u/queencastrator

Hello I am sorry I don't know where to ask in regards to acute liver ingury. My ALT peaked at 9000U/L and my symptoms where a lot worse. They gave me 15 of these IV bags over the course of 12 days. They got my ALT down to 400 before discharge from hospital.

I still feel drained swollen and vomiting everything I eat and drink.

Is this expected with this ALT? I am very confused about what all this liver, blood level lingo means. As my case was acute severe liver ingury. Again, I am not sure what sub to ask. Thank you

I have really soulless eyes and gaze. Its been pointed out and I see it myself too. Like a flat affect only in my eyes. I have opposite facial expression/affect though, best described as a 'chimpanzee fear grin' oftentimes - yet my eyes look so dead. I am fair in complexion and hair colour but I have these blackish vacant eyes that look like I am some bloody serial killer. I don't like them, it makes me feel self conscious. They don't reflect my nature & personality. My eyes makes me appear very untrustworthy and uncanny valley.

I've also noticed these types of eyes in other people on the spectrum and in the very mentally ill. Is this me overthinking it or projecting? have you also seen this soulless eye phenomenon? Do you have this dead-eyed look yourself?

Reminiscing on the times I used to try to befriend people. I am lucky enough to have had an Asperger and autism association local to me. So I had all my socialization efforts with people on the spectrum.

I noticed that it seems common among the Aspie members to have a strong, unwavering political or ideological stance. I recognized 2 main category within the group. Both acted like a memed caricature of certain ideological stances. I wondered if the Aspergers and rigid thinking was making it exaggerated to this degree.

This was in the era of 2016. It was very of its time. I have no idea what these people are like now.

1st group. Pipelined to radical right type political affiliations. Call me a dishwasher then wonder why I was getting bored of it (its just not that funny). Say racial slurs or similar then act like over sensitive pussies if they got caught & told off. Unironically thought that feminists were ruining video games because a character didn't have massive tits and wore trousers. Seemed to live online. Acting like shadow the hedgehog. Cant have a debate without them making me into a strawman caricature if I disagreed. Incel-esque monologues all the time. Contrarians over everything. Trying to be divisive for the fun of the game. Always had some noncey obsession with the 1000year old child anime character of the month.

2nd group. Being wokescolded by they thems. Tredding on eggshells. Faux accepting. Hypocritical. Narcistic yet self flagellating. Cant put a foot wrong around them. Constant social performance to appear to be doing right thing. More imposed social rules than any normie situation I've ever been in. So sex positive and brain rotted that it become misogynistic. Felt like I was being proselytized to all the time. Obsessed with pathology, labels. Seemed to have some kind of factitious disorders, new mental illness every week. Many Self diagnosed with the ASD in the first place. 'Reading Yaoi is homophobic'. Poor member got booted from their cultish circlejerk for reading some shit with 2 anime boys kissing.

It was so fucking exhausting. Just thinking back makes me happy I am an antisocial hermit. Was this a product of the times?. Maybe it was that we were in our late teens/ teens at time. I swear that some kind of rigid Sperg thinking makes us susceptible to that. Was it just the people around me??

I have always been fence sitter type person. I drifted between both of these circles within this ASD group. I find it all tiring. Extreme rigid ideas make getting along with spectrumers hard. I felt isolated. I haven't made active efforts to socialize intentionally for years.

I see collateral of this type of thinking on reddit. So I fear it hasn't changed. I only use reddit on and off and youtube. So I am out of the loop nowadays.

If I am very tired, in the state where the eyes are closing on the own naturally. My whole body will feel sick. I am aching and buzzing like malaise type sensations you get when you're ill. My heart feels fluttery and I can hear my pulse in my ears.

I feel as if I cant swallow or breathe normally- although I chalk it up to some sort of anxiety, those two symptoms.

This type of flu like feeling makes me feel a bit disorientated. Its unpleasant. When it first started happening I had some kind of impending doom. I've started getting used to it now. I know I wake up fine.

I do not wake up the following day with a cold or flu. I feel normal.

Does anyone else get flu like symptoms before drifting off?

I have been getting a maternal instinct this past year that's hit me like a bus. It's quite jarring for me. I feel like my heart is aching when I come to some realizations about the reality of my capacity and personality and how having children might be a huge mistake. I was previously anti everything to do with this topic.

I am very conscious of passing down my ASD. All my siblings have diagnosed Aspergers and my dad was diagnosed too. My dad found parenting so overwhelming he shut down. He was a nice man, but I wasn't close to him. He didn't really get involved much with parenting. I knew no different, so I don't feel traumatized by it - I think back now and I suppose, I could've turned different(happier) if he was more affectionate and not stoic.

Well, I have inherited this shut down trait from him, I have thrown my young adult life away by opting out of society. Totally avoidant. He also was very depressive as am I. There is extra complications with this passing brain shit down as my fathers side of the family is deeply mentally ill. S*icide, delusions type mental illness. This also makes me extra concerned in the hereditary factors way. I also have got a history with dire MH, worse than my baseline is miserableness.

Everything points to having kids being the worst thing for me.

I have been looking at the Raised by Autistics Subreddit to try to give myself a reality check to quell my babyfever. I feel shit now. But I think this shitty feeling is not inherently toxic. I think it is important these people have a place to be honest. I have to be realistic.

My biggest fear is I'd be a bad mother. I think I have all the stars aligned to fail miserably.

What is strange is although I feel very maternal, I still am antisocial. Wrapped up in my own little world. So my imagined life with a family feels silly as I am thinking 10 steps ahead. I don't have a partner because I am afraid I have too much baggage. Yet I wish for that sort of stability that a marriage would bring as recent mindset development. I am a antisocial bastard that I don't even want friendship.. So it's these contradictions, confusing. It is more of a visceral yearning to have children. I have to be ok sitting with the feeling.

A theoretical partner of mine would 90% chance of being on the spectrum as well. I do not get along with NT very well. I also feel like a shared life experience & understanding is what brings the compatibility.

There's other questions of how I would cope with the sensory aspect of pregnancy. The hormonal changes women on the spectrum are sensitive to. Majority of us have PMDD when its the time of the month... pregnancy would be that on steriods.

For people who it would not upset. I recommend lurking r/raisedbyautistics . It is very eye opening.

They can track your activity online. Everything logistical I need the internet for it nowadays. If I used all cash, they would think it was suspicious. Lots of places card only. The CCTV everywhere...

I just want to runaway to the circus. With a new name. Start from scratch. People used to be able to do this. It seems like a dying phenomena.

How long ago did it become impossible to disappear?

(TW graphic)

I feel my main driving factor to my binges is coming from need to self destruct. I treat my body like I am some kind of sick lab rat. My binges are on everything. Healthy food, junk food, food I don't even like, random ingredients and pantry stuff.

I will push myself to some body-horror level fullness. I am torturing myself. Part is the mechanical aspect of BED but there is also a huge conscious effort to make the binge as horrendous as possible. I feel like I am traumatized by them mentally.

I did previously(very long while ago) have disordered eating on the other end. Where I would 'dry'(no hydration) fast for 5 days. Like I don't know how I survived that. I was VSEDing myself in the name of some mad scientist, see how far I can push my body crap. This has transferred over now to my BED I have nowadays.

I am the same with alcohol. I have to stay away from that. It's like I have some built in self destructiveness.

I feel almost comatose after my extreme binges. Like I can hardly even stay awake for the next 24hours. Tinnitus. Low urine output. Other symptoms that I know I can't keep dismissing. I know this sounds bad - but its part of the binge torture process. These distressing symptoms I know what I am in for.

I do not enjoy this. It's awful. I am so low. I have no respect for my body and life. I manage to keep the binges to once a week-2weeks max nowadays. I actually hate food now but the BED persists.

Anecdotally, I have seldom met another person on spectrum that didn't have something else up mentally. Usually OCD.

I am unsure whether it is aspergers giving more vulnerability, life experience, substance or hereditary in my case. I have been sectioned on and off since I was 11.

When I was younger used to attend my local aspie/ autist association. All the 'high functioning' people had mental illness as well.

I wonder what is the connection with Aspergers and risk of developing stuff? Does anyone have a more concise answer?

I wonder if that would unironically cure all my issues. If I don't have Asperger condition then I have nothing to fall back on.

People self diagnose all time and using that logic I can self undiagnose. As my self assessment is most authentic right?

Saying everything is internalized ableism is a bit of a meme at this point. But I may just be a genuine case.

I already am stealth spectrumer because I cant help but feel cringe telling anyone. As soon as I got out of SPED I wanted to be normal.

I am normal. I am a human with variety of personality traits, interests, likes and dislikes. Also undiagnosing myself as an alien. Why am I dehumanizing myself? Feel so subhuman it almost made me stuck up my own arse, ironically.

Being a sperg woman is most pointless. It never gets taken seriously anyway. Even by your own kind oftentimes.

Fatigued.

I used to struggle with alcohol dependence to help my social comfortability. Didn't make me normal but sure made me feel like I was(deludedly). Used to drink 500ml Smirnoff a day in an old Dr.Pepper bottle I kept in my handbag. My unused stress- stim toy thingamajig laying next to it forever useless and unused. Id go into the bathrooms in the shopping centre and take a big swig so I could gain the confidence to talk to the shop keeper to buy some more Vodka.

Sounds awful but I miss it. Alcohol is such a slippery slope for those wishing to have a taste of the neurotypical-lite life. I managed to stop the alcoholic pipeline by myself after 2 years of it. Just as secretly as I started it.

One of the only reasons I am not just giving in again is because I am deep into being a shut in. Can't even take my bins out atm without being a massive pussy.

I am sorry to any of you that have or had an alcohol problem to try to mask it all away. People can smell it on you. and people can still tell you are on the spectrum.

Still though... It calls my name everyday.

Feel free to share if you've been in a similar position.

She's only reason why I am still here. Better than no reason. She has had a life full of loss. Loss of one of my brothers. She was never the same after that. I can't let her loose another child, I can't imagine how that was for her. I don't particularly get on with my mum. Yet I can't do this to her. She doesn't know she's the only reason. She doesn't have to know. Enjoy the rest of your years, Mum. I wont do anything stupid to myself.

I already mask due to my asperger/asd mannerisms which is incredibly exhausting. I also also attempt to mask anhedonia. Whether that be when I around others or online discussion. Online I'll talk about things I once had the capability to care about like I am still the person I was 5 years ago. So I don't seem like a living husk.

I pretend I give a shit. Pretend I still care about hobbies, media. A family member will try to catch me out with something along the lines of, 'I saw you last week and you seemed passionate about XYZ' as to suggest XYZ gave me any spark of emotion or enjoyment. No, I was just doing the socializing preforming monkey charade.

Am I expected to be a walking infographic for anhedonia to be believed? Why is it that people try to gotcha moment. Sometimes I feel like exploding and saying truthfully I don't give a shit about them, them visiting me is not helpful. I gain no joy. When they put on the TV, I am not watching the show with interest. They haven't unlocked some dopamine out of me and cured me. I am pretending to gaf. I don't want to be a drain so I mask my anhedonia.

edit: anhedonia caused by 10 years of unneeded anti psychotics. I cold turkey off them (awful decision) Long off them. Anhedonic since.

I am very tall for my sex. I am 6'1. It may be a good for men. It can feel very negative for a woman. My height is the equivalent to being 6'6 man.

My body language, posture and eye contact inabilty is visibly 'off'. For those in the know, I'm visibly spergy. I have always been target because of that. Add on my massive height. Its worse.

If I am out I am stared at frequently.I am so humilated about being percived and navigating the world with my social anxiety- I am exhausted. I get twitchy when I am nervous, masking slips. Its a big knock on effect.

People ask if I was a man(no). Not sincere way oftentimes. In a mean way. I feel like them assuming I am trans is fueling the social mistreatment.

I used to frequently have meltdowns when I was a teenager, before I learned better emotional regulation. I was in SPED school. I was treated far worse. Like a big angry, bitchy oaf not an ASD person who was overwhelmed beyond control. My other female peers who where normal sized or shorter, were treated with compassion and understanding. I think its subconcious.

When I spoke up about bullying and worse off SA, no one cared. Said, 'why didn't you just fight them off' (I am physically weak). Because they thought I was strong just because I was larger. They head cannoned me a certain way based on looks. Down to my social ability. Like I must have thick skin automatically. No I was and am a very sensitive, socially unskilled and though I hate to admit it, naive/ over trusting/ vunerble Asperger woman.

When I've vented about this in tall subs. They do not understand how physical apperance and the Asperger in correlation is a complex and intersectional thing. They just say stop hating myself. I hate how I am treated and I hate the factors that make my Aspie life million times worse.

I can't change my height like I cant my asperger. When two unchangeable things collide it makes me feel cursed and hate life.

Does anyone else have a physical difference that makes coping with your ASD worse?

My dad passed away in march 2025. I'll dream of him a couple of times a month since then.

He is always a ghost from the first dream after his passing onwards. He is always translucent. Sometimes, it will be the case that he is fading slowly invisible in the duration of the dream.

He is always aware that he is dead. He doesn't mind. He always seems content he's ghost.

Me & dad are the only ones who are aware that he is dead- unspoken acknowledgement. Other characters in my dad dreams dont ever interact with him... im unsure if they know he's there. It's never explicitly clear in the dream-storyline. My ghost dad just kind of hangs out quietly.

*I was 22 when my dad died. I knew him for 22.7 years as an alive man. I find it strange that I haven't been able to dream of him since as how he was for all that time... Opaque and whole.

Hello. I feel a bit awkward asking this.

I am a 23yo woman from the UK

I never grew up religious. In fact, my dad was a staunch athiest, anti-establishment, Ex-70s punk.

Although, I have attended churches throughout my life for various reasons.

I was in girl guiding. And it was held at a church. Christmas, Easter, and a few Sundays a month, we would go to a church service as part of that.

I did attend Christian Primary school, and the extent of that was singing hymns and reading the GoodNews bible. During that time in the early 2000s, we had more Muslims move to my area, so a lot of the students were too. So the Christian part of the school wasn't taken very seriously. I say that to say, most of my Christian/Bible knowledge came from that -when I was young.

I've been to churches to attend funerals and a wedding too.

I just feel a wave of peace in churches. Like the outside world doesn't exist. I am a highly anxious person. Churches make that go away.

The churches I've been inside are decorated traditionally, and another was more low-key. Both have the same effect equally.

I entered my local town hall earlier this year. The town hall is a church inside. I don't think it's been changed much since the 1900s, apart from its usage. The usage is for various things nowadays.

There was large organ pipes up the wall. Stained glass and hundreds of empty seats. There was a star with a dove in the middle and I am unsure what that means biblically.

They sometimes leave the town hall open but don't advertise it much. So I wondered in alone.

I suffer with Aspergers/hugh functioningASD. I find it hard to be like this.I just felt so desperate and lost in life. I entered the church building alone. Like I was compelled

Because I knew they made me feel peace. I was sitting on the creaky chairs looking at the bibles in the back of chairs. I felt like I wanted to cry. Not in a negative way. I am unsure of why.

However, I feel like a fraud because I am a non-believer. I am pessimistic as a person. I can't force myself to believe the stories in the bible. It seems so unrealistic. I also have had experiences in my life that were more aligned with gnosticism if I had to label it. Although I don't follow it officially. I had near death experience in 2023, and the visions mirrored gnosticism philosophy. It left me feeling very confused. It taught me that there's things that mortal, normal people can't see. But I believe to exist. So maybe my atheism got updated to agnosticism.

I would like your thoughts. Why am I so compelled and overwhelmingly comforted by churches/ christian buildings. What are you sprinkling in the air haha

Is this an insult for me to be there? It's not about the decor aesthetics- its more than that. It's this wash of peaceful emotion.

Please be kind. I'd love to hear your thoughts

I think of this often. I use this sub to whinge about Aspergers. If the topic of my Asperger is on my mind, it means I am in time where its affecting me worse than normal. Naturally, I may write about some personal, arguably incriminating stuff that normally I'm forced to cope with & shut up about irl in isolation.

My fear of being clocked on here pertains to my elder Brother and Sister who have Aspergers too. I've seen the Reddit app icon on my sisters phone once before.

I've known other aspies from my past. Sometimes I wonder if they are on here. They may be thinking that no one else in our little backwards town is on r/aspergers

My journal is fully abused with me writing tirelessly in there. Sometimes I also seek solace in Online Aspergers Community.

I drift in and out of social media because I dont like being a slave to this evil electronic rectangle. I use intermittently. Eventually I'll scrub the reddit evidence and start again in 6months/years later...

Do you have this fear?And also, have you read somthing suspiciously familar on here?

I observe that it is common for Aspies to desire partnership and intimacy. I can cognitively understand that desire, even if I am not like that myself. Sometimes, I am left wondering if there are any other people here who are like me.

I don't feel undeserving of love, or it is a case of I've given up unwillingly.

To me, I just know I am very incompatible with others in multiple ways. I am almost fully at peace with that

●I am antisocial. I have 1 dwindling friendship with another aspie who is of same social battery. These it's now sparse text messages. If the friendship were to disappear tomorrow, I wouldn't have the urge to go talk to anyone IRL.

I am not antisocial in some Shadow the Hedgehog edgelord way. I just am. As an undesirble ASD trait presentation.

●I can't even have one hang out without being incompactated for weeks with exhaustion.

●I have inflexible views. Some of my moral-views are so strong it can mean I can't get along with people, if I ever were to bring it up (bringing it up is important for compatibility)

● I am depressive and pessimistic, seemingly out of the womb. I do not cope well with basic menial shit. I just live fighting 'kicking the bucket' ideation. Situational stress or not, doing better... it persists.

That is a huge drain interpersonally. I am of the belief that my own neuroticism isnt anyone else's burden. If you try to shield a loved from it, they will end up being interconnected as an eventuality - as you're both interconnected beings.

●I am not touchy feely. Overwhelmed with touch and noise 90% of time. The noise thing (misophonia) in particular is...not good.

●I will never reproduce. Living with Aspergers and the shit that comes with that emotionally, has made me not develop a maternal instinct. I think I'd be a bad mother and wouldn't cope. There is always a possibility that even a childfree man could change his mind when he starts thinking about his heritage continuing.

● I dont find anyone attractive romantically. Not out of pickyness. I just can't procure it. This might be because I am not seeking connection in that way, so everyone has metamorphosed into this platonic blob.

● I am an on and off again shut in/agoraphobic.

● I have empathy deficit (in all but emotional) in practice. Typed words there is more processing time, to ponder and relate. IRL it's very detrimental to me socially. My EQ is suboptimal.

● I have the survival instincts of a blind hedgehog walking in traffic if I am deep in burnout. I can't even feed and water myself adquetly if I am in the depths. I struggle on scale of bad to terrible executive dysfunction. No one needs be dragged into that.

●I am not goal driven. I live in the moment. I mentally black out thinking of future

●worst of all, as I gotten older I don't know if I am capable of feeling love. I dont know how it's meant to feel, rather. I care for my family on a conceptual level. But I don't understand what is 'love' (baby don't hurt me, don't hurt me no more)

I am a woman, so maybe I am not as hormonely driven at baseline by the intimate aspects.

When I was a teenager, I did have a relationship. It was very age appropriate, aka emotional immaturity, blind innocence, both had not formed a sense of self. Not a proper adult relationship where you have to do all the right steps. I had sex with him. It did nothing for me. I dont know what wrong with me. Have the libido of an 80 year old nun.

I just am not bothered about any of it. I dont feel lonely. I dont feel I am missing out. When in previous years, I've tried to morph myself into 'doing the right things' it rendered me not well. From Exhaustion from simply existing perceivably and masking.

The thought of being in a relationship fills me with dread. Thinking of having new friends does too honestly

I am a young almost 24yo woman I know I could find someone, even if I am not the prettiest. It is completely volentery. And completely freeing.

*So I ask, does anyone else live the single/celibate by choice lifestyle? Even if your reasons are different to mine. I'd love to hear your anecdotes.