u/LivingGrapefruit6066

I get it, you’re young and excited about gay dating but a 25 year old is NOT an appropriate person to message under any circumstance. Please stick to youth your age

They can be disruptive and annoying, yet we’re expected to hold space for them in every environment? Sorry, I don’t care for spoiled grown brats, seen enough it in my childhood to give a danm

With the emphasis of sex in gay dating, I wonder if most gay relationships start off with hooking up. Or do gay men, like straight men, put partners in two categories: the guy to be in a relationship with and the one to hook up with.

I went through some pretty crazy stuff and sometimes reading about others traumatic stories helps me feel less alone. I always wonder how I survived half the sht that happened to me but perhaps human strength is universal considering the survival stories from the most hurt victims.

I kind of hate the emphasis of equating healing with strength when that simply isn’t the case. Many people go through horrific abuse and take their lives or never mentally recover. It almost implies that abuse builds character. Well as someone who was hated by my own family, sexually harassed by co workers, severely bullied by roommates, experienced racism and self isolated for years- all before the age of 23 - I’m not strong. I might not outwardly wear my scars but they are deeply hidden.

I’m only 23 and I’ve had a couple of instances of being on the receiving end of limerence by classmates, roommates and co workers alike. Too often i read about people experiencing limerence but I don’t think enough understand what it’s like to have someone completely obsessed over you. It is f*cking exhausting. I understand it’s a trauma response but it is extremely unfair to make someone feel responsible for your self esteem! Im not obligated to regulate you like a child just because you hate yourself. I’ve been there too with having low self esteem and fawning as a trauma response but I took accountability to heal so I’d be a fully functional adult. So I don’t care if my rejection to your pleas for validation by me causes a collapse or tantrum if I barely know you. Unfortunately too many instances has made me much colder and less sympathetic towards very dysregulated adults. It’s not that I don’t understand you, but rather I want to protect my peace from your chaos.

I grew up in a very controlling, narcissistic environment which made me a fawner who’d try to regulate emotionally unstable family members. This was also a similar dynamic with all my friendships which became one sided and lacked any substance. This fawning and lack of boundaries unfortunately made me a target for bullies and abusive people which forced me to become more assertive and less “nice.” However I fear I’ve gone too far on the other side of the spectrum and I lack softness or vulnerability to most people in my life because I fear being used again. How can I trust myself (and others) to let my guard down and learn to be more open? After years in survival mode, it’s hard for me to identify healthy people as I assume the worst in every little interaction (Im still healing).

When I was 21, I moved into a student accommodation for 2 years that had predominantly Indian people. My roommates included a few Indian men (and 1 woman) around the same age. However they were a nightmare to deal with. They would constantly bring people over and trash the kitchen, but get offended if asked them to clean up after themselves (others did it for them). And they would act so entitled and rude, disrespect my personal boundaries and scapegoat me if I brought up the issue. I didn’t have this problem with any other roommate except the Indian ones. I hate to generalise or stereotype because I’ve met lovely people from India as well, but I unfortunately had the worst roommate experience with them. I literally needed months of therapy to recover from their narcissistic abuse.

I’ve had so many toxic and abusive people in my life back to back. It was hell to get to a place of peace. But I look back at my days in survival mode and realise just how little support I had and how much I had to go through. My early 20s was ruined by a series of traumas rather than growth. Im in a better place but I genuinely don’t know how I survived.

I believe a large ego is a sign of powerlessness in yourself.

Why? People who grew up in environments where they were never genuinely respected or loved crave an excessive amount of admiration in adulthood to compensate for their neglect. But this creates an unstable sense of self that relies on people and external things to constantly validate it.

This also creates a victim mentality where literally anything can send them into a spiral when they’re not validated (which is honestly pathetic).

These are the men who get violent when they feel rejected by a woman. These are the white women who ask to see a manager when they can’t get their way. These are the minorities who hold bigoted views on other minorities to feel comfortable about their own oppression. These are the school bullies who take out their frustrations on to others kids because they get beaten at home. The list goes on.

So anytime you see a person who acts in rude, disrespectful ways just know it’s due to their own lack of self worth and they are trying to find a short term fix to it. Little are they aware of the more you rely on those short term fixes, the more unstable your self esteem becomes making you an incredibly miserable human being.

Planning to go to DLP at the end of August with a £100 (€117) budget. I want to get mostly quick service meals, snacks and souvenirs. Would this be enough money?

They don’t have to take any accountability or grow, just everyone around them must adjust to their behaviour. If I were a narcissist I’d be able to off load my emotions onto everyone around me without consequences, and it’s unfair. It’s like they get an easy pass in life.

Can’t study when I hear her getting it on at 10 am with her window wide open. She seems kinda unstable so Im not sure if confronting her directly is the best choice

I’ve been harassed, scapegoated and bullied in the past, and despite making great efforts to heal my wounds I can’t stop thinking about it. Their actions has made me assume the worst in others so cut things off prematurely in new relationships at the slightest red flag. I know it’s toxic but never having anyone to feel safe around (including family) makes trust hard.

Yea I get it, being cheated on sucks but how is exposing it on the internet a good thing? First off, it’s embarrassing to be known for having a shitty love life (this is his second ex). Secondly, what good guy would be attracted to someone screaming about his love life online? Like thats a man child and all his supporters are just enabling his delusions! Tbh people like him shouldn’t be surprised when they attract weird, predatory or serial cheaters because they make themselves easy prey, regardless of how empowered they think they look.

My accommodation is full of men (mostly from India) who are really aggressive and egotistical. For the past two years I’ve been harassed by them to the point my mental health suffered greatly. I try not to interact with them anymore, not even stay in the same kitchen space but they continue to trash the place and expect others to clean it up. I’ve reported them but nothing happens. I would expect grown men in their 20s to know better, but they act with such hostility you’d think they were teens. I’ve gotten to the point where I am looking to room with anyone not from India (sorry if this sounds racist) because I think it’s a cultural issue.

In 2024 I had moved into my student flat with 4 other men (ages 21-26). Two were of South Asian descent, one East Asian and one white. I am black. I was very, very insecure in myself at the beginning of the year; not only due to lacking social skills in general, but I come from a family with abusive people who made me stuck in the fawn trauma response. It was pretty evident too, which I guess could attract predatory people. One was the oldest roommate (South Asian, 26). He did lots of favours for the flat and naturally everyone liked him. But he had an odd fixation with me. He would go out his way to ensure that I was happy, almost like a fatherly figure or boyfriend. He put me on some weird pedestal despite my lack of…anything.

This had escalated to him standing very close to me in the kitchen and watching me intensely while I cooked. Sometimes asking where I was during the day. I wasn’t the most confident in setting boundaries (I didn’t even know what those were) but I didn’t question his erratic behaviour for months. The other South Asian guy also kind of used me to validate his ego by bragging and I’d make him feel better with compliments (I didn’t always mean them, but I was scared if I didn’t). But fortunately throughout that year I had begun to heal and become more confident in myself (one of my roommates helped me through my troubles and became a great friend). Thats when the codependent bond i had with that older roommate faded, which made him chase the connection more as I detached and stopped fawning.
He went kind of bonkers and would act passive aggressive and increase his attention seeking behaviour so he’d always be part of my daily life somehow. But I did start setting boundaries and holding him accountable near the end of the tenancy which made him furious and emotionally unstable as he lost control. I tried explaining it to him but he didn’t listen just deflected everything I said, then triangulated me with someone to prove his point.

It was mentally exhausting (and traumatic) but he moved out eventually. The whole experience felt like living with my abusive family, and as a 22 year old black man it felt horrible having autonomy so micromanaged by others. Like my boundaries didn’t matter. Im glad to have good self esteem now, but it wasn’t easy as my flatmates after them were similarly very emotionally unstable and hostile towards me.

In 2024 I had moved into my student flat with 4 other men (ages 21-26). Two were of South Asian descent, one East Asian and one white. I am black. I was very, very insecure in myself at the beginning of the year; not only due to lacking social skills in general, but I come from a family with abusive people who made me stuck in the fawn trauma response. It was pretty evident too, which I guess could attract predatory people. One was the oldest roommate (South Asian, 26). He did lots of favours for the flat and naturally everyone liked him. But he had an odd fixation with me. He would go out his way to ensure that I was happy, almost like a fatherly figure or boyfriend. He put me on some weird pedestal despite my lack of…anything. This had escalated to him standing very close to me in the kitchen and watching me intensely while I cooked. I wasn’t the most confident in setting boundaries (I didn’t even know what those were) but I didn’t question his erratic behaviour for months. But fortunately throughout that year I had begun to heal and become more confident in myself. Thats when the codependent bond i had with that roommate faded, which made him chase the connection more as I detached. He went kind of bonkers and would act passive aggressive and increase his attention seeking behaviour so he’d always be part of my daily life somehow. But I did start setting boundaries and holding him accountable near the end of the tenancy which made him furious and emotionally unstable, like he was another person. I tried explaining it to him but he didn’t listen just deflected everything I said, then triangulated me with someone to prove his point. It was mentally exhausting (and scary) but he moved out eventually. Looking back, I don’t think he ever really liked me as a friend but rather my attention because he felt m controlling. The whole experience is pretty weird for men as I thought this was more common in female friendship dynamics, but hey weird, narcissistic behaviour exists everyone.