u/Immediate_Cucumber74

I have this crazy shit going on in my head everyday, my CPTSD and drug abuse made me permanently locked on medications, my teeth gonna be done by 25yo cus i can't afford dental care with all that coverage I have which is typically 40% and I can't just keep living a life with CPtSD, ADHD BPD and schizofrenic like disorder where meds not helping what wlever i do. I take them since im 19, I feel like im in a circus where I know whats going on but I can't stop it from ending it. I just have to watch the show where is unknown but certain end . I cant be social since im very talkative, my persoanlity is a weird fcked thing that nobody can comprehend due its unpredictable everyday nature. I was raped when I was 6-7yo for 1.5 years every week by a 14yo guy who was using me as a condom, I was not treated in my country of origin till 18yo (i flew and saved myself from imminent harm from people that I called friends, and overall LGBT situation and war that just started going in Russia. i was forcefully held in enlistment office against my will with no phone, no passport for more than 2 days till my uncle got me out and I in 3 days I quickly took everything and did flew away to canada Where I faced with drug abuse and permanent schizophrenia caused by drugs, by people and the way they treat me as thing not a peeson. Im not able to understand, maintain a normal mind, voices in a head, for real, for everything , judgmental life that im forced to live in a hell of self doubt, possible gaslight and overall people around me that knows im dealing with fish, but shooter to talk shit behind my back, gossip and paranoia that not only not stopping, but voices that shutting up in the day never stopped in a night time. Whenever its silence i know when its real voices and I can tell when its not when im ok and not in almost usuly depressed mood. I cant keep relationships, i have no idea how to be a hjman being and even the way I talk, behave and etc I have no idea how to be like majority of people, I tried my best. Therapy, medications for 3 years i take not working. Nothing seemed giving me my life i deserve to have but peoplenarround would rather say fun stuff and shame for what i am and how I talk, think , look and etc. Basicaly I can't understand what a circus in front of me going on. Its a hell, therapy not working, nothing works. Even now after a short talk to a person who he is a step father to my bf chooses to Crack a joke about how fcked mentaly I am an laugh on it with some random guy while im writing it. Its not becuase I dramatic, its a constant torture named a life. I do consider MAiD as a last option. I've been having a surgery undergeneral anesthesia and I know how its quick and non noticeable I won't even realize, it will end. No more pain and suffering that I go through will go more. Everyone will maybe remeber me but im dead, I dont care .

If somebody happen to be a witness of this Procedure in canada, How long will it take to approve, How fast it comes and is there possibility to do it fully private with no notice to loved ones and people arround me exept me and my doctor.

At dental clinic in surrey area I got a treatment. Originally after my XRay's and check up since I have Disability assistance im also having insurance that covers only 40% of cost and extractions it covers 100%. After teeth Exam I could only do extraction cus i didn't have money for a root canal treatment. I came there and and in process of talk with my dentist he decided instead of extracting the tooth, but give me instead root canal treatment and This such a kind person saved my tooth and didn't charge me money for it, i was shocked and and wasn't able to say anything after he did all the things and he even treated a small cavity next to my root canal treated tooth. This person saved my tooth and later he said that he was feeling very bad about extractions cus he didn't wanna make me loose my tooth in my 22 year old. He just decided to save me from loosing my tooth and didn't charge for it. I cant be as much be thankful as I can. Thank you really, I hope your life bringing good vibes and happiness. Thank you.

So, Im 22 year old and he is 32. We know each for 4 years or i can say 3.9years. I was addicted and still addicted to drugs, I told him one time and now keeping in a secret for almost 2 years that im still doing drugs(meth only). Im not drinking, smoking canabis and just trying to break up with nicotine. I stopped smoking cigarettes. Our first 8 months of relationship was good and bad since I told him in those days on 6th-8th month of our relationship that im taking drugs(only meth). It was a hell since we tried to work on it and it was always positive and its because of me of course, I wasn't able to stop and still can't, but i drastically reduced amount of meth i take which is good but of course bad that im still lying about it, it does makes me a bad person overall.

Why im here is that I can't understand him even in the beginning of a relationship he was the one who pays for everything, give gifts and etc, he always look like a caring, lovely perfect person and he almost never accepted my gifts by saying that he is picky on it and etc. I tried to treat him, he refused it many times. He always pays for the Restaurant (not expensive, just ofinary(just saying) like Kinton Ramen, he always supporting mentally, even with money whenever im in a trouble and I have to ask for a 5-10$ nothing more than that(usually when I need to travel by public transport(yeah cus i have a big bills to pay and now im relying on food banks and almost fully be dependent in this stupid money thing). He always supportive, being kind, treating and writing me first and all other things like that. Just imagine a 100% perfect, lovable person that is always there.

I have ADHD, BPD , CPTSD and Schizofrenic disorder induced by drugs(my doctors are aware of that and they know everything). Even before drugs, i was trying to treat people back and was always being the one who have to accept it and never treat back. After drugs the same story. Im mentally completely different since my super mega excruciating life of being raped, used like a co dom sexually when i was 6 for 1.5 years, bullied in a school and beaten for any mistake I done. I never even had a laptop or had a more than 8 hours to be with one of my friends at summer time and almost never being allowed to go outside to ve with friends cus we lived in remote area 41km away from city and my father was driving me there 41km to city and then back. He was giving me belts from age of 3 for bad behavior and for all the bad marks and bad behavior in school. He was always controlling everything, homework was like a torture where belt always lays on a back of chair in front of me and if I do mistake, simply cant understand there would be a problem. He stops only when monther is home and she was always coming back at 6-8pm which is late cus my father a rich person with good passive income so he isn't working at all. For the majority of my life I was going to my grandmother's house to do homework cus I was scared to be at home and do that there. All this pain made me to fly away from this obsessive protetctive control no matter what, and I came to canada at age of 18(im russian). I was already speaking in english fluently without any problems long time before I turned 18 and flew away. I learned english by myself.

I have this Typical CPTSD personality, where person is being sincere, kind to others, truly being nice to people and never talks bad or talk about people behind their back. Now Im still like that, but I do lie a lot when im scared that I will be hurted, abandoned or anything like that. This side of me almost non existent now but still disturbing cus im scared to tell him that I still do meth. But overall im being very caring, no faking when I help people , not faking my emotions and etc. Im always being sincere in my emotions, treats or helping people. But people overall just never take any treat from me at all. They are the ones who gives everything.

Now the main story: My bf being perfect and etc, somehow got caught by the red hand of saying very rudely and acceptable thing. The thing was about photography, i showed him some pics I did and then he goes from room to his parents outside and openly saying : " - I dont give a shit about his photography, I dont fucking care" and then he sees me and reacts like a kid who got caught with face expression of awkward funy thing with lips in a shape of circle with a bit of smile. Before he always told me that im being paranoid or that he never said that... Typical gaslight technique. It feels like he is saying bad stuff all the time even now. I have A Hyperawereness intelegence thats Super mega highly sensitive and accurate on people face expression, micro mimics and etc. I can read and tell easily if he is fake or not. its impossible to fake arround me, im not just telling if you are being fake, cus its rude and bad overall. Im all the time seeing this feeling of fakeness, like he just talk shit about me and just making look himself as a perfect innocent person. YES im lying about drug use, but i never talk bad or mentioning someone behind their back and I always ask to not talk with me about someone behind his or her back badly or in whatever manner it was intended for. I always protect my bf if smbd saying smth when he isn't present. But I feel like he just playing with me like a toy or barbie toy that one day will be not interesting and thrown away. I simply feel it everyday, the way his voice tone that changes person to person including his friends(his voice full prejudgement, disguise and excessive masculinity when he talks with friends, it feels like he just hate someone when he talks with friends he is the one who asks me to not be in his room when he plays with friends when we were living together. It feels like he just experimenting on me. He always trying to sort of check me on smth, whever I have smth bad in my life he always being that one who cares and feel your pain regardless of what happened in a past between us. He just a perfect person as he stand for. I cant really do anything, im with that feeling already 3.5 years and I feel like everything in our relationship is fake. He is faking around me, he talks shit about me and etc... I even lied about recording that i somehow recorded a bad stuff like he is joking badly about me, having overall fun with sitting about me and he litterly didn't deny that even tho I clearly lied about recording...

What you guys can see and what to say. I understand im not a golden, but still my Hyperawereness screaming about him that he isn't a person who he is presenting in front of you. Just a fake that sucks your emotions, feeds on negative stuff to talk about after out time together. Feel like he just there to colect as much stuff as he can to shit later about me when im not arround, feels litterly like that. What to do........??????

There is BC ID, then in between of that pocket space there is timhortons gift card small thing where on yellow paper written my friends contact. There also rbc and bmo cards.

This game having one the most instances about players turning back on it cus they can't tolerate a terrible, unfair matchmaking.

I wanna suggest one thing. Report function has to be revamped and punishments as well. For those who constantly go afk or refusing to contribute with team have to have from 4-24 hours ban of playing classic or Ranked. So let them play with bots cus there is now a very hard AI function that they play like pros.

Litterly just 4-24 hours for afk if that happened, and consecutive afk players will have full 24hour ban In rank .

refusing to contribute to team will lead to 1-4hours ban playing classic or ranked. And for the classic same bans but 2 times less.

This game having one the most instances about players turning back on it cus they can't tolerate a terrible, unfair matchmaking.

I wanna suggest one thing. Report function has to be revamped and punishments as well. For those who constantly go afk or refusing to contribute with team have to have from 4-24 hours ban of playing classic or Ranked. So let them play with bots cus there is now a very hard AI function that they play like pros.

Litterly just 4-24 hours for afk if that happened, and consecutive afk players will have full 24hour ban In rank .

refusing to contribute to team will lead to 1-4hours ban playing classic or ranked. And for the classic same bans but 2 times less.

Long time ago, people had no idea what schizofrenia is and how its actually work. One crazy god like similar to other schizofrenics thinks that he is son of God, 2nd symptom is believe into something that never being seen by anyone and superficial. 3. He decided to write a book of his schizo journey and making people believe into smth that only he can hear, feel and see.