u/misery_lovescompanie

I love screaming & metalcore & I love this band a lot, and I was wondering if there is any screaming hardcore breakdown bands with melody? I also enjoy slam death metal

I’m extremely slow & I’m tired of noticing how annoyed people are by it. At work I didn’t even know which way to scan gift card, I’m practically helpless.
I don’t know why I’m extremely dumb, but I’m just tired of it.
I’m also tired of being unsure about how stupid I am, I feel different from everyone else and I’m starting to think it’s due to intelligence.
I don’t listen to directions well, I don’t remember things, I’m bad with social cues especially sarcasm vs. serious.
People just get used to having to cradle me around because I don’t understand anything.
Is there any fix to this?

I hate how my scars or anytime I do it, it’s never deep deep. I don’t know how other people go deeper & I honestly wish I was like them, or knew the method, everytime I try I get lame results.

Im just trying to figure out what aura colour I extrude

TW:suicide/loss

Hello lob. I miss you, and it’s been awhile. I don’t know where you are now, but I think of you everyday. I just want one last day with you, and I can’t believe I can’t change anything anymore. I hate myself for not trying harder to keep you alive when you were here. I wanted the life you planned for us, but it’s too late.
I love you, but your death makes me sad. I loved you so much, and it hurts to think about you hanging outside of your window. I just can’t believe I used to kiss your neck, but instead it was roped down until you were unable to breathe. I go on gore sites to see people commit in that way, and I cry every time knowing those were your last moments lob.
I hold you very fucking close to my heart, you’ve always meant so much to me. Despite all the pain.
After you left, I just haven’t been the same. I can’t find myself, just like I can’t find you. I just want you to come back lob. Why can’t you come back for me?
It hurts me the way you left. But it hurts me even more to know that you wanted me there, but I wasn’t. I saw the set up, with everything I had ever given you plastered by the window & it hurts lob. It hurts to know felt the breeze on your face before doing it, and thought of how beautiful it was outside.
So I go outside, and I try to see the beauty too, but I only think of you. I ONLY think of you.
I sleep with your Coraline doll every night, because I hope you can still be with me in another way, but I’ve started questioning whether you’d feel okay with that.

Your mom won’t talk to me and she’s selling all your stuff. She won’t let me buy it off her, and it HURTS. Because I LOVE YOU. And I don’t want you to go. I don’t want anything you touched to be lost. I just want to keep what was proof you existed. I just miss you. I just needed you. I needed you to not do it. I needed you to stay. I needed you not to leave me here on my own. You don’t get it.
You were the only person like me. You were the only person that accepted me, you were the only person that SAW me. And I can’t find that in anyone else. I’m sorry I just can’t. Nobody is you. I don’t want them to be either, but it doesn’t mean I don’t look for you in all the people I see.

I wish you knew I loved you. I wish you knew I cared. I didn’t say it enough when you were here, so you’ll never get to hear it. I regret that everyday lob. But please forgive me.
I wanted to love you through life, but I now love you through death.
Besos. Goodnight.

I think I carry very bad/dark energy with me wherever I go. I myself am already drawn to very chaotic people, but when I get to know those people experiencing chaos, it seems I only make it worse.
I feel like the people closest to me all get worse when around me (mentally) it’s so odd to explain when you’re not witnessing it first hand.

I just feel like the very few people I am close with, I ruin their lives.

Profound Loneliness
I think I feel profoundly lonely no matter what.
I always feel like nobody really understands & I know that sounds silly.
I just feel alone a lot. I’m reminded why I am alone and even though it’s familiar, it still cuts deep.
I don’t really feel seen by anyone.
I feel invalidated by people…A LOT. People treat me like shit a lot of the time & don’t even noticed, because I don’t matter enough for them to notice that what they do hurts me in the slightest. I don’t stand up for myself because I don’t feel worthy enough.

Some examples of my everyday swords:
-Friends hanging out without me after I was trying to plan a hangout with them the next day, willing to spend my own money
-People ditching me when it doesn’t involve my other friend
-Being nobody’s favourite
-People at work being annoyed to work with me
-Nobody caring when I’m sad, but caring when my other friend is deep in depression
-Feeling like no matter who, none of my partners really love me
-Being told to “get over it” instead of comforted
-Struggling to even have friends
-Having mental health get in the way of interacting with people
-People joking like “if I were you I’d kill myself”
I just feel like nobody has cared to know me. I’ve tried to show myself to people, but I remember sending my best friend my music playlist (that meant a lot to me) and then she made me an inside joke with her partner, regarding the music I listened to.
I just wish I was understood

Recently my boyfriend died by suicide, and before this I had experienced similar thoughts but YEARS ago. When he first left me, I used to think every song in his playlist was for me & I’d read the whole lyrics. But after his death I’ve been feeling “enlightened” recently. I feel like we’re all interconnected & that I met him as a karmic relationship, because of the way his astrology chart aligns with my moms creepily.
I just feel like there’s stuff I don’t understand but I want to understand. And I believe in the 4th dimension & our universe is just so weird, I mean we don’t even know what’s in black matter? So would it be crazy to think that maybe everything does actually have meaning?

Like I look at birthdates etc, and how some of the worst people in my life have had the same birthday as me & it’s just so odd. Nothing makes sense though. But I also have had terrible dreams about being killed and then seeing my dead body (after I’ve died). Related to dreams, I get terrible sleep paralysis where I get r-ped in my sleep & I can feel the flesh. Also I’m scared of windows (like I saw someone else be afraid) but I think people watch me, because I’m on the first floor. Also with sleep paralysis I’ve heard screaming coming from all corners of my room like loud screams with different voices.
I’m not sure how much of this is just spirituality or not?
Like what is this? And why am I always thinking of these things.

Sorry if this is triggering

To be clear, I do not have ASPD. My boyfriend had ASPD. He was clinically diagnosed with it after years of screening & therapy.

Well he died by suicide 2 months ago. His ASPD was something I had to be very patient about, I just don’t understand some things.

1. Do people with ASPD experience love?
2. Do people with ASPD have abandonment issues?

Because while my boyfriend had very low levels of empathy, for me & for himself, he seemed to genuinely care about me in some way. He had a lot of self harm issues, and cruelty along with it.

What confuses me is…his attachment towards me is what led him to commit. Which I’m not sure is something notable in ASPD.
He was very impulsive & I hate to say it, but abusive verbally & physically.
He had no regard for rules (which was clear) he had no boundaries either & had no problem cutting anyone else out of his life.
But what I don’t understand is he used to cut me out of his life like everyone else, but I’d always come back because I am also not always healthy. But he eventually after 5 years, became so attached to me? So obsessively & unhealthily attached to me.

I’m just wondering why that is because it contradicts ASPD entirely? Or maybe I’m just uneducated.

I can’t shake the feeling that I was meant to take my life? I’ve always felt like this since I was 8 years old when I first learned what the word “suicide” meant. My religious father was talking about suicide being a sin, I asked what it was & realized how it resonated with me. I soon wondered whether my father would hate me for committing suicide.
I’ve had low low points, but I’ve never truly attempted (seriously). Only choking myself till I’m purple to see if my vision fades a bit.
My boyfriend committed suicide 2 months ago, and I feel terrible for saying this, but I was jealous he made it. He reached the “other side.”

Also someone made a post about depression being incurable. I agree, even through the good I think about dying. Even when things are going well, all I can do is hate myself. All I have done my whole life is hate myself. It’s just so fundamentally ingrained in me. I don’t think I’ve ever fully been happy with myself in my life. I’m really ugly, and I constantly feel like I’m taking up space. Life is a gift, until you’re bullied, degraded, shamed, and then you turn against yourself.

I hope I’m not alone with struggling with depression in childhood. I remember being 7 and just hating myself so much that I wanted to cut people out of their skin & wear their skin so maybe then someone would love me. (Gross) but yes that’s exactly what I was thinking. I used to also write about how sad I got & I’d cry everyday.
Why even as a child? How is that fair?

If anyone can relate or help I’d appreciate it.

My bf died by suicdd a few months ago, and he said I killed him.
I hate that it hasn’t even been awhile, but I feel so empty. I just crave love & it’s almost like I was never meant to have it. Before with my, now dead, bf I thought he didn’t care about me because of all the verbal abuse.
I feel like the only times I feel love either is when I’m being hurt. Although in the moments I feel devastated being cheated on, or called names…in the end it’s those people that love me.

But now I don’t even have that. I’m just alone & worthless. Nobody cares about my thoughts or opinions, my body is ugly. I think love wasn’t meant for me, but I don’t want to accept that. I still have that deep desire to be seen by someone & I hate myself for that.

I don’t know, maybe it’s because I feel like my soulmate is dead now, but everything feels pointless when I’m not seeking love. I think I just hate myself so much, I hate being alone with myself

My boyfriend committed suicide recently. His life was very chaotic, and he happened to be born where the Salem witch trials occurred. I know it’s far off, but from how unique he was, I’ve always wondered if he had already lived before. He was diagnosed with (ASPD)sociopathy & didn’t have a normal life at all.
Sadly, just like many of the people during the trials, he too died by hanging.

Hey so I’m sorry if this triggers anyone, but it’s currently 6am, and I feel like I need to tell someone this.
My boyfriend committed suicide, and he was only diagnosed with ASPD, but I’m almost 99% sure he had BPD because he did it after feeling abandoned by me. I feel so guilty.

I need everyone diagnosed & undiagnosed to know you are lovable, you are worth it, your life matters. I know the rapidly shifting emotions make life harder, but please the right person will see it through. I know everyday feels like a battle, and I know it’s not always obvious. I see that you’re trying okay? And I need you to keep trying. I know this disorder makes life feel like hell a lot of the time, especially when it comes to relationships. But you are not less than someone without this, you are strong.
And please, if you lose your favourite person reach out for support okay? Always. Try to keep yourself safe, even if you’re a mess in the moment. (Easier said than done I’m sorry). I can’t say things will get easier, but just know you are all loved & you are all such beautiful human beings. In a fucked up way it’s so beautiful how deep you guys can feel, how rooted your love truly is. You are perfect no matter the flaws.
Please always choose life💜
You are wanted🩷