u/HungryIngenuity7665

I posted this to r/NonBinary originally, but hoping you guys can help me out.

At this point, I think I’m genderfluid. I mainly consider myself transsexual; I have chosen to live as a trans man to get as close as I can to my desire of being physiologically male.

I’ve been passing as a man for several months on HRT. Gender aside, I am much happier in this body, and I’m not waffling on further medical transition. Being a man is still a big part of my identity. I like he/him, I like the interactions I have with other men, and I like being a gentleman.

I do, however, sometimes miss presenting as a woman. Or, at least presenting feminine. I hated being treated as a woman pre-transition, because it was enforcing me being female in some way. Nowadays, I miss feeling pretty sometimes. I like feminine fashion and makeup.

If I lived in an ideal world, I would present super masculine to super feminine, have a male body, and still have people assume me to be male/treat me as such.

I know that I don’t live in an ideal world, though. As progressive as my area is, there is still misdirected transmisogyny I would need to worry about. I don’t think I *can* be taken seriously as a man while being all dolled up. I’m also returning to university soon, and I’m worried about my ability to make guy friends if I’m visibly nonbinary.

Is there any hope for me to be completely fulfilled? I know many people are visibly and proudly nonbinary and live great lives, but I don’t know if that’s possible for me.

I’ve been passing for several months now, and I’m also autistic, so I may not be fully grasping what guys mean when they refer to me with nicknames.

So far, I’ve gathered:

“Boss/Sir” = I respect you
“Man/Dude” = neutral
“Buddy/Pal” = you’re my inferior

I’m now getting an equal mix of all of these at my customer service job. What I don’t understand is, if everyone hates “buddy” and “pal,” why do some guys still say it to others once they outgrow “buddy” status? Is it just a power move/subtle “fuck you?” Are they being dicks intentionally?

It’s worth mentioning I look like a stereotypical “twink,” even though I’m not one by definition, so it could be some homophobia. I’m not sure.

EDIT: I’m from Western Canada (prairies), for context.

And I can definitely why other late-diagnosed autistic people would be upset about it, but I’ve realized it probably did me well. I got my diagnosis yesterday, at 19 years old. Level 1 in all areas.

I feel grateful that my parents chalked my symptoms up to just being “quirks” until now. I was able to have a generally happy childhood, without feeling pathologized. I think if I had this label sooner, I would have felt more alienated than I already did. Plus, I believe being forced to mask has made me more successful in life, even if it is emotionally draining.

This is coming from a place of privilege, for sure. I’m very good at masking and excel in academics without accommodations. Does anyone else relate? I often see the opposite, that people wish they were diagnosed sooner.

And I know I should be looking on the bright side of “hey, at least it’s taken her a year to fuck up” but it stings. My partner then let on that, in private, she reverts to “she” quite often, and they hadn’t told me before because they didn’t want me to get upset about it.

This comes after me having been paranoid about meeting her pre-T, because they told me she has a history of doing this with their trans friends. Even though my partner has never called me “she” in front of her. I didn’t want my likely future mother-in-law to know I was born a girl, if I could help it.

I thought I was immune to it, since I’m nearly 8 months on T and passing. I haven’t got a “she” aside from my own parents in almost half a year.

So now I’m trying to do the mental gymnastics of discerning if it’s because I don’t visually pass after all, or maybe I was too polite and seemed girly, or if it’s just because she clocked me the first time she met me and that will forever be how she thinks of me.

I need to go stealth ASAP. There’s no taking it back once someone knows and this is just proving that to me.

Went over to a guy friend’s house last night to watch a movie. I had fun. I texted my partner before my left and they were happy I was getting out, and told me to have fun.

This morning, my dad asked me if my partner was going to an event I had mentioned. I said I didn’t know, because they haven’t finalized their plans for the weekend yet. He asked if we’re still on good terms. I said yes.

My dad then suggested that they might be mad about me going over to my close friend’s house. When I got offended by that, he said it’s a valid concern because he “knows how guys think” (my partner isn’t out to him as not a guy).

So, all sorts of information that disregards:

- I like women too, so is any time I’m at a female friend’s house also now suspect?
- My partner is also bi. That would be a crazy double standard.
- My dad doesn’t know my friend even likes men. So for him to hit on me, he would have to see me as a girl.
- Not to mention, I’m not a “guy” to him, so apparently it’s impossible for me to understand.

So, for any of his assumptions to be true, everyone involved would have to be straight and I’m, naturally, just a woman with body hair and a deep voice.

This is just driving me fucking nuts because I’m medically transitioning and passing. Nobody has assumed I’m female for months now. My dad is living with a grown man and still sees me as a naive boy-crazy little girl.

I’ve been recovering for a little over a year now. I was pretty much good for the past six months. I like that I don’t look like I’m dying now. I don’t like how I still carry fat in the same places I always have. I’m small for a guy, but not in the right way. I don’t even want to be small. I just need the right proportions.

Decided to go on a small deficit, because I can afford to lose some weight and stay in a healthy range. The plan was to gain it back in muscle. Now seeing the deficit number on my tracker go higher is making me feel better again. I’m liking the feeling of being hungry. Fuck this sneaky disorder.

I don’t experience “trans joy.” I never have. Transitioning has only ever made me feel less depressed, and I wouldn’t count that as joy. I feel constant grief for the life and body that was stolen from me because I lost a draw for which chromosomes I have. There are biological functions that men should have, that I never will, no matter how far surgery advances in my lifetime.

I’m sure this is a case of “get off social media,” and yeah I am going to take a break after posting this. I’m happy some trans people don’t experience this. However, I keep getting absolutely fucking ragebaited by people online who don’t share my type of dysphoria. Not attacking these people, I sincerely hope they have fantastic lives and going forward I will just be blocking things I don’t want to see. The phrase that’s been on my mind the most: “The first rule of transgender is to have fun.”

I sure wish I could just have fucking fun. Nothing about my experience is fun. I hate being trans. I love trans people. The one positive thing I can say is that I’m proud to be a part of a group that is so resilient. I’m just finding it very difficult to relate to many other trans people, both IRL and online. I wish I could have fun. When I’m already feeling terribly dysphoric, seeing stuff like this is just rubbing salt in the wound. Again, my responsibility to block and move on, not anyone else’s problem.

When I am able to, I will go stealth and not look back. I will remain an ally but will no longer be involved with “the” trans community. It’s not good for me, but I’m glad it is for others. I have friendships with individual trans people that are awesome.

Apparently me voicing this makes me transphobic, according to my partner who is non-binary but who does not even identify as “trans.” They do not experience intense dysphoria, and none about their primary sex characteristics. They are so goddamn lucky that they don’t.

The best analogy I can think of is this: I, as a low-support needs autistic person, would never dismiss the feelings of someone with higher support needs. Especially when a lot of online sentiment is “autism is awesome.” Yeah, there are some positive aspects, but it’s ultimately disabling. I would never tell someone they’re being ableist for feeling like their experience of disability is being misrepresented.

So, why can’t the same decency be afforded to me? I do truly love this person, and yes we have talked about this, but I really don’t need to be told I’m transphobic by someone who has no authority on the matter. I have done fundraising for trans charities for years. I have written to government to try to get transphobic legislation overturned. I am not fucking transphobic for wanting to live my life as normal.

7 months on T with good levels and I’ve gone from looking like a 16 year old girl to a 14 year old boy. I’m an adult. Someone came into my work and asked me what grade I’m in yesterday. It’s humiliating. I’m going back to university in September and I’m terrified that I’m going to look out of place. How much longer do I have to wait before I look like a grown man?

My (FTM) partner (NB/M) has dealt with depression and body dysmorphia since we met six years ago. The “dysmorphia” has seemed increasingly more like dysphoria over time. They hate body/facial hair, want to be thinner, and want a more feminine body shape. I feel bad, because truly, they got terrible genetics for possibly looking androgynous.

They came out as nonbinary a few months ago and I did not take it well. They wanted to try they/them pronouns and eventually settled on they/he. I hate to say, I was so relieved they kept the “he.” They don’t have a specific label, but up until now they were “still a dude.”

I asked them hypothetically about them taking HRT last night and they could only come up with “maybe.” They then talked about changing their name, which they haven’t mentioned before. They don’t think they’re a woman, but they don’t know if they’re a man at all now.

I view my (not anyone else’s) transness as a medical condition. I would have probably died without medical intervention. My partner, on the other hand, is a lot more culturally queer than me, and spends a lot of time on places like CWCL. I mention this because I’m autistic and it is much more difficult for me to empathize with people “correctly” if I can’t relate to them. I’m working on it.

I’m just really frustrated because they are so apathetic about their gender and transitioning. I know they don’t owe it to me to make up their mind, but I really wish they would. They refuse to try losing weight or working out to feminize, even though they expressed they want to. They refuse to try dressing more feminine, even though they want to. To be blunt, time is running out if they want to maintain any androgyny. I would have killed for someone to go back in time and tell me I should have started HRT sooner. I don’t want the same for them. I could deal with it if they were either eager to transition or if they were very much cis, but I’m not liking the in-between.

That, and I’m now feeling a lot of pressure to man up. My partner looks and acts so stereotypically masculine compared to me. I don’t know how anyone could see me as the man in our relationship, and that sucks for both of us.

Feel free to leave advice that isn’t just “break up.” If it comes to that, we will. We’ve made it through worse just fine. I know my internalized transphobia is showing here. Not sure what to do about that because I feel like it protects me.

[Edit: Ok, thank you for the responses everyone. Just wanted to make sure I was in my right mind here. Thank you]

Just got news that I will be diagnosed (yes, I’ve already been assessed and know that in itself does not guarantee diagnosis) with autism soon.

My dad, who just completed the parent interview of the process, told me that the assessor said: “It’s very common for autistic people to be trans, because they are looking for identity. Autistic people will have a fluid identity their whole lives.”

Basically, he interpreted this as meaning that me being trans is just a phase.

I’ve had dysphoria since puberty. I found the name for it at 13 and identified as genderfluid. My name has been legally changed since I was 17. I’m now 19 and have been on T for six months. I’ve realized I’m a genderfluid man since then. I have been out as trans of some variety for six years.

My dad panicked when I came out as a man and told him I’m on T, three months ago. He has been grasping at straws for reasons why I shouldn’t medically transition and how I’ll never be a “real man.” He pushed me to get assessed for autism in the first place because he thinks that’s the reason I’m trans.

In short, is there any evidence that autistic people detransition at higher rates than allistic people? Or, has my dad interpreted what the assessor told him in bad faith?

Thanks all.

Your voice is probably the biggest make-or-break for passing.

If you’re getting feedback online that you pass, but you don’t IRL, it’s likely your voice that’s the problem. Inversely, you might not pass in photos, but you can pass IRL if your voice sounds male.

Voice training is useful for ANY trans man, whether you’re on T or not. You should be voice training even if you’re on T, lest you get “frog voice” (unless you’re happy with that, but it sounds unnatural for most men).

If you’re off T, you can’t expect to lower your pitch too much. However, it’s especially helpful for younger guys to train, since it’s forgivable if your voice isn’t super deep.

Look at the resources on r/transvoice. I honestly wing my training, which is not a good idea, so I won’t give specific advice about techniques.

However, when you’re further along, just listen to men speak and try to emulate them. Find a guy’s voice you like and mimic his vocal patterns. This can fix any unnatural cadence.

Any time I flirt back (as a joke), they HAVE to remind me that I’m not their type. Because silicone dick isn’t the same. Or I’m too small. Or they’re not into cuntboys, which I guess is all I am at this point. They could NEVER EVER be attracted to someone like me, and they can’t even pretend for the bit.

All of our friends have hit on my partner countless times. They feel him up or flirt with him in front of me. I swear they want to intentionally piss me off. They’ve never done that to me. Hell, I’m the one who’d probably genuinely have fun with it, unlike my partner. I just feel like a cuck.

I’m just so tired of how they glorify dick. They at least have the decency to treat me like a man in every other sense. Just once it would be nice for one of them to sexualize me as an equal, as stupid of a sentence as that is.

I hate being an ugly in-between who looks five years younger than I really am. I will only ever be seen as equivalent to a eunuch.

I can’t believe the worker I said “I identify as a man” to as a joke ACTUALLY believed me!!!

I have long hair, makeup, cleavage, I’m wearing a dress, and my husband referred to me as a woman already. Was he so autistic that he actually saw me as a man???

What do you mean “ok sir”????? NO!!! YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO FIGHT ME! Trannies are super funny! Haha funny punchline!

I spent at least a minute straight defending myself and assuring him that I’m a woman while he just stared at me. I thought all young men hated Woke these days. What’s with this guy?

/uj This was a hilarious crashout to witness, and even funnier was I *know* she didn’t clock me.

To any (especially young) trans men about to post their face here. You can see the influx of trolls this sub has had over the past weeks.

POSTING YOUR FACE ONLINE IS NEVER A GOOD IDEA. However, this sub used to at least fly under the radar.

Be aware that you risk outing yourself, receiving threats, or unintentionally doxxing yourself by posting here. Always assume that anything you post online can be seen by your family and/or employer.

If you must post your face, hide your location and use a pseudonym. If you can censor your face to ask about something in particular, do that.

You can tell if you pass by how you are gendered in public. There is no need to ask IF you pass here. Figure it out yourself.

Until this place gets mods, consider it unsafe. Even then, consider the internet largely unsafe.

This might be my last post here, assuming I forget about this place for another year.

Everyone says that recovery makes you happier, but I never would have believed that until experiencing it. As silly as that sounds. Who would have thought recovering from a mental illness makes your life better?

I can assure you that no matter how hard you try, you will never be happy with your body with anorexia. You will never be able to out-starve anything you want to dissociate from. You will never have a full and complete life until you recover.

A year ago today, my relationship was falling apart because all I could think about was starving myself. All I could talk about was how awful I thought I looked. Everyone hated being around me, because I was an asshole.

My mom mentioned to me yesterday that I’m now the happiest she’s seen me in my life, ever, and she’s so proud of me. I love not being an asshole because I’m hungry. I love having energy. I love not giving a shit about how I look (although it’s apparently objectively better, now that I have light in my eyes and I don’t look like I’m on the brink of death 24/7). I love being able to think about other things.

Please give recovery a chance and keep going even if it’s hard. Leave this subreddit unless you know you’re using it for good. It took me countless tries. One finally stuck.

I want to be clear when I say that I am not intending to insult the people I’m mentioning. I 100% see them as men, and I look up to several of them. They have done nothing wrong and owe me nothing. This is a me problem.

I keep assuming that medically-transitioned men I meet are trans, and getting confirmation they are. It has been happening a strange amount in my life as of recent.

I’m not doing it on purpose. I feel terrible about it and I wish I could figure out how to stop. I don’t treat anyone differently because of it. Pretty much, I’ll notice the guy’s features, think “maybe he’s trans too,” and then he’ll mention HRT or something in earshot.

These guys are killing it. They genuinely seem so happy and I know no average cis person would think twice about them. I don’t even know if their goal is to pass, and I don’t care either way (no one should). There’s nothing wrong with being openly trans. Hell, I’m openly trans myself. I am so glad they are happy.

I just get a bit sad whenever this happens. I DO want to go stealth one day. I’m just worried it’s impossible for other trans people to remain unaware. Being visibly trans means that people will assume a lot about your past, and your body. I don’t want people to have those assumptions of me.

I know I should mind my own business but my brain just doesn’t work like that. I’m a hypocrite because I hate when other people see I’m trans before I’m open about it. But what can I do? Yes, I’m in therapy. I’m working on it. It sucks though and I feel like such a shitty person.

We are as much of men as cis men are. That’s it.

Shave your shitty facial hair until it grows in properly. Trim your nails. Get a nice haircut and keep up with it. If you’re a grown man, don’t dress like a kid. If you’re a kid, don’t dress like an old man. Get clothes that fit you well. Follow a regular men’s workout routine. Look at regular men’s fashion and grooming advice. Learn etiquette so you can be a gentleman.

It’s ok to not know all of these things intuitively. You can learn.

Many cis guys are short, or look young for their age, etc. The key is blending in with them instead of making yourself stand out by looking unkempt and “new” to being a man.

The unfortunate thing is that we usually have to try harder. But, well-groomed cis guys also put in a baseline amount of effort. Get to that baseline and go from there.