u/softwolfy

I cried but I felt so relieved who knew when everyone around you is calling you a selfish freak you get that built into your head and all it takes is one outsider to say "no, actually you're right" to break you out of it

Turns out wanting boundaries IS normal and healthy, even if it's with family. And being family is NOT free license to dig thru all my possessions in my house as an adult. Who even knew.

Love my therapist. She gave me an autistic burnout workbook to flip through too and said we can work on it together if I want. She's so awsum

I've collected stuffed animals my entireeee life they make me so happy I lovge them but whenevr I get a new one parent starts calling me immature and saying I'm wasting money and need to grow up etc etc so I get upset and say I'm not gonna talk to them anymore about stuff I buy and I'll make sure they never see packages I get if I'm just gonna be judged bc yk what? Yeah that does make me feel upset. I'm not doing anything wrong, I spend money responsibly, never buy little treats for myself when I don't have spending money or whatev but when I DO have money to burn yeah I spend it on stuff I like. Also it's my money if I wanted to go into debt I can lowkey.

And they go. "Well OBVIOUSLY you're embarrassed or buying things you're too ashamed to show or you wouldn't be so defensive and secretive!!!"

Like no actually you're just hurting my feelings over things I enjoy and it's making me sad. If you shared my joy I would share it with you.

But that isn't a good enough answer ig so does anyone know the secret special way to respond to such ACCUSATIONS (gotta be silly and nonchalant at the end so nobody knows it hurts B) )

His big brother Jackdaw (collie) is so proud <3 he's using Jackdaw's vest until I get him his own. I want to get him some camo gear :)

He went with me to the store, which doesn't seem like much but was big for both of us because I'm just getting back into driving after being afraid to do it for years! Got into a bad accident when I was starting off and it terrified me to get back behind the wheel. But I'm living in a tiny town now with very low speed limits and roads that are often very empty so I've been getting back into it! It's still scary though, but Finch was my passenger today to help me stay calm <3 he and Jackdaw have also been helping me move in to a whole new place, start a whole new part of my life, deal w family stuff, and some scary medical things too. I even had to go to the hospital but they were there for me when I got home to help me calm down and wait for results (everything came back OK :)). I also finally found a therapist!! I'm so happy :) and they're always here for me when sessions are tough or I just need them. I love them so much my sillies <33

ARFID-ed too hard and lost too much weight now the doctors all yelling at me to get fatter how do I do it pls help evilautism

I'm in America this should be EZ I just hate eating food the entire like sensation and process of it and cooking and all that

Should I invest in a blender. Liquid calories are easier I feel like

I hate staying in hotels (I think bc they're unfamiliar or something) but these 2 love hotels so ig it's alright :P

And at least we'll get to our destination today (my new place), so no more hotels! Just gonna have to settle in and all that. I'm excited :D

I wanted to do like a comic kinda thing idk :P un-stickered photos included too

16 hour road trip ᐡ◞ .̫ ◟lllᐡ and I'm really glad I'm getting help moving in from my mom, buuut ik it will be. Tense. She kinda pushes her stress* for me ont*o me and thinks she knows what I need more than I do AND is planning on staying far past moving me in, so I'm not really looking forward to trying to deal with that on top of starting a new school program. But we will persevere!!!

I just really hope she won't actually stay a month like she threatened to :,) I've lived on my own for almost 6 yrs now I really have the hang of it atp. And I like to settle into my new schedule and people without having 'make sure you're being acceptable to mom's standards in dress, mannerisms, where you go, and everything you do' as a bonus added stressor. She won't let me wear sweatpants around her how am I gonna RELAX T_T

Anywayy. We Will Persevere :)

Title is the general idea I'm just venting abt my specific situation below ૮⍝• ᴥ •⍝ა wheeeeeee

It would be so much better to yell and scream and get violent at me for not giving the answer you want or not being who your dream version of me was. But this is so much worse. To get yelled at and screamed at and violent over and then 20 minutes later you pretend I said what you wanted to hear, not what I said. Or that what I said is irrelevant because I'm autistic and mentally ill so clearly I do not know what I want or need.

I say it again and again, clear and concise, and it's like saying it to a wall. Until I break down in tears because it's like I'm not even a person. I'm just a prop or a thing in the play of your life, and when I don't fit the role you put me into I turn invisible. Then my crying is taken as evidence that I'm too sensitive/mentally ill to know what's good for me, and you double down. But I'm just so heartbroken to not be a human in your eyes and when I say that you take it as a personal assault and get angry at whatever you want instead of listening to me once again. You don't even get angry at my actual words, but what you decided my words meant. That's how little I'm being listened to.

Could anything else teach me so distinctly "your voice does not matter, fawn for me or I'll make it worse"? I don't understand. I'm trying to unlearn it and you don't see it so I know you're trying your best too but I wish my voice made sounds to you.

"You can't be on your own, you don't take care of yourself otherwise!!" "I always eat 3 meals a day even if they're not perfect or much, I walk, I'm in clubs/groups so I socialize, I shower every day, I get 8 hours of sleep most of the time, I clean my house and do laundry every Friday. What am I missing?" "But you don't do that!!!"

How am I supposed to respond? It's like I'm getting yelled at for not having a red car while I'm sitting in my red car. No amount of me pointing it out works. No wonder I start to cry. Yell at me for not having a red car while I'm in it. I'm pointing to it and choking up and you shake your head and shut your eyes. I am not real. I'm too autistic and messed up in the head to know any better.

In completely unrelated news (/s) my mom is coming to live in my apartment with me (I am a grown adult who has lived on my own for ~6 years) for an indefinite amount of time and every time I get distressed at this concept she increases the duration because I am clearly too mentally ill to be alone because 'no normal person would want to be alone all the time' (I'm not alone all the time) (and I have always been an introvert who values my alone time)

NO IT'S NOT IT'S CALLED YOU MADE IT UP AND WHEN I ASK WHY YOU DON'T HAVE AN ANSWER BC IT'S MADE UP

LIFE DOESN'T HAVE TO BE THIS WAY. LIFE DOESN'T HAVE TO BE CRUEL OR UNFAIR. EVEN IF IT IS, YOU DON'T HAVE TO ADD TO IT. YOU CAN CHOOSE HOW YOU ACT!!! YOU CAN CHANGE YOIRSELF. YOU CAN CHANGE YOUR ACTIONS AND REACTIONS AND LISTEN TO PEOPLE AND TREAT THEM KINDLY!!!

RAHAHHHHHHHHHHHH (crawling darkly) (screaming) (twisted) (crawling darkly) (screaming) (twisting) (crawling darkly) (screaming) (crawling) (twisting) (splitting) (creeping darkly) (tumbling) (crawling violently) (twisting) (convulsing) (roaring) (creeping) (growling sinisterly) (crawling) (splitting) (walking ashore) (twisting) (convulsing) (creeping) (walking twisted) (attack regardless of target)

Like the second you do something slightly 'unusual' with your fashion, hair, habits and hobbies, way you talk or walk, literally anything it's like you've given the world permission to chew you to bits

And when you're autistic and people sniff it out (they always sniff it out) you can just see this idk glimmer in their eyes when they realise maybe they can take advantage of you or make fun of you or make you a 'pet friend' if you get me

I just wanna know

WHY

What's the harm of being different?? Why are people so afraid??

Idk it bums me out knowing there could be so much cool fashion and hobbies and other stuff out there if people weren't so scared of being different. Then again I've known some people who express they wish they could be as carefree as me with my being weird (I just can't mask well lowkey) and then next minute they're making fun of someone else for daring to be different. Like dawg you are the people you're afraid of. Just stop making fun of people and then there will be less people doing that and soon we will all be able to have fun. EZ

I had to get three crowns today at the dentist :,))

Are the nametags good? Not really, it's hard to keep the stamper in place while I smack it with the hammer LOL and then it doesn't get deep enough in some places to hold paint and etc etc. Did it help distract me from 3/4 quadrants of my mouth, including both on the bottom so my tongue was gone, being numb and then hurting when the numbing wore off? Yes. So altogether worth it imo :)

But anyway I'm happy they both have nametags now :D Jackdaw's has some charms on it too, but it'd be hard to put charms on Finch's. His collar has no D-ring so I had to attach it via the regular keyring, and the charms would be stacked behind or in front instead of beside it like Jackdaw's. Besides, I think minimalism fits him a little better c: Jackdaw is definitely more of a maximalist

These are my ESSAs, Jackdaw (collie) and Finch (wolf)! Jackdaw is outgoing and confident, and a little proud. He's Finch's big brother. Finch is more timid and gentle, and he looks up to Jackdaw (which he appreciates bc he's not too happy that his little brother is bigger than him).

I love to hear about peoples plushie personalities, feel free to introduce/talk about yours too! :D

Idek how to describe it but they feel like. Coated. And they don't feel right til washed. I can feel the unwashedness. My family thinks I'm nuts they're like "I wear clothes right after buying! Who washes stuff first?" And they're always amazed I can tell it hasn't been washed when they give me smth evn with the tags off.

I can FEEL IT

Also I feel like they're the weird ones. Who buys clothes countless people might've tried on and doesn't wash them??

I want to post some too let's share <3

Finch (left) may be a wolf, but he's a little timid! He may look fearsome with his spiky collar, but he's a gentle critter at heart. He wants to learn everything he can about being an ESSA from his big brother, Jackdaw!

Jackdaw (right) may be a little bitter about his new little brother being bigger than him and he might be overcompensating a bit... but he still loves him :) and Finch doesn't even pay attention to Jackdaw's size with his bold personality and confidence!

(Yes I do give all my plushies (esp ESSAs) personalities and roles how could you tell? /silly)

Leaning towards Kestrel but I'm still torn! I like ospreys to represent him better (I imagine him to be a coastal wolf) but I feel like kestrel as a name rolls off the tongue better... or maybe Osprey wouldn't be so bad.

Right now his only gear is this spiked collar I had from another plush, but I kinda want to get one in brown bc I think he would look good with natural colors. He's currently sharing a vest with Jackdaw (Jackdaw's gear is black, so it looks good w this collar) for if I took him out, but I think he'd look good with camo gear for when I get him his own stuff! I've been trying to bond with him before going all out on his gear, but dressing my plushies up helps me bond w them actually :P it's why I like to gear up Jackdaw so much. So I'm thiiiinking camo, but I dunno, what color vest do you think would look good on him? I finally have access to my sewing machine again so maybe I could even make a custom one :D

I checked the ingredience(tm) again and there is STILL CANE SUGAR IN THIS RECIPE!!! WHY DID YOU PUT SWEETENER IN IT TOO?? IT ALREADY HAS SUGAR!!! 12g OF SUGAR FOR A 330ml DRINK IS PLENTY WHY IS THERE MONKFRUIT IN HERE!?? DID YOU DO THIS JUST TO MAKE IT TASTE DISGUSTING AND GIVE ME A HEADACHE AND MAKE ME SICK???

They did this to spite me personally I know it /j

Forgort monkfruit gives me a headache on top of messing w my stomach I honestly thought I would just conquer it or I was being too picky when I stopped drinking it after the recipe change

Nah

I HATE MONKFRUIT I HATE STEVIA I HATE SWEETENERS I HATE UNDISCLOSED FORMULA CHANGES TO MY SAFE FOODS/ITEMS I HATE SEEING 'new and improved!' STICKERS ON THINGS I LOVE *insert AM monologue*

I love getting all clean n cozy and tucking into bed, I love my glow in the dark stars on my ceiling, and I love cuddling up w my plushies and dozing off, hopefully to have nice dreams <3

Photo of my fav after-bathtime products and my bunny friend c: I love those cute agere pics on pinterest so I wanted to try taking one myself :P but I feel like I placed everything so randomly, I really wanted to show off my bunny's ears XD someday I'll take aesthetic photos!

(Also I haven't tried the new formula for this lotion yet I hope it doesn't mess w my sensitive skin ;u; why do they always gotta change my favorite stuff)