u/1800twat

I’m a pretty serious person who works a lot, I can be kind of explosive sometimes but I’m quick to calm back down. I mostly like to spend time at home relaxing, snacking or watching TV. Despite all that I’m pretty social, I often try to make jokes with people and I’m often told I have an extreme form of dry humor that people at least seem to enjoy. People tell me I have a big personality and I don’t seem bland or reserved, that I’m pretty direct and what you see is what you get. I personally think extreme makeup and filters are toxic to society overall especially for women so this is a raw image of me in a natural state.

Also 2 of my big 3 are the same sign.

When I take off the pen lid the outer needle goes with it so it seems that’s stuck inside of there. Am I ok? Google is not very helpful here

He’s been good to me, understanding, we seem to get along on very deep levels and have similar interests. He seems really attracted to me and really wants me. I’m worried I am not into him like he is into me. Right now I’m mentally and emotionally attached to him but I worry about physical compatibility.

I met this guy and at first communication felt rough but then it became easy. He feels like someone I can be vulnerable with and not judge me. We have had similar life experiences and have similar life goals despite having different childhoods. I just wish I knew his rising lol.

Any thoughts?

Im 31. So I’m not a spring chicken. But I’ve never been “chosen” in a way. I’ve never had a guy actually want to date me or be my boyfriend. Always good enough to be a side or just for fun but nothing serious. I had one boyfriend ever, I was 15 and I found out he only dated me because of a dare. It really insulted me and hurt my ego and needless to say and I became desperate for male validation. But I always wanted a commitment, something deeper. So when I would tell them I only sleep with someone if they were my boyfriend they’d stop talking to me. Especially this one guy I really caught feelings for when I was 18. Part of me really wanted me to not be so hung up on wanting a commitment and just accept my role as a side because maybe I’d have been happier just accepting some love even if temporary than none at all.

When I was 21 I was assaulted by a guy I met off tinder who at the time I was really interested in. When it first happened I honestly did not even know it was assault. >!It happened in my sleep and I just woke up to a pool of blood and all I could think about was how I must’ve started my period and how embarrassing it was!<. I even rode with him home in the Uber because we lived in the same apartment complex at the time. >!But later in the day as the hangover wore off I realized the amount of blood didn’t make sense, it was way too much to have drenched the bed and the entirety of my legs. And the “cramps” I was experiencing didn’t feel like normal cramps, it felt like my cervix area. And the cervix pain lasted at least a week but there was no blood.!< I was truly mortified by the experience and I was distraught. “How could I let this happen to me, I’m better than that?” I would say to myself. A couple months later I had surgery to deal with a choking hazard of a goiter only to find out I had cancer tumors all over my thyroid. And my doctors never corrected my medication so I gained 80 pounds. A decade later I still have by the way, never was able to lose the weight. But the weight gain gave me severe dysmorphia and I already had insecurities with the way I looked since I was 15 and the ability to protect myself I just shut it all tf down. Took myself off all social media. Deleted all the dating apps. Never even attempted to look for another date. Had to stop using tampons cause I couldn’t even do that anymore. The weight gain triggered my underlying PCOS and I started growing facial hair and body hair. I just accepted my lot in life that I would be fat hairy and celibate. I just wasn’t meant for love or deep friendships or anything like that. I wasn’t a cute fun girl people wanted to have friendships with and have cute photos on IG with and certainly not cute enough to be someone’s wife.

A decade later and it’s different now. I’m having some kind of sexual awakening. Even before the assault I was never really someone to experience arousal and I thought that maybe I was asexual. This is no longer true and that area has tingly feelings it’s never gotten before, and it’s for sure confirming heterosexuality as I look at men differently now. Why is this happening now, at 30 years old? Wasn’t this supposed to start happening like half my life ago? But now I can’t ignore these feelings. I want passion really badly. I want love really badly. I’m not scared of doing anything down there anymore. “Maybe I’ve finally processed my trauma, despite all the therapy I guess it just took time?” But I’m still insecure about my size. I can’t lose weight. I got a prescription for GLP1 and I hope it helps but in the meantime I still don’t think I’m very good looking. How can I pursue someone now? I’ve never had a consensual sexual experience and I’m fucking 31 years old. This is embarrassing. How do I get over my fears of letting someone in? Last time I did I was physically harmed, and on top of that I have to worry about my performance. How would any man be ok with this level of baggage from someone, and they aren’t even good in bed? Now it just feels like torture. I wish I never had genitals it’s never done anything but given me pain.

4:24 am and no one will see this because of the time. But I guess putting it into a void is better than nothing.

I’ve heard conflicting information about this planet. I arguably have one of the best Saturns around, mooltrikona in its own sign of Aquarius. It’s also my ascendant lord. So this planet is a big deal for me personally. But how does it operate in its happy place like this? I’ve heard some people say it grows stronger as a malefic, so this is bad, while others say it actually becomes a benefic. Since it is sitting in the 2nd house, I would like to understand if it’s helping or hurting my financial situation.