I have multiple disabilities, neurodevelopmental, mental illnesses, hereditary connective tissue disorder and a bunch of complications in every organ system. Usually with my caregivers I do things like cook or go out. They fold my laundry, but only while I shower.
Ive realized I never ask them to clean, because I never want to spend my limited energy on it, nor do I know how to do it now that I use mobility aids full time, and it’s already stressful enough at baseline.
But I need my space cleaned. And I don’t know what to do because I feel like I’m doing something “wrong” if they’re working hard and I’m just chillin watching tv or playing on my phone. It feels disrespectful. It makes me feel spoiled.
What do I do?

I feel like a horrible person. I had a nightmare about my male caregiver who is absolutely lovely. I’ve known him for quite a few years before he started working with me at home.
But I had nightmare last night and in the dream there was SA. I feel like a horrible person. I know it’s just my cPTSD from CSA manifesting as a fear dream, but I still feel so guilty. He’s such a good person.

And now I’m so emotionally drained from the distress the nightmare caused me that I cant really do anything. I feel like I’m in autistic burnout again. I’ve been right on the edge of crying all day. I could barely get downstairs this morning to take my meds because of how drained I was. I kept getting stuck for ten minutes every couple stairs.

I feel like shit. I feel so depressed and stuck. I got other shit going on too.

I’ve come to the realization that I’ve kinda given my dad (abuser) an excuse form everything he did. I view my dad as an incompetent parent and my mother as the competent parent. So I blame her, the competent one, for failing me and not noticing the abuse. She did notice the neglect but she didn’t really do much to keep me safe from him. She just gave up and accepted that there wasn’t anything she could do to get full custody. I was tortured because she was blind to what was going on in her own house, and didn’t want to fight for full custody when they got divorced.
And she’s still failing me because she’s unable to accomodate my disabilities. So I have nowhere I feel safe because she gets to decide who comes to our when.
So even though I’m having a rough day because of the nightmare, the house is still getting cleaned, and I’m stuck in a loud house with a stranger and no quiet safe space. And I blame her.

I had a hysterectomy with cervix and fallopian tube removal too. It was removed in one piece!!
I wanted to run my plan for preservation/ display by those with experience, as this will be my first wet specimen.

Here is my plan. Please correct me if anything is not the best method or is hazardous! I know formalin requires PPE, good ventilation, and latex gloves are not sufficient.

The organ has been in formalin at the hospital for like 3 weeks so I’m gonna soak it in some 10% buffered formalin in the fridge for another two weeks, rinse with distilled water, rinse with 70% isopropyl (maybe do an interim iso soak before putting it in the display) and then use the 70% iso to fill up an air tight glass container. Before returning it to me, they rinsed off the formalin.

Also I want the organ to be in the middle of the glass container, not sunk at the bottom. I am using a glass snow globe so there isn’t really anywhere to tether a fishing line. I did read about using glass rods, but I can’t really picture how that would work with a uterus. Can I just stick a shot glass in there for it to sit on top of? Or does it need to be a solid glass column/ rod?
And just to confirm, acrylic would go foggy from the iso, so that would not be good to use as a riser inside the jar?

As for disposal of formalin, I found an environmental disposal place that I believe takes formalin. I plan on calling to confirm. Back up plan is calling the county and asking where to dispose. Until then, I’ll just keep the waste in a bucket.

I know the uterus was partially cut open to examine the inside. If it won’t stay closed in the globe I was thinking of using some fingernail glue/ clear superglue to close the halves back together, or sewing it up with fishing line?

I appreciate any feedback!!

Im looking to buy some CBD concentrate for vaping/ mixing with dispo concentrates. Don’t really care what type, though I am very interested in the idea of CBD shatter.

Any website recommendations? I’ve gotten from Fern Valley before and I liked their wax, but I want to see what else is out there, maybe something I like even more.

Im looking to buy some CBD concentrate for vaping/ mixing with dispo concentrated. Don’t really care what type, though I am very interested in the idea of CBD shatter.

Any website recommendations, or physical shops in SW Ohio? I’ve gotten from Fern Valley before and I liked their wax, but I want to see what else is out there, maybe something I like even more.

Having a kid is a big deal. You’re bringing another being into existence without its consent. And when making that decision, it is important to assess if you are capable of providing that baby with a good (whatever that means to you) life. Can you care for them? Meets their needs?

But my parents didn’t. In my mom’s case, her entire reasoning for having kids was selfish, “I always wanted to be a mom,” she said when I asked her why recently. And for some fucking reason she chose my psychopath of a biodad to do that with.
I believe his reasoning for reproduction was either to blend in better with society, or because his grandiosity was so severe he believed his offspring would be a gift or something.

I’m more mad at my mom, because I’ve just mentally written off my dad as exempt from normal human expectations, given the severity of abuse he put me through. He is an evil fucker, and can’t be held to normal human expectations because his psychology works that differently.

But my mom is a normal person. And she has never been able to provide for me or bond with me. She was an adequate parent to my sibling, but not to me because of my congenital disabilities and early and eventually severe trauma.

And I’m just so angry she chose to have me. The majority of my life has been pain. She can’t fucking bother to meet my needs as a disabled person, even after diagnosis and being told by myself and my therapist numerous times what I need to be okay. She says she’s trying. She says she cares but she is never able to meet my needs and repeatedly does things that violate my sensory needs and need for routine and predictability. One of my therapists refers to her behavior as “either unable or unwilling”.

It’s almost like another fucking form of torture. Being forced to exist without consent, and then never having my basic needs met.

Hi!
I have dysmotility of my entire GI tract, which to my understanding is rare. I present a lot like CIPO, but my GI doctor didn’t see a point in testing for that specifically since it wouldn’t change my treatment, but he did say it’s a distinct possibility that may be what I have. I’ve had multiple pseudo-obstruction like episodes, as well as an ileus found incidentally on imaging that I didn’t even feel, so it’s likely I’ve had it multiple times. Plus I have some other GI disorders. And a plant cellulose intolerance which I know is rare.

Ive had dysmotility of some type my whole life, and it just continues to progress/ I collect more GI issues. My pediatrician was absolutely terrible and didn’t diagnose me with anything or investigate symptoms when they were noticed. I was around 9 when j learned I wasn’t pooping often enough, but that’s all she told me. No testing to see why, no telling me how often I should be going, no suggestions of what to do, no medications/ supplements, nothing.

When I was a teenager, I ended up seeing a GI specialist (don’t remember how or why), and they thought it was some type of IBD based on symptoms and extremely elevated fecal lactoferin. But colonoscopy was negative. It wasn’t until my early 20s that I started receiving any diagnoses besides GERD which I was diagnosed with as a baby.

I’m supposed to follow multiple medical diets: GERD/ low acid, gastroparesis, low FODMAP/ low residue, SIBO, low fiber, low fat, low cellulose, low glycemic, I’m probably forgetting some. But I’m a foodie with a very high pain tolerance and I’m stubborn as fuck.
So I’m not terribly limited in what I can eat, as I often opt to just suffer through the repercussions lol.

The cellulose intolerance is honestly probably the most difficult one, as i just can’t digest most plant matter. I can eat white rice and its products, processed wheat products (pasta, white bread), well-cooked cut up carrots, onions, potatoes, parsnips, avocado, water chestnuts, banana, grated daikon and nori. Banana, avocado, water chestnuts and grated daikon are the only ones I can tolerate uncooked. Sometimes my GI system will reject root vegetables, particularly carrots which I seem to be losing the ability to digest. Tofu is also fine! Smooth tomato sauce is kinda fine. I can’t digest any herbs that are added to it, and tomato gets broken down enough to pass, but not enough that it’s invisible.

I get most of my plants through baby food as the steaming/ cooking plus mechanical breakdown makes most plants digestible for me. I am not able to tolerate smoothies though, so it seems I need both thermal and mechanical breakdown in order to digest most plants.

I have recently been experimenting with freeze dried (lyophilization) fruits which I seem to be tolerating! Basically, I just need the plant structure to be broken down significantly in order to eat it.

Like I said, I do sometimes still eat plants and just suffer. Like the occasional lettuce on a burger for example. And I just end up nauseous, bloated, and either constipated or diarrhea. And it always comes out completely undigested. Just chewed and wilted. So when I do eat it, I just make sure to chew it small enough that it can fit through the exit lol.

My GI doctor checks me annually for nutrient deficiencies. So far, I’ve been able pretty fine, just folate deficiency which I require supplementation for.

I am really lucky in that I still get to eat by mouth and don’t have an ostomy. There are days, or even weeks where I can’t eat and either have to do a liquid diet, or choke down a single protein drink a day.
But most of the time, I can eat! Eating comes with pain and bloating but it’s still lovely. I love food, and my stubbornness is an asset for once.
I have found East Asian cuisine to be the most friendly to my GI system. I think because it doesn’t really use a ton of raw veggies like American cuisine does (salads, raw veggies as sandwich toppings), is very rice focused, the plants I can eat raw are Asian in origin, and it tastes delicious.

However this annoys my family because whenever they want to go out, I always want an East Asian restaurant because it’s most accessible to me. And they get sick of it.

I just had laparoscopic surgery about 5 days ago. I had a hysterectomy, bilateral salpingectomy, posterior colporrhaphy, anterior colporrhaphy, perineoplasty/ perineorrhaphy, cervical amputation/ vaginal cuffing, tethering the vaginal cuff to uterosacral ligaments to fix vaginal vault prolapse, cystoscopy and endometriosis excision and biopsy. Basically I had my uterus and tubes removed, multiple prolapses fixed, perineal body deficiency repair, and endometriosis surgery. It was done laparoscopically so I get my abdomen pumped full of CO2.

I haven’t really been in much pain but that’s because I have a fucked pain tolerance. However, the referred pain to my shoulder from the CO2 irritating my diaphragm is fucking brutal at times. THC:CBD balm works on it 60% of the time. But sometimes nothing.

Anyway, I was curious how long it usually takes for the CO2/ gas pain to stop?

I also have a shit ton of GI issues, mostly motility issues and SIBO, so my baseline is pretty bloated and gassy. I wouldn’t be surprised if it may take me longer than most to get the air off. Curious what to expect in terms of a “normal timeline”. Thanks!

Side note: I have been dealing with some anxiety about the recovery, especially at night or when I’m alone not doing anything. Every time my soreness gets noticeable or I get a split second of discomfort, or something becomes more prickly feeling, anxiety keeps telling me my internal sutures have given way and the reconstruction has failed. So that’s been fun…

*Repost because I didn’t realize I needed to mark as NSFW. Mods if I missed something else please let me know!* Comment Section on Previous Post

TW: mention of >!Child Sexual Abuse,!< pelvic health and associated anatomy (not spoilered), surgery (not spoilered).

TL; DR: I have Ehlers Danlos Syndrome* and am a >!child sexual abuse!< survivor. I have a lot of pelvic health issues and just had laparoscopic surgery 3 days ago. I had a hysterectomy, bilateral salpingectomy, posterior colporrhaphy, anterior colporrhaphy, perineoplasty/ perineorrhaphy, cervical amputation/ vaginal cuffing, tethering the vaginal cuff to uterosacral ligaments to fix vaginal vault prolapse, and endometriosis excision and biopsy. Basically I had my uterus and tubes removed, multiple prolapses fixed, perineal body deficiency repair, and endometriosis surgery. Recovery is going great and I went on a hike two days after surgery because they said walking will help get the CO2 out of my abdomen. ——————

I started menstruating the day before fifth grade (age 10 for non-Americans). I had early puberty due to >!CSA!<. My period has always been extremely heavy. I needed maxi pads from the get-go.

By sixth grade (age 11-12), my periods were disabling. I would either not make it to school, or if I did/ was forced to, I’d spend at least half the day in the nurses office hugging a trash can and dry heaving from the pain. And I have an extremely high pain tolerance (I’ve walked off a dislocated toe, don’t even wince at subluxations and dislocations, had congenital tethered cord syndrome, early onset osteoarthritis, ileitis found incidentally, chronic costochondritis, early onset TMJ, chronic migraines, etc)

When I was about 14 or 15 I went to a gyno for the first time. She did some blood tests for PCOS/ PMOS and some ultrasounds, including transvaginal. She determined it wasn’t PCOS/ PMOS and couldn’t identify the cause so she just put me on birth control for menstrual suppression at 15.

Even with the BC, I was still having breakthrough bleeding so we switched my meds around until we found one that was more effective. I still got monthly severe cramping and period poops and spotting, and just eventually learned how to deal with it (TENS unit helped a lot).

Around 21 I was sent to pelvic floor physical therapy for constipation/ dyssynergic defecation issues I’ve had my whole life but were only diagnosed then. PFPT was the last resort before a Malone Cecostomy and luckily it worked. My PT also found uterine and bladder prolapses. I thought I felt a rectal prolapse as well but she didn’t feel one. I brought it up to my PCP and she diagnosed me with the uterine and bladder prolapse. My PFPT really helped with my pelvic function.

Around 22 or 23 I started testosterone for gender affirming care and once my periods stopped, I finally had relief from menstrual pain. No more bleeding, spotting, cyclical cramping or period poops. It was great. I still had chronic pelvic pain but we thought it was due to my spine issues (degenerative disc disease, stenosis, arthritis, vertebral anomaly, sacroiliac instability) and/ or my GI issues (GERD, gastroparesis, SIBO, small intestine dysmotility, large intestine dysmotility, multilevel redundant colon, anismus). At some point after starting testosterone, I ended up spotting for 2 weeks straight and having moderate cramping, period poops, and bloating. My gyno didn’t care and didn’t do anything so I went to my PCP who prescribed me high dose ibuprofen and I forget what else. She also ordered an emergency CT to rule out appendicitis. They found excess fluid in my cul-de-sac, and attributed it to either a ruptured cyst, or retrograde menstruation.

Then at 24 I was diagnosed with congenital tethered cord syndrome, and had surgery to release my spinal cord, and that restored internal pelvic sensation and fixed other stuff too. I think it was that same year that my chronic pelvic pain worsened, but I’m not positive. It may have been slowly worsening for a couple years. I started having period poops again, excessive bloating and distention, and menstrual like cramping again. I learned from an influencer doctor that endometriosis can produce its own hormones, so even in someone who takes testosterone like me, one can still have endometriosis symptoms.

The pelvic pain continued to worsen, and nothing my PFPT was doing relieved it. I ended up almost going to the ER one day for a particularly painful episode, but luckily one of the doctors at my primary care’s office was able to see me. They agreed with the endometriosis suspicion given the symptoms I was having despite testosterone, and nothing else being found on imaging that could cause those symptoms. So they started with pain management.

I hadn’t seen a gynecologist for a couple years because I was pissed at my old one who didn’t take my pain seriously and kept trying to get me to start a paleo diet for my EDS because it helped her autoimmune skin condition… I had seen one to do my depo shots as I transitioned off hormonal BC to testosterone but she switched practices and wasn’t allowed to tell patients where she was going. And my PCP didn’t know if any other trans-affirming gynos. Plus since I was on T, I didn’t feel like a gynecologist was that urgent.

Eventually, I asked my therapist (I’m autistic and >!CSA!< history) for a gyno recommendation, and went to see her. That gyno then referred me to a partner of hers who sees a lot of trans patients. I’ve wanted a hysterectomy since I was 15, and he agreed, as well as looking for endometriosis and excising it if possible. But because of my prolapse history, he wanted me to see if urogyn also wanted to do any surgery at the same time. They did lol.

So about 3 days ago, I had a hysterectomy, bilateral salpingectomy, cervical amputation/ vaginal cuffing, tethering the vaginal cuff to my uterosacral ligaments to fix the vaginal vault prolapse, anterior colporrhaphy for the cystocele, posterior colporrhaphy for the rectocele, perineoplasty and perineorrhaphy for the perineal body deficiency, as well as endometriosis excision and biopsy. I even correctly guessed that I had some endo on my bowels based on my symptoms! Sadly he left those in place as he didn’t want to perforate my bowel, so I will have to talk to my GI doctor about that. He said it’s hard to ID the stage of endometriosis visually, but if he had to guess it’s late stage 2 or early stage 3.

Recovery has been really easy for me tbh, but that’s probably because of my whacky pain tolerance. The worst part by far has been the bloating/ distention. The referred pain to the shoulder from the CO2 irritating the diaphragm is no fucking joke. I also made things a little worse on that front by trying to nuke myself with laxatives because I wanted to empty myself out for bloating relief, but since my rectum hadn’t come back on line yet, I just caused a major traffic jam and distention.
I also have opioid resistance, which we knew ahead of time and knew to expect that the dilaudid may not do anything. I’ve been getting by just fine on ibuprofen, methocarbamol, and medical marijuana at night.
They said walking is good for helping to get the CO2/ air to pass, so I’ve been working really hard on that. I went on a hike 2 days after surgery with no pain issues! Just the bloating and shoulder pain. I’m still having a little trouble figuring out how to use my muscles for a bowel movement, but it’ll fix. I’ve been in touch with my GI doctor who told me what to take to keep things moving.
I’m very happy.

*Comment on my Ehlers Danlos Syndrome: I am diagnosed with the hypermobile type but my presentation is very unusual and has features of multiple rare connective tissue disorders. Genetic testing found a Variant of Uncertain Significance in a gene associated with Loeys Dietz Syndrome. There is also family history suggesting a hereditary connective tissue disease that does not fit any current criteria. At least one immediate relative who I suspect to also be affected has the same VUS.

TL; DR: I have Ehlers Danlos Syndrome and am a >!child sexual abuse!< survivor. I have a lot of pelvic health issues and just had laparoscopic surgery 3 days ago. I had a hysterectomy, bilateral salpingectomy, posterior colporrhaphy, anterior colporrhaphy, perineoplasty/ perineorrhaphy, cervical amputation/ vaginal cuffing, tethering the vaginal cuff to uterosacral ligaments to fix vaginal vault prolapse, and endometriosis excision and biopsy. Recovery is going great and I went on a hike two days after surgery because they said walking will help get the CO2 out of my abdomen.

I started menstruating the day before fifth grade (age 10 for non-Americans). I had early puberty due to >!CSA!<. My period has always been extremely heavy. I needed maxi pads from the get-go.

By sixth grade (age 11-12), my periods were disabling. I would either not make it to school, or if I did/ was forced to, I’d spend at least half the day in the nurses office hugging a trash can and dry heaving from the pain.
And I have an extremely high pain tolerance (I’ve walked of a dislocated toe, don’t even wince at subluxations and dislocation, had congenital tethered cord syndrome, early onset osteoarthritis, ileitis found incidentally, chronic costochondritis, early onset TMJ, etc.

When I was about 14 or 15 I went to a gyno for the first time. She did some blood tests for PCOS/ PMOS and some ultrasounds, including transvaginal. She determined it wasn’t PCOS/ PMOS and couldn’t identify the cause so she just put me on birth control for menstrual suppression at 15.

Even with the BC, I was still having breakthrough bleeding so we switched my meds around until we found one that was more effective. I still got monthly severe cramping and period poops and spotting, and jsut eventually learned how to deal with it (TENS unit helped a lot).

Around 21 I was sent to pelvic floor physical therapy for constipation/ dyssynergic defecation issues I’ve had my whole life but were only diagnosed then. PFPT was the last resort before a Malone Cecostomy and luckily it worked. My PT also found uterine and bladder prolapses. I thought I felt a rectal prolapse as well but she didn’t feel one. I brought it up to my PCP and she diagnosed me with the uterine and bladder prolapse. My PFPT really helped with my pelvic function.

Around 22 or 23 I started testosterone for gender affirming care and once my periods stopped, I finally had relief from menstrual pain. No more bleeding, spotting, cyclical cramping or period poops. It was great. I still had chronic pelvic pain but we thought it was due to my spine issues (degenerative disc disease, stenosis, arthritis, vertebral anomaly, sacroiliac instability) and/ or my GI issues (GERD, gastroparesis, SIBO, small intestine dysmotility, large intestine dysmotility, multilevel redundant colon, anismus). At some point after starting testosterone, I ended up spotting for 2 weeks straight and having moderate cramping, period poops, and bloating. My gyno didn’t care and didn’t do anything so I went to my PCP who prescribed me high dose ibuprofen and I forget what else. She also ordered an emergency CT to rule out appendicitis. They found excess fluid in my cul-de-sac, and attributed it to either a ruptured cyst, or retrograde menstruation.

Then at 24 I was diagnosed with congenital tethered cord syndrome, and had surgery to release my spinal cord, and that restored internal pelvic sensation and fixed other stuff too. I think it was that same year that my chronic pelvic pain worsened, but I’m not positive. It may have been slowly worsening for a couple years. I started having period poops again, excessive bloating and distention, and menstrual like cramping again. I learned from an influencer doctor that endometriosis can produce its own hormones, so even in someone who takes testosterone like me, one can still have endometriosis symptoms.

The pelvic pain continued to worsen, and nothing my PFPT was doing relieved it. I ended up almost going to the ER one day for a particularly painful episode, but luckily one of the doctors at my primary care’s office was able to see me. They agreed with the endometriosis suspicion given the symptoms I was having despite testosterone, and nothing else being found on imaging that could cause those symptoms. So they started with pain management.

I hadn’t seen a gynecologist for a couple years because I was pissed at my old one who didn’t take my pain seriously and kept trying to get me to start a paleo diet for my EDS because it helped her autoimmune skin condition… I had seen one to do my depo shots as I transitioned off hormonal BC to testosterone but she switched practices and wasn’t allowed to tell patients where she was going. And my PCP didn’t know if any other trans-affirming gynos. Plus since I was on T, I didn’t feel like a gynecologist was that urgent.

Eventually, I asked my therapist (I’m autistic and CSA history) for a gyno recommendation, and went to see her. That gyno then referred me to a partner of hers who sees a lot of trans patients. I’ve wanted a hysterectomy since I was 15, and he agreed, as well as looking for endometriosis and excising it if possible. But because of my prolapse history, he wanted me to see if urogyn also wanted to do any surgery at the same time. They did lol.

So about 3 days ago, I had a hysterectomy, bilateral salpingectomy, cervical amputation/ vaginal cuffing, tethering the vaginal cuff to my uterosacral ligaments to fix the vaginal vault prolapse, anterior colporrhaphy for the cystocele, posterior colporrhaphy for the rectocele, perineoplasty and perineorrhaphy for the perineal body deficiency, as well as endometriosis excision and biopsy. I even correctly guessed that I had some endo on my bowels based on my symptoms! Sadly he left those in place as he didn’t want to perforate my bowel, so I will have to talk to my GI doctor about that. He said it’s hard to ID the stage of endometriosis visually, but if he had to guess it’s late stage 2 or early stage 3.

Recovery has been really easy for me tbh, but that’s probably because of my whacky pain tolerance. The worst part by far has been the bloating/ distention. The referred pain to the shoulder from the CO2 irritating the diaphragm is no fucking joke. I also made things a little worse on that front by trying to nuke myself with laxatives because I wanted to empty myself out for bloating relief, but since my rectum hadn’t come back on line yet, I just caused a major traffic jam and distention.
I also have opioid resistance, which we knew ahead of time and knew to expect that the dilaudid may not do anything. I’ve been getting by just fine on ibuprofen, methocarbamol, and medical marijuana at night.
They said walking is good for helping to get the CO2/ air to pass, so I’ve been working really hard on that. I went on a hike 2 days after surgery with no pain issues! Just the bloating and shoulder pajn. I’m still having a little trouble figuring out how to use my muscles for a bowel movement, but it’ll fix. I’ve been in touch with my GI doctor who told me what to take to keep things moving.
I’m very happy.

I saw a post on Instagram where someone with seemingly LSNs autism said “Meltdowns aren’t scary” and then proceeded to show a video of her “meltdown” where she was just crying and rocking, and then later talking to the camera with red eyes in the exact same position she was in during her “meltdown”.

I am fucking LIVID. Meltdowns are absolutely terrifying. It is extreme distress and complete loss of self-control.

I used to work with MSN and HSN folks so I have both seen meltdowns from the outside, and personally experienced them. Both positions are scary.

It is scary to see someone in that much pain. It is scary to be unable to soothe.
It is scary to be in that much pain.
It is terrifying to not know what you are going to do next, and having no ability to stop yourself.
Meltdowns are fucking scary.

Not all of my meltdowns are violent, but some are. I have luckily only had aggressive behavior towards my mom.

But even the nonviolent ones are terrifying. Losing complete control of your emotions and body is scary as fuck. Having extreme feelings like that is scary and overwhelming. The only way to describe a meltdown is fear and distress.

I am scared of having a meltdown. I am scared during meltdowns. I am scared afterwards that another will eventually happen.

It is insulting to say meltdowns aren’t scary.
Crying and rocking like that is just normal. Don’t get me wrong, it sucks, but that’s something even neurotypicals experience. Episodes of emotional dysregulation are part of the human experience.
This doesn’t mean that whatever is happening doesn’t suck. It’s just not a goddamn meltdown. Having a big emotion is very distressing, but it is drastically different than a meltdown.
I’m not saying this to invalidate anyone’s feelings or experience.
I just think it’s extremely important that we use the correct terminology, and recognize how dangerous meltdowns are for so many people in our community.

Saying meltdowns are not scary is insulting, invalidating, dismissive, and minimizes/ downplays a severe autism symptom.

I’m off LDN as I have surgery coming up. I usually take 5mg.
I’ve been waking up really dizzy, physically disoriented, and with major brain fog. I’m curious if this is just my dysautonomia acting up, or if it’s because I’m not taking the LDN?
My heart palpitations (not sure if it’s taccy or low BP) during showers and walking up stairs has also been worse.
Alternatively, I’m wondering if the wildfires in Canada/ poor air quality is doing it.

Thanks. Sorry I’m still a bit fuzzy so I apologize if this isn’t very coherent.

I think it’s pretty funny that my GI issues (primarily gastroparesis, dysmotility of my entire GI tract, redundant colon, SIBO, and cellulose intolerance) basically make it so I’m very unlikely to contract cyclosporiasis.
I have to eat an incredibly low fiber diet, and can’t really tolerate raw plants. Even cooked plants are quite limited.
I can basically only eat rice and rice products, processed wheat products (white bread, pasta), processed soy products like tofu, potatoes, parsnips, overcooked carrots, cooked onions, bananas, peeled and overcooked zucchini, nori, avocado, well chewed and cooked baby corn, cooked Asian pumpkin, and water chestnuts. Even smoothies are a trigger.
As a result, I get my produce through baby food, as the fiber and cellulose are broken down enough for me via thermal and mechanical methods. My GI doctor also checks me for nutrient deficiencies annually, or any time I develop new neurological symptoms.

I do still eat raw fruits and veggies occasionally, or even cooked ones that I can’t tolerate, because food is yummy, and I just suffer the consequences for a couple days.

But I just think it’s funny that my medical diet is basically keeping me safe from cyclosporiasis.

I’ve gotten into Korean cold noodle soup this summer, specifically dongchimi.

Absolutely delicious. However idk what to use for toppings. The first time I made it, I just used a soft boiled egg and some very thinly sliced beef (like what you get for hot pot).
I have gastroparesis and cellulose intolerance so raw produce and most produce in general is not something I can eat (not the point of this post so don’t want to go into details of plants I can and can’t eat, but don’t worry I do still eat produce, just in the form of baby food). But I gravitate towards East Asian food as a lot of my safe foods align well with East Asian cooking.

I was curious if folks had other ideas for toppings? I was thinking I’d try some sashimi salmon this time. I can tolerate water chestnuts as well so was thinking of adding those too. Would avocado be weird or gross?

I feel so disgusted. I’m so grossed out by my own body and I hate myself.

I had a “>!wet dream!<” but it was a trauma nightmare about my dad. I don’t think it was memories, because he was being too nice. Maybe it was. Or maybe it was a version of a memory that my brain made “nicer” so it was less traumatizing. It definitely started out in a real memory but I think it spiral from there into stuff that never happened, at least not the way it went down in the nightmare.
I could feel his hands and him all over again. And I was back as a kid. I was so fucking small.

I eventually woke up and I had been crying. My face was wet. I was nauseous and having pelvic pain. But my underwear was a mess, to the point I had to change. I fucking hate myself. I’m disgusting. Even awake I could still feel him. I wanted to rip my skin off.

My intrusive thoughts are telling me that meant I liked it, am attracted to my dad, and want him to abuse me again. It’s breaking my heart because what I went through was horrific. My therapists have described it as torture. What does that say about me if my body reacts that way?

I fucking hate myself.
I’ve been in a depressive episode since I attempted EMDR, and I got sexually assaulted/ abused two months ago again so I think I’m just going through a lot right now but that doesn’t erase the disgust I feel with myself and my body. How fucking sick is it that a trauma nightmare was >!physically arousing!<??!

TL;DR: I dated a guy who works at a psychiatric facility I am a patient at. I broke up with him because he took pictures of my genitals without consent. And when reflecting with friends on a bunch of other shit that happened, they informed me it was abuse and sexual assault. One of my therapists says the same, the other says it was just a really bad match between my trauma symptoms and conditioning mixed with his sexual proclivities (self-described sexual sadist).

(Note for mods: I recognize this post is very long. When I’ve asked about this in the past, I have left out context only to share it later in the comments and being told that it made a huge difference. I have added a lot of context here, and may have over done it. If anything needs to be removed, please let me know)

(TW: >!mention of CSA, loss of consciousness, BDSM gone wrong, rape, CNC, conditioning,!< sexual stuff)

Context:

I was seeing this guy for two months. I really really liked him, like a lot. I thought he was perfect for me, other than a little emotionally uneducated/ unprepared. He had mental health stuff that he wasn’t handling in a healthy way.

I probably should’ve dumped him when I stopped being able to watch Criminal Minds because it was feeling too real/ close to home….

Things got sexual much faster than I wanted, but I really liked him. Part of it is because I struggle significantly with my hypersexuality as a CPTSD symptom. It makes me do sexual acts I don’t want to do because during previous abuse, I was conditioned to please and and that my wants/ desires or safety don’t matter. Additionally I was led to believe during past trauma that if I don’t keep my partner happy (sexually), they will hurt me or leave me.
I had asked him to help me with this early on in the relationship. Basically if I said I didn’t want to do anything sexual at the beginning of a hangout, I needed his help to make sure that was followed, regardless of my behavior.

He eventually expressed frustration with this, which I get. It must’ve been hard needing to be the self control for both of us. I’m an adult. I should be able to keep myself safe.
I think my hypersexuality just kinda took the wheel. My friends and therapists later came to believe that he was taking advantage of my hypersexuality as well for his own benefit.

Anyway, I broke up with him after he >!took pictures of my genitals without permission!<. I didn’t want to break up with him, because I really liked him. And the good times were so good. I felt so safe with him. And he helped me through flashbacks. But my friends had already been starting to dislike him because of other things he did, like when he got upset with me for climbing out of his lap to do a therapy worksheet to regulate myself, major avoidance shit when he was upset rather than talking about it or using coping, expecting me an autistic to be a mind reader, etc. The picture taking was just the final straw for my friends. And if my friends don’t like the person I’m with, that’s a huge problem for me.
Logically I knew what he did was bad and wrong but I really liked him. I broke up with him because I knew it was the right thing to do for myself, but I didn’t want to.

After the breakup, I started reflecting on the relationship. I slowly realized I had ignored or explained away a shit ton of red flags. I’m not sure if it was because of my delayed processing, or I was just that infatuated, or have so much trouble trusting myself and my gut that I just didn’t really realize the bad shit.

The more stuff I shared with my friends, the more horrified they were. They came to believe he was a straight up predator. My one therapist said that the nice stuff he had done was just grooming.

He works at the inpatient unit at a psychiatric facility I am outpatient at. I have previously been inpatient there before he ever worked there. Just in case I ever need to go inpatient again, I informed my outpatient provider I dated a guy who works inpatient after I broke up with him. He informed me employees of the psychiatric facility are not supposed to date past or current patients of the facility. I am both.

I shared this with my friends and continued reflecting on things from the relationship I had ignored or explained away, and getting friend’s assessments. Every single one of them is convinced my ex is a straight up predator.

I’m a little frustrated with myself and my taste in men. I don’t know if I’m just naive, overly trusting, or gullible. But I know I’m vulnerable and need to be more careful. I have been learning more from friends about what true consent looks like, that sex isn’t about just pleasing your partner, etc.

Was any of this sexual assault:

- Conditioned me into sex: I had said early on I wouldn’t be ready for sex for months. >!Multiple times when we’d start to get intimate, he’d talk about how badly he wanted to have sex with me. That quickly progressed to baiting/ teasing me. Basically he’d talk about how much he wanted to have sex with me, then ask if I wanted to have sex with him too and I did but I wasn’t ready so technically my answer was yes. Then he’d ask if I wanted a condom or not. If I said yes, he’d give me a disapproving look or verbally prompt me to reanswer. Once I said no condom/ raw he’d say “good girl”. Then he’d usually start pretending to have sex through our clothes. Next, or if we were already undressed, he’d start to position my body and himself and pretend like he was going to insert himself even though we hadn’t actually discussed having sex, since I wasn’t ready for it. But then he’d stop himself and get this weird grin and ask me if I was scared and thought he was actually going to do it!<. At least once he texted me after apologizing and saying he felt bad about messing with my head. I didn’t know what he meant.
- Conditioned me into not using protection. >!Said he couldn’t stay erect with a condom because it was a sensory issue, and being very inexperienced in consensual sex, and being autistic that made sense to me. Because I have sensory issues so I get it! Anyway we had unprotected sex. (I will give him credit, he tried a condom for like 3 minutes) My friends have since informed me there is no excuse to not wear a condom. Plus the “good girl” condom bullshit in the previous point.!<
- Presented himself as extremely knowledgable on >!sex and BDSM!<. He was a sex ed teacher for a very progressive program, and had a previous BDSM relationship. He was also >!a member of a reputable sex club and participated in scene there. He also had his own tools. Because of all this, and my inexperience, I thought he was teaching me BDSM stuff turns out, he broke a lot of BDSM rules, and completely left out the discussing boundaries, limits, what would happen before we started doing stuff, check ins etc. (He did check in like three times I remember, and once he asked about safe words and I said we weren’t at a point where no or stop should be ignored)!<
- During >!BDSM he tried to scratch me!< without asking. He stopped himself from applying pressure, but I could see how much cognitive strength that took. And he had an angry face/ scowl like he wanted to hurt me
- >!Choked me out very early on during sexual interaction. It was BDSM stuff and he was choking me while I was doing a thing, and I remember opening my eyes to him asking if I was okay and being confused why he was asking. I only found out I was likely choked out when retelling this to a friend who is experienced with breath play. My ex did not give a fuck I had been knocked out.!<
- I was dumb and during the last days I decided to >!show off how crazy my pain tolerance is and also was looking to self harm I think. Anyway, I told him “I don’t think you can make me cry” not expecting him to actually try because I thought he cared about my wellbeing. He tried everything he could and seemed pleased when I started to squirm but frustrated my face wasn’t doing anything. He scowled at me while trying to hurt me. It took almost 2 months for one of the bruises to fully heal.!<
- Came over one night after I had already taken my THC edible which I informed him of. Things started to get heated (I started things but had said at the beginning of the night I didn’t want to do anything sexual) so he asked me if I felt intoxicated. I didn’t think I was but I have no fucking idea and we did sexy stuff that night even though he knew I had THC in my system.
- He knew showers are very difficult and triggering for me due to past trauma. He once expressed he likes showering with partners. During >!sex, I was trying to talk him into finishing on my stomach instead of in my mouth or genitals and!< he only agreed if I also agreed to shower with him afterwards. I ended up basically shutting down and dissociating the whole shower. He gave me the detachable showerhead to stay warm while I dissociated and he showered.
- Almost exclusively hung out at night. He’d basically only see me after work, which was around midnight because he worked the second shift. And since everywhere is closed then, we would hang out at my house. He would make plans with his friends on his days off, and just fit me in afterwards. My therapist thinks that the mainly only doing night dates at my house was so we could do sexual activity. And I didn’t realize this was weird because no one has ever put me first (not even my mom) so I’m used to not being prioritized.
- When I’d say I didn’t want to do anything sexual that night, he’d often ask if he could take his shirt off saying it would be more comfortable. Who am I to dictate what he can and can’t wear so I said sure. And then things would inevitably turn sexual; at least half the time I’d initiate. My trauma specialist says he was intentionally taking off his shirt to try triggering my hypersexuality. This is also in line with him talking about how much he wanted to do certain acts even after I had said I didn’t want to do anything. I just thought he was expressing his feelings but my friend said if a partner says they don’t want to do anything, you don’t bring it up.

More stuff for context/ idk what to call it:

- I did tell him about my >!kinks!< but made it clear they were all trauma induced and I didn’t know to what extent they were safe for me to engage with.
- Talked about >!having sex with me on the unit!< if I ever went inpatient again.
- He said one time that when I’m ready, if I wanted to share details of my trauma he’d listen >!but some of it is probably a turn on for him and “I know it’s probably a turn on for you”!<
- The fantasy talk also started to feel less fantasy and more real. Like he talked a lot about >!taking me to some remote woods, giving me a headstart to run away, and not giving me my mobility aids so I’d stumble everywhere, while he hunts me down and then rapes me.!<
- Early on in the relationship he said he seems to attract people with trauma. I thought he meant “Aw traumatized people see me as a safe person.” My friends pointed out that he probably meant “I seek out traumatized people because they’re vulnerable and more likely to do what I say and be into the shit I’m into.”
- Self-identifies as a sexual sadist. I thought by this he meant he’s a dom with sadistic tendencies/ is into the rougher stuff but I’m thinking he meant DSM5 definition because he really got aroused by causing me pain, and as evidenced with the severity of the bruising and choking, he did not seem to care about my actual safety. Plus he tried to scratch me one time without asking first. I also learned from friends I wasn’t properly consenting >!to the pain/ violence, as I was just saying yes because I knew he’d like it, not because I get enjoyment from being hurt. Basically, I can tolerate it, and knew he liked it, so I said yes!<, which friends said isn’t how consent works.
- When I described my dad (abuser) as a sadist, he got offended and pouted.
- Asked me to give him the code to my front door eventually so he could >!come rape me!< (I did not. We were only together two months)
- Brought up >!knife play, in detail. Specifically that he wanted to tether me to a vibrator so I’d arch into the knife and cut myself. He knew I had a self harm history!<. He said he saw it in a video and it was hot.
- Said to me one time >!“you really have a rape kink” which confused me because I never used that word, and had only talked about CNC!<. Kink-informed friends say this is a major red flag
- Said he was in no rush to get STI testing since I had given him oral already
- Because I’m autistic, I had trouble telling the difference between fantasy and stuff he was actually wanting to with/ to me. So I’d try to clarify when he was dirty-talking by just asking “fantasy right?” At first he’d just be like “yeah” but he got progressively more annoyed with me and would roll his eyes or be condescending and eventually he said something along the lines of “you don’t have to keep clarifying…” so I stopped.
- He talked about me >!going out and picking up a girl, usually a queer woman, and bringing her back and then he’d come in and rape her!<. He presented it as a fantasy but it didn’t feel like one.
- I told him my trauma therpaist had to me to abstain from >!porn, specifically ones relating to my kinks!< so I could work on uncoupling the wire crossing between arousal and abuse. His solution was to make a rule that I was only allowed to watch porn with him
- Said my planned hysterectomy (medically necessary and gender affirming) made him feel panicked and when I offered reassurance and asked what he needed he said he didn’t want any and that surgery just made him panicky like he wanted to leave and runaway (both literally and metaphorically). Friends thought this, combined with the condom thing was really sketchy. Some just thought this alone seemed controlling.
- He was extremely emotionally fragile and wouldn’t do anything to work on it. There were so many times I’d make a joke, or just say something and he’d get upset, hang up, and then not talk to me for a day and just play video games to “cope” (that’s not coping bro that’s straight up avoidance). As a person with anxious attachment, this was extremely dysregulating.
- Canceled dates on me a bunch and then would only do last minute plans, despite knowing I’m autistic and me voicing that this was very difficult for me. He said the reason he would only do last minute plans is because early on he canceled on me when we had planned to go to the aquarium and my favorite restaurant, a very high reward day. He canceled as I was getting in the fucking car, so no shit I was upset. So he refused to plan ahead anymore after that.
- I knew he had a strained relationship with his sister, and I wanted to know more about that so I was asking questions. All he’d tell me is that she threw scissors at him which to me just sounded like semi-normal sibling bullshit. He also said she told him once that she likes hurting people. Because he’s a self described sexual sadist, I made a joke saying “Well, you do too…” and he got really hurt, hung up on me, told me not to compare her to him ever again, and didn’t talk to me for a day because he was so hurt. I felt horrible and beat myself up about it until he started talking to me again.
- He would snap/ yell at my cat for rubbing against him or meowing at us during sexy time. He never tried to interact with my cat or talk nicely to him.
- Said he thought he was autistic like me but wouldn’t cite why. (After reviewing the DSM5 criteria the best I could figure out is that he had sensory issues and was a nerd, but nerdy interests don’t equate to restricted interests, and he sure as hell didn’t have social impairments)
- Said he thought he might have CSA trauma that he doesn’t remember. His reasoning being his kinks… that was his only reasoning… I think this and the autism thing were him trying to relate to me, or trying to trick me into feeling safe with him.

Im just having trouble figuring out how to “categorize” this in my head. Idk if it was an abusive relationship, if I got sexually assaulted again, or if it was just a toxic relationship, or that we were just a bad match like my one therapist said.
And like I said, I didn’t realize any of this was fucked up until after, as I have no reference for a healthy relationship. And since I’m a torture survivor, my threshold for trauma is fucked.
I knew there was stuff I didn’t like, didn’t understand/ confused me, I was indifferent, etc. But I didn’t realize it was fucked up or manipulative, or psychological conditioning or anything until I talked to my friends. So I’m just trying to get unbiased takes.

I took a THC edible before the guy I was seeing told me he was coming over. I’m a med user and take an edible every night before bed. Before he got to my place, I told him I had already taken my edible, just so he’d know I might be a little weird. It was either on the phone or when he got there that I told him I didn’t want to do anything sexual that night. I had said this multiple times before at the beginning of hangouts, only for things to turn sexual, either because he did things to trigger my hypersexuality, HS got triggered because I really liked him, he initiated stuff and I didn’t have a good reason to say no and I wanted him to be happy, or the rare times I initiated (can’t think of any atm but I assume I did).

I’m pretty sure that this time I started kissing him, but I think his shirt was already off which my therapist has said he did with the intention of sexual activity/ triggering my hypersexuality. At some point he stopped me and asked if I felt intoxicated/ high/ affected by the weed (I forget his phrasing) and I said no. I think he also asked if I was sure I wanted to do stuff to which I said yes. I don’t remember specifically what sexual activity we did that night, but it was more than just kissing. Some of the times just blur together.

But the thing is he teaches (what sounds like) a really progressive sex ed class. So like he definitely knew that if I was intoxicated/ impaired, I wouldn’t have been able to actually say if I was or wasn’t because that’s not how consent works. You can’t count on the possibly-impaired person to determine if they are impaired.

I still don’t know if I was stoned or not. Sometimes it just feels like me, but dumber, and happier (and sometimes horny, which he knew) which I definitely felt that night, but that could’ve just been because I was with a guy I really liked and I was a little mentally tired.

My friends say it was sexual assault, but they hate him because of other stuff he did (sexually, emotionally) so Idk.

Some more context: I dumped this person a couple months ago after he took pictures of my genitals during intimacy without my knowledge. After dumping him and opening up to friends and therapists about my sex life, I realized I had missed a bunch more sexual violations because I have an extensive trauma history and no gauge for what a healthy sexual relationship looks like.
He was basically using BDSM as a guise to abuse me, because BDSM without proper discussions is just abuse. And some psychological conditioning. My therapists think he was also intentionally manipulating my hypersexuality (from previous abuse) to his advantage.
He also was a self described sexual sadist with rape fantasies, including somnophilia and an intoxication kink.

I’m getting a medically necessary hysterectomy and vaginal reconstruction (prolapses) soon. It is being done laparoscopically.

I am a little concerned that the post-surgical pain may be triggering. My menstrual/ endometriosis cramping is triggering sometimes.

For those of you that have had any surgery like this, was the pain during recovery triggering? If it was, what helped?

I can’t stop thinking about all the people who hurt me. Im stoned and just need to vent because even that’s not helping.

The torture my dad put me through as a kid. He did horrible things I struggle to put into words. He was sadistic. He gave me numerous head injuries. There were so many times I thought, or hoped, I was going to die. It makes me nauseous sometimes remembering the things he made me do. The tastes, the smells. My stupidest fucking trigger is the smell of some BMs or farts. Just certain ones. It’s fucking ridiculous.
And there’s this one specific toy my babysitter used that makes my heart and breath race any time I see it, even pictures.
For some reason Arby’s commercials and the taste of their food is triggering. I know my dad took me there a lot but I don’t remember anything happening.
There’s also a specific brand of soda he used to drink that makes me hyperventilate and tremble if I look at it too long or think about touching it. I don’t know why.
During EMDR I for some reason kept thinking of tin foil while working on a memory involving my babysitter. So now I have another trauma associated thing with no idea what it means.

I’m just so frustrated with my dad and my life. I wasn’t allowed snacks. On hikes, he didn’t share the only water he brought for us, and when he did share, he counted how long my sips were allowed to be. I was never allowed to eat at meals until I was full. I was only allowed to eat whatever portion he served me. It was never enough. I did rarely get seconds, I guess sometimes he felt generous, or maybe he was full and figured better me than in the trash. I remember having to touch him at least once to get seconds. And another time I remember asking for seconds and then being taken to the bathroom. I assume it was a similar scenario.

I still struggle with showers and dissociate a lot because of what he put me through. Whenever I was at his house, I didn’t really get any privacy, or get to shower by myself. I had to keep my door open unless I was sleeping. I’d try to change in a corner where he couldn’t see me. In the shower, he’d either shower with me or just watch me. I hated showering with him. I threw up one time while he was abusing me and he made me pick up the chunks by hand from the drain and put it in the toilet. One of my earliest memories from around age 3 based on my height was in the shower. I only have a couple memories earlier than that. My babysitter abusing me, my mom accidentally ripping off a fingernail when trimming my nails, and I somehow know what my daycare looked like and remember tiny things from there.

He’d incorporate some of my favorite things into the abuse, like my favorite book when I was a toddler, or a show I liked. He’d make comments referencing them, or make sexual games involving them.

But he was my dad and a part of me still loves him. I’m autistic and I’m pretty sure he’s where I inherited it from. My mom never learned how to interact with me in a way that isn’t overstimulating. My dad understood me on a level no one else in my life did. He encouraged my special interests. He took me to museums and let me look at my favorite exhibit for hours (granted he did also end up leaving me there alone unsupervised). He helped me choose books he knew I’d like, often relating to my interests. He let me dress the way I wanted which my mom didn’t. I feel so fucked for still having some attachment. I’m suffering because of him. I got assaulted by others because of him.

I can’t stop fucking thinking about the memory with my babysitter that I associate with tin foil for some reason. I was so fucking young and she was straight up enjoying herself. I didn’t know any better. I can still feel her touch on my neck and crotch as if she’s in the room with me. I fucking hate it and I want to claw it off.
The worst is when it co-triggers with other somatic flashbacks, like internal pelvic pain. And to top it off, I also have endometriosis and usually can’t tell the difference between that pain and flashback pain because the sensations are so similar. Sometimes there’s a specific pattern that happens with flashbacks, but it doesn’t always occur so when I get pelvic pain, I usually can’t tell why. And the pelvic pain is near daily lately. And it comes with a gut feeling that I’m being invaded or violated in some way. I can’t explain it. But I know I’m not because no one’s touching me, but my insides don’t feel safe.

I’m just so tired. I want to feel better.