u/Bubbles2590

He chose his mom/family over me. I feel awful, and I feel like he’s going to move on and find a woman who values family and I’m gonna feel like crap because he made me feel like not being accommodating to his family structure was a character flaw.

So, I broke up with my partner of two years due to his family, mainly his mother. His mother is a 48 year-old woman, and he is 29. She is a widow of four years (husband was 30+ years older), and she also lost her mother four years ago as well. I tried to be accommodating in the beginning, understanding that he is her only son/child and essentially all that she has left in the household. She’d have panic attacks often. She has a bunch of family, but she really clings onto her son. I moved in with them at the beginning of our relationship because my job was closer to their house. But after a while, I got tired because it just felt like we were kids under her rules. She constantly had family coming in and out staying for extended periods of time and I felt like we had no privacy. It felt like there was always somebody coming around, someone to always hang out with. I wanted to build on our relationship between each other, but there was always somebody tugging at him. So, I urged him and we got a place of ourselves together after almost a year of being together.

I thought this was going to be the change that we needed, but it didn’t even feel like we had our own place, being that he would still have to constantly go back to her house multiple times a week to help her with the household things as well as to console her because she felt alone and that he just abandoned her. She called 3 to 4 times every single day. This led to a lot of arguments, because I felt like he would prioritize his family (extended family, cousins, aunts/uncles, mothers friends) constantly over us, and it felt like I was just dating him and his family. He was tasked of helping take care of his family, being that his stepdad used to take care of his mom‘s family before he passed. I started to lose attraction to him, and our sex life dwindled. And he complained about that. His family would often comment on how quiet I am, but I just didn’t feel comfortable, and I got tired of spending every holiday and almost every function with them. His mom’s friends would make little comment sometimes, throwing shade and it just gave that they didn’t really like me that much.

I know I was not a perfect girlfriend, and I have flaws that I need to work on, but I really tried because I cared about him. However, in our last arguments, he said that his family will always be a priority, they were a priority before me and they’ll be a priority after me. He also doubled down and said I don’t know anything about having a family. I have an estranged family, my mom passed away, and I was raised by my grandparents. I never had extended family or just family constantly around. I grew up alone pretty much. For him to hit that low broke me. He gets mad and he says some really hateful things. I’ve just had enough. But, I can’t help but think about how he’s going around probably slandering my name and how he dragged this on knowing that I was not the person for him. Because I wasn’t extremely close to his family, we couldn’t work out. I feel awful.

Our lease is ending in a couple weeks, and he essentially moved back home like three months ago, periodically stopping by. He stopped helping me with the rent, so I’ve been having to pay for months rent these past two months by myself. I just feel abandoned. It feels like in his head, he’s justifying his behavior because I don’t get along with his family and that’s like a huge character flaw to him almost as if, I don’t value family. Which isn’t the case, it’s just his family and his mom are just so overbearing. I just can’t take it. It’s like they have no ambition or drive to do anything else except lean on their family for everything. He says that he’s gonna pay me back, but every time I ask, it’s always he has to get money out of another account. I’m turning 28 years old and I feel like I have to start over. Choosing myself is not easy, it’s very hard. He’s going back to a support system, a community of full of people that care about him. So he’s gonna be OK. He’s gonna go off and he’s gonna go find somebody else who adores his family dynamic and they will ride off into the sunset together. I don’t have a support system, I don’t really have community. And that’s something that I want so badly in this lifetime. It just feels lonely. But I felt like I had to go, cause I do hope to be married one day and I don’t want to be tied to a person who wouldn’t ever prioritize me. It’s been two years and no talks or actions towards getting more serious/marriage. How do I get over this feeling of just feeling like shit, and that I was at fault here and this is somehow a reflection of my character?

I.e., they may say that if you’re not close to their parent(s), extended family etc. the relationship won’t work. Is that a valid requirement or a 🚩 ?

I would like to hear any experiences yall may have. I just had to end a two-year relationship. His mother was a widow, she is 49 years old. He’s Jamaican, I’m black American for context he’s 29, I’m 27. At first, I tried to go along because I know that it’s hard losing a spouse. But as time went on, I saw that she overly relied on him to fill the role of her late husband. And he actually did, higkey. She called him 3 to 4 times a day, and she absolutely lost her mind when he moved out into our own apartment together. Eventually, he moved back out because he had to help her with her household things and to be there for her as she is still grieving (she lost her husband and her mother four years ago, so I tried to be graceful for as long as I could). Everyone relied on him, even his extended family. I just felt like we weren’t growing, and he told me his family is a priority, and that I have no idea what a family is during our last argument. That was the final straw (I have an estranged family, my mother passed away, and I’m not close to either side of my family, and he’s aware of this, so he basically threw this in my face). I’m actively trying to heal, so wish me luck.

I’m just curious to see if anyone has ever had an experience like this? Is this just a cultural thing at play here? Or, is this something deeper? Thanks ladies.❤️

I find that I have a harder time accepting when people abandon me or people don’t “choose” me. Not that I’m desperate for connection, but I feel like the lack of a support system makes me yearn for people a lot more than a person who may have a solid support system. Like for example, I do hope to find my person one day. I just got out of a relationship with a partner that had a robust support system. He discarded me rather quickly, and it feels like the breakup hits a lot worse for me than it probably does for him, being that he has a support system to help him through the break up and or make him feel like he wasn’t at fault. So I’m curious if anyone else feels this way or has any examples of how not having a support system has impacted of your life.

Why can it be so hard? Even when you know it’s the right thing to do.

For context, I am a 27 year-old woman. My dad is an only child and his side of the family is very estranged. My mother had siblings, but after she passed away, her family distance themselves because they weren’t a fan of my father. I was raised by my grandparents, who were angels, but just very sheltered and shy. I am an only child too. So I don’t really have much family. There were no family gatherings, vacations, or people just coming over randomly.

I recently ended things with my boyfriend (29) of two years, mainly due to his family and prioritization issues. His mother was very overbearing, and he had to essentially show up for her to the extent of a spouse, being that she is a widow and lost her husband and mom four years ago. She is still relatively young and healthy, she is 49 years old. At first, I tried to be accommodating to his situation. However, it got to a point where there was an expectation that I treat his mom like my own mother, due to the fact that I don’t have a mother of my own. He also was helping support her financially, and it started cutting into our own expenses being that he is trying to build his own company and doesn’t have a steady income coming in. We actually had our own place at a time, but he had to move back in with his mother because she couldn’t handle being alone & how to help her with household maintenance. He actually was hoping that I would move into their home and stay until we could possibly move out together again. Every holiday was with his family, and eventually, I got tired. I had hoped that we would eventually build our own lives together, of course, seeing his family here and there, but not that his family would be a huge part of our daily lives. This lead to multiple arguments, and we ended up breaking up. I was always cordial and polite with his family, but they are just not my cup of tea personality wise. And I don’t think I was theirs, cause they always commented on the fact that I was so quiet and reserved.

My question is, am I wrong for not being a family oriented person? I don’t think I am sworn off of having a family, I am hoping to have my own family.. children and husband. But I felt like dating my ex, was essentially dating his family as well and our whole life would be surrounded by his family. I’m trying to just shake off this feeling, because I feel bad, because he wasn’t a horrible person. I just couldn’t except his family dynamic for the rest of my life.

We had our last argument a few days ago. He said some hurtful things, like “I’ve been wanting to break up with you for the longest”, “you weren’t a great girlfriend” “you’re selfish”. The list goes on. And I’d be lying to say it doesn’t hurt. I’d be lying if I didn’t feel defeated, shame, embarrassed etc.

If you look at my post history, you can get a taste of what I’ve experienced. My ex was 29, I’m 27. His mother is 48 and a widow. It’s been a sh*t show of a relationship.

I’ve been trying to find a new job and leave our joint apartment (that he isn’t at bc he left to go back home with his mother). well, I finally landed a job and I terminated the lease at the end of August. I should be happy, no? I just feel numb. I feel like I wasted nearly 2 years of my life. We never had a chance of building a foundation bc our “honeymoon” phased was interrupted by his mother. In the beginning, the only time we could see each other was at his house (with his mom). I lived with my grandmother, so it was either or and his house was bigger. I went along with it for a while, even moved in for a short period bc I got a job closer to him. But then I saw everything for what it was. His mother was overbearing, relied on him for everything. He constantly had family coming over staying for extended weeks at a time. It just got too much. We never got time to build our relationship up with the constant interruptions. We finally moved out, and I thought this would be the change… but no. He visited his mom 3x a week, she’d call multiple times a day. She’d have these panic attacks. It just felt hopeless. I got turned off early on, not craving or having a desire to have sex. He would constantly complain about not having sex and I would tell him why. I think that’s part of why things ended, he says I wasn’t meeting his needs.

I just feel like sh*t. And I want to stop blaming myself. Has anyone else walked away and felt like this. I’m just tired of ruminating and thinking of him moving on happily with another woman and I’m stuck here healing from this catastrophe. Please tell me it gets between.

Edit: thank you all for the kind words 🥹 wow I’m tearing up!

I’ve been told: “you weren’t a great girlfriend to me” “I’ve been trying to break up with you the longest” “I’m having so much fun doing me it’s so much better” in the span of 24 hours.

I feel numb. Don’t really wanna go on the details of my breakup, but it’s hurtful nonetheless. I’m just curious to know why people wait until the end to truly “speak their mind“ or say things that they know are going to hurt you deeply. And, how do you not take the statements/actions personal or a reflection of my value?

Currently, I’m close to earning a little over 100 K as a bedside nurse. I work nights, so that’s with the differential. I got offered a role that is offering 80k, after training I would only have to go in about 3/4 days a week.. no weekends/holidays. Just wondering if it’s worth it and if there’s room to earn more. Thank you in advance. 💕

As most of you know, the job market is brutal. I had an interview today, and I completely bombed it. I told the interviewer that I had a stutter and I was nervous, and she was just like it’s OK and she even tried to do an ice breaker with me to calm my nerves. Didn’t help to be honest. At the end of the interview, I asked her, is there anything that’s causing you any hesitation of hiring me? I explained to her that although I do have a stutter, I have passion and I have drive and I am eager to learn and grow in this role. I know I bombed it. Prior to the interview, the recruiter told me that the team was excited to meet me because I look so great on paper. I completely bombed and I’m so disappointed in myself. I feel like Im gonna be stuck at a horrible job forever because of my stutter.

How do you guys handle interviews, are they hard for you? Do you believe your impact your ability to land a job?

At this point I’m tired. I’ve tried to be accommodating at first, as I was trying to get to know his mother and his family. But EVERY holiday he spends with his family, because it’s a “tradition”. He asked me what my plans were for July 4, bc one of his mother’s church friends is having a cookout and he would like me to come. I had a rough shift (I’m a nurse) and I’m a bit irritable right now, so I finally snapped today and said I’m tired of feeling like our relationship centers his mother and her family. Him saying “oh she feels left out” bc she’s lonely and lost her husband 4years ago. She’s 49 years old! Shes healthy! Acting like her life is over. She just expects her son and his partner to be up under her all day, and I’m the kind of woman who wants to do that. I haven’t spoken to her in months bc of how she’s been acting towards me. She is very moody, I never know what to expect from her and that triggers me so I keep my distance. Idk maybe this is just me ranting. But am I wrong for feeling a kind a way about this? I’m 27 and he’s 29. Almost 2 years together. I had no idea how enmeshed him and his mother were until we got in deeper and she felt a kind of way that I wasn’t trying to be her daughter.

I feel like we will never be able to build our own life. He’s so family oriented, much more than I am.. so maybe it’s a fundamental issue. But my God, I just want to build my own life with my partner. We are grown! It’s like I’m dating him plus his mother plus his extended family. Sorry for the rant guys I’m just genuinely fed up.

I truly learned the importance of choosing the right partner. As an oncology nurse, I take care a lot of end of life patients, young and old. I’ve seen patient’s partners drive 2 hours back and forth every day to be by their partner’s side. On the other hand, I’ve seen individuals who supposedly have partners spend their last days alone. Life can be so unpredictable, it’s so important to be mindful who you are choosing to be by your side. This of course goes for friendships as well.

I would love to hear what you guys have learned about life while working in this field.

Just curious if I should be hopeful or was this just a pleasant way of telling me I didn’t get the job. I always thought that if the hiring team really liked you you’d find out same day, lol.

I know bedside is awful right now. I feel constantly under appreciated by management, disrespected by patients, etc. I’m actively trying to find a new job, not really getting any bites but not giving up. I guess my question is, how do you stay resilient? What keeps you at a job you strongly dislike/borderline hate? Aside from having to pay bills lol. I feel like crashing out most nights, and I dread coming in to work. My coworkers are the only ones who keep me sane but I genuinely can’t stay at a job I hate just because of the people but for so long.

More specifically, for a non bedside role. My new grad job I received an offer a hour later, lol (red flag 😭) I know this job market is horrible, so I just want to be realistic about my expectations (and calm my nerves).

For those of you who left your enmeshed partner, how did you find the strength?

My boyfriend’s mother is a widow whose husband died 4years ago. She is 49. My boyfriend lived with her his whole life up until I came in the picture. Her husband left them an inheritance but it’s all tied up in trust that she is unable to handle, requiring him to take over the finances & to take care of her household. Her mother passed shortly after her husband. I do have sympathy for her. I really do. But it’s capped at this point.

Here’s a brief synopsis of what has happened:

I approached him and told him that I’m looking for other jobs (as I dislike mine, partially bc it’s so close to his mothers house) and there’s a possibility I’ll be moving closer towards my home town. He said we would have to ensure that we prioritize seeing each other. He would move back with his mom, & I don’t feel comfortable going to his mother’s house any more, based off her inconsistent moods and past history with her. Her friends have said shady things to me at family events, I get glaring looks whenever we show up to family functions. He tells me I don’t try to get close to her as much as he would like. I told him I call/text her with no response & that I’m tired/done with trying. Oh boy, did that set him off. He said we won’t work if his mother and I don’t get along. And that I should appease her. I flipped out, citing all the bullshit mistreatment I retrieved from her/his family/her friends, and that he has NEVER had to go through that with my family. My family took him in as their own. So he stormed out the apartment and went back to her house. I think this is it. It seems like making sure his mother is happy determines whether our relationship is okay. I’m just tired of crying and arguing. I just want to feel like leaving him isn’t some huge mistake. Seeing him with another woman will break me. It’s going to confirm the belief that he has moved on to someone who gets along with his mother. He has told me if his mother and I don’t get along we can’t be together.

Im in this apartment alone. He’s comfortable getting fed at his mom’s house. Im tired of him going back and forth between our apartment and his moms house multiple times a week. Im tired of his mom calling him multiple times a day, every day for dumb shit. He goes over there nearly every time I go to work (I work nights, I’m a nurse). Even when he’s at the apartment, she’s calling. He’s 29, I’m 27. I feel so hurt. I’m tired of feeling like I’m the problem. I’m not the most family oriented person, as I don’t have much family. But every holiday is centered around her and his family. I don’t mind doing some holidays with his family, but EVERY one? He tells me this is just a tradition, something he’s always done. I would Love to be close to the mother of the man I choose to be with. But her? Too much has transpired for me to ever feel comfortable around her. Her moods constantly fluctuate, her friends come over to her house and act weird towards me. People close to me say they think the mother is jealous.. but I just don’t understand.

He came back to our apartment and said he has realized that all the responsibilities he has to take care of made him not show up as the partner I needed him to be. He wants to take time to go back home so he can handle the loose ends for his mother so he can finally be able to move on and build a life of our own together. I can’t help but feel like this is just another ploy for me to be patient and wait on things to change. Our lease is ending in August and I am praying I can land a job close to home so I can leave. I feel bad because I feel like I’m leaving a good guy and going back into this horrid dating pool. It feels like I don’t fight hard enough for this to work (I.e., couples therapy). Idk how to fight these thoughts. But all in all, I’m TIRED.

My question to you call is, how do I get the strength to leave? I feel so sad. I’m crying all the time. I guess I I fear that I will end up alone, as I’m getting older and it gets harder as time goes on to find a decent partner. Please give me any advice to not dwell on this man.

I’ve read this response on some posts when women share their experiences with the partner/husband and his mother. I’ve also heard this in real life. People say if a man loves his mother, he will love you and treat you well.

I’ve shared my story on here a while back. My partner prioritizes his mother, who happens to be a widow (lost her husband 4 years ago). He helps her with finances, household tasks, etc. At first, I thought it admirable that he was taking so much on his shoulders to be there for her. As time went on though, that load got heavier and heavier. When it was time for us to get our own place, his mother got increasingly needy. She calls him 3-4x a day, with questions. He would go over there multiple times a week. After a while, we would get into arguments about the frequency of his visits and how it felt like we couldn’t grow as a couple bc it felt like he would spent the bulk of his time helping her out/visiting her. When we got in big fights, he would pack up some of his things and go back to her house. Our most recent fight (happening now) has lasted over a week, he’s been at her house since last week. We haven’t spoken much. I got tired of the constant back and forth. I’ve been job hunting, because quite frankly I dislike my job and also I want to get away from this madness. I asked him how would we work if we are long distance (I’d be moving near my hometown, which is over an hour away from our current apartment). He told me we would need to prioritize each other and visit. I don’t feel comfortable going to his mother’s house anymore, after her change in behavior towards me (wish washy behavior). He told me I should be trying to appease her. She’s relatively young, healthy not even 50 yet. He’s in his late 20s, as am I.

I don’t know if what I’m feeling is valid, as I know he is trying to be a good son. But it feels like if I wanna date him, I have to date his mother as well. He’s really close to his family and his family hangs out often. But me, I want to build our own life together as a couple. I don’t mind doing some family outings, but they shouldn’t be the bulk of our time. And it shouldn’t be a crime or seen as “I don’t like his family” if I don’t feel like going to certain events. Sometimes I feel guilty because it feels like I want him to myself, and I don’t have a desire to be super close to his mother. I know that some girls hope to be close to their mom in law, but I don’t due kind of person that she is. Especially after everything that I’ve seen, and how she acts when she saw that we were getting serious. At this point, I’m on the verge of ending things, because him choosing to leave me at our apartment alone, while he goes back to the comfort of his mom is a huge red flag to me. I just want to break clean free of him and move on.

I’ve made a post here awhile back. Yes, I’m leaving. We have been having an influx in arguments, mainly surrounding him constantly having to go to his mothers to “help” her out multiple times a week. She’s a widow (husband passed 4 years ago) and does not know how to take care of a household alone. She’s 48, he’s 29. I’m 27. We have been dating for 2 years. Her and I were cordial at first, but once he moved out she’s been so helpless and lonely and needs him to help her with handling her husbands assets and household tasks, etc. I lived there for a few months until I could land a job, but I couldn’t wait to get out! She was always having her church friends come over, and they were constantly side eyeing me & making snide remarks. Deep down, it feels like his mother and her church friends wanted him to date a girl that was of his same culture or a church going woman. We finally moved out and I thought things would’ve gotten better. He goes to his moms every time I have work (Im a nurse working nights). At first I kinda looked past this, as I know she was having a hard time living alone. Then? She started calling him 3x a day, every day. Asking him questions about how to do stuff. Eventually? That took a toll on our rship, bc it felt like he was going over there multiple times a week, and even when he was at the apartment she was still calling. Fast forward to a few weeks ago, I went through his phone (I know, wrong of me) and I saw the texts between him and his mother. She gets upset when he doesn’t answer the phone, she even suggested “playfully” that she try to hook him up with one of the church women. He claims it was a joke. I stopped going over to his mom’s house because I don’t feel comfortable around her any more.

We had a huge fight, him saying that I don’t try to get close to his mother, and that I should be trying to appease her. I flipped out because I feel like he can always pinpoint all the ways I have disrespected her, but anytime I brought an issue to him, he would always say that I am looking at things the wrong way or I’m being too sensitive. He packed up a few of his things and he had gone to his mom‘s house it’s been over a week and he’s still there, he has says that he’s gonna come back and bring his things back to her apartment but honestly, I’m done. I don’t trust him anymore. My family is nearly 2 hours away and I’ve been here because my job is here. I feel hurt but I need to be done. How do I stop feeling guilty that I’m making the wrong decision. And how do I stop feeling like the next woman is going to get a better him, who his mother will like.

More specifically, if your parent(s) and partner weren’t close, would that be a deal breaker for you?