u/Remarkably_Good394

This is the third unfinished baggie I’ve found in a purse over the course of a few months and both times I’ve thrown them out. My friend is currently an hour late from the time she said she’d be here and I just keep staring at it.

It’s crazy that I find unfinished bags but it purely because I would blackout and get so much for free and buy a bag because those people left and do coke until 7-8am and then forget about the rest and repeat the cycle. I don’t go out often anymore so my going out purses have been mostly unused.

I never really admitted my addiction to coke but I was really deep in it in college and then went on off and on benders for about 3 months. I quietly separated myself from the people that I used to do and that’s how I essentially stopped, that’s why I never thought of it as problematic. It’s been nearly a year since I’ve touched it. I still drink once in a while but nearly not as often as I used to. Now when I drink, I get 4 drinks in and I’m ready to go home, shower, and tuck myself in bed. I am not mad at it at all, I enjoy my calm lifestyle. It’s also hard to admit that I don’t even enjoy drinking without a bag.

Right now, I am sat in my cozy room all dressed up ready to go and it feels like this bag is burning a hole in my pocket, It’s barely a line. She’s running late I’m tired as hell and have a whole night ahead of me. I really do not want to do it at all but it is just staring at me and I’m staring at it. I think I’ll show my face and go home quickly as I can but right now I’m having a hard time getting rid of this.

I am a little lost in the world of graduate school. I am looking to start my applications. I don’t know what route to take if I want to work in a school setting specifically a school counselor.

I graduated 3 years ago with a B.S. in Psychology. I am looking at Masters in Counseling programs but I am unsure if there are specifics I should be searching for. What graduate programs should I be looking for if that is my end goal- without restricting potential future job opportunities outside of a school setting?

It’s been about two months since I started. Every Monday I have a back to back workout class which I have gotten through just fine without sweating immensely or unreasonably. I also always wear a full face (don’t ask, I like to feel decent even when it’s just for class). I have gotten through both of these classes with makeup still intact and honestly perfect with just a slight glow by the end. Today, after my first class I was covered head to toe in sweat. It was dripping down my face and my body which is something I have never in my LIFE experienced. I have never been much of a sweater like I sweat but it’s never been problematic. The floor around me was soaking wet. Everything including my rag was soaked with sweat. My dark shirt was visibly sweat through. I ran to the bathroom in between my classes and took my makeup off because it had legit melted off my face.

I know a workout class is probably not the best example of this excessive sweating but for the past few weeks if I do an activity for more than 5 minutes that involves moving my body, it’s soaked. The other day I was in the yard doing a practice set up of my tent and by the third time I bent over to pick something up, there was sweat dripping off my brow. I shower 3 times a day now basically and I go through so many clothes I’m doing laundry twice a week. I cannot take this any longer, I know my tolerance for shit like this.

What makes it worse is that I genuinely feel amazing on it. I take 25 mg a day and my doctor just increased it to 50 mg because I’ve been having some trouble sleeping and restless mind but nothing as bad as it was. I haven’t started the 50 mg yet because it costs $140 with the pharmacy coupon and I don’t have insurance and I lost my job (🫤) I’m thinking of stopping it but this medication has really been helping me, especially since the unexpected job loss. I truly don’t believe I can live like this though.

I got fired from my job in June without warning or reasoning and it really messed me up. My family kind of dropped the ball on my birthday- which I have always looked forward to spending with them and that also made me really sad. On the other hand, I love and appreciate the gifts they gave me and I will cherish them forever. I spent nearly two whole days this past week in bed. I have been focusing so hard on everything that’s wrong in my life right now that I couldn’t see past my own depression. I spent some time outside today and some time with my family and it kind of clicked that I am allowed to enjoy myself. I am allowed to do nothing or do everything. I can drive to the beach, I can walk to the pool. I can do whatever I want but what I can’t do is sit here and ask what went wrong. Nothing is wrong except it’s my favorite season and I am sitting in my own head! I’m grateful for summer and I am grateful that I have time to keep enjoying it.

There was a hiccup the other day where his drug test came back false positive in his recovery center. He was obviously panicking because there was a possibility that he would be sent back to the full rehab setting for 2 weeks and be treated like he snuck out to do drugs. Obviously the situation was stressful and being accused of doing something you didn’t do is not a good feeling. I sympathized with him, I still do. He finally got to move upstairs and is allowed to leave and he got a job and then this all happened. It was sorted out and it was in fact a false positive. No part of me really believed he actually did it.

Among all this panic he said “if I get sent back downstairs I am going to leave and go find a sober living home.” He had reached out to someone from his previous sober living home to see if they knew any places. I should be happy that he thought of the alternative to move into sober living instead of leaving treatment all together. The problem is that he hated his previous sober living home and left it abruptly and relapsed instantly. It was months of hell. It was months of pain and stress and then he checked himself into this rehab and he enjoys it. It was months of hell and pain for him too and he finally has some relief.

I try not to think of his recovery because it is his recovery. What I do think of are the times I see him and the time we spend together. When he said that, everything kind of flashed before my eyes. It felt like I was looking into the future where he starts to get stressed out and hates his surroundings and the people in it and the cycle starts again. I started seeing that same spiral starting when this situation happened. With things moving forward I find myself drawn back, worried and anxious about what my future holds.

Alcoholism is a lifelong battle and I have accepted that to be the case. I leave him mostly to navigate through this himself. I stopped asking about progression because I know that’s not how it works. You don’t just take a break and it magically all stops and I think I convinced myself it was that way for a while.

The universe will always hand you things you might not be ready to handle. Some people can take that and walk through it but others can go out of control. It’s scary to think that an obstacle has the potential to steer him off his path so much that it could implode on not only him but me too.

With all that being said though, I am proud of how far he’s come even from his first rehab visit. He is learning how to navigate obstacles and do the things he needs to do. Maybe I should look at the good things more. The past does creep up on me still and I always have to remind myself to look at the circumstances now. I’m trying to find my own courage and strength to go to one of these meetings. He’s doing his part, it’s time I work on mine and not let these thoughts consume me.

I’m about 3 months into my pole journey and I am having trouble with my climb. I can get up once and stand but I have more trouble continuing. What are some drills to help continue going up. I go to class twice a week and workout once a week (usually a full body workout with focus on arms and core). I want to keep doing my shin drill where you keep your shin to the pole and practice getting up. Trying not to beat myself up too much because I’m still fresh into pole but I need any tips I can get.

I was doing great and then I got fired from my job with no reasoning or cause. I worked so hard even though it was a horrible environment. I looked on the bright side of things and was quietly taking steps to leave and find somewhere more fulfilling while also completing all my duties and tasks. I loved my coworkers and I loved the kids I worked with. I know I should look at this as a blessing but it has left me in a dark hole. It took a major hit to my self esteem. I had started to get into hobbies and become more active. I started taking an antidepressant in addition to my other medications. The sun was shining in my life again and now I can’t see past my own darkness. I haven’t been sleeping. These past few weeks have been the first time I’ve seen the clock go to 2:00am while I lay in bed unable to sleep. I don’t want it to be the next day anymore. I don’t want to keep finding things to do to keep myself occupied. My mind keeps drifting to escape but instead I cower because I have nowhere to go. I know I should take this as a blessing but I am so stuck on being discarded like trash. I had a good chunk of money saved up but I drained it to help pay for things around the house. My tire went flat yesterday and I ended up having to put four new tires on- I couldn’t pay for that myself so my Mom had to help which brings me deep shame. My friend wants to hangout tomorrow but I don’t want to step out the house. I also don’t want to be in the house either. Spending money on shit seems like the most irresponsible and selfish thing. I’ve put out more applications than I ever had but I don’t have it in me to even want to work. My unemployment check hopefully should come soon but I think I’ll be left with no health insurance. I’m trying my best to not let this destroy me even further. I was doing so well I actually thought to myself before this happened that the next tragedy in my life I would be able to handle. I didn’t expect to be discarded like that with no explanation or warning. I wish I could float away into the middle of the ocean with my eyes closed laying on my back with the sun shining on my face. I wish this didn’t affect me the way it has.

I’ve gone to see him pretty much every Sunday since he’s been in his recovery program. Every Sunday he just looks happier and better. Today I was taken aback by how much he was glowing. How his smile took up his whole face and how happy and relaxed he was. His entire demeanor was different, he seemed really good.

I am so proud of him I really am and I miss him. I miss him so much, sometimes I get really sad. I just remind myself that he’s doing what he needs to do. I am sad at how I saw this disease take over him. I am mad at myself because sometimes I lacked empathy, I lacked compassion when I preached it so often.

I remind myself that we are two people walking separate paths while holding hands. His path might be filled with thorns and my path might be flooded but we remain intertwined learning to navigate each obstacle.

We sat outside for most of the visit, tucked away in a little quiet corner of the courtyard and during our few minutes of comfortable silence- my head leaning on his shoulder, his arm around me while his other arm played with my rings and my fingers, I felt all my emotions flood in my brain at once. I was deeply happy and at peace but guilty and scared. I want him next to me so badly and at the same time I need him there and I know he needs it too. I am so grateful for today and I am hopeful for the future but, I need to live through right now.

I don’t care for the popcorn and I’m tired of buying full bags and wasting it because I only want the peanuts

I have finally found a healthy obsession. I enrolled in beginner pole dancing classes and I am in absolute love with it. For starters, the girls in my class are so funny and fun to be around. I love when our instructor shows us something for the first time and we look at each other and giggle because we feel like we can’t do it. I am in awe of how strong I’ve gotten in just a few weeks and I look forward to my class even if I had the longest day. I love how giddy and excited I get when I finally get the move right or when my instructor jumps up and down and says “Yes! You did it!” I never had the opportunity to do any sort of extra curricular when I was younger like dance or sports or music lessons because we were so poor. I feel like I’m fulfilling my desire to be good at something and doing something that I love. I love learning and I love pole dancing! I am so grateful I decided to enroll in this class. I’m going to keep up with it and now I’m going twice a week!

I don’t even know where to begin with how bad my job is. I knew it was bad from my first week and I told myself that I could quit with no repercussions or stay and potentially make it harder on myself. My second week a girl quit after being there for one year, I asked her what her plan was and she said she had none, she just had to get out. I’m 8 months in and every week just keeps getting worse. Since I’ve started, 6 people have left. He fires people just because he does not like them, most have left abruptly because they couldn’t take it anymore. The longest standing employee has only been there a year. I work in a non profit for kids and my boss is unhinged and borderline abusive. I feel like I’m in a hostage situation and because he signs out paychecks he owns us. Ive started to stand up for myself and not take his bullshit and he’s written me off. He leaves me out of emails, does not allow me to speak at meetings, takes me off projects. I’ve been able to tolerate things with minor/major crash outs up until our giant banquet “for the kids.” Staff were asked to not only work at the banquet after hours but additionally buy tickets for $100. All of staff said they weren’t buying the tickets (I started it) and the boss basically said we can’t eat. We stood there on the outskirts the banquet room while the kids and parents asked us to sit with them. It was humiliating. He did not acknowledge us once during his many speeches and photos even though we are the backbone of the entire company. He didn’t even acknowledge us in passing. This job is so bad I genuinely can talk about it for days. I took off yesterday and I am going to again tomorrow. I haven’t been in since the banquet and with Monday off I haven’t been able to come back. I have no security net and knowing him he would fire me if I continued even with my PTO time. I can’t take this anymore I’ve reached my limit.

I’m rewatching Handmaids Tale and I watched the part where Fred arranges for June to go see Hannah at the old Mackenzie house. When she finally breaks into the garage and unravels the fancy sports car, the radio was on a resistance radio station. I remember the person on the radio addressing Americans and very anti-Gilead. Now I’m watching the Testaments kind of at the same time and I can’t help but be overly curious about what Mackenzie is hiding or what his story is. I feel like he might surprise me. I haven’t read any of the books but, thought I’d share my observations and see if anyone thinks similarly.

This weekend was hard honestly. I showed up to his house on Friday after not hearing from him for a few days and I was prepared to walk into his room with him face down covered in vomit. I found him in a bit of a panic and we took a walk to the park where we sat down for a bit and talked. He told me that he made the phone call to get help and checked himself into a program that many of his AA friends recommended to him.

We went back to his house and worked on cleaning up his room. Cans upon cans and bottles upon bottles just scattered all across. He looked frozen just staring at everything. I told him he didn’t have to watch. We took all his laundry to my house and took out all of the trash. He feels hopeful and I am in awe of his courage and strength to keep trying. Hearing him talk about things so openly felt refreshing. Him accepting outside support not only from me but reaching out to his Mom and also letting his AA friends know where he was going. Admitting that he couldn’t stop and that what he was doing (binge, AA, binge again, back to AA) would not have stopped if he just continued with the same processes. He was open about how his mental health played into it all.

Monday I dropped him off and I broke down when I got back into my car. I cried for a while driving home. Watching him walk up the stairs with all his bags. He is so hopeful about this program and I hope it is everything he hopes it will be. I hope that he finds what he is looking for and that he took this step on his own.