u/downontheupsid3

26 m here When i was about 10 to 11 I was being molested by my baseball coach he would touch me in a way that made me extremely uncomfortable I had finally had enough one day when i was standing around one day after a game and I got grabbed from behind and he grabbed my crotch and held me a few seconds before letting me go and playing it off like he was just messing around, i finally told my mom what had been happening and she told me it wasn't a big deal and it was just part of the culture so basically nothing happened and i just kept taking it for a while and at the time was also being physically and verbally abused by my dad at home at some point after a few months passed and I just quit playing baseball and never played since

It was a really awful year for me it was the first time i thought about killing myself and haven't really been able to shake it. I figured i would be able to get over this already but since December ive thought about killing myself pretty often I dunno i just feel awful I feel gross and damaged and like its never going to go away because it probably won't

Ive been really struggling with my mental health lately for the last year ive been thinking about killing myself a lot recently I just feel like i have nothing left man I got abused when I was a kid and its just ruined me I have tried everything there is to do theres just nothing left about me thats worth trying to salvage i dont help anyone by being around im just this fucking nothing

I see so many people who are able to get passed trauma from abuse im just not one of those people I dont have it in me its been over 15 years I just am so fucked and fucking tired of continuing to feel like this

Just tired of living in my head having relive the events everyday just to get nowhere im just walking in circles looking for an answer that I know I won't find im so fucking mad and afraid and it makes me just wanna finish it already What difference does it make fucking people take whatever they want leave things fucked and forget about them once its over but it's never over for me I dont get to forget that I just get to live it forever

Its so fucking infuriating to me its this thing that has destroyed my sense of self, but you know the people who do this shit probably dont even think twice about it after it wasnt significant to them as far as they are concerned it was just like any other day fading into the rest

After all these years I still have nothing to show for it im not stronger for it ive just been pretending i havent fallen apart and have breakdowns all week and im just a fucking mess that nobody would waste there time on with good fucking reason I dont deserve any sympathy i lost and now all do is wait for some kind of change that won't be coming