in identical scenarios to that which you'd get in a game.
Then I go in game and I can't hit basic shots.
Feels a waste of time to practice because it's like two separate games without any transferrence.
IDK what to do. I play lots already.
I've tried so so hard in my life, but I've failed completely. Everyone else I know is doing better than me. I'm a complete failure. I wanted to be somebody, I wanted to do something I loved, I wanted to make a difference, etc.
Instead I have a miserable job with dismal pay, an extremely long and expensive commute, discriminatory management, no social life, and a fiancee who deserves so much better than me.
I've tried so hard. I went to a top university and got top grades, I pushed through anxiety to try and make friends and connections blah blah, I put countless hours into job applications and university and school, and none of it meant anything.
The career options that interest me are now irrevocably closed off, and, worse, I can't even get a 'slightly-less-bad' job that'd maybe give me some breathing room or financial security.
My job, including commute and getting ready for work, takes up 12 hours of the day. Let's say sleep is 8 hours. Then another hour or so of misc chores and such. That's 3 hours left in a weekday, at which point I'm utterly drained and exhausted, and I just can't do anything but wallow. If I want to exercise or try a rare social outing (I'm never really invited to places) then I'll get even less rest. This exhaustion accumulates day after day after day.
And then I'm somehow meant to do job applications, stay fit, learn new skills, volunteer for more experience (as I can't get professional experience, it seems), have a social life, maintain a healthy relationship with my fiancee, write and read, etc etc. I don't know how I'm supposed to do this. I can't do it anymore. I just can't.
I can't do the job applications anymore--hours just to get ghosted, or, at best, an automated rejection message without feedback. I've done about 1 in the last month as I just can't physically do it anymore.
I can't try and push myself to be social anymore when nobody likes me anyway and I can't maintain friendships because I can't afford to go out much + I'm too miserable to be pleasant company anyhow.
I can't learn Rstudio and Python when I'm too tired to think in the tiny amount of time I've got spare in the average day.
I can't do my trade union rep role because I'm too exhausted and too socially anxious to learn the proper case law and support them without shaking anyway.
I can't make it through the day without self-harming anymore because the emotions are too intense and I'm so hopeless that I don't see the point in repressing it all anymore.
I'm so lonely.
I've tried 15 medications and 10 long-term therapists. Nothing helped.
I don't know how to keep trying anymore. It's not physical exhaustion alone, it's mental exhaustion. It never ends. It never gets better. A weekend isn't enough, and I'm just so hopeless and moribund and mentally drained that I can't get anything done anyway. All I can do is rot away and despair in my own misery, paralysed by the intensity and physical sensations of my emotional dysregulation and disrepair.
I don't know how to get through tomorrow anymore, honestly. I don't know how to get through the next hour. I can't do anything right now because the physical intensity of it all is so great. I can't do anything. I can't even relax. It's too much and it never stops. I just want a break. I just want to succeed for once in my life.
I'm with a mental health team but they're not good enough and they're overburdened because the UK has underfunded its healthcare system for the last 16 years.
I can't do it anymore. What do I do? How do I fix my life? I just need someone to fix it for me and I need to wake up tomorrow so I can magically be happy.
I've tried so so hard in my life, but I've failed completely. Everyone else I know is doing better than me. I'm a complete failure. I wanted to be somebody, I wanted to do something I loved, I wanted to make a difference, etc.
Instead I have a miserable job with dismal pay, an extremely long and expensive commute, discriminatory management, no social life, and a fiancee who deserves so much better than me.
I've tried so hard. I went to a top university and got top grades, I pushed through anxiety to try and make friends and connections blah blah, I put countless hours into job applications and university and school, and none of it meant anything.
The career options that interest me are now irrevocably closed off, and, worse, I can't even get a 'slightly-less-bad' job that'd maybe give me some breathing room or financial security.
My job, including commute and getting ready for work, takes up 12 hours of the day. Let's say sleep is 8 hours. Then another hour or so of misc chores and such. That's 3 hours left in a weekday, at which point I'm utterly drained and exhausted, and I just can't do anything but wallow. If I want to exercise or try a rare social outing (I'm never really invited to places) then I'll get even less rest. This exhaustion accumulates day after day after day.
And then I'm somehow meant to do job applications, stay fit, learn new skills, volunteer for more experience (as I can't get professional experience, it seems), have a social life, maintain a healthy relationship with my fiancee, write and read, etc etc. I don't know how I'm supposed to do this. I can't do it anymore. I just can't.
I can't do the job applications anymore--hours just to get ghosted, or, at best, an automated rejection message without feedback. I've done about 1 in the last month as I just can't physically do it anymore.
I can't try and push myself to be social anymore when nobody likes me anyway and I can't maintain friendships because I can't afford to go out much + I'm too miserable to be pleasant company anyhow.
I can't learn Rstudio and Python when I'm too tired to think in the tiny amount of time I've got spare in the average day.
I can't do my trade union rep role because I'm too exhausted and too socially anxious to learn the proper case law and support them without shaking anyway.
I can't make it through the day without self-harming anymore because the emotions are too intense and I'm so hopeless that I don't see the point in repressing it all anymore.
I'm so lonely.
I've tried 15 medications and 10 long-term therapists. Nothing helped.
I don't know how to keep trying anymore. It's not physical exhaustion alone, it's mental exhaustion. It never ends. It never gets better. A weekend isn't enough, and I'm just so hopeless and moribund and mentally drained that I can't get anything done anyway. All I can do is rot away and despair in my own misery, paralysed by the intensity and physical sensations of my emotional dysregulation and disrepair.
I don't know how to get through tomorrow anymore, honestly. I don't know how to get through the next hour. I can't do anything right now because the physical intensity of it all is so great. I can't do anything. I can't even relax. It's too much and it never stops. I just want a break. I just want to succeed for once in my life.
I'm with a mental health team but they're not good enough and they're overburdened because the UK has underfunded its healthcare system for the last 16 years.
I can't do it anymore. What do I do? How do I fix my life? I just need someone to fix it for me and I need to wake up tomorrow so I can magically be happy.
Took a bnreak because I was on a long slump, played for a while now and I feel even worse than before even after playing a lot since coming back. It hasn't helped. I feel so hopeless. I'm trying so hard and nothing ever works. I'm so worthless and bad at everything I try.
I don't want to give the Saudis money, and I don't want to really give them that much access to my PC because it just seems insane to have to fuck around with my BIOS for them. In any case I have a 7th gen CPU so I can't enable TPM 2.0
Is there a non-Saudiyya faceit equivalent, or do they just have monopoly these days?
I've only had it for like 25 days.
It won't turn on.
It just goes from the Boox logo to a white screen and back. When
No damage in any way, no idea how this could've happened. I can't fix it.
Sometimes it'll turn on for a few seconds and then it'll just go back to the Boox logo again. Sometimes the power options come up as if I'm pressing the power button, though often it just shuts down again on its own.
No, the button isn't jammed or anything.
It has charge, and putting it on charge makes no difference.
The power button doesn't do anything now. It's just stuck in a loop and even if I hold the power button for ages it doesn't do anything.
IDK what to do. I'm so tired of nothing working for me.
I wanted to report a hacker in one of my games but it says insufficient credits (3 out of 5). I thought you got some daily, but I've waited a few days now and I still only have 3.
What gives?
Not asking for recommendations, just the method.
I have a lot of severe, complex, and longstanding issues. I have tried 10 therapists and 15 medications and nothing helped. I am severely mentally ill and have been for 15+ years.
But the directories have thousands of therapists and most of them aren't good enough for my specific complex needs. Or they all sound the same as each other and it's impossible to pick one out. I've tried loads and none of them were useful whatsoever.
I have a lot of issues. Autism, ADHD, obsessive and compulsive behaviours (idk if OCD or not, on the waiting list for an assessment), suicidality, self-harm, depression, anxiety (GAD), anger issues towards myself, self-hatred and low self-esteem, my life is a failure, incompetency, loneliness, hopelessness, emotional dysregulation.
So I need a good one. How how how how how do I find one.
I don't know what to do anymore because I'm sick of spending THOUSANDS on shit mediocre therapists who are completely ill-equipped to support me.
My aim is getting worse. I'm trying really hard to improve but I'm getting worse and worse. Slumped for 2 weeks, took a week off and played for another week and I'm still slumping. I do nade training, I do aim training, I play lots of games and try hard in them all. Hopeless, hopeless, hopeless.
IDK what to do. I ask players in match for help and ideas/tips of what they do because everyone's so much better than me all the time but they just ignore me or are rude to me.
Problem wiuth taking a longer break is that I'm shit at everything else too so not really any reprieve fgrom the shitness outsidfe of when I'm good at CS which is the only thing I'm occasionally good at in my life.
I used that counter strafing evaluation tool that Zero developed. I did it for 4 games and got very similar results, but I'm not sure how to interpret them because:
(A) I was doing it late and early roughly equally.
(B) I don't know what numbers are good and what numbers are bad, so I cannot contextualise it very well.
(C) I'm not sure how to actually improve from there.
I can't really post the screenshots because Imgur is blocked in the UK (thanks, Online Safety Act!), but I'll summarise the games.
Median:
All: 27ms-29ms
Early: 41ms-46ms
Late: 21ms-26ms
Min/Max
All: 0ms/196ms
Early: 2ms/196ms
Late: 2ms/181ms
Std Deviation
All: 40ms-43ms
Early: 48-54ms
Late: 19ms-24ms
Ratio:
Around 45% early, 55% late
Perfect: 6x-20x (ofc influenced by number of rounds, in this case).
Where normal people would be mildly miffed, I get incandescently angry (at myself only).
When normal people would be slightly put off, I get despondent and miserable.
When normal people look forward to something, I get obsessively and fanatically excited.
When normal people feel a bit nervous, I'm wracked with intense, bone-crushing anxiety that leaves me unable to breathe.
I cannot tolerate anything. I cannot manage anything. My emotions are just too intense, especially the negative ones. I rarely get positive ones, and to be fair they can be intense but they're usually comparatively blunted.
They say depression is often feeling numb, but that's not what I feel. I have an extreme intensity of emotion that bores a hole deep into my stomach through to my chest and throat. It lingers for hours, it's uncontrollable, it completely takes me over, and breathing exercises etc don't help at all.
I don't know how to cope with it. Just day-to-day I'm wracked with such intense negative emotions, I'm utterly despondent even over doing badly at video games, over losing things (I lose things constantly), over doing something wrong, etc. I get a panic attack about things as minor as doing the washing up ffs. I cannot function. I cannot do this. I don't know how to cope with it.
How can anyone expect me to live like this? What am I supposed to do?
It's just too much. It's an unstoppable flood and I'm just taken away in the currents. How am I meant to live like this? I can't improve it no matter how hard I try just like everything else in my life.
I can't handle this much more but nobody can help me.
Made this samepost a year ago. It's even worse now.
I put so much effort into everything and all I do is fail.
I fundamentally cannot improve at things. I am genetically doomed to be bad at everything I put my mind to.
I find things without any skill element or competitive element or intellectual improvement element mind-numbingly boring and uninteresting and pointless.
I'm so miserable because my life has failed simply because, despite trying extremely hard at everything I do, I am a complete and total failure and I am useless at everything I have ever put my mind to, from when I was a small kid until now as an adult.
What self-improvement is there to be done? How is there a life worth living for me?
FWIW I've tried 10 long-term therapists and 15 medications and none of them worked.
I cannot improve. I'm just fundamentally not good enough. Not good enough. Never was, never am, etc etc.
Drawing, socialising, networking, Counter Strike, all the different jobs I've had over the years, chess, all the different sports I've played over the years, etc. All these things i put hundreds and thousands of hours into for nothing but misery and suffering and failure,