u/softwolfy

I'm so tired of masking. I used to be VISIBLY autistic and got it bullied out of me by family/classmates etc but now I'm a grown adult moved out so idc anymore

I was masked up so good I couldn't even recognise myself for years but now that I'm coming to accept myself I can Feel what I wanna do and my first instinct is still 'people will think I'm weird I can't do that'

How do I OBLITERATE that. DESTROY IT. I used to stim out loud and get noticeably upset at loud noises and lights and all that and I just locked it all up to be socially acceptable but I can tell it's killing me slowly

Ik my family is gonna be all "why are you doing that. Stop being weird/sensitive/acting like this thing affects you. You never did that/had a problem with xyz before" (yes I did bro I was just a kid and you thought I "grew out of it". SURPRISE. AUTISM IS A LIFELONG THING.) but I'll have to deal with them criticizing me all the time anyway. I already get "why are you trying to get accommodations for school/work?? You never needed those" bro I've been on a LEDGE my entire academic career and I'm only NOW discovering I CAN GET HELP!!!

How do I EVILLY accept myself and rip off this stupid fake NT mask and blow it up into a million pieces so I can never put it on again for my own sanity and wellbeing

I've had over a week to work on this paper and my boss wants to see the progress I've made tmrw (it's 0 (0 progress (idk where to even start)))

Not just any blanket, this blanket is almost 60 years old! It was my dad's baby blanket, and he gave it to me when I was three. I've had it ever since! One day he told me I had to stop sleeping with it because it was disintegrating (it was and is, lol). That was unthinkable so I washed it, stitched up all the holes, and added a new backing (the fuzzy fabric) and new satin lining (before it was just the cotton(?) waffle fabric, the original lining had fallen off long ago. It was already nearing 40 years old when I got it.) I rarely cuddle it anymore though just because it is so fragile.

But of course I only stitched around the edges, and the original fabric is quite stretchy, so my attempts to fix the holes haven't lasted too long. This original repair was a quick and desperate one because I was about to leave for college and couldn't stand leaving my blanket behind :P (honestly I wish I could redo the lining and backing, but it's machine stitched on there HARD and idk if it's possible to undo. Maybe with my stitch cutter and enough patience...)

TLDR: what are some ways I could fix up the weak spots and holes on this old thing? (And do you think I could undo the lining stitches to redo the whole project?) It's very precious to me and to my dad, and I don't think he'd like anything *too* flashy being added to it. But if it was my handiwork, he'd come to like it for my sake :P I'm open to anything! I love learning new skills

Someone needs to be responsible for this bc if I was I would simply not make myself stressed and scared for no reason

WHO is it >:(

/silly

I'm tired of my autism and mental illnesses running my life, especially my emetophobia lately. It's killing me lately genuinely I'm afraid to eat again (I know I'll cycle out of it like usual but still). It's even making my upcoming flight feel like a nightmare straight out of hell bc I'm so afraid of getting like sudden onset norovirus or some BULL absolute NONSENSE I am SO SICK OF IT. Feeling like I'm gonna die for NOTHING!!! NOTHING WILL HAPPEN!!!!

Anyway. My past experience with therapists has been poor. It was either a venting session or they intimidated me to the point I told them what I thought they wanted to hear (because I fawn even when I'm paying someone apparently). And I hear finding therapists who know how to handle emetophobia specifically is extra hard. Not to mention autistic adults. So. Before I lose hope. Has anyone had success with therapists? Any tips on finding a good one? Any tips on how to make the therapy work for you so you're not just passive?

Crying my stupid doggy eyes out because I know my phobias and how badly I mask is destroying me and I'm so so sick of my sick brain ruining my life when I could be living it it's such a joke I hate it so much. My sheer hatred of my ocd anxiety phobias whatever should crumble them to ash but it doesn't. Why do they rule me even when I point them out and know they're unreasonable. I'm so tired chat I'm going to bed bedtime bed will save me

Or noticing a pattern. Or something.

My mom accuses me of being completely socially unaware CONSTANTLY. Which is fair bc I do not get the subtleties of communicating. BUT. She does the most socially ridiculous stuff all the time, like talking on speakerphone in public, or talking rudely about people out loud, or leaving her shopping cart in the walkway and I have to move it, or pointing at people and talking about them, etc. And when I point out that this stuff is rude/not acceptable or kind to do in public she brings up that I'm autistic so I wouldn't know and I'm 'so sensitive' about everything

But my theorizing OK. My siblings (also NT) also recognise this as bad social behavior!! And people my age talk abt their parents doing it too! And I'm thinking it's a generational thing because of that. Like now that I think about it, people in that age range (in my experience):

- are very critical of autistic people's communication issues

- are happy to call you special needs and then when you try and get accommodations for work/school they suddenly decide you don't have any special needs and you're soft

- despite calling autistic people socially unaware are COMPLETELY SOCIALLY UNAWARE!!! Speakerphone in the middle of the airport, starting arguments with their family in public, being rude out loud, buncha other stuff that's disrespectful to the people around you

So. I don't have a conclusion to this. But what is UP with that?? How are you gonna yell at me for not getting the riddles of NT communication and etiquette and then be granted an NT mind and still be socially unaware?? What is it??? I don't underSTAND (explodes)

I have 2 weeks until I can get out of this place that's killing me

2. Weeks.

It used to be 3 months.

Now it is 2 weeks. And sometimes it feels too fast, because I have so much to do before I go, and sometimes it feels so slow, because I am slowly being killed by the place I'm in right now.

I can't get help until I'm out of here, see my psych or anything. I am alone to try and drag myself through these 2 weeks.

I've done it for 2.5 months. Why do these 2 weeks still feel so big and scary and impossible? I've done it for so much longer than I have left. But every task is so hard. And to get out of here I have to do something very scary for me, and honestly the place I'm going to is not ideal but at least I will have people to take care of me while I start to live again.

It's really been bad. I'm afraid to weigh myself when I ge t home and see how much damage has been done. I was stupid thinking I could adapt to new food so easily when it's my biggest issue. I just don't eat lately. I force myself as much as I can even when I'm genuinely just shoving food down my throat and hoping I don't spit it out but I know it's bad and I'm scared. And I'm scared my nonexistent appetite will continue even when I have access to my safe foods again. I think it's just stress and unfamiliarity but yeah. Autism food problems so awesome.

I am just Sick mentally and physically and every other way. I hope so bad I can recover in the short time I will have while I'm being taken care of, because then I have another big thing ahead, and if I'm not better by then I don't know what I'll do. It's all so much. And I have no choice but to take it one agonizing, eternal second at a time.

2 weeks. I can make 2 weeks

I've been having such a rough couple months and it's going to culminate in something very very stressful, but Jackdaw's been helping me so much to cope and prepare <3 I can't walk around with him in my arms because where I live now I'd get harrassed really bad (like, I watched a group of kids throw eggs at a mother and her poor baby not too long ago o_o the local groups would rip me to shreds for being an adult with a plushie, and while my area is safe as in you won't get physically harmed there's a very high chance you get verbally harrassed even when you're doing nothing (not to mention recorded against your will)) but even having him in my backpack is comforting, and when I get to take him out on nature walks he helps me stay in the moment by thinking where he would look cute in a photo, and ofc cuddling with him and holding him when I'm at home (I added weight to him so he's really grounding in my lap or on my chest!)

I also recently got some flare calmer earplugs which I've found really helpful for my noise sensitivity, and I can attach their case to his harness so he carries them for me! I got him some goggles too, and I like to say he has sensitive eyes like me. I have a hard time remembering my own things, but I always remember I need to pack Jackdaw's goggles so his eyes don't hurt, and it reminds me to pack my sunglasses and hat too c:

What are some ways your ESSA(s) help you?

Pic of the silly for good measure.

Anyway, I have to take an airplane soon (very scary) and I want to take Jackdaw with me to help! I've never taken a plushie with me on a flight before. To make sure he gets through security OK, I'm going to take off all his accessories, but I'm wondering: he's got like, half a pound of polypellets in his belly. Will that show up weird on the scanner?

Also, is there anything else you've encountered bringing an ESSA to an airport that would have been nice to know beforehand?

...double also, does anyone have any good tips on how to make airports and flying less scary? :,) I found out that my local airport staff is trained to recognise the sunflower lanyard for invisible disabilities, so I am going to wear one of those for the first time and I hope maybe that'll help, at least with the staff knowing I might need help or that they should go easy on me. But I still hate airplanes and airports :,)

I LOVE GULLS SO MUCH

I grew up in the desert and am moving back to no-gull-land soon but I LOVE THEM and I wanted to see a chick SO BAD before I left but I thought I had no chance and then I heard this peeper and there he was. Beautiful wee baby. LOOK at this mold spore.

(Lesser black backed gull btw!)

I'm so happy!! I'm moving back to the desert soon, and I ADORE gulls and have been so happy to be surrounded by them here. I wanted so badly to see a gull chick before I leave, but I thought ain't no way. But this morning on my walk, I heard chickie peeping and looked up to see this little beast! Parent was hanging around to keep an eye out on baby so I know it's being taken care of too :)

Lesser black backed gull, I believe! In Scotland. And photos taken on my phone so I apologise for the quality loll

"Oooh let's get crammed on this metal tube full of strangers and their germs and if something bad happens you're a billion miles in the air and basically you just have to lowkey die and you can't escape anywhere also you're squished in like sardines and your legs hurt and probably like half this plane picked up some mystery virus from their holiday and they're just hacking their lungs out or other various horrors no shame and you have to breathe it in and there's 4 bathrooms for like a hundred people and we're gonna feed you some slop maybe if you're lucky and if what we have will make you sick and you're hungry and want something you can handle you're stiiilll stuck on this tube so tough luck. Also this is soooo normal and OK and you're weird if you can't handle airplanes"

😭😭 sonion ring. No travel destination is worth it.

(But I have an 8 hr flight coming up no other choice does anyone have any tips on making flying less terrifying awful horrific and torturous :,) )

I have ummmm 2 weeks until I can go home (and get therapy and see my psych and have access to my safe foods and spaces again yesss hype hype hype) and when I'm not cleaning up this joint so I can move out as fast as inhumanly possible or working on my school project I just sit here and rot and feel terrible and cry and think about how badly I wish I was home bc I am so stressed about not being home and that I have to go on an airplane to get home (I will be sedated slightly but does anyone have tips for making airplane trips less scary and awful :,( )

What do you do for fun when you have no capacity to do anything r slash evil autism?

Should I just play roblox and path of titans all day to distract myself until I can leave. But then I feel like I'm "wasting time" everyone's telling me "ohhh woofy you only have 2 more weeks out there you should be out exploring and going to every possible thing ever!!!" Like man I don't even have the energy to feed myself. Thanks for the bonus guilt that I'm wasting my opportunities tho

I grew up being bullied but was too socially unaware to realise it until middle school and then I just felt sick all the time because now I could see it. I was always the popular girl's pet where they'd act like your friend and their friends would be giggling as they interacted w/ you. I got the fake notes from guys asking me out (but I'm autistic and I Notice things and I knew it wasn't that person's handwriting so I always tossed them lol). I got asked to dance at dances and was so happy for a moment and then they'd go back to their friends who were like BRO I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU REALLY DID THAT LOLL and I just wanted to go home. Men who claimed to be interested in me would end up just seeing me as a quirky autistic gf and when it turned out I was actually a real human being they'd snap and get nasty, I always thought we were friends

Now I just assume all kindness to me is fake. I yap my mouth off and told the guy who's interested in me that most people find me annoying and leave, and he told me (genuinely) "I don't find you annoying, nobody in our group does. Just the other day person A and B were saying they're going to miss you so much when you leave and you're lovely and blahblahblah"

And. I felt nothing. Not a movement of the heart at his confessions or when he talks sweet to me or anything. I just changed the subject. My brain went "great, more lies to trick me into trusting you so you can hurt me" even though I could TELL he was being genuine. But at the same time I've heard it before non-genuinely and seen how fast people switch up on me.

Anyway is there any way 2 repair. Your trust in people. Or am I cooked and destined to push everyone away forever because I'm constantly expecting them to do a sudden 180 or find out they've been laughing behind my back all along

I thought I was a werewolf. And I made very elaborate lore abt it and told select few people my deep dark secret and then they told the whole school I had rabies and I bit someone (actually confession I did do that last part but it was in self defense ok :(( )

It's so deeply ingrained I still identify with it today, but in a more fun and silly way and less in an alienating dehumanizing way :) I turned it into something fun and relaxing for me instead of something forced on me by how I was treated that caused me distress.

Like I make myself dog treats and follow the moon cycle closely and get sillay when it's full and chill out (to the best of my limited capabilities) when it's new, and I like to wear bone and paw motifs and werewolf-adjacent clothing and accessories and do things to pretend like I am one. And I dig the whole puppyboy/girl/whatever trend style goin on and therianism bc I steal their kibble recipes and 'how to act more canine' posts on pinterest and vocals/quad tips etc for my own nefarious purposes

Anyway what were you, fellow dehumanized outcast?

YES give me MORE years of trying to survive on my own with my terrible coping skills YES YES YES 😍😍😍 I didn't need help anyway I was reaching out in desperation bc I thought it was like funny or something my problems aren't even that serious yk autistic people and our being toooo swnsitive and making up all these issues out of nothing we silly little autisms 🥰 no don't even give me the standard office 'sorry we aren't taking new patients rn' I don't need it also ignore all the agony I described to you in the text box don't even send me like help hotlines or other places I can reach out to dw about it I'm just a number in your inbox amirite

(Extreme /s btw I feel like an animal bleeding out on the side of the road crying for help so hard its throat is burning and everyone's walking past me and sometimes they kick dirt on me for funsies)

Projecting onto the. Moon horst for today

Text free version also. Sry I haven't drawn in ages also graphic design is not my passion

Text box 1: "When I was there, all I wanted was to come home..."

Text box 2: "But it doesn't feel like home anymore, not how it was supposed to... is it bad if I want to go back?"