u/Adept-Foot7692

I've gained and lost weight a few times in my life. Every time I am anything but chubby-ish I notice I become far more stern, maybe reclusive and less fun.

I think its because I used food to cover up how I feel and without sedating myself through multiple binges I become a very serious Person. I think it was suppressed anger that led to me overeating even suppressed sorrow and grief. Now without it I feel extremely bitter, grieving, rageful and sort of empty. I dont have the same kind of attunement or care I have towards people during times I'm bigger. I really just only focus on my own wellbeing and my emotions, nobody interests me in that regard because I dont have the ability to focus away from my own emotions this way if it makes sense.

I feel this heaviness in my chest every morning. The longer I go without compensating with binges the more angry I get at everything in my life. When people say they didn't change as a person when they lost weight I can't relate. The only reason I usually gain weight is because Im "taking a break" from me as a person so I can temporarily ignore what I feel and who I am deep down.

Edit: I dont necessarily struggle with food noise or craving foods. Food was never abt taste for me but stuffing down emotions. When I lose weight I lose my apetite and usually eat only what's necessary to get by and healthy. I dont care much for food if I cant use it in quantities to stuff emotions down, it becomes uninteresting I could eat peas and eggs all the time I dont care. It's more so I feel more raw emotionally if that makes sense

Is anyone else extremely lonely and alone since like forever. I just never have my people I just watch others and if I do make connections they're fragile superficial and Im taken advantage of emotionally.

Am I alone?

Im from Europe and currently the heatwaves are back to back and insufferable..

I only feel safe when Im alone but because I dont own an AC and we're in a heatwave I have to go to public places to not literally be grilled at home then people trigger me even strangers. Yesterday I was asked out as a joke by some kids for example and ever since Im in a shame spiral yet I can't even be at peace alone..The heat triggers me so bad.

IAE effected?

Its just a source of pain. I get ut not everyone sees everything or cares.....

I just can't stand it anymore..When I cried all these times in public not once did anyone care not even to give me a tissue. I even cried in class alone and nobody cared. My friends don't care when I need support. Genuinely nobody gives a fuck and Im so lonely.

Nobody is entitled to care but it's bitter to see that even when people see me suffer they still dont care. Nobody ever did and I feel irrelevant. Death on its own feels humiliating for me because that will just prove how nobody cared about me anyway. I had no impact I didn't matter I was nobody.

Im 5'2 tall and weigh 127lbs. I lost enough weight to not be overweight anymore. I eat around 75-95g protein daily.

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I dont lift or go to the gym. The thing is I dont have a calorie goal to aim at. Every calculator says something else. I usually try to aim for 1300-1700 but often times I end up so hungry that I have trouble sleeping or feel really bad then after a while I relapse and binge usually after just having lost fat. I am active, there are days I walk for 3-5+ hours.

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Anyways today I binged 4k calories again. I just feel like my stomach is a pit. I binged on mostly proteinrich snacks, not necessarily healthy but healthier I guess. I don't know what to do or how much I can increase without gaining weight. I'm triggered by 5 days no sleep above 3-4 hours and heatwaves

Im 5'2, currently 126lbs and my goalweight is 105lbs.

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So far Im losing the weight but Im also doing excessive exercises daily. But I wont always be able to do them rn Im just in a phase of my life where I have time. I also dont have a calorie target I eat based on hunger cues.

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Hence why I worry about keeping my goalweight once I reach it. What would I have to do to maintain that weight realistically? What would I have to give up and how much would I have to move?

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What do you do on average days?

I can't sit near humans without holding my breath, checking to exist, being extremely on edge, wanting to hide myself not be seen etc even if Im in the subway with strangers, dinner table with a close friend, school or anywhere even when I have safe people and rationally know they wont do something my body feels so threatened I practically can barely breathe focus or anything. I just look really uncomfortable and tense from the outside view.

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I used to get degraded hated on and abused when I sat with my parents. They would also frequently use silent treatment to punish me. I had to be on edge I never knew when they'd laugh at me humiliate me cuss me out degrade me hit me or punish me for no reason or play with my emotions for fun.

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I can't even sit by my best friend of 7 years without tensing twitching checking for danger and I feel so worn out. I want to socialize tough I need it but my body doesn't register it.

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I'll make food lists, binge lists, go on several online shops and save my desired food items, I'll look at pictures on pinterests, I'll put food in my cart on delivery apps....but I wont actually order it or buy anything.

Weirdly enough though it's actually been pretty helpful so far because the anticipation releases my stress, it helps me, it makes me feel happy safe and comforted like how a binge would. Looking at all the foods and picking items and choosing what I'd eat even if I dont order it just the idea makes me feel safe and good. It's like binging but without feeling uncomfortable bloated in pain and gaining weight.

I lost some weight doing this, now am at a healthy weight. I still relapse ......I dont binge in masses every day but I do overeat a lot....I just overeat something low in calorie after daily intake like kimchi or cucumber or cherries

So I made a post not long ago that Im hungry at 1300 despite covering protein beyond my weight. I upped my calorie intake to 1500 and still the issues remain. Some days I ate 1700 and even then I couldn't sleep due to hunger having eaten less other days (1500)

I weigh 130lbs and am 5'2 tall. I walk 3 to 4 hours a day sometimes quickly, I fidget every time I sit down by shaking my legs fastly, I have high stress so naturally my heart beats fast chronically. I also have some leg and arm muscles.

I think I'll raise calories to 1700 daily now unless Im not hungry. But I am. Im so hungry I haven't been able to sleep for 2 days properly. I eat almost double my weights protein as well so there's that. That's it just wanted to announce I can't stick to 1500

Edit: I ate 1900 today

I struggle to keep friends or contacts in my life and thus often feel very lonely. I try to make friends, face rejection a lot and also am stressed because I have to outsource everything by myself.....its unfair

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Other people get parents that help them with finances, organizing, managing or helping out.

When I need a ride to the hospital.....nobody is here

When I need a ride somewhere....gotta order a taxi but I dont make enough money

When Im sick I gotta get groceries alone....

When I need help academically its on me to beg for help.... and so on

How do you deal with this?

Im 21 exhausted due to cptsd and still everything weighs on me. Barely any money, none saved

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- household chores like cleaning, buying cleaning supply, grocery shopping, managing time is so incredibly beyond stressful for me

- I also get stressed if it's dirty or unkempt so yay

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- Laundry makes me nuts I have to use half a day just to get laundry done.

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If anything has issues such as stuffed clogs or something I have to figure that shit out alone and I dont have money to pay for it and then I can't shower or have clean dishes and struggle.

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The financial aspect is a nightmare I can't save anything for life. Then there's school which I struggle with greatly and I have to organize help. If I need anything at all I have to organize every help and I dont have the energy or nervous system for it. I can't work due to cptsd

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I've been set up for a life of poverty haven't I?

I dont know if that's normal but every time I meet someone new they after a few hangouts want to introduce me to either their partner/friends or even their relatives and family. This has happened to me a lot the last 1-2 years. Since meeting new people it continues to happen on an even quicker pace.

I dont know why people are doing this and it makes me nervous because I dont really do that myself.

How do I go about this? What is the usual goal or meaning behind why this happens so much to me? Am I reading too much into it? It seems like a social test of some kind.

I dont know if that's normal but every time I meet someone new they after a few hangouts want to introduce me to either their partner/friends or family. This has happened to me a lot recently and Im quite shy about it because Im not used to it much. A few times it happened but a lot of the times I made excuses.

I guess Im really nervous because I dont really understand what the drive is behind the idea of me meeting these other closer people of theirs?

Can someone enlighten me

When I was a child I was, like all children, beyond desperate for my parents approval. I did everything they wanted from me like a loyal subservient servant, I let them make me hate myself in favor of them, No matter how much I tried, I was always punished.

Every time I tried to do anything in life they'd tell me to give up because its no use and nothing is possible, stuff like that. When I tried something they'd abuse and bully me so bad I'd SH or be depressed and quit.

I developed this worldview where all effort is going to lead to punishment anyway so might as well not try.

It turn out effort does pay off or at least matter. It's all news to me I didn't know. I didn't know things could get better

I am very independent and I know from personal experience that the minute I get a bit of support I can flourish. Like I feel emotionally supoorted and safe suddenly I live healthy lifestyle I do chores homework I sleep well I feel fine.

Sadly I dont have stable support system. It drives me mad because Im held back mostly best Im by myself in this mess. If I had support I'd be okay, still painful but okay. The fact that I have to be alone in this suffering drives me crazy. All responsibility is on me and I raised myself.

I can't force people to care or be there. I dont have that. Im just a 21 year old who's alone in this world with no support

I tried securing myself some form of support like a social worker I see once a week, therapy twice a week and I socialized enough to know many people just to chill with.....But nobody is here for me like a parent or relative or anything would be. Im on my own on every problem and issue. It makes my body physically sick, tension, gut issues, sleep problem, constant stress even when doing nothing all because I have been failed over and over again it's absolutely a huge injustice neither I nor anyone in my position deserves. We didn't choose this. We should get support and care.....

What now?

I wanna be held and comforted. Im touch starved.

Maybe its just my circles but often I feel like the only or one of the few people in this city who has cptsd especially in my age bracket (Im 21). Is anyone here from the city as well?

Because I heard we chose lives based on our subconscious beliefs and frequency and some is conscious meaning most souls keep reincarnating in bad to worse lives if they can't reach happiness. That explains why privileged people are so clueless because they probably had mostly nicer incarnations...meaning they attract from that conciseness point...right?.