u/Lu4Catss

Never had someone Tell me “Let’s fix this I can’t lose you”

Waiting for you to say “I love you” again.

Every time I think I got better I realize I didn’t get better for shit
I’ve been trying for months why tf can I not get any better

You’re still here, with me.
You still treat me sweet,
You still compliment me,
You still mess with me as a joke,
You still call me cute nicknames,
You still make me feel like you love me.

But something’s missing, always.

I don’t hear you say “I love you” anymore,
I don’t hear you call me by that one specific nickname we had for each other.

“I love you”, you used to say.
It always sounded so sweet, gentle, shy…so loving.
I remember when we said bye and you repeated
“I love you” over and over again for several minutes.

That one nickname.
It’s been there since the beginning and never left.
We found million other nicknames to call each other but that one, that one specific nickname never left.

I have almost all of you yet,
I miss the small things I don’t have…anymore.

I know we can’t talk the way we used to, when we were together but I often wish we could.
I don’t miss the way our relationship was, I miss you.
I don’t wanna find “better” or search for someone/something new.
I want you, only you.
The only “better” I’ll ever accept is you,
A better relationship with you, nobody else.
It’s you, it’s always you, it’ll always be you.

I’m not the most lovable person,
neither do I think I’m unloveable.
I don’t believe many people could love me but
I believe you do.
You don’t say it anymore and the way you act with me is more “casual” too yet something in me believes that your love for me never left.
It may not show strongly anymore but it’s still there, is what my heart believes.
Maybe I’m wrong and delusional but oh…
who other than you knows ?

Someone rip my heart TF out of me. 🥹✌🏻

I listen to music that reminds me of you and think about you until I fall asleep btw.
lol

If God separated us for good why does he not take away the love we have for eachother ?
If we truly are so bad for each other why can’t we be with out one another ?
If our love is bad why is there so much of it ?
If we shouldn’t love each other why do we keep on loving each other no matter what ?
If we have so much love in us why do we have to act like we don’t ?
Why can’t we just love eachother in peace, why is everything so difficult ?

I love listening to music, I do it all the time.
I love my slow songs, the ones that make you fall asleep. I think they’re sweet and peaceful.
But if I had to choose between listening to music alone or with you I would always choose you, no matter which music plays.
When we listen to music together we can listen to sleep songs, loud songs or just any type of song. For me, the song dosent matter as long as your there.
We aren’t next to eachother nor can we see eachother but for me, knowing that we’re listening to the same music, at the same time is more than enough.
I love listening to music alone the only thing I love more than that is listening to music with you, someone I love.
Isn’t doing something you love with the person you love super duper great ?

Sometimes I see your active, listing to music and then I wanna join so we can listen tg but I never do bc I’m to much shy and scared you mby don’t wanna listen to music music w me 🤐

You look so sweet

Yesterday our conversation was pretty good. At the start, a bit awkward but after some minutes we talked normal again which I really liked it.
Today it was weird.
Idk how it was for you but for me it felt weird before we even started talking.
Don’t get me wrong tho Im actually very happy being able to talk to you again.
Yesterday when you told me to watch that movie and tell you about the ending I thought you’re searching for a reason to talk to me or something like that what made me pretty happy.
I think I maybe thought wrong.
When I checked my phone today I was left on opened mind you, we’ve never left eachother on open.
Then when we did talk you told me not to watch the movie you told me about since I said I don’t really understand it which all makes sense but somehow still bothered me.
Maybe it’s just me but this made me feel like you don’t really wanna talk to me.
That pretty much upsets me especially because I thought that just yesterday you searched for a reason to talk to me.
I do think you noticed our convo was not smmmm cheesecake either.
Maybe it’s not you or me making things awkward, maybe it’s our situation.
I mean I don’t act like I normally would so maybe you aren’t either.
I still think about you every time something happens to me, I think about telling you those things but I never do and why ?
Because our situation dosent allow me to act the way I normally would.
I really don’t like our situation.
I hate the way it basically forces me to act so differently form the way I wanna act with you. I’m not used to treating u like wtv this is. It literally just feels wrong being this way.
I won’t text you about this situation I don’t think that in reality it’s a big thing and I know we do not need ts rn.
I just hate hate hateeee this situation im missing you the whole time, thinking about you, thinking about talkin to you but in the end things get awkward all because I can’t be my self with you anymore.
(I would think that’s the main reason so yeah)

What more do you want from me.
I apologized and explained my self multiples times but you only get colder and colder towards me.
More careless, more distant like I’m nothing, never was anything.
I don’t know what you’re feeling or thinking all I know is that it seems like treating me like this is the easiest thing ever for you.
If you would communicate properly and tell me what’s going on inside you maybe I could understand but you don’t communicate.
You just..shut down then down to tell me all good only for you to keep acting that way.
If something isn’t good talk to me, if you talked to me but I don’t understand or smth then alr be cold but man I tried everything from my side to show you I care I don’t have anything left to do.
You don’t talk to me, you don’t tell me anything, you just shut down and treat me like I’m nothing.
Do you even know how much it hurts ?
I wish I could crashout on you and tell you how much this hurts.
I wish I could tell you everything I wanna say.
But I can’t say anything.

Should I just sit here and act like idc, like the fact that the only person I want closeness from is acting distant again all because of my care dosent bother me ?
I can’t even talk to you about it.
I can’t try to really fix things and make them alright.
I can’t tell you I miss you or I love you. Technically I could but I’m scared that I’ll get back nth but coldness. I know I would be extremely hurt then.
I wish I could tell you how much I do miss and love you the way I used to be able to tell, with out fearing coldness.
I can’t even send you a paragraph or something man I can’t do shit all I can do is watch the person I care most about act so distant towards me so shortly after show me their care all because I was too scared to lose them that In the end I did.
I swear I hate my self for this, for ruining everything important to me simply bc I care.

I literally have to be cursed or something because why do i care so much that i always Mess it up ?
Why can’t i just have a normal amount of cars why do I have to care so overly much ?
Like I’ve missed the sweet side of you so much then finally I had but bc I tried so hard not to lose it I did.
Now you’re Bck acting so fucking cold and distant.. God, how much I despite that side.
I don’t despite you, I could never I just hate all this, the way you act rn.
All I want is that sweet side of yours that loves me too but I messed it up ms.
I’m mad at you for acting like this towards me, for making me feel so horrible about something that happened only bc I care but I’m mad at me too for caring so much, trying so much.
Maybe if I didn’t care I wouldn’t worry, I wouldn’t try to find a perfect answer.
I genuinely have so much self hatred for being the way I am. I’ve tried to change it, I’m still trying but all I do is keep on messing things up.
Sometimes I wish I could stop caring about you not bc I don’t wanna care about you it’s more bc if I didn’t care I wouldn’t overthink what means I wouldn’t mess everything up the second you’re being sweet again, I wouldn’t try to be perfect, I wouldn’t be affected by how you act towards me, I wouldn’t feel hurt or upset there would just be no pain.
I can’t say i understand the way you’re acting right now because I would never act this way if I was in your position.
If I didn’t get any answer I would also be upset, that I understand but if I then found out someone acted that way because they care so much about me and didn’t wanna lose that sweet side I would feel so special to have someone with that amount of care for me in my life.
I don’t think you feel that way, I don’t think you feel special because someone cares this much about you. Maybe you’re still upset about getting no answer.
Man idk how you feel or what you think I just hate the fact you can so easily act this way towards me knowing all I do is care.
Idk I hate the way you can act like this towards me, so cold and distant like I don’t matter bc I know I could never but i also know our brains work very differently.
Maybe I have to act that way too ? Maybe I have to act like you don’t matter but then again why would I do that if you matter more than anyone else.
I don’t think you’re careless.
I truly don’t believe you don’t care It just hurts to see how easy it seems for you to act like this.

I’m so desperate to do everything right, to keep everything thats important to me just to mess it up in the end.
Instead of doing what I actually wanna do what’s mostly the best thing to do I start thinking.
I think not just for some minutes but for several hours or days trying to figure out what’s the perfect thing to do. I don’t wanna be too much neither do I wanna seem like idc so I think about what’s the best inbetween.
In the end it almost never goes right.
I end up doing the wrong thing or I don’t even get the chance to do anything.
Either way I mess up.

My intentions are good. I’m just trying to keep what’s important, to not lose what I love but the fact I focus so incredibly much on it makes me lose it.

Day after day I talked abt how much I miss you and the feeling of ur love.
Now today I finally had it again but I lost it quickly.
You told me that you miss me in a very sweet way.
I told you it was very sweet and u said thank you.
I was more than happy when reading all but I also didn’t know how to react.
My first reaction was to tell you how much I miss you too bc it’s literally true I miss you more than anything else but then I was unsure.
I didn’t know what to do and since i didn’t have any real person there to help me I asked AI which def wasn’t good. It told me not to answer or to just answer dry but I didn’t want that so I went to school and thought I’d answer later.
Later, when I got home I thought again that if I answer now you’ll think I didn’t wanna answer earlier. I was so busy trying to find the perfect answer that in the end you deleted your thank you and I never really got to answer.
I wasn’t trying to ignore you or smth I just wanted to find the perfect answer with out pushing you away or being too much but in the end I fully pushed you away. Now again all I have left is the cold distant you.
I really don’t know what to do or how to act.
I had this one chance, this one time you told me you missed me and I messed it up.

When I think about our last real conversation I hear your voice. We didn’t call, we didn’t send any vm and yet in my mind I can hear you say every single word.

I didn’t get to answer you the way I actually wanted to when you said : “Oh Luana why Im missing you sm I never experienced these feelings before I’m gna die”.
So I wrote my own version of it.
I hope if you maybe read this that you’ll like it.
Sorry for not responding properly it’s just difficult to figure out how to respond to you since i can’t do it the way i truly want to.

Oh Abdullah..why am i missing you so much ?

Normally I don’t miss people, I don’t seek their touch, their voice, their presence I’m literally completely fine alone.

I’ve Never experienced this feeling before.
The feeling of missing someone’s touch knowing I’ve never felt it before, the feeling of wanting someone I never even sat next to.
You’re in my mind all the time, no matter if I’m in class, with friends, alone, if it’s 2am and I can’t sleep or if it’s 2pm and I’m doing homework.
Every day, every night, every hour, every,minute and every second my thoughts are full of you and only you.

My heart, it genuinely feels incomplete with out you, with out full of you.
Not because you’re not in it but because it can’t feel all of you anymore.
Its full with my love, care and feelings for you but with out feeling your love,care and feelings for me it feels almost..empty.

I feel like I’m going to die, like my heart needs everything of you that I’ve lost not long ago the way it needs blood to work, to survive.

I normally Sleep with 2 pillows.
One big one and the other is Smaller.
The big one is comfortable and soft, the smaller one..I always used to pretend thats you.
I hugged the pillow every Night, Held it Close, imagining it was you.
Recently my mom asked me if i could give her one pillow of mine.
It would make Sense to give her the Small one since the big ones more comfortable to Sleep on and My Mom already has pillows so she wasn’t in Need of the bigger one.
I still gave her the bigger one.
I kept the small pillow to my Self, I kept you to my Self.
I don’t have you anymore so i wanna atleast be able to still hold you close.
It’s Not the real you im Holding but it’s the closest I’ve ever been to holding you.
So now I Sleep with no pillow under my Head but i get to hold you.
If i have you i don’t Need anything else,
You’re my all bbg.