u/TemporaryAardvark907

I’ve wanted a hysterectomy since I knew what one was, about age 14. I’m trans, have had top surgery and been on hormones for 4 years now- I’ve had absolutely no regrets with my transition and know exactly what I want.

I have a hysterectomy scheduled for late this October, but I need a permission letter from my therapist. I semi-recently got a new therapist who is a DID expert, and when I brought up the hysterectomy, she seemed very hesitant. She asked if all parts want it, how I knew that, if I thought it could be related to trauma- a lot of questions about the validity of my need for the surgery. I understand that she’s just doing her due diligence, but I’m scared she doesn’t see me as genuinely trans and won’t approve the surgery.

Has anyone been in this spot before? How am I supposed to convince her this is something I need and unrelated to the disorder?

My eating has been messed up nearly my entire life. As a kid I had what was probably AN, then gained some weight, then started obsessing over food way more and my habits got way more unhealthy. Right now I’m stuck in the binge restrict cycle- technically eating enough to maintain, but through bingeing, and often trying to burn off everything I ate through intense exercise and restriction during the day. Probably something close to exercise bulimia, though I have no diagnoses. I’m often dizzy and nauseous and generally feel very unwell, and I know it’s because of my messed up eating habits, but I can’t stop.

I work as a farmer right now and have already been struggling, but when the season is over I’m going to be joining a bike hauling co-op where I’ll be expected to haul 300+ lbs by bike regularly. I absolutely HAVE to be able to be healthy and strong for this job- I can’t faint during it, I can’t be weak and dizzy, and I probably shouldn’t even lose weight beforehand. Basically: I need to recover ASAP and build up my strength, but my relationship to food is so messed up and has been for so long that I’m terrified (both of recovery and of NOT recovering)

I’m so sick of winding up in the hospital with a medical collapse, over and over. I know it isn’t healthy and I’m so tired and messed up all the time. But this is all I know how to do.

I am going to try not to go into too much detail here, but have been really struggling with this lately. For reference, both me and my brother had similar uncomfortable, boundary-crossing experiences with my dad.

Mainly, what makes me viscerally uncomfortable and what leads me to somatic flashbacks is something that happened during story time and at synagogue while praying. My dad would have me lay directly on top of him while he was reading, pressed up against his body. Which by itself is relatively benign, I think, since he was completely clothed and it seemed fine. But he would have an erection nearly every time he was lying there, or every time we stood for prayer (he’d have me stand in front of him, again pressed against his body).

It was uncomfortable and made me feel super weird. Sometimes he’d have me lay down with my back to him, and sometimes my front, but I’d always feel it pressing into me. I understand that it was an involuntary physical reaction on his part, but I feel uncomfortable that he had me lay on top of him when his body was doing that.

Now, I often get these intense physical sensations of the same thing, or even full penetration. I can’t really think about story time or things like that without getting these intense emotional and mental sensations, like I’m back there laying against him again. I don’t really know what to think about it- it wasn’t CSA really, and may have not been bad at all. But it made me feel so weird and bad.

I’ve been having a lot of trouble sleeping all the way through the night. I wake up at pretty much every noise, no matter how quiet- I have a cat and a roommate and the cat wakes me up when she meows, the roommate when they walk past my room, anything. Not to mention nightmares that will wake me up regardless of whether there’s noise or not.

My therapist said it’s hypervigilance, which I understand, but how do I fix it? I can’t bring myself to take the sleeping meds I’ve been prescribed because I’m worried I won’t be able to wake up if someone enters my room or if something happens.

Does anyone else deal with this and have a solution? My emotional regulation/anger and flashbacks get so much worse when I don’t sleep. It’s a real problem.

I have Bipolar I and severe PTSD. I know logically that I need sleeping meds at least sometimes, but I’m scared to take them because I get very nervous about not being able to wake up if someone comes into my room. I sleep very lightly otherwise and wake up with pretty much every sound and it makes me feel a lot safer.

I haven’t been sleeping well lately and I know the solution is meds, but I can’t get myself to take them. I’ve tried meditating, progressive muscle relaxation, soothing music/rain sounds, pretty much everything but meds, even though I have a prescription and have access to them and am supposed to take them.

I recognize this is probably something to talk to my therapist about and try to overcome, but so far I haven’t been able to do it and I’m looking for other advice for falling and staying asleep without essentially being forced into a sleep-coma through meds.

I have a very close friend who I care for a great deal, and who has BPD and struggles a lot with it. She’s really an amazing person who feels things very deeply and has a very hard time in general, and I’m glad I can be a support for her and have her in my life- but lately she’s been saying things that make me worry she’s idealizing me/putting me on a pedestal, and it makes me uncomfortable because I want our friendship to stay on equal standing.

I’m worried I’m her FP and that it’s going to ruin our friendship. She’s never explicitly said that I am, but we text constantly and she talks a lot about how I’ve been such a good influence in her life and helped with her dissociation and all these really intense things. I’m just a normal fallible person and I’m scared that if I’m idealized, when I inevitably mess up, it’ll be completely crushing to her.

She’s also asked several times if I want to be in a relationship with her, which I’ve turned down because I’m not in a place where I can date and want to just stay friends- but she keeps asking if we can be more (she asked a few days ago if I was into pet play and if she could be my cat?) and I also don’t really know how to assert my boundaries without hurting her.

Anyways- I don’t know if this is a common problem, but I’d love some advice! Thank you all.

When I was very young, I’d have night terrors involving penetration almost every night. At that point, I didn’t even really know what it was or that it was a sexual thing- but I’d have these vivid, hyper-realistic dreams and wake up physically feeling it. I had severe pain down there up until second year of college and never experienced actual penetration that I knew of, but when I finally did, the physical sensations matched up perfectly with my nightmares.

I’m wondering if anyone else had dreams/nightmares like this? I don’t have any memories of actual penetration occurring but the nightmares make me wonder if it happened and I’m just blocking it out- because they’re so realistic, and there’s no way I could have known what it felt like physically that young otherwise.

I still get the nightmares, but much less often now.

There’s not really anywhere ai can share this so I’m posting here- I had an appointment last week for a hysterectomy consult and it got approved and scheduled that day! I’ve wanted a hysto since high school when I started menstruating, I described having a uterus to the doctor as “literal body horror”(which she wrote in my chart lol).

She was amazing, she coached me through what I needed to say out loud to get it approved (serious side effects from BC, medical reasons for removal instead of just gender affirming, etc.) so it should be covered completely by insurance.

So excited to not have to think about having this organ anymore, and to not have to think about it being inside my body.

I have PTSD from something that happened when I was in middle school. I never thought I’d make it to the age of 15, much less 25, and I feel like part of me really did die back then, and I’m just the shell of what’s leftover.

I have a really hard time reckoning with the fact that I’m alive and that I went through what I went through- that it was me, not some other kid I’m reading about or watching on TV, and that I’m the same person I was back then. There’s no continuity or connection there- it’s like my life is completely split into “before” and “after”.

Does anyone else feel like this? Just completely disconnected to who they were when it happened? Or feel like you died, even if you know you survived?

I am looking to explore sensation play with a close friend who wants to do it with me- I can’t stand skin to skin contact and am looking for ideas!

So far I have the thoughts of rope/compression, wax, impact, and I’m super intrigued by violet wands/electrostim. I typically enjoy more intense sensations as opposed to light or ticklish sensations. I also love harnesses and feeling something tight and secure against my body!

One self just wants desperately to be as small as possible, to disappear, is terrified to eat anything and guilty whenever I do. And then the other wants so badly to be strong and capable, to be able to go for long bike rides and backpack and garden without getting dizzy, to be able to squeeze out shampoo without using both hands, to not think about it for every waking moment of my life. Half of me is so trapped in this and half sees the whole thing as the threat to my entire existence that it is.

I’m quite literally ruining my body and my life doing this- and for what? Because the half of me that’s scared and reacting to trauma is stronger than the half that wants to be healthy.

I don’t know how to fix this. I’ve been fighting this battle for 13 years now, and it’s like playing whack-a-mole with my own maladjusted mind.

My best friend, who I care about very much, texted me last night and asked if I knew anything about pet play and said they wanted to be my cat. They’ve expressed interest in a romantic relationship before, which I didn’t reciprocate, so it’s clear they want intimacy with me. Neither of us are interested in sex, so it’s definitely not a sexual thing, but it seems very intimate and intense and a bit out of the blue.

It’s not that I’m not interested necessarily- I like to think I’m willing to give anything a try at least once. But is this typically how things like this start? And I feel like it’s putting me in a more controlling, dominant role which makes me worry the friendship/relationship will be unbalanced. If we do both decide to do this, how do we keep that from happening? If they’re “my” cat, then how is that not unbalanced?

And what does it entail? They mentioned me petting them and then nuzzling against me, meowing and purring, but is there generally anything else? I’ll also speak with them about what they envision, but I want some more info in general if possible.

Hi all. Posting again, sorry. My sleep has been on a downward trend for a bit but has taken a steep drop off a sleep cliff the past few nights- which is to say, I’ve gotten a total of 39 minutes over the past 3 days. Slightly worrying!

That being said, I’m 90% sure I’m not manic. I’m actually doing better saving money than I usually do, am not being reckless or impulsive, am not speaking fast or having delusions. I’m not tired, but not really wired either- just feeling kind of normal.

I’m inclined to wait it out, but I had a friend tell me I needed to go to the ER today lol. What should I do? Sleeping meds aren’t doing anything.

Edit to add that I tried getting into contact with my psychiatrist but she’s on leave, the covering CNP told me to avoid screens at night and take Benadryl and that that would help, and not to go to the ER because it didn’t sound very bad. So I don’t really know what to do.

I just laid in bed all night staring at the ceiling, bored out of my mind. According to my sleep tracker I managed to nod off for a grand total of 2 minutes, which marks the worst night in a streak of bad nights. I didn’t even realize I hadn’t been sleeping, I’ve been feeling fine so I haven’t been checking- but it went from a solid 7-9 a night to 4-5, then 3, and now this. Other than not sleeping though I’m showing no signs of mania. I’m not overspending or being impulsive or doing anything outside of the ordinary.

Should I give it one more night and see if I can get some rest before freaking out? My psychiatrist is genuinely infuriating and I don’t want to deal with her if I don’t have to.

I just gave up on trying to sleep. I got 12 minutes. I haven’t been looking at my sleep chart lately, but pulled it up because I had a sinking feeling in my stomach. After 6 months of an average of 7+ hours a night, the last 3 weeks have been steadily dropping. I’ve been having a bit of a hard time lately- I’ve been irritable and tired and high strung. Just generally off. I didn’t think I was in the danger zone but the sleep is making me nervous.

I discovered BDSM when I was introduced to my local kink community through a independent queer kinky theatre production, where a ton of people from the local scene acted. I initially was just doing costume design, but would up being roped (ha) into acting. The play itself was pretty wild, but the after party was INSANE, and a huge awakening for me- people took turns flogging and paddling each other, and offered to give it a go with me, and I learned that I absolutely love it.

I didn’t think there was any form of touch I could tolerate. I have a history of CSA and adult SA, and have never been able to stand traditional romantic touch- I can’t kiss, hug, hold hands, much less have sex. I absolutely can’t stand light touch, and will have panic attacks. But impact? It feels absolutely incredible. I knew I liked the feeling of bruises because it’s something I’d actually do to myself, as a sensation-seeking thing, but having someone else consensually hit me was the most incredible feeling I’ve ever felt.

The play ended and I lost the opportunity to experience impact. This was a year ago and I’ve been thinking about it since then- I haven’t been in a relationship in seven years, mostly because most people are looking for sex and touch, and it’s not something I can do. But this is something that works for me! Even more than that, it’s something I’ve been craving like crazy.

Is there a safe way to try this out no-strings-attached? Eventually I’d love to be in a relationship where we can do this regularly, and have a romance outside of impact (doing the romance thing and then doing impact in the “bedroom” is the absolute best thing I can imagine), but in the meantime I think I just would love a domme (I think that’s right?) who can be this for me while I figure it out.

It’s like I finally was opened up to this amazing world with the solution to what I needed and wanted, and then the play ended and everything dispersed and my life went back to normal, and I missed my chance to have what I learned could be amazing for me.

Advice?

I am considering telling my best friend of seven years that I have this disorder. She knows I have severe PTSD- she visited me inpatient when I was there last year. I travel into her city for group therapy every week and we get coffee every time. So she knows some of what’s going on, that my mental health isn’t great, that I have pretty bad trauma and I’m pretty messed up.

But she doesn’t know about my parts, or how I function, or that there are other parts of me that also want to get to know her and be her friend. She’s probably the only person that I have ever wanted be overt with.

I don’t even know if it would happen. I’ve never been comfortable with anyone noticing it or seeing it before, even though it happened anyways- I don’t know what would happen if I gave myself and my parts “permission”. I’m terrified of ruining the friendship and part of me feels like it’s the worst idea in the world, but part of me is sick of pretending. IDK. I keep going back and forth on it.

I’ve been super reliant on weed for a long time for mitigating my ED, to the point where I have a very hard time eating without it. Lately I’ve been making an effort to commit to smoking less (usually I smoke every night and binge all my calories), but without smoking, I have no appetite and it’s SO easy to restrict.

I’m falling back into dangerous behaviors and I don’t know what to do. I need to eat a huge amount to stay functional as I’m extremely active, I have a manual labor job and bike nearly >!28!< miles every day to commute. Bingeing after smoking was the only way I was eating enough to survive and now I’m losing that, and half of me is ecstatic about it while the other half is so worried.

I stopped smoking because I was beginning to wake up in the morning and purge everything I had eaten because I couldn’t stand feeling the food inside of me, so even that wasn’t working anymore. I’ve tried eating a “normal” meal before smoking to mitigate the binge, but that didn’t work either.

I don’t really know what to do. Every time I’ve started heavily restricting I’ve ended up in the hospital and I’m terrified it’ll happen again, I can’t afford that and I’m so scared of the hospital.