u/JellyfishSad4829

Remove me

Banish me

Tarnish me entirely

Forsaken

My soul is yours

We can't unlock these stubborn doors

You captured me

Locked behind these bars

No longer image in your memoirs

Still revealing all my scars

I live for you, you die for me

But what is destiny

It cannot be

We push and pull through night and day

Words are left here on display

Hot and cold as we grow old

Incongruent words we're told

Hearts detached yet intertwined

So aligned yet still confined

Hope for reconciliation

Lack in all consideration

I adore your heart and soul

The game we play without a goal

Your poetry, it sucks

The tone, the lyrical embodiment of the construct in which you write is juvenile and comes across as attempting.

Like brown-nosing shit fermenting
Yeah I'm jaded and foul towards your entity

but you'll never be able to hide your identity
I see through you like a dog running into the backyard glass door

I get knocked down but I never hit the floor
You've taught me so much but you are not a mentor

Nice try my friend, or should I say my neighbor?

BY: Yours Truly

Tomorrow I'm going to be discussing with a journalist about some serious issues and concerns I have. Really looking forward to the conversation as they are interested in what I have to say and the information I've gathered over the months. Not scared but people have warned me not to. I'm not the type to listen though. I like to learn my lessons the hard way. The honest way. Transparency is key and I'm not going to get fucked anymore.

As we became one, together our bodies were combined. He was slowly plugging into my soul, and I gasped as he became a part of me. The sensation of his entrance was blissful and consumed my physically being.

He took control in a respectful way and a mutual understanding was unspoken as we communicated almost telepathically. The shared joy and expression of love through our bodies colliding was euphoric. As we rhythmically built the intensity and passionate pleasure as it consistently and deeply grew.

I grasped onto him and gripped him with full trust and strength, holding onto him as he provided me with hunger and desire through intertwined reception and reassurance of affirming, shared, compassion. As the pulsating connection grew and intensified, the beat of my heart became aligned with his. Synchronized as our breathing became one breath.

With every thrust, every reconnection and within a consistency of increased attention and care to detail; increased the weight of the inevitable release. Swollen arousal was prominently and acceptably accompanied by audible explosive, climactic orgasms.

I was completely overcome with blind fulfillment and relief. An unreserved and unrestrained sound escaping me, a feeling that not only was experienced and delivered to him through me, but released upon him.

My last few relationships and even dates have been pretty awful. I’ve been used, cheated on, gaslit and manipulated more times than I can count. So I decided instead of getting fucked, it was my time to fuck. Call it a “slut phase” or speed dating whatever, I was bound and determined to unapologetically get what I wanted and immediately discard.

Separate from the people I was dating, there was an exception to the mix. ‘O’ and they were a constant, consistent friend that would be in and out of my life without missing a beat. But we had an unspoken agreement, a mutual, respectful relationship that seemed to stand the test of time.

Anyway, it was night two of speed dating and to add to the layers of drama, he was my ex-husband’s best man, ‘M’. Both of us divorced, mind you, but they were still friends. We had been to each other’s wedding. Either way, somehow M and I arranged to meet at my place that evening. When preparing for the meeting, I was humbly without expectation but reserved when assuming intentions. Truthfully, at the end of the day, I was looking for a monogamous relationship. Someone to start a family with and settle down (something I know now to be almost impossible when in my age bracket). If this had been my true intention that evening though, I probably wouldn’t have chosen to wear a backless body-suit with no bra, paired with lulu lemon leggings…but it would most definitely be a test to determine what M’s intentions were for the evening.

M arrived enthusiastically and very quickly I was convinced he was not looking for a relationship or anything serious. He had assumed the meeting had been for sexual purposes, and that upset me because to me it was devaluing my sense of self and disrespecting my autonomy. As soon as I became aware of his intent, a switch flipped in me. Game on. From that moment onwards, I was represented and embodied temptation, I would beguile and put M into a sensual trance, inducing him into my sultry hypnotic state. I could sense his arousal and hunger for lust over me as his hands were travelling over my body. But of course, I wouldn’t allow anything further for awhile. As a tortured his desire, I decided to permit him to pleasure me and he provided me with a few orgasmic moments but nothing extraordinary. I was ultimately unsatisfied, but instead of expressing that, I chose to feign exhaustion, communicating that: “I was tired”. M, disappointed and obviously frustrated, had no choice but to fall asleep beside me. Honestly though I was frustrated as well at the lack of satisfaction in conclusion to the whole experience.

Against better judgement, I decided to contact O at that time. I needed him, his presence, his touch. He came as I called. I informed him about M being asleep in the other room. The apartment is small so he was able to hear the sounds of M snoring in the short distance between us. It didn’t take long before our eyes met and our fire ignited. He was more mischievous than I even. He reached his hand up my skirt and began to insert his fingers into me passionately, hard and fast, in and out. He wanted me to scream, he knew I wasn’t able to control my volume with him. An involuntary moan and scream escaping me, he placed his hand over my mouth as he bent me over and thrusted himself directly into me as deep as he could. After a little while of intimate pressing of our bodies entangled throughout the room, he came inside me and collapsed with me, never removing himself. It was bliss. M continued to snore, we’d never know if he had been listening.

Morning came, O stayed over in the other room and entered the room M was in to shower in the morning. I provided some reasonably believable excuse as to why O had been there. M seemed to understand, I mean, what could he say? We weren’t dating and there was clearly only the expectation of sex anyway right? So I asked M to stay a bit longer, until O left, I (kind of) felt bad. I said to M: “I’ll make it up to you”. O left after his shower.

As soon as O was gone I got undressed. I pushed M down onto the bed and teased him a little, never fully allowing him to have me. Then I positioned myself on his face, sitting down and rubbing myself over his mouth and lips. M provided his tongue as deep as it would allow him to explore inside me. All of O’s projection dripping out of me slowly and then finally oozing onto M’s entire face as I came. It was so satisfying. And when I was done M commented: “Wow, you were so wet!” I replied: “All for you”.

His essence compels me. The way he moves is magnetic. Some people might look only at his flaws, the way he lives his life, but the inner beauty is there, blooming inside his hard shelled exterior. His eyes tell his shielded tale and the laugh lines that are beginning to linger make my heart flutter. But the most alluring part of him, are his hip bones. His hips are cut perfectly and chiseled in adjacency of his lower abdomen and leading down. Damn. I’m almost drooling thinking about him now. That I get to grab him tightly around those hips and pull him into me, is a privilege that I show gratefulness for. I’m eager to please him, to some it could seem desperate but he sees the consistency and comes back to it without missing a beat. He isn’t mine completely but his heart and mine beat at the same time.

In the early morning, you answer when I call
Your touch is waiting every time I fall
You hide the hunger burning in your eyes
While tension lingers heavy between our sighs
Your essence tracing slowly down my skin
A wicked paradise I’m drowning in
You leave me trembling, breathless afterward
My body aching softly from every word
My pupils dilate like darkened apertures
Captivated by a love that still endures
A passion never meant for time or place
Yet still, I crave the memory of your taste

Finally, finally I can breathe.

I thought I was free until I was released and now I know what it feels like to live again, to live without the burden of your tether, to exist without the presence of your essence. And to be without you is something I never thought I could do. But because of you and because of your persistence, you showed me that I was correct in my true intentions.

I want to take this time to thank you, because in retrospect, I can see now, and through clear vision, I understand why you did what you did and why you do what you do. I know you, maybe more than you understand. I feel you, but I can't allow that to happen anymore. I now know how to turn that off, and I must.

The pull isn't lingering anymore. And you provided me with the answers that I was looking for, which to me are the most important thing you could have given me. And although you not once actually gave me a gift of appreciation during our relationship, the gift that you gave me of knowing and of awareness is the most profound and appreciated gift that you could have ever given.

So without realizing it, you provided me with the strength, the courage, the bravery, the grace, the sovereignty that I needed to carry on.

So thank you.
I appreciate you.
And in my heart,
I will always love you.
I want you to be well,
but I never want to see your face again.

Remember that time you told me that you loved me. lol that was funny. Thanks for enjoying me though. At least you enjoyed me. I loved you, but guess what? I didn’t enjoy you!

A weary battle between light and shadow,
An endless pull where both winds blow,
Through quiet strength and violent upheaval,
The soul is torn by good and evil.

A fragile line we try to hold,
Between what’s warm and what runs cold,
Each step a choice, each breath a sequel,
To truths we bend or try to equal.

No victor crowned, no final relief,
Just fleeting calm and lasting grief,
For in this war beneath the veil,
Both sides persist, both rise, both fail.

Compassion moves through darkness, to light
A quiet kind of freedom beneath the moon at night

The ocean teaches calm and in the tide we trust,
Grateful for the burning fire turning ashes into dust

There is growth behind every lock and hidden key
Behind every closed door, the sealed vault in me

Life is like a game without knowing how to play
To build it up from nothing each and every day

Yet sometimes forced, lines we didn’t choose,
Like a fourth wall trembling that we’re afraid to lose

The audience, the viewer, the blinking camera’s wink
A sudden break in narrative that really makes you think

This is storytelling, full of theatrics and flame
A stage of shifting lights, where nothing stays the same

Silence between each act and scene,
Assigns the roles of characters we’ve been

To produce a moment that captures what’s inside
Where truth and illusion can no longer divide

So we step through the door, past the fear that binds
As we let the whole story unfold in our minds

We three shall meet again
in thunder, lightning, or in rain
We are not sane

When hurly-burly suits its need
when the battle is done
and they can feed

That is when the sun shall set
it was said before we met

But fair is foul and foul is fair
we just can’t seem to clear the air

So double up
Tip me over and fill my cup
as I light the flame to ignite the trouble
letting the fire burn and the cauldron bubble.

Poem: by me

Entitled: 2003

Please pick me! So many options to see.
Levels unfolding one after another,
don’t lose your lives and try to recover.
Choose to grab me, dusty, underneath the others,
don’t miss a step or you’ll start again,
repeating the cycle now and then.

Take me, bring me towards your lips to blow me off,
turn me on
you’re drawn
to my luminosity, like a moth in the dark of night,
eyes glued to the sight.
Trial and error, a delicate dance,
every failure is another chance.

Breathe into me with hot whispers of air,
back and forth you blow, no time to spare.
Timing is tight, there’s no room for error,
every movement measured, nothing to spare.
Every action calculated, not left astray,
every move must find its way.

Insert me, all the way,
listen to the instructions and what they say.
Eyes locked in, hands in sync,
no time right now to stop and think.

Watch me, predictable and fun to play, even when you’re having a rough day.
Stay engaged, don’t lose direction,
each attempt brings new connection.

Press my buttons and force me down,
the frustration is like an abstract noun.
Patterns learned and patterns known,
what felt foreign now feels grown.

Progression comes with practice and patience,
advancing in sequence and succession.
Push ahead, don’t lose the thread,
follow through on what’s been said.

Consistency sharpens intention,
detail grows with close attention.
From low to high, from slow to fast,
every second counts, no time to delay.
Moments fleeting, never last.

But in the rhythm, you will see,
a perfect run is meant to be.

No more tries, the screen turns dim
no restart button left within.
The final state, no more to explore,
and in the silence, it’s game over.

What do I want to get out of this? I want you to remove your ego, get off your high horse and take accountability for the abuse, coercion, manipulation, confusion, heartache, trauma, physical pain, bruises, emotional distress and cognitive disturbance that you caused me since we met.

Try to remember the bad times, they say not to focus on the memories that I’ve held onto that make me smile. Honestly, there are far and few of those but I was somehow able to blind myself from all of the negative interactions we had.

I can’t believe you do not understand why I have to do this.

You clearly have no comprehension and have never had any empathy to be able to put yourself in my shoes. Maybe, you have though and maybe you wouldn’t have been as damaged as I. Maybe you’re stronger and maybe you’ve got it all figured out. Sans planning, just comes naturally! Myself, I take it as it comes. I won’t be satisfied with any conclusion other than having you face the consequences of your actions and intentional decisions concerning how you disrespected me wholly. You cannot claim to have not lied. Lying isn’t just a perspective or a subjective/person opinion on factual information.

You cheated on me multiple times without admitting it after I found out. Without apologizing. Without caring how you treated me. You laughed at me and ridiculed me with your other women. I saw all of the emails and texts. Sometimes you would “admit” to something and later I would find out that your attempt of taking accountability was actually falsely claimed. Eventually, I was in such distress due to consistent gaslighting and control tactics, that I questioned reality at times. I tried so hard to love you back to life, to love the light into you but it’s hopeless. I see that now. You will never change who you are inside. I wanted monogamy with you so badly. I only wanted you from the get-go. You were seeing multiple women throughout the entire duration of our “relationship”.

I don’t even know if you considered me your girlfriend after all. Friends? Acquaintances? You baffle me. Then after all that, I give it another shot, for you because you spoke and dedicated your time towards creating a false narrative for whatever personality suited you at the time. I’m assuming that made it possible for you to live and sleep at night with the weight of the guilt and shame that would normally consume someone in detriment. I gave you another chance after you tried to end me!

I just wanted to be loved the way I loved you. Unconditionally and vulnerably. That would never be possible. Especially after you admitted you were only truly yourself when you are single. That you wouldn’t even tell me the truth or admit to seeing other women if I accepted it to be an open relationship because you didn’t want to. Then obviously what you WANT is to be shady as fuck and play around like an egotistical child with so much inner pain that he needs to project it onto others.

I know you’re not sorry but one day you will be. And whether you mean it or not. You with say those words out loud to me because I deserve better and I deserve to be loved. Honestly, where do you get off?

He didn’t understand. He couldn’t comprehend. His mind was deteriorating and spiralling in psychosis. Stories and words of grandeur embellished in exaggeration. Lies. Despite the negative context, his words were interpreted in their deceptive format. Even the truths were lies. He couldn’t shift his perception. He refused to look through another lens. Or maybe it was impossible for him. He was seemingly emotionless and unaware of the pain and suffering he had made her endure. From the very beginning of their physical encounter, he had broken his promises. His vows were undone and the boundaries were disregarded. Yet she continued to hope and pray for his love and loyalty to reveal itself. What she didn’t know was that he wasn’t like her. He was not built the same. His system was flawed and his intentions were malicious in nature. He loved the reaction, he enjoyed watching, observing her as he tortured her soul. Many months of heartache and grief over found, inconsistent, evidence of his disregard for her. She was only there for his entertainment. She may have been weak then but what he didn’t see was the seed that had been planted months before. She was no longer naive. He had taught her well and now it was her time to educate him.

- Fool 4u

With regret and shame, she hung her head below her shoulders.
How could she have been so blind?
So disillusioned yet completely aware of the truth. He was never going to change but she wanted to have hope so deeply that he would.
That she could love him enough for him to change. After months of bravery and strength, everything unraveled in an instant.
She loved him with every beat of her broken heart. She refused to be named and labeled as someone who had been weak but it was time to accept the reality.
To allow the pain to be justified. She had given her last ounce of hope with all vulnerability and courage.
He had shown her that patterns do not lie.
That her body was physically reacting out of fear.
She ignored the warnings because she loved him. Because he had convinced her that he loved her too. But it was all a game.
The winner takes it all.
She wasn’t the loser though.
She was the creator of the game and the rules had been written by her.
He wasn’t losing either, he was learning.
And that, that is what love is.

Yours Truly,

The Key