I just dont know what to do anymore
I never post here so idk what to say but ummmm
Basically I feel lost in life and like i cant even be me and that I might get addicted to drugs im actually really worry drugs will ruin my life but all that the same time I feel like im in the best point of my life
And for context I 17 now I been in and out of juvenile corrections most of what I can remember I cant really remember much of when I was younger and I was on probation at 12 and started smoking at 11 also tried alcohol at that time and hated it and still do and I stared smoking weed at 12 but not often and from 12 to 13 I did 6 mouths and 20 day (I think) and when I was there I was always caught with shanks there so they would randomly take me to get strip searched which was really embarrassing to me bc I was 12 or 13 then I got out and then violation probation in least then a year and did 11 mouth and 10 days (I think) and I got worse there but they didnt realize bc i was way more sneaky I was smoking and still had shanks here to and i ran when I was there to and the state police got me and this other guy from there and I also forgot to mention this till now i also have a problem with sh and when I was caught I was so overwhelmed I used to handcuffs and my nails or anything to rip me wrists open so I could umm umm I guess not think to not feel something i really still dont know why I sh I also started that at like 12 I think and was sent to a mental hospital for a week or 2 and for a while I refused to do the strip search bc i was so embarrassing to be naked in front of a stranger so I was in a room with a bed on the floor with white walls and a light that would turn off so I banged on the door after I couldn't take it anymore and when they opened it I ran out but eventually I did the search (ok sorry im ranting Im very high im pathetic)
anyways so after I got out of where I was from 13 to 14 I was out then falling back to back drug test over and over and over I was sent away again and bounced around place to place for awhile (the best I can remember for the order is detention and diagnostic center about 60 days before I was in specialized household for im unsure how long I had a bed a suicide smok and blanket and a mat on the floor and they would let me shower for weeks at a time and barely got to brush my teeth and had my toilet in my room and had to ask for toilet paper and the room had a extra large window and a food slot and they only let me out on Christmas and let me shower before and get real clothes instead of the weird green dress thing that the smok was ok,, next place I went was detention center 2 stayed there aways got sent to a place a few hours for where I lived actually the closest play to where I live but they kick me out in a week for sh,, then I went back to detention center 2 for away I liked it there actually they treated me well but then, I when to a place in Arkansas I was flown on a plane there but I got kicked out bc they couldn't get me to take the meds I would abuse them to and one time I think i od'ed on sequel i forgot how to swallow and could walk with out falling and my heart would be supper supper fast if I moved at all so I had to stay super still and i couldn't stay awake and I stumbled out my room and the staff asked if I was ok and I just kept saying I need water and walking to the water fountain and i had long hair and it got all in it and I couldn't even drink the water and I had wet hair then next I I woke up and layed on the floor out side my room so they could walk it and i didnt go to and i some how go to school and remember say I was sick and pasting out and every one told me I was doing it after amd then I dont remember the next day at all and nobody even said anything or asked me anything,, but then I went back to detention center 2 for a while,, then I when to a different place and try to get kicked out to go back to the detention center but it didnt work and at this place I could do anything I had to ask to use the bathroom I count even stand up in my room you cant talk without permission and drawing or writing is not allowed and when you was in your room you had to sit at you desk they was they was and must actively being doing something but they give you nothing so it turns in to read your hand book and hope they dont see you look there way when they walk by
but I got out now and it been almost a year and im on probation till im 18 I did from about 12 to 16 in and out of courts and locked up for being a peice of shit im 17 now and I feel empty my dad just died about a month ago and I only cry for about a day and now dont even feel about it I feel empty and lost like I will never be anything and that I missed my entire childhood and I want to go back I need to go back and im covered in scars and hate myself for it but also kind look at them like art and i feel comforted by them sometimes i really worried I will become a drug addict or they will ruining my life i cant stop smoking or doing any drug I get my hands on I fucking high rn and if my po piss test me I actually will get locked up again and probably kms tbh and I feel umm like I kinda wish I umm was a girl I feel like im not me and I cant even express myself if not a girl I wish i could just be me and not the me I have made over years and years of acting how every my environment want and it makes me feel I dont even know who i am to even express myself in the first place i feel wrong and have no one to talk to I live with just my brother
But at the same time I feel like there is no problem and im fine and in the best time of my life so far and yet if some toaches me unexpectedly I cry or want to fight then will cry in the bathroom for no reason and get flash backs to my time locked up but it doesn't feel like it was even me there and that I should even care that nothing happened to me and it makes not sense and I shouldn't just be happy but im just feel empty idk I lost whatever I want to say and just stared ranting on and on