u/Primary_Butterfly_57

What have I become rather than an ultimate loser?

Humble or is that too much?

My Porn addiction almost destroyed my whole life and future. Yesterday, I faced a national level exam which is the final school level exam that allows a student to apply for a college for a degree(decider exam) and also it's the least requirement to get even the lowest level office jobs.

2022- (science stream -hard difficulty subjects) failed

2023- skipped the attempt

2024- again failed

2025- changed the steam into Commerce (average difficulty) skipped again.

2026- faced yesterday (I couldn't write at least for a minimum pass).

I had potential but I couldn't prepare for the exam. How addicted I was since 2022 I should have studied but with my addiction I couldn't. Somehow each time my priority became watching porn and doom scrolling for hours despite studying and staying holy.

The saddest part is, since 2014 after discovering me watching porn a few times my mom started a FASTING PRAYER on every friday JUST FOR MY BETTERMENT, only for me, she is still continuing that fasting prayer for more than a decade. She is 60+years old now and she is slowly getting weaker and issues in her body

I stayed pure for 6+ months until the december of 2019, after that I only failed even while trying to get up.

Even though I'm a lukewarm prodigal(every Sunday church goer but kept failing back) & a born Christian, If I have anything against the Lord it is my birth itself, my parents absolutely deserve better, even God deserves better.

I became a walking disgrace, my failures are now representing me, I'm afraid to call myself a Christian to a non-believer not because I'm ashamed of His name but because it might be disgraceful to the name of the living God, when a constant failure like me keeps talks anything about God, I don't have so-called fruits, no-skills, no speciality. I don't wanna be a barrier to the gospel. My claim of being a Christian alone will close the heart of a non-believer to accept Christ that's how their first impression would be if they really know me, the reality of myself (I couldn't bring anyone to Christ, I hope the ones who were already with him won't leave Him just because of me. I should make it clear, I never blame God because I abused my own free-will while being a retarded.

Proverbs 19:3 NIV

A person’s own folly leads to their ruin, yet their heart rages against the Lord.

[But I NEVER RAGED AGAINST GOD, WILL NEVER. I'll keep raging against myself, because it's all my fault.]

Proverbs 26:11 NIV

As a dog returns to its vomit, so fools repeat their folly.

And I'm that since 2019. I kept running back in to more than any dog ever woul

Mark 7:28 NIV

“Lord,” she replied, “even the dogs under the table eat the children’s crumbs.”

Since I kept failing God, all it's possible for me now is begging God, asking for a crumb of bread (just passing in my exam is enough if He wills, I don't want A+ or A, passing is enough for now).

And I thought of having a deal with God, that I'd keep studying again hardly, until the exam department release the results of the exam, In that manner even receiving God's grace won't be an injustice to someone who heavily worked hard. Besides those things I'm out of power to do something impactful by my own, to pass the exam)

I'm years behind with my peers, I have missed so many opportunities I barely could have. I feel like God totally made a mistake when He created me for my parents

I feel pity for my mom(she is getting old, and it's difficult for her to wait for another 2 years to see me passing the exam since failed her so many times).

The guilt and regret I collected this far is becoming unbearable.

Still I don't know what God's plan is for me, I wish God had never ever created me because it sounds really peaceful rather than losing constantly.

23M

Pure hearted genuine beings laying down themselves for a friend.

What do you think?

Tbh sometimes I really doubt if I'm really invisible or too ugly to be noticed