u/stueyp81

Overheard a middle aged couple in the supermarket. The man was looking at his phone while his wife was looking at items on the shelves.

Woman: It's time we get a bidet. Look at the price of toilet paper. It's ridiculous. JEREMY. Put your phone away. You're worse than the kids.

Man: Can you help me read this notification? It might be work related.

Woman: Where's your glasses?

Man: At home.

Woman: Why?

Man: I forgot.

Woman: I'm getting you glasses you can hang around your neck so you never have to worry about forgetting how blind you are.

Man: Please read the message.

Woman: Parcel ready for collection. What parcel?

Man: Acid gummies.

Woman: You ordered more? Microdosing is not the answer, Jeremy.

Man: I'm not looking for an answer, Shannon. I believe the answer is looking for me. And who knows... maybe with a little LSD in my system... I'll know what the answer looks like when I see it.

Woman: The answer looks like a midlife crisis, honey. You don't need drugs or glasses to see that. Now help me look for the bidet aisle.

Man: Just look for the sign that says butt guns.

Got to the point now 44m that I would rather roll a fat doob , knock one out and play world of tanks rather than try and find another fucking hole (gf)

Do Morrisons still own the abattoir in Colne and if so does anyone know what it's like thanks in advance

I overheard one of my coworkers giving the new intern a tour of the office. They're both women if that matters.

Coworker: That's the main boardroom. Warning, never be the first person to enter because you literally need to lean against that glass door with your whole body before it actually opens. Many have been in that position and most of them now get mocked. Isn't that right, Ian?

Ian: Good morning to you too, Rachel.

Coworker: Ian is our IT guy and a proud OnlyFans subscriber.

Ian: Not today, Satan.

Intern: Then Ian must have seen some of my videos.

Ian: Wait what?

Intern: Bad joke. Sorry. I'm not using OnlyFans.

Coworker: She was joking, Ian. Keep your pants on.

Ian: I'm just existing. What the heck.

Back to the intern...

Coworker: On that note, stay away from the unisex bathroom, especially during office parties.

Intern: Why?

Coworker: It smells like semen.

Intern: Wow okay.

Hi everyone, I’m looking for a bit of advice and maybe just somewhere to vent because things are getting stressful.

Me and my 19-year-old son are facing homelessness very soon. I currently rent a flat in Oswaldtwistle but my landlord wants me out within three weeks maximum, and because this started last week I’ve now only got about two weeks left.

Part of the issue is I have a cat against the tenancy rules, and he’s also unhappy about me smoking weed occasionally for anxiety.

There was also an incident in the pub below my flat a while ago which ended with me being arrested. My landlord owns both the pub and the flat, and I know that situation has also affected his decision.

The truth is I actually want to move anyway because I’m a recovering alcoholic and living above a pub has been terrible for my recovery and mental health. I’ve got support from family around the Oswaldtwistle/Accrington area so I really need to stay local if possible.

I’ve spent periods sofa surfing before and I’m scared of ending up back there again, especially with my son involved. I’m trying to deal with things properly and speak to housing services, but it feels overwhelming at the minute.

If anyone has advice about housing help, private landlords who accept pets, homelessness support, or even just what steps I should take next around Hyndburn/Blackburn, I’d really appreciate it.

Thanks for reading.

Guy speaking too loudly on public transit to his two friends: I'm talking about the ones from the gas station, they really make your shit work!

If you watch both inbetweeners and peep show you'll know Wolfie now works in a nerdy comic shop 👀