u/TheEdgeofGoon

I ordered two medium Hass avocados and, against all odds, Amazon somehow managed to deliver… two medium Hass avocados.

The packaging did not contain a handwritten note from the farmer, a tiny mariachi band, or instructions for achieving guacamole enlightenment. It simply contained two greenish-black ovals of botanical competence that sat silently on my counter judging my impatience.

As with all avocados, they existed in a quantum state between “hard enough to crack a countertop” and “overripe mush,” with an approximately 17-minute window of perfect readiness. I blinked and nearly missed it.

When I finally cut one open, I was relieved to discover the inside was, in fact, avocado-colored. The pit was present and accounted for, occupying a wildly disproportionate percentage of the fruit as if it were paying premium California rent.

The taste was exactly what decades of avocado consumption had prepared me for: pleasantly creamy, mildly nutty, and entirely incapable of changing the trajectory of my life. I did not become healthier, trendier, or suddenly capable of making artisan toast.

The second avocado performed its duties with equal professionalism, refusing to innovate in any measurable way.

In a marketplace obsessed with disruption, these avocados stubbornly remained avocados. Dependable. Predictable. Adequately medium. Five stars for having absolutely no ambition beyond being exactly what they claimed to be. Would reluctantly entrust them with future guacamole endeavors.

I finally had sex at age 23 this week, and now that know how to do it, have this urge to go and sleep through the entire country. It calls to me like the Green Goblin mask. l'd never have considered this before, but now the only thing stopping me is the risk of STDS and lacking social battery.

Edit: am non-binary for clarification