u/pastel_kiddo

I'm sure many people here can agree that people are taking the concept of masking (specifically autistic masking, which is what I am referring to in this post) wayyy to far. Even in adults, I get a little irritated when I see people insist that they didn't get diagnosed when they went for an assessment later in life because they "masked too well that the assessor couldn't see past it".

Lately though, and maybe it's just me seeing this, but I've been seeing a lot of parents ask for recommendations for places for assessment for their extremely young children who they insist on masking so well that professionals don't see that they are autistic. Even in adults years, for those who can mask, it is never enough to make someone seem "normal". So the fact they parents are thinking someone so little can have amazing masking skill so early in life is even more baffling...

Seriously, I hate all these weird beliefs and things around autism that only increase and get more ridiculous over the years...

I'm 22 and i've been in a relationship for not very long (only known her about 6 weeks, official for maybe 3?), and I've really been struggling with going out as I don't cope well with going out much at all, I find it quite stressful and mentally tires me quickly and I start to shut down. We tend to hang out at the shopping centre she works at or in my car, which the first I'm finding hard to keep doing for obvious reasons, and also spending time in my car feels like we are social distancing and sort of awkward since she doesn't want to go in the back seat or it "looks suspicious".

I really want to spend more time in more chill environments like nature, which I'm going to talk to her about, but I'd also prefer if she came over a lot more for when we see each other, however my girlfriend says she is quite anxious to interact with my parents and it feels awkward and isn't good with conversations etc. I tried to assure her that 3/4 of my family are diagnosed with anxiety disorders so we are quite understanding as well as a large amount of extended family and immediate family is diagnosed with autism (including me of course) and heavily suspected in others, so poorer social skills aren't seen as so much of a problem and there aren't really expectations there like other peoples families may have. But she still seemed not keen on the idea. I'm realising more and more though that she's going to need to be ok with it soon though because of my own personal needs, just unsure how to make the process easier for her, so if people have suggestions that would help, and if people need more information in happy to add.

I should also note I can't go to her house, as she has problems with her family unfortunately.

As the title says, my previous relationship I had that lasted a few months, it felt like I was always walking on eggshells and she would respond poorly to everything and constantly not be honest with me, ignore me for days at a time or even an entire week, felt like everything was a guessing game and everything I tried was received poorly. I just always felt in the dark and didn't know what I was doing wrong most of the time and what was going on in her life.

I'm in a new one now, I've known her maybe almost 6 weeks and official for I think 3? We met on a dating app and so part of the problem was I had no idea how fast things are supposed to progress, and so things have been all over the place and felt confusing. After the advice of some people I texted her and said that it'd be really nice if the next time we went out, we had a conversation about what we want and need in a relationship (since people said that's better as an irl conversation and not texting), as since we both have autism and ADHD and problems with anxiety we can get side tracked maybe talking about more interests and random things, even if I had planned to bring up certain things next time we see each other (I can be quite forgetful in the moment). I thought that way we can both try think about it before we see each other, and go into our next date expecting it to happen and so then also between the two of us we would surely remember to.

I'm going to apologise to get for not talking about it sooner, as I guess both I wasn't sure how to approach the topic, and how soon, and obviously would get swept up talking about other things.

I'm just wondering how much we should communicate about our feelings too? I struggle to know when something falls in the category of something I should just be taking care of myself, or if it's something for someone else to know about, at what point is something perhaps "over communicating" (if that is a thing?)? I see people say you should be open about things but not be "trauma dumpy" and Ive tried to get a grasp on at what point something tips over into that category but I feel so lost about all these "rules".

And also just communication about literally everything else ever. I tend to be told I either over share or under share and it's hard to know at what point of knowing someone is it appropriate to talk about what, if ever.

So for context I am 21f and my gf is also 21f, both autistic. We've been dating a little less than a month and a half and official for maybe 3 weeks? I'm just sort of wondering how intimacy in a relationship works? Like does emotional intimacy build up over time or is it supposed to already have an intense connection?

Does anyone have tips for building emotional intimacy and intimacy in general, we have kissed but not like making out with her, and we haven't had sex, it feels like there is not any appropriate times for it so far? I think it's also hard because I can't go to her house because of her parents and there is always people home at my house to it feels like we only can stick to more wholesome things and it's making me confused... I'm not sure. I'm unsure if I'm just feeling worried about this for no reason, but also it feels like something is missing and I'm not sure if it's something on my end?

She keeps shopping on her phone also when we are out, not like all the time throughout the dates, but definitely happens and I kind of want to ask if we could not go on our phones much while out but unsure if that's an unreasonable ask/rude? If it's ok to ask about it, how can I do it in a respectful way? While we were watching a movie and it was the ads she was online shopping and I said "can't you do that later?" (Or something along those lines) and it seemed like she just thought I was joking, and so then I had no idea what to say and just felt sad instead, which didn't help since when I am feeling upset or down it can be harder to find he words for things.

I've struggled with depression on and off since probably he beginning of my teens, majority of it to varying degrees. I'm about to turn 22 soon and I feel like I've lost how invested I would be in things, how everything would revolve around something. I can occasionally get hyperfixations, or and interest in something to a degree, but it doesn't last long, and when it's quickly gone I feel really empty again... And have to hope I find something that sparks a bit of drive in me again even for a little.

I know having special interests could negatively impact me but I really miss the experience still regardless, as it feels like a piece of me missing now and I find myself honestly grieving it 😥

I'm unsure if the various treatments I've had for mental illnesses played at least a role in this happening, but I don't know, I guess I kind of wanted to vent about it, and if be interested in knowing if anyone else has experienced similar.

EDIT: I wasn't sure if this was appropriate or not and I appreciate the replies I have gotten, as it helped me understand this sort of thing a lot better, I really struggle to know what is reasonable or not, what is something I should keep to myself or share, or when I need to rather just do something on my end etc

I've been dating a woman for about 5 weeks and it's been official for a few weeks, she was the one to make it official. And so far we are a great match for a lot of reasons, such as we are both on the spectrum and we have shared interests (which can be a challenge for me to find, especially so close to where I live like she is), shared views on things, and we just get along super well (among other things). The problems is, when we text online, she can have the habit of suddenly disappearing while we are texting, or she will do things like I will have a message I sent her an hour+ ago and sometimes during that time she might post to her story or be reposting reels instead of replying. I really honestly feel unimportant and like she cares less than me and worry we will grow distant etc when it happens.

I've tried brainstorming a possible text to send her, as I was going to tell her in real life but I won't be able to see her for almost a week and I already couldn't see her for a number of days due to a family member deteriorating quickly and dying and so the times me and her were available just didn't match up. Here's what I've thought of:

(Girlfriends name), do you mind if when we are talking with each other, if you are going to go do something else maybe just tell me when you can, as otherwise it feels a little cold to disappear out of nowhere if like we are actively chatting with each other, even if you don't mean it to seem that way!!! I know we got other stuff to do or out own personal things to do for fun, and so I would appreciate if we tried to maybe get into the habit of letting each other know so that I know you might be busy for a bit or something. Just so it doesn't feel like I'm being ignored, as personally I need a lot of clear communication with everything, because that is something I feel is really important to me in relationships 🫶💕 especially just with past experiences I've had (not with you) it really makes a difference!

I've really tried to make it sound like I'm not angry or anything and just rather trying to communicate my feelings about it and what's important to me without sounding like a jerk? Or without sounding unreasonable especially early on in the relationship? I don't have much relationship experience honestly and the very short ones I had were not really nice ones so it can feel a bit hard to learn what a healthy one is supposed to be like. But if anyone has suggestions, things to add etc for the text or just about the situation in general, I'd really appreciate it :)

I really really like her, problem is I've realised I guess I feel lost in knowing how it all works. I really want a good emotional connection and communication to her and just feel like I don't know how a healthy relationship is supposed to look, and one between autistics, since it might be a bit different to what non autistic relationships might look like. We've only been dating maybe a month and official for two and just kind of confused how things are supposed to move in a relationship if that even makes sense. So far it kind of feels like a friendship but maybe some wholesome romantic elements like we will kiss but it's not like, making out with each other. Is it supposed to progress further than that already? I kind of want it to. Do I just ask if I can make out with her or is that just kind of awkard to randomly say that? I haven't had many successful friendships either and spent like 1 ½ years mostly socially isolated during when I was really badly depressed which only worsened my social skills of course.

I was wondering if anyone has resources and/or tips for relationships for autistic people that are good and helpful and not heteronormative or outdated since we are lesbians.

I really don't want this relationship to flop since we have a lot in common and she lives SO close to me also. And I think she is really pretty and very sweet. For extra context we met on a dating app.

I haven't dated in probably close to 2 years and recently have been dating another woman who is now my girlfriend. We've been dating around 3 weeks and we are officially girlfriends. I've made a huge amount of progress due to a lot of things since then, and I think doing TMS for depression and anxiety (which I finished a few months ago) has helped me big time in a lot of ways, like as an example it seems to have made my emotions less extreme the past maybe 2 months? Anyways, we have a LOT in common, and she lives super close to me, and shes so lovely too.

But the problem is I'm starting to get that sick feeling (to a mild degree so far) when we've been hanging out a few hours and then I worry about when she will be leaving, and if she says that she's going home for dinner I feel upset, but so far I can make sure I don't cry or anything, and I try my best to not let it show so she doesn't then get scared off or something because it'll look like a big 🚩. If she does stuff like post on her story before answering my messages I can start to feel upset, or if I see messages on her phone from her friends I feel jealous(? Don't know if that's the right emotion descriptor) that she is talking to other people.

When I got close to the last person I dated (although I only dated them as to not lose them in my life and not so much actual desire to date them), it was bearable for a few weeks while they were extremely attentive and always wanting to talk to me and hang out, but as it slowly became less and less like that, I went downhill so quickly.

My current girlfriend is lovely and buys me so much stuff and posts me on her story and has told her friends and coworkers about me and more, and so whenever she does something like that I feel happy but then after a while I start to get a bad feeling creeping up on me, and worry she will leave me, she will grow distant, get bored of me etc. and knowing me I am worried I will lose sight completely of how things actually are in the relationship if it worsens.

Again, so far it's bearable but I'm worried it will worsen... And I don't want to lose her. I don't know what to do :( I haven't told her I am dx with BPD as I originally felt like I wouldn't need to and I'm worried if I do need to, she will get a bit scared off.

I haven't dated in probably close to 2 years and recently have been dating another woman who is now my girlfriend. We've been dating around 3 weeks and we are officially girlfriends since a few days ago. I've made a huge amount of progress due to a lot of things since then, and I think doing TMS for depression and anxiety (which I finished a few months ago) has helped me big time in a lot of ways, like as an example it seems to have made my emotions less extreme the past maybe 2 months? Anyways, we have a LOT in common, and she lives super close to me, and shes so lovely too.

But the problem is I'm starting to get that sick feeling (to a mild degree so far) when we've been hanging out a few hours and then I worry about when she will be leaving, and if she says that she's going home for dinner I feel upset, but so far I can make sure I don't cry or anything (although sometimes she can tell I maybe feel a bit down it seems), and I try my best to not let it show so she doesn't then get scared off or something because it'll look like a big 🚩. If she does stuff like post on her story before answering my messages I can start to feel upset, or if I see messages on her phone from her friends I feel jealous(? Don't know if that's the right emotion descriptor) that she is talking to other people.

When I got close to the last person I dated (although I only dated them as to not lose them in my life and not so much actual desire to date them), it was bearable for a few weeks while they were extremely attentive and always wanting to talk to me and hang out, but as it slowly became less and less like that, I went downhill so quickly.

My current girlfriend is lovely and buys me so much stuff and posts me on her story and has told her friends and coworkers about me and more, and so whenever she does something like that I feel happy but then after a while I start to get a bad feeling creeping up on me, and worry she will leave me, she will grow distant, get bored of me etc. and knowing me I am worried I will lose sight completely of how things actually are in the relationship if it worsens.

Again, so far it's bearable but I'm worried it will worsen... And I don't want to lose her. I don't know what to do :( I haven't told her I am dx with BPD as I originally felt like I wouldn't need to and I'm worried if I do need to, she will get a bit scared off.

Tbh though, I don't know if it is an accurate diagnosis, because of the fact that it happened when I was inpatient and it's not an exaggeration when I say all the patients there were given that dx, maybe for insurance purposes (?)

Sooo I went on a first date with a woman, we didn't kiss or anything because it didn't feel appropriate for the first date. We mostly got carried away talking about shared interests and playing Tomodachi life haha, it didn't help that we accidentally forgot it was Anzac day so some of the places we wanted to go were closed 😭 it felt more like we were best friends, we clicked really well but it wasn't exactly romantic- I was worried I'd do things too soon.

Anyways, we are going to the city to an exhibition that she wanted to go to on Sunday (and probably I some other stuff) and I've been making her a cross stitch star trek enterprise pin, because she LOVES star trek, as well as some hannibal stickers because she's a Hannibal fan so why not. I'm wondering, would it be too much to give her *more* on the first date? I also want to think about the fact that I don't want her to have to carry heaps around the whole day (or I guess I could carry it). I guess I could always just pay for things like lunch and dinner if she wants to stay that long?

I'm going to try initiate more romantic things on the second date, we talk alot online and I try be a little flirtatious, I'm worried I'll get friend zoned here, or on the flip side seem like in rushing things (we met off a dating app and Ive never dated anyone from an app before...)

Also- would it be rude to not wear as much makeup as last time? I'm taking a medication for my skin that makes me get sun damage really easily and if we will be walking throughout the city in the sun in Australia while I'm pale asf, it'd be unwise to not reapply throughout the day, which isn't really an option if I'm wearing makeup. I won't be completely bare faced- I'll wear mascara + tinted SPF lip gloss, and maybe some eye liner and inner corner shimmer. I don't want to look like I don't want to put in effort to see her but I kind of can't not reapply during the day.

Anyways, I'd love to do more for her on this date, but basically worried what If I do to little or too much??