u/Xova_YT

My mom gets mad when I have meltdowns (or really demonstrate any strong emotion) so I have to bottle stuff up.

I have a new job starting tomorrow. For a lot of reasons, I am dreading it, but after a year and a half of no employment and over 100 applications in my tiny town, this was the only one I could get. I have a BA in English and am applying soon for an MFA and I am making $10/hour. But whatever.

Anyway, I’m nervous about it. I walk to regulate myself while listening to music or podcasts or audiobooks. However I haven’t been able to walk lately as my mom has been leaving her puppy outside. He is 6 months old and loves teething, biting, and tearing at clothes. He gets excited very easily. I couldn’t walk for having to fend him off fo me. I could not bring him inside to take him to his pen on the other side of the house because the last time he got inside Mom yelled at me. I also couldn’t get in because he would follow me and she would get mad. So I was left with knocking on the window and she came out.

I was very overwhelmed and started crying and couldn’t help it. Which then turned into a meltdown. I started screaming and hitting myself. Mom kept yelling at me and asking questions, demanding I repeat myself or answer her very complex questions. She kept chewing me out and saying I probably wasn’t cut out for this job if this was my reaction. I ran inside and went downstairs where I kept crying and trying to do my DBT and mindfulness my therapist was telling me about but I couldn’t. I went nonverbal which has never happened before in my life. I’m such a fucking loser.

I also got ghosted today by two different girls I matched with which didn’t help.

Girl I don’t know very well but have chatted with a few times messaged me on Facebook wanting to vent. We talk for a week and I ask if she wants to hang out and talk about it in person. She says maybe in a few weeks because she is very busy (this was a lie). I spend nearly a month listening to her talk about how she is afraid I will ghost her and she has such a big heart and gets taken advantage of a lot because of it and her compulsive need to do the right thing for people. She says how much she appreciates me listening to her. She would even flirt occasionally and then pull back.

Then last night, kind of out of nowhere, she started sending one word messages. Then ghosted me. It’s been nearly 24 hours and she usually will message me within an hour. She’s been posting on social media.

Going tomorrow for the sale at B&N. Was curious which movies are hardest to watch online as that sometimes informs my purchases. For instance, I bought Salo almost exclusively because it’s so hard to find. Does anyone have any recommendations or is there a good resource to cross reference?

i have nothing going for me. no job and have sent out probably 100 applications by now even to retail and I have a fucking BA. no irl friends. no family I like. the girl I like doesnt like me back. I gained a bunch of weight back that I lost plus some. my hand is fucked up because a couple months ago my dog died and I punched the ground and I dont have money to fix it. i have autism too. i hate my mother. my grandma is mentally disabled. the only person i regularly talk to is my therapist. every day I really just wanna get in bed and do nothing. i have no energy. I just wanna watch tiktoks and youtube and sleep and listen to my lil creepy story podcasts. i’m 27 and I’m a fucking loser.

I (27M) have a friend on Facebook (30s F). We haven't met. I kind of impulse-added her years ago because she had a lot of mutual friends as I did and she seemed fun/cute.

Over the last few years we have messaged off and on sporadically. Some of these conversations were slightly flirty or could have been read that way but not enough for me to definitely think she was interested.

Two nights ago, she messaged me out of the blue needing to talk to me because she had a lot going on and wanted some fun conversation to distract her. Over the next day and some change, we talked about her life and her interests some more. The conversation started to take a flirtier turn last night when she was bantering with me. I showed the conversation to my friend's girlfriend and got some advice.

The girl I was talking to said she had seen me in public before but was too nervous to approach me and couldn't think of an "opener." She also hadn't wanted me to see her for the first time dressed very casually.

I took this as a cue and said I thought she was cute and asked her out. She said she is not cute, is older than me, and has a lot of anxiety due to past bad experiences. I replied that if she didn't want to go out, that was fine. It was up to her but also none of that was true or makes me not-interested in her. She said it would be a few weeks before she was free but we could keep talking and plan a "casual meetup" if "we aren't sick of each other by then." We kept talking a bit but I fell asleep. She's at work so I haven't heard much out of her today (which also is worrying me).

But I feel anxious, creepy, pathetic, embarrassed, and guilty. I don't think I did anything wrong, but I am autistic and have very low self-esteem. I feel that me expressing interest at all (even if I said she could say no, which maybe was a bad move, Idk) was inherently predatory, especially since I probably misread the interactions.

Can anyone else relate to this? I hate myself. I see myself as beneath other people. People have careers and families and I have none of that and I think I am, mathematically, beneath that person. I see someone I find attractive who is pretty and successful and I can’t even speak to them because I know I can’t give them anything they can’t get better elsewhere.

On the other hand, I go to stores and people park their carts crosseyed in the aisles. I go to theaters and people talk the whole time or scroll on their phones. I get made fun of by teenagers at the mall for reasons I’m not sure of. I see people who seem oblivious to their own lives and I resent that and I resent I am some eldritch abomination that can’t partake. I am on a different wavelength. I’m only getting every other word. I can’t talk to them.

I've tried reclining back chairs and I hate them. I just can't do it. I have to have all or nothing. My current one is like $100 and is peeling very badly, so I need a new one, but sadly I don't think they make this model anymore.

I (27M) am in therapy for autism, OCD, and social anxiety as well as family problems. I have very low self esteem. My therapist is hosting a cookout barbecue and board game event at her office tonight out of hours with her clients. I have massive reservations about this both because of who I am as a person and I don't really like interacting with other people and also it just kind of feels weird. Given the therapist-client relationship. I get nervous talking to cashiers at restaurants or I mean at shops and waiters at restaurants and stuff. Like I don't know why she invited me to this and really genuinely expected me to come. I said I would because I do that. I just kind of say whatever gets me out of the situation but I don't really want to go. I just feel scared and stressed with this hanging over my head but also I'm afraid I'm going to miss out on something because she really did want me to go

Also being autistic I have strict limits on when, where, and under what conditions I feel comfortable with eating. I will feel pressured and uncomfortable if everyone else is eating to do so too.

I (27M) am in therapy for autism, OCD, C-PTSD, and social anxiety as well as family problems. I have very low self esteem. My therapist is hosting a cookout barbecue and board game event at her office tonight out of hours with her clients but it is also open to the community. I have massive reservations about this both because of who I am as a person and I don't really like interacting with other people and also it just kind of feels weird. Given the therapist-client relationship. I get nervous talking to cashiers at shops and waiters at restaurants and stuff. Like I don't know why she invited me to this and really genuinely expected me to come. I said I would because I do that. I just kind of say whatever gets me out of the situation but I don't really want to go. I just feel scared and stressed with this hanging over my head but also I'm afraid I'm going to miss out on something because she really did want me to go.

Also being autistic I have strict limits on when, where, and under what conditions I feel comfortable with eating. I will feel pressured and uncomfortable if everyone else is eating to do so too.

EDIT: I had written this with voice to text so I didn't catch a few issues with it, oops.

I live in a small town and wasn’t getting anything from my more local applications so I expaned my search. Applied to a job 45 mins away. Application required about an hour of testing and forms. Got called for an interview. Drove 45 mins. Hiring manager was 15 mins late and hadn’t read my resume. Asked me two questions. Got the rejection email before I got to my car. Had to drive 45 mins home.

If you’re going to waste someone’s time to this extent you should have to compensate them.

I have a golden retriever named Teddy (for Theodore). I am getting a female golden retriever soon but I’m struggling to settle for a name. I like Dolly but it feels too similar to Teddy and to my previous dog, Ellie (named for a combination of Eleanor Roosevelt and Ellie from The Last of Us). Teddy is named after Theodore Roosevelt and to a lesser extent Theo from Haunting of Hill House. Almost every name I come up with though sounds too similar. Does anyone have any suggestions for names that will pair well with Mr. Teddy?

I love Marty in Marty Supreme as a character. I think he’s super fascinating and he has so much charisma from Timothee. I have also seen Uncut Gems and Good Time so I have all of Safdie’s catalog checked off. But I want more movies with characters like him. Not really pulling off heists or anything but doing low level cons or schemes to get what he wants out of desperation.

Jennifer Cook using AI extensively on her Instagram is disappointing to say the least. Most of her captions are very clearly “written by” ChatGPT. Her being an author promoting her work only to basically claim writing that isn’t hers is unprofessional and unbecoming of someone who is otherwise such a positive role model. She has so much insight herself, too, it’s a shame to see her outsource it to a machine. It’s not a mortal sin or anything but it does make me hesitant to support any future writing she does.