u/downontheupsid3

A couple of weeks ago I failed my vision test at the dmv and had to get glasses to pass it so now my license has restriction on it that I have to wear them while driving

I have been trying to get used them this week but they make me feel a bit dizzy and sort of have poor balance which is sort of hard to deal with when im working

Is this normal, how long will it take to get used to

I just turned 26 and for some reason ive been super fucked up ive been crying a lot ive been breaking down at random for no reason I feel more fucked then I ever have

When I was 10 years old I was being abused practically every day my dad would physically and verbally abused when I was at home and I was getting sexually abused outside of home by my baseball coach there was safety for a couple years I survived it but I completely fell apart in my head just wanted to kill myself for years so no one else would have satisfaction of taking any more of me I remember my 12th birthday feeling the most alone I had ever felt and wanting to end it

But I didn't because I was holding out that maybe in the soon things will be different in the future would be different well the future is here and I fucking feel just as fucked I spent all this time waiting for something or someone to save me that never came I dunno what to do i dont wanna keep feeling like this, it messes with me so bad sometimes its hard to breathe

I wanna know what it feels like to find some place that's safe

Im 26 now I was was sexually abused when I was 10 years old by my coach its becoming something that really is unbearable to me lately I feel like a lot of traumatizing events in my life just won't stop showing up in my thoughts everyday ive never really been able to talk about in reality I tried telling someone this before and probably had the thing I was most afraid of happen

Im just so tired of carrying this around all the time its been so long over 5000 days since I fell apart I just want to feel ok instead of just void wating for some kind of change, Ive been in search of some kind place where there things feel safe where im not alone living in my head, ive hated myself for so long I feel like giving up

Lately ive just been feeling like shit like I just have been trying to deal with this stuff in my head for so long, I managed to bury it down for years but the bast couple of weeks I just feel like im falling apart ive been crying everyday something I usually can avoid but I just keep having these breakdowns and I don't know what to do so I dunno i guess I just wanted to talk about it even if no one is listening

when I was 4 i remember my father was always pretty violent remember this one night I could hear him screaming from the living room because the battery cap on the tv remote got lost and me and my sister got lined up and beaten. sometimes he would kick me for seemingly no reason other than to vent frustration i remember one time when i was 6 he almost crashed the car on purpose to scare my mom during an argument outside of a checkers crazy behavior but at the time I had always assumed it was normal behavior and learned to just walk on eggshells for years.

I do remember noticing things begin to worsen around the time i was 10 when. I decided I wanted to be in the MLB as a career so I start to playing baseball in some program and this is when I really started to notice stuff getting worse my first season playing baseball I thought it was going pretty ok at first technically my team was pretty bad and i was probably the worst player we only had won 1 out out a 20 game season my dad was always pretty upset after my games or practice because my dad is a lifelong baseball fan so he would always chew me out and insult me in the car ride home

I remember during my third practice session it was the first time I had practiced for the outfield position I accidentally missed a catch and got hit in the eye I got knocked out on impact for like a couple of minutes I remember waking up everyone on the team was around me I was so shocked for like 20 minutes I couldnt tell how fucked up I was until I was halfway home, when I finally got home I notice my left eye is completely swollen what little I can I see of my eyeball was completely red because I popped a couple of blood vessels and even seeing me with my face swollen and bleeding when my dad gets home he wastes no time just ripping into me calling me a fucking idiot and that next time don't miss the ball

eventually got sent to this thing it was kinda like baseball camp i stayed there for like 6 hours a day practicing for a couple of weeks with this coach named ricardo the dude really made me uncomfortable he was like 64 and I dunno im not really comfortable with people just touching me and this dude was always touching back and my shoulders in a creepy way and few times he grabbed my ass for way too long to be an accident

I finally stop going to the special coaching thing its been a couple months since i saw ricardo until one day at one of my games i notice Ricardo was at the ball park and instarted to panic internally a bit and I thought he didnt notice me at first but a few hours later after my game is finished im just standing around not completely alert near this office type building in the ballpark and I suddenly feel myself get grabbed from behind and held there from someone big and I see an arm reach around from behind and grabs my crotch and feels up my genitals for like 20 seconds before letting go of me

He played it off like he was just messing around but i dunno i was pissed I dunno if thats technically considered sexual assault but like I dunno it just seemed fucked up to me ,I told my mom about it and she told that is wasn't that serious and it was just how some people act I still have no idea what that means to this day this interaction has fucked with me anytime someone touches me from behind it puts me in shock for a couple seconds

life at home isn't much better my dad just seems like he hates my guts all the time one day out he blamed me for something and starts beating the dog shit out of me

I start to notice he like can't stand me at all when I was relaxing or doing something that wasn't baseball practice one day after practice one of my last times going to practice i went to go play video games and he started to rip me a new one telling me everything I fucked up on in my life and then told me that he was embarrassed of me and that he was ashamed that I was his son he kept yelling at me but I mostly stopped hearing it after that half an hour later he finishes his rant and then told me to get the fuck out and I remember it was the first time I thought about killing myself after this event I quit playing baseball and have never done it again since

A couple weeks later he and my mom got into an argument because she caught him cheating on her and he vehemently denied it then he pulled out his gun and said he was going to kill himself my mom tried to get the gun away from him and he pistol whipped her and then left the house then after he was gone for a few hours my mom made me to call him and ask him not to kill himself

The situation eventually deescalates and he came back home and continued to be a peice of shit calling me every fucking insult imaginable around this time in my life think I just realized that this is it and it wont get better from here and i was right because he did stuff like this multiple times over the years

When I was 13 I had got diagnosed with high blood pressure most likely caused by stress I had to go to the doctor once a month was on some medication and somehow couldn't manage to lower it one day during one my appointments I get a different person then i was use to usually it was a woman who would just talk to me about my blood pressure results for that day and what I should I have to do to lower it

So this new Dr comes in the room he makes my mom leave which I thought it was kind of strange he locks the door looks at me dead in the face and then tells me to take off my clothes and I thought wtf this never happens then I asked why i need to and he just says I need to look at you i said something else and the dude yells at me so just end up doing it he never touched me he just stared at me for like 3 minutes maybe then he just left and that was it didnt tell me anything about my blood pressure I saw him again 2 months later talking with one of the nurses he saw me i made eye contact and then he just sort of left quickly

I thought about saying something but it was just too embarrassing I tried talking with people about the thing that happened with my coach like with my friends but I was given a bunch of insults homophobic remarks and laughed at so it just didnt seem worth the shaming

A couple weeks after this i had to go to a sleep study and before I went there my dad kept bothering me by joking that while im there that I was probably going to be molested while im asleep I have no idea why he thought it was funny knew in my head it was unlikely that it would happen but it was a subconscious irrational fear since I had just had this inappropriate interaction a couple of weeks ago then, I go to do the sleep study was there for about i think 7 hours I leave at like 3.30 am I finally get home and I find out my dad was going through all my stuff and he dumped everything in my dresser on my bed because according to him I put everything away wrong and then hours later at dinner continues to fuck with me telling me that while i was at the sleep study I was molested while I was unconscious

A couple of weeks after later I had forgotten to shovel some stuff in the backyard and he just blows up at me which im pretty im used to already but then threatens that because of this he was going to give my dog to the shelter this crushed me I had only had her for like a month at this point and she was like 4 months old even though I knew my dad was like a bad person i just figured that we're limits to the cruelty, i remember feeling helpless how could someone be like this why would someone go through so much effort to try to hurt me I had absolutely no one I could ask to help me from this point forward I just started spiraling mentally and kind of gave up trying to do anything other then just survive the day

I was around 16 when I started drinking regularly and then it continued to get more excessive By the time I was 18 I was starting to get heavily into alcohol abuse and was just sort of living in my head hating myself for being this fucking nothing pretty soon I ended up going to the hospital a because I hadnt eaten for like 36 days and had been throwing up every morning and I thought I was probably going die luckily for me I wasn't in as bad condition as I thought and once I stopped drinking as much I started to improve

Since then I have I have sort of put myself back together physically at least I haven't had any alcohol for about 6 years and i try to work out 4 times a week i got my bachelors degree this year but all of it was just external stuff for a couple of years I had myself i tricked myself into believing i was ok i buried all my feelings down inside and I tried to try distract myself from the stuff thats in my head, I just thought I would feel better about this stuff by now but it just fucks with me harder I've been wanting to drink everyday recently and its getting tougher to resist when i feel like i can't breathe and i wanna feel ok for a minute i just feel like theres nowhere to go from here

I just turned 26 last week my birthday always makes me a bit depressed but i just feel worse then usual i feel crying recently just hits me no matter where I am or what im doing i just cant believe its been so many years since i fell apart and i still feel this way i just feel so alone I can't talk to anyone about this in reality I tried and telling someone I was talking to and it ended pretty much exactly how I feared it would I hate myself sometimes I just think who I could've been without all this damage I just wanna feel ok so bad I wish I could tell someone and not be judged or feel fucked beyond repair its so hard to carry this shit all the times with nothing to look towards

Hello my today's my birthday just turned 26 feeling kind of down was hoping to make some friends im mostly into nerdy stuff I've been trying to read more books recently some other hobbies are i really enjoy horror type video games comic books and I enjoy a lot of different tv shows, i also really enjoy music probably the most important thing to me my favorite bands right now are soundgarden, alice in chains, the sundays, and dinosaur jr so if your interested in talking about stuff like that or something else just let me know be please be around my age or older thanks

My birthday is tomorrow im going to be 26 and I've been dreading it all month every year around this time i try to just forget about it and not think about it but people around me always bring it up I know they mean well it's just hard to explain to people why I feel awful about this and why I just wanna ignore it

Around my 12th birthday after one of my baseball games my dad was ripped me apart verbally because of my poor performance at the game he called me so many things and they all hurt but the thing that I still think about was that he told me that he was embarrassed of me and that he was ashamed that I was his son this really hurt me to my core I've just never felt good about myself since i was already feeling bad about myself since i got assaulted months earlier and just having all this shit happen at the same time just killed my sense of self

Its not even the worst thing that he did to me like the dude was a monster he would beat me anytime he would get frustrated growing up but for some reason the stuff he said to me always seems to rattle around in my head

I remember my 12th birthday came around and just wanting to kill myself and every birthday since I've just never felt good about myself and its always like this feeling of anxiety and stress every year. I dunno i just hate myself

So im 25 my license renewal is coming up pretty soon and I went last week to renew it i had a bit of a hard time with the vision test I kept messing it up and I didnt bring my glasses because last time when I first got my license years ago I didn't need them but apparently my eyesight has gotten a bit worse since then because I went to see an eye Dr so I could get new prescriptions and was told my prescription has changed so I order the new glasses but I was told I probably won't get them till the 11th and my license expires in like less then a week what should I do

Im a 25 m just wanna talk a bit about literally anything I just want to talk about something be social for a moment I dunno if you wanna talk about anything or just vent at me just dm me, thanks.

Hello im going to be 26 this may and lately I feel like i have really been affected mentally about stuff that happened when I was a kid im trying to explain the best I can im sorry this so ridiculously long I just have had no one else to talk to about this

I feel when I think of like early childhood like my first memories that I can recall was when I was 4 i remember my dad was very physically abusive I remember one time the battery cap on the tv remote got lost and he had me and my sister lined up and beaten. sometimes he would kick me beat me with shoes, belts, I remember one time when i was 6 he almost deliberately crashed the car outside of a checkers with my whole family inside, crazy behavior but at the time I had always assumed it was normal for that stuff to happen

At around age 10 I decided I wanted to be in the MLB as a career so I start to playing baseball in some program and this is when I really started to notice stuff getting worse my first season playing baseball I thought it was going pretty ok at first technically my team was pretty bad and i was probably the worst player we only had won 1 out out a 20 game season my dad was always pretty upset after my games or practice because my dad is a lifelong baseball fan so he would always chew me out and insult me in the car ride home

I remember during my third practice session it was the first time I had practiced for the outfield position I accidentally missed a catch and got hit in the eye I got knocked out on impact for like a couple of minutes I remember waking up everyone on the team was around me I was so shocked for like 20 minutes I couldnt tell how fucked up I was until I was halfway home, when I finally got home I notice my left is completely swollen what little I can I see of my eyeball was completely red because I popped a couple of blood vessels and even seeing me in pain crying my face bleeding when my dad gets home he wastes no time just ripping into me calling me a fucking idiot and making me watch Marlins games

So my mom eventually had sent me to this thing it was kinda like baseball camp i stayed there for like 6 hours a day practicing for a couple of weeks with this coach named ricardo the dude really made me uncomfortable he was like 64 and I dunno im not really comfortable with people just touching me and this dude was always grabbing my shoulders and grabbed my ass a couple of times, he grabbed me really weird on the in the inner part of thigh sometimes mostly just tried to ignore it

I finally stop going to the special coaching thing its been a couple months since i saw ricardo and I've only attended regular practice sessions and one day I get really stressed out during one my games because I noticed that Ricardo was at the ball park and I thought he didnt notice me at first but basically a few hours later after my game is finished im just standing around not completely alert near this office type building in the ballpark and I suddenly feel grabbed from behind from someone big and I see a big arm reach around from behind and grabs my crotch and he like feels around for a like 30 seconds before letting go of me

He played it off like he was just messing around but i dunno i was pissed I dunno if thats technically considered sexual assault but like I dunno it just fucked me up I talked about in the car leaving the park with my mom and she told that is wasn't that serious and it was just how Cubans act I still have no idea what means

After this I was very careful not to run into him again whenever I was over there and usually would sort of just try to be near other people so I wouldn't be ambushed again

I dunno life just keeps getting more fucked up from here my dad just seems like he hates my guts all the time we went on vacation to Disneyland when I was 11 and I was sitting eating a mickey shaped ice cream and he yelled at me for letting it drip on my shirt he snatched it out of my hand and then told this is how your supposed to eat it and then bit both the ears off and then threw it back at me

A couple weeks later he blamed me for something and starts beating the dog shit out of me but by this point in my life beatings dont even really hurt anymore i honestly think it was words that hurt me permanently I can always hear them

I start to notice he like can't stand me at all when I was relaxing or doing something that wasn't baseball practice one day after practice one of my last times going to practice i went to go play video games and he started to rip me a new one telling me everything I fucked up on in my life and then told me that he was embarrassed of me and that he was ashamed that I was his son he kept yelling at me but I mostly stopped hearing it after that half an hour later he finishes his rant and then told me to get the fuck out first time i thought about killing myself after this event I quit playing baseball and have never done it again since

After I quit playing baseball for some reason my mom would always try to get me out of the house asked me if i wanted to go to practice with ricardo again its already been a year since I last saw him and im thinking absolutely fucking not so I tell no her no i dont want to but for some reason she starts threatening me with punishments starting with doing homework which at first im like fine ill do homework just leave me alone but she keeps going and adding shit to where I just give up a d relent to just get it over with

So I go over there and I see ricardo and immediately he's really handsy and im trying to like just avoid him as much as possible and fortunately nothing bad happened this day but like Im still pretty pissed with my mom for making me after I told he I was uncomfortable with him

Then couple weeks later he and my mom got into an argument because she caught him cheating on her and he pulled out his gun threatening to kill himself my mom tried to get the gun away from him and he pistol whipped her and then left the house then after he was gone for a few hours my mom asked me to call him and tell him not to kill himself

He didnt kill himself came back home and continued to be a peice of shit calling me every fucking insult imaginable around this time in my life think this is where I became permanently depressed he did stuff like this multiple times over the years

When I was 13 I had got diagnosed with high blood pressure most likely caused by stress I had to go to the doctor once a month was on medication and somehow couldn't manage to lower it one day during one my appointments I get a different person then i wss use tol usually it was a woman who would just talk to me about my results for that day and what I should try to lower it

So this new Dr comes in the room he makes my mom leave which I thought was kind of strange because the lady locks the door looks at my chart I thought then tells me to take off my clothes and I thought wtf this never happens then I asked why i need to and he just says I need to look at you i said something else and the dude yells at me so I do it he never touched he just stared at me for like 3 minutes maybe then he just left and that was it I saw him again 2 appointments talking with one of the nurses he saw me staring and then he just sort of left quickly after this I decided to just stop going to the Dr altogether I just couldn't handle the stress of running into him again

I thought about saying something but it was just too embarrassing I tried talking with people about the thing that happened with my coach my friends just made homophobic jokes and laughed when I told them what happened to me and the adults that I told didn't help either so I just kept it to myself

A couple weeks after this i had to go to a sleep study and before I went there my dad kept bothering me by joking that while im there that I was going to be molested by doctors while im asleep I have no idea why he thought it was funny but kept mentioning it and even though I knew in my head it was unlikely that it would happen it was a subconscious fear since I had just had this inappropriate interaction a couple of weeks ago then, I go to do the sleep study was there for about i think 7 hours I leave at like 3.30 am I finally get home and I find out my dad was going through all my stuff and he dumped everything in my dresser on my bed because I put everything away wrong and then hours later at dinner continues to suggest that while i was asleep the Dr's took my clothes off and molested me

A couple of weeks after later I had forgotten to shovel some stuff in the backyard and he just blows up at pretty normal to me but then threatens that because of this he was going to give my dog away this crushed me I had only had her for like a month at this point and she was 16 weeks old even though I knew my dad was like a bad person i just figured that there was some lines that wouldn't be crossed i just remember feeling so helpless how could someone be like this why would someone go through so much effort to try to hurt me now thinking about this 13 years later

I have so much more to say on traumatizing things but this is already insanely longer then I thought when I started trying to put together the events that I think have most hurt my sense of self I dunno thinking back I dont even know how this is real i know i shouldn't live in the past I just never had an opportunity to get it off me even now i feel like a coward I've never been able to speak about my thoughts or feelings to anyone in my life and only can relay my feelings anonymously and even then I feel embarrassed and ashamed of me

When I was 18 I was starting to get heavily into alcohol abuse and I remember having this weird dream and in typical dream fashion barely any of it made any sense and it was a lot like a nightmare at first but I remember near the middle of the dream I met a person and i was talking with them for a while and I just remember feeling happy and this weird peaceful feeling I can't even remember what they looked like I just remember feeling ok and then when I woke up from the dream it was most painful experiences that i have had to experience going from having this good feeling to having to resume my actual life where im just this fucking nothing I ended up going to the hospital a couple weeks later because I hadnt been eat for for like 36 days and had been throwing up every morning

Since then I have I have sort of put myself back together physically at least I haven't had any alcohol for about 6 years and i try to work out 4 times a week i got my bachelors degree this year but all of it is external stuff that just distracts me but still just can't outrun depression im just at point where I feel like what ever good feeling I had hoped to find later in life isn't coming i got real low back in March I was talking to someone close to me in my family and was told to kill myself I know they didnt mean it literally it was just a heated exchange but it kind of hit me during a depressive episode and I started to really evaluate myself and how broken and useless I am for a moment I thought about finally just doing it after all these years the feeling passed but it easily the closest I've gotten to it im just feeling so alone like I have people to talk to I guess but no one to talk about this stuff just been a complete wreck lately I just randomly will start tearing up for the last week

Im sorry this is so long i just keep repeating these events in my head in reality i have never been able to tell someone what happened to me or how it makes me feel trying to understand why I feel so fucked I've been thinking I just wanna find some way to get better but don't really know if its possible I have tried therapy but nothing really changes how i feel about myself

I feel when I think of like early childhood like my first memories that I can recall was when I was 4 i remember my dad was very physically abusive I remember this one night I could hear him screaming from the living room because the battery cap on the tv remote got lost and me and my sister got lined up and beaten. sometimes he would kick me for seemingly no reason other than frustration beat me with shoes, belts, I remember one time when i was 6 he almost crashed the car on purpose to scare my mom during an argument outside of a checkers crazy behavior but at the time I had always assumed it was normal for dad's to act this way

I do remember noticing the violence begin to worsen around the time i was around age 10 I decided I wanted to be in the MLB as a career so I start to playing baseball in some program and this is when I really started to notice stuff getting worse my first season playing baseball I thought it was going pretty ok at first technically my team was pretty bad and i was probably the worst player we only had won 1 out out a 20 game season my dad was always pretty upset after my games or practice because my dad is a lifelong baseball fan so he would always chew me out and insult me in the car ride home

I remember during my third practice session it was the first time I had practiced for the outfield position I accidentally missed a catch and got hit in the eye I got knocked out on impact for like a couple of minutes I remember waking up everyone on the team was around me I was so shocked for like 20 minutes I couldnt tell how fucked up I was until I was halfway home, when I finally got home I notice my left eye is completely swollen what little I can I see of my eyeball was completely red because I popped a couple of blood vessels and even seeing me with my face swollen and bleeding when my dad gets home he wastes no time just ripping into me calling me a fucking idiot and that next time don't miss the ball

eventually got sent to this thing it was kinda like baseball camp i stayed there for like 6 hours a day practicing for a couple of weeks with this coach named ricardo the dude really made me uncomfortable he was like 64 and I dunno im not really comfortable with people just touching me and this dude was always grabbing my shoulders and grabbed my ass a couple of times, he grabbed me really weird on the in the inner part of my thigh once I tried to ignore it but It always kind of off

I finally stop going to the special coaching thing its been a couple months since i saw ricardo one day I get really stressed out during one my games because I noticed that Ricardo was at the ball park and I thought he didnt notice me at first but a few hours later after my game is finished im just standing around not completely alert near this office type building in the ballpark and I suddenly feel myself get grabbed from behind and held there from someone big and I see an arm reach around from behind and grabs my crotch and feels up my genitals for like 20 seconds before letting go of me

He played it off like he was just messing around but i dunno i was pissed I dunno if thats technically considered sexual assault but like I dunno it just seemed fucked up to me ,I told my mom about it and she told that is wasn't that serious and it was just how some people act I still have no idea what that means

After this I was very careful not to run into him again whenever I was over there and usually would sort of just try to be near other people so I wouldn't be ambushed again

From here life just keeps getting more fucked up from here my dad just seems like he hates my guts all the time one day out he blamed me for something and starts beating the dog shit out of me but by this point in my life beatings dont even really hurt anymore i honestly think it was words started to really do the lasting damage

I start to notice he like can't stand me at all when I was relaxing or doing something that wasn't baseball practice one day after practice one of my last times going to practice i went to go play video games and he started to rip me a new one telling me everything I fucked up on in my life and then told me that he was embarrassed of me and that he was ashamed that I was his son he kept yelling at me but I mostly stopped hearing it after that half an hour later he finishes his rant and then told me to get the fuck out and I remember it was the first time I thought about killing myself after this event I quit playing baseball and have never done it again since

A couple weeks later he and my mom got into an argument because she caught him cheating on her and he vehemently denied it then he pulled out his gun and said he was going to kill himself my mom tried to get the gun away from him and he pistol whipped her and then left the house then after he was gone for a few hours my mom made me to call him and ask him not to kill himself

The situation eventually deescalates and he came back home and continued to be a peice of shit calling me every fucking insult imaginable around this time in my life think I just realized that this is it and it wont get better from here and i was right because he did stuff like this multiple times over the years

When I was 13 I had got diagnosed with high blood pressure most likely caused by stress I had to go to the doctor once a month was on some medication and somehow couldn't manage to lower it one day during one my appointments I get a different person then i was use to usually it was a woman who would just talk to me about my blood pressure results for that day and what I should I have to do to lower it

So this new Dr comes in the room he makes my mom leave which I thought it was kind of strange he locks the door looks at me dead in the face and then tells me to take off my clothes and I thought wtf this never happens then I asked why i need to and he just says I need to look at you i said something else and the dude yells at me so just end up doing it he never touched me he just stared at me for like 3 minutes maybe then he just left and that was it didnt tell me anything about my blood pressure I saw him again 2 months later talking with one of the nurses he saw me i made eye contact and then he just sort of left quickly after this I decided to just stop going to the Dr altogether I just couldn't handle the stress of running into him again even if nothing bad happened it

I thought about saying something but it was just too embarrassing I tried talking with people about the thing that happened with my coach like with my friends but I was given a bunch of insults homophobic remarks and laughed at so it just didnt seem worth the shaming

A couple weeks after this i had to go to a sleep study and before I went there my dad kept bothering me by joking that while im there that I was probably going to be molested while im asleep I have no idea why he thought it was funny knew in my head it was unlikely that it would happen but it was a subconscious irrational fear since I had just had this inappropriate interaction a couple of weeks ago then, I go to do the sleep study was there for about i think 7 hours I leave at like 3.30 am I finally get home and I find out my dad was going through all my stuff and he dumped everything in my dresser on my bed because according to him I put everything away wrong and then hours later at dinner continues to fuck with me telling me that while i was at the sleep study I was molested while I was unconscious

A couple of weeks after later I had forgotten to shovel some stuff in the backyard and he just blows up at me which im pretty im used to already but then threatens that because of this he was going to give my dog to the shelter this crushed me I had only had her for like a month at this point and she was like 4 months old even though I knew my dad was like a bad person i just figured that we're limits to the cruelty, i remember feeling helpless how could someone be like this why would someone go through so much effort to try to hurt me I had absolutely no one I could ask to help me from this point forward I just started spiraling mentally and kind of gave up trying to do anything other then just survive the day

I was around 16 when I started drinking regularly and then it continued to get more excessive By the time I was 18 I was starting to get heavily into alcohol abuse and was just sort of living in my head hating myself for being this fucking nothing pretty soon I ended up going to the hospital a because I hadnt eaten for like 36 days and had been throwing up every morning and I thought I was probably going to die i was sad and panicked because there were alot of places I still wanted to go luckily for me I wasn't in as bad condition as I thought and once I stopped drinking as much I started to improve

Since then I have I have sort of put myself back together physically at least I haven't had any alcohol for about 6 years and i try to work out 4 times a week i got my bachelors degree this year but all of it is external stuff that I just use to try distract me from the stuff thats in my head im 25 now I just thought I would feel better about this stuff by now but it just fucks with me harder I've been wanting to drink everyday since November and its getting tougher to resist when i feel like i can't breathe and you i wanna feel ok for a minute im afraid of only ever feeling this way its been over ten years since I fell apart and im afraid of still feeling this way forever

Writing stuff like this make me feel kind of selfish in a lot of ways im very fortunate and hearing other people's stories of abuse I feel like whatever happened to me really wasnt that bad there are people more deserving of sympathy

I really appreciate you taking the time to read like it really means alot and im sorry this shit is so long I just have been holding onto it for a while didnt mean trauma dump

Thank you so much for listening