u/TheSeedsYouSow

this line hits me like a punch to the gut every time☹️☹️☹️I relate to it so strongly

As a sensitive young man in his (late) 20s living in a major gay capital, something I’ve struggled with for a long time is a perceived inability to express genuine emotion among my peers.

Everyone is so concerned with being cool, unbothered, unfazed, detached.

I go to a concert with a friend and they say it’s “cute.” I go to a club to dance with my friends and it’s “cute.” Everything is reduced to being merely “cute.” Nobody ever says anything is great, or amazing, or bad, or boring, or incredible.

Is anyone even actually enjoying themselves? When I go to a concert for an artist I love, I’m so excited and happy to be there and I express that genuinely. I tell my friends regularly that I’m grateful for their friendship. I try to be a sounding board, to be supportive, to initiate plans, to show appreciation and gratitude, to actively listen more than I speak.

Perhaps I expect too much from people, but I never seem to receive anything like what I give back, which would be fine if it didn’t constantly leave me feeling like I’m “too much” - too affectionate, too sensitive, too warm, not cool and chill.

Curious if I’m alone in feeling this way, and/or what I should do about it?

I wish to be pickled, perfectly preserved

Suspended in a jar on the windowsill

I wish to be pickled, frozen in time

Achieving some sort of nirvana

I wish to be pickled, made into a meal

Consumed by a man with a beard

And as he wipes my excesses away

The parts deemed too sour, too sweet to filet

Rise up in a brine pouring straight from my eyes

And leave nothing but echoes of my pickled waste

I’ve been seeing this guy for the past two months and I thought it was going to turn into my first real relationship. For the first two weeks he was so sweet affectionate, attentive, always texting me and telling me he misses me and going out of his way to see me, FaceTime me, buying me roses, calling me handsome and beautiful. He even introduced me to his friends, kept saying he wanted to be in a relationship.

About two weeks in he started talking about how he has sex with so many guys all the time, about his ex. We weren’t exclusive yet so, while I didn’t really enjoy hearing about it, I just let it slide because I didn’t really feel like I could say anything. (I’m an extreme people pleaser).

He also wanted me to be very submissive in bed as he’s more of a dominant masculine guy, which I don’t usually do as I’m a masculine guy myself but I thought sure I can do that. But he wanted me to do anal sex which I’ve always struggled with because it’s painful for me, but I kept trying because I really like him and I wanted to make him happy. It wasn’t really working and I brought up multiple times that I was concerned we might not be sexually compatible and he kept reassuring me that he wasn’t concerned, that it would take some time for me to feel comfortable and that we can just keep trying and that he’s happy.

Then he started being on his phone the entire time we were together, on Instagram, I kept seeing him talking to other guys in DMs, on Grindr. Again we still weren’t exclusive so I couldn’t really say anything about it but it was while we were together so it did hurt me. I felt like I was competing for his attention and that he has so many options. Literally we were on dates he’d say “oh I just got invited to a group sex party” and I’d really struggle to understand why he’d be spending time with me since it seemed like he had so many better options.

He’s only been in America for about two/three years after moving from the Middle East so I think he’s just experiencing being able to be openly gay for the first time, but he’s very into the toxic gay party scene and I’ve already gotten that out of my system.

When I met his friends for the first time I overheard him say “I’m in love.” Then a week ago when he slept over he said “good night my love.” He also kept joking about marriage. I asked him if he was joking about the “love” part and he said no. So I said I think I’m falling in love and he said he was too.

Anyway we went to the beach on Wednesday and it was obvious that he was frustrated the whole time, he was barely looking at me, walking in front of me, not holding my hand like he usually did. He kept saying he was fine. He was on his phone the whole time, on Instagram and Grindr, even sniffies which is like Grindr but even worse.

Finally I got him to talk and he said that he’s been frustrated that I haven’t been able to improve at anal sex as fast as he wants and that he needs to be able to do it every day because he’s horny all the time, even after he orgasms he’s hard again in 15 minutes. He seems naturally aggressive and he also uses testosterone so I feel like that’s maybe part of it.

I asked if this was over and he said maybe we just need a couple of days to think things over, maybe just take things slower. So I asked him to speak yesterday and he said he was at the beach and that we can talk today.

It’s over :(

I’ve been seeing this guy for the past two months and I thought it was going to turn into my first real relationship. For the first two weeks he was so sweet affectionate, attentive, always texting me and telling me he misses me and going out of his way to see me, FaceTime me, buying me roses, calling me handsome and beautiful. He even introduced me to his friends, kept saying he wanted to be in a relationship.

About two weeks in he started talking about how he has sex with so many guys all the time, about his ex. We weren’t exclusive yet so, while I didn’t really enjoy hearing about it, I just let it slide because I didn’t really feel like I could say anything. (I’m an extreme people pleaser).

He also wanted me to be very submissive in bed as he’s more of a dominant masculine guy, which I don’t usually do as I’m a masculine guy myself but I thought sure I can do that. But he wanted me to do anal sex which I’ve always struggled with because it’s painful for me, but I kept trying because I really like him and I wanted to make him happy. It wasn’t really working and I brought up multiple times that I was concerned we might not be sexually compatible and he kept reassuring me that he wasn’t concerned, that it would take some time for me to feel comfortable and that we can just keep trying and that he’s happy.

Then he started being on his phone the entire time we were together, on Instagram, I kept seeing him talking to other guys in DMs, on Grindr. Again we still weren’t exclusive so I couldn’t really say anything about it but it was while we were together so it did hurt me. I felt like I was competing for his attention and that he has so many options. Literally we were on dates he’d say “oh I just got invited to a group sex party” and I’d really struggle to understand why he’d be spending time with me since it seemed like he had so many better options.

He’s only been in America for about two/three years after moving from the Middle East so I think he’s just experiencing being able to be openly gay for the first time, but he’s very into the toxic gay party scene and I’ve already gotten that out of my system.

When I met his friends for the first time I overheard him say “I’m in love.” Then a week ago when he slept over he said “good night my love.” He also kept joking about marriage. I asked him if he was joking about the “love” part and he said no. So I said I think I’m falling in love and he said he was too.

Anyway we went to the beach on Wednesday and it was obvious that he was frustrated the whole time, he was barely looking at me, walking in front of me, not holding my hand like he usually did. He kept saying he was fine. He was on his phone the whole time, on Instagram and Grindr, even sniffies which is like Grindr but even worse.

Finally I got him to talk and he said that he’s been frustrated that I haven’t been able to improve at anal sex as fast as he wants and that he needs to be able to do it every day because he’s horny all the time, even after he orgasms he’s hard again in 15 minutes. He seems naturally aggressive and he also uses testosterone so I feel like that’s maybe part of it.

I asked if this was over and he said maybe we just need a couple of days to think things over, maybe just take things slower. So I asked him to speak yesterday and he said he was at the beach and that we can talk today. So I’m waiting for him to respond to my text. I feel so sad.

Also I’m pretty sure he’s on here so if you’re reading this, hey. I miss you lmao.

Update on the previous post linked above

I’ve been seeing this guy for the past two months and I thought it was going to turn into my first real relationship. For the first two weeks he was so sweet affectionate, attentive, always texting me and telling me he misses me and going out of his way to see me, FaceTime me, buying me roses, calling me handsome and beautiful. He even introduced me to his friends, kept saying he wanted to be in a relationship.

About two weeks in he started talking about how he has sex with so many guys all the time, about his ex. We weren’t exclusive yet so, while I didn’t really enjoy hearing about it, I just let it slide because I didn’t really feel like I could say anything. (I’m an extreme people pleaser).

He also wanted me to be very submissive in bed as he’s more of a dominant masculine guy, which I don’t usually do as I’m a masculine guy myself but I thought sure I can do that. But he wanted me to do anal sex which I’ve always struggled with because it’s painful for me, but I kept trying because I really like him and I wanted to make him happy. It wasn’t really working and I brought up multiple times that I was concerned we might not be sexually compatible and he kept reassuring me that he wasn’t concerned, that it would take some time for me to feel comfortable and that we can just keep trying and that he’s happy.

Then he started being on his phone the entire time we were together, on Instagram, I kept seeing him talking to other guys in DMs, on Grindr. Again we still weren’t exclusive so I couldn’t really say anything about it but it was while we were together so it did hurt me. I felt like I was competing for his attention and that he has so many options. Literally we were on dates he’d say “oh I just got invited to a group sex party” and I’d really struggle to understand why he’d be spending time with me since it seemed like he had so many better options.

He’s only been in America for about two/three years after moving from the Middle East so I think he’s just experiencing being able to be openly gay for the first time, but he’s very into the toxic gay party scene and I’ve already gotten that out of my system.

When I met his friends for the first time I overheard him say “I’m in love.” Then a week ago when he slept over he said “good night my love.” He also kept joking about marriage. I asked him if he was joking about the “love” part and he said no. So I said I think I’m falling in love and he said he was too.

Anyway we went to the beach on Wednesday and it was obvious that he was frustrated the whole time, he was barely looking at me, walking in front of me, not holding my hand like he usually did. He kept saying he was fine. He was on his phone the whole time, on Instagram and Grindr, even sniffies which is like Grindr but even worse.

Finally I got him to talk and he said that he’s been frustrated that I haven’t been able to improve at anal sex as fast as he wants and that he needs to be able to do it every day because he’s horny all the time, even after he orgasms he’s hard again in 15 minutes. He seems naturally aggressive and he also uses testosterone so I feel like that’s maybe part of it.

I asked if this was over and he said maybe we just need a couple of days to think things over, maybe just take things slower. So I asked him to speak yesterday and he said he was at the beach and that we can talk today. So I’m waiting for him to respond to my text. I feel so sad.