Is this "normal" for UV resin? I usually use epoxy. UV is much easier in many ways but I can see it tends to cure uneven . I am reading online that this is common.
How do people get even finishes on jewellery then? Thanks
My CBCT scans show normal airways.
But I swear that DURING the very scan already, I was fighting for my life.
It feels like something "glues" in the back, I don't know if it's the palate or what, and I can't breathe.My throat is always tense because if I relax it, I can't breathe and I start making a noise when I breathe (like air passing through a smaller passage).
I can't understand what it is and it drives me mental that doctors are like "oh but look your airways are just fine!" While I was choking during the very scan (during CBCT scan you need to be upright and bite something)
I am a slim person but I have that annoying fat behind the hips. I always hated it and I wish I had straight hips.
I am not on T.
How long am I supposed to be in calorie deficit before that goes, more or less?
Also, what is meant by calorie deficit - is being a little bit below enough? Does being significantly below speed up the process? Thanks
I'm sorry this is long but this is an experience of how alone autism can be. While it is great that there is more awareness, this kind of suffering also needs a place cause this is what some of us go through...
So at the peak of my burnout, I went to an alternative community for a few weeks. Very cool place if you are allistic. But the experience was disastrous for me.
I was in this group of other volunteers but I was so exhausted and my brain capacity so limited that instead of activities , all I experienced in those weeks was one continuous shutdown. I am not exaggerating. I went there in the hope of "healing", I ended up completely and utterly heartbroken.
The constant overwhelm was so painful. I don't have a single good memory from the place. I would constantly lose my ability to speak because everything was too much (too many people, activities etc). Half my memories are me like eating in a corner away from everyone. The other half feeling out of place in the group.
I couldn't follow anything. During burnout, It was like I was stuck in a (mental) place far far away from the world. Everything happened too far away from me to grasp it. I have vision problems that were undiagnosed at the time (for the experts, still unclear whether it's BVD or CVI or both).
But so basically I struggled to process what I saw, and also just what was happening. I looked really stupid the whole time honestly. I couldn't figure basic things out. Burnout seriously compromised my brain functions for a long time. I was so embarrassed of myself.
It's hard to describe the sense of panic of realising your brain just isn't working properly. Being the only one who can't do it. Watching others taking for granted what you can't even dream of.
On top of that, I was so acutely aware of how everyone noticed it, and how I was perceived....I felt like "the special case", you know? It didn't even feel real how much I was struggling. I was like "this can't be me". I just felt stuck in a nightmare.
Just thinking about it makes me shrink and just want to die. I don't have any single good memory from the whole thing. I looked insane from the outside. I was late to everything because my brain wasn't working. All those weeks I watched everyone else bond with each other while I was stuck in my brain. I was fighting for survival while everyone else was having fun. I was exhausted by a fraction of what they did, constantly wondering how they could do it. I felt so excluded even though the group was super inclusive.
I remember one night, there were 2 cool things going on: improv dance on one side, and a night at the bar on the other. Everyone was at either. I tried to join improv dance and realized with dismay that my brain or vision couldn't fucking figure it out. Partner after partner after partner tried to dance with me and immediately bowed out due to me being out of sync. Bear in mind everyone else was doing it, in some way.
It was so so so humiliating and I left as discreetly as I could. I realised then that I could not do the bar either. Too much noise, too much conversation, auditory processing issues, etc etc. So I ended up alone, while everyone else was having fun. Unable to join anything. I ended up walking in a field looking at the stars, with the echoes of the distant music in the background. I actually ended up crying and writing a suicide note on my phone.
The whole program, I was constantly having meltdowns in my tent, in the toilet, uncontrollably sobbing in absolute mental pain, doing my best to hide it while the world went on without me. Feeling totally insane. Eventually I had the biggest meltdown of my life. I went to an empty place and loudly sobbed my soul out, for like an hour something (or two? Three? Not sure. Time broke. It was big). After that I decided to just leave the program early. My heart was as broken as it can be. Like someone had shattered it so thoroughly that there was nothing left to break.
Before leaving, I had a conversation with one of the leaders of the program. I told him I was autistic etc. but it was a pretty pointless convo, with him saying platitudes like "we are all a little bit autistic". After that he said "okay bye, you know how to get back, right?" I said yes out of shame. I ended up wondering empty dirt roads, totally lost, in scorching sun, for like an hour. Ended up finding a kid who saved me by telling me the road.
That was the end of it. I packed up, said some extremely awkward goodbyes, I don't remember the journey back home.
This is what autism can be. And I still can't believe this is my brain. The sense of terror I experienced during experiences like this is inside me - can I ever trust my brain? How do I know, entering something, that it won't fail me like this again? How do I live with this pain?
So yeah. Thank you very much for reading, it means so much.
I'm sorry this is long but this is an experience of how alone autism can be. While it is great that there is more awareness, this kind of suffering also needs a place cause this is what some of us go through...
So at the peak of my burnout, I went to an alternative community for a few weeks. Very cool place if you are allistic. But the experience was disastrous for me.
I was in this group of other volunteers but I was so exhausted and my brain capacity so limited that instead of activities , all I experienced in those weeks was one continuous shutdown. I am not exaggerating. I went there in the hope of "healing", I ended up completely and utterly heartbroken.
The constant overwhelm was so painful. I don't have a single good memory from the place. I would constantly lose my ability to speak because everything was too much (too many people, activities etc). Half my memories are me like eating in a corner away from everyone. The other half feeling out of place in the group.
I couldn't follow anything. During burnout, It was like I was stuck in a (mental) place far far away from the world. Everything happened too far away from me to grasp it. I have vision problems that were undiagnosed at the time (for the experts, still unclear whether it's BVD or CVI or both).
But so basically I struggled to process what I saw, and also just what was happening. I looked really stupid the whole time honestly. I couldn't figure basic things out. Burnout seriously compromised my brain functions for a long time. I was so embarrassed of myself.
It's hard to describe the sense of panic of realising your brain just isn't working properly. Being the only one who can't do it. Watching others taking for granted what you can't even dream of.
On top of that, I was so acutely aware of how everyone noticed it, and how I was perceived....I felt like "the special case", you know? It didn't even feel real how much I was struggling. I was like "this can't be me". I just felt stuck in a nightmare.
Just thinking about it makes me shrink and just want to die. I don't have any single good memory from the whole thing. I looked insane from the outside. I was late to everything because my brain wasn't working. All those weeks I watched everyone else bond with each other while I was stuck in my brain. I was fighting for survival while everyone else was having fun. I was exhausted by a fraction of what they did, constantly wondering how they could do it. I felt so excluded even though the group was super inclusive.
I remember one night, there were 2 cool things going on: improv dance on one side, and a night at the bar on the other. Everyone was at either. I tried to join improv dance and realized with dismay that my brain or vision couldn't fucking figure it out. Partner after partner after partner tried to dance with me and immediately bowed out due to me being out of sync. Bear in mind everyone else was doing it, in some way.
It was so so so humiliating and I left as discreetly as I could. I realised then that I could not do the bar either. Too much noise, too much conversation, auditory processing issues, etc etc. So I ended up alone, while everyone else was having fun. Unable to join anything. I ended up walking in a field looking at the stars, with the echoes of the distant music in the background. I actually ended up crying and writing a suicide note on my phone.
The whole program, I was constantly having meltdowns in my tent, in the toilet, uncontrollably sobbing in absolute mental pain, doing my best to hide it while the world went on without me. Feeling totally insane. Eventually I had the biggest meltdown of my life. I went to an empty place and loudly sobbed my soul out, for like an hour something (or two? Three? Not sure. Time broke. It was big). After that I decided to just leave the program early. My heart was as broken as it can be. Like someone had shattered it so thoroughly that there was nothing left to break.
Before leaving, I had a conversation with one of the leaders of the program. I told him I was autistic etc. but it was a pretty pointless convo, with him saying platitudes like "we are all a little bit autistic". After that he said "okay bye, you know how to get back, right?" I said yes out of shame. I ended up wondering empty dirt roads, totally lost, in scorching sun, for like an hour. Ended up finding a kid who saved me by telling me the road.
That was the end of it. I packed up, said some extremely awkward goodbyes, I don't remember the journey back home.
This is what autism can be. And I still can't believe this is my brain. The sense of terror I experienced during experiences like this is inside me - can I ever trust my brain? How do I know, entering something, that it won't fail me like this again? How do I live with this pain?
So yeah. Thank you very much for reading, it means so much.
I am new to jewellery making , the saw blade keeps slipping out of the jaw (from the bottom part) , no matter how much I tighten etc
Any idea why?
From Narcolepsy UK: "The most common symptom of narcolepsy is excessive daytime sleepiness (EDS), brought about by an irresistible need to sleep at inappropriate times throughout the day. "
I am trying to see if I could have narcolepsy, could you please help me understand this symptom?
Does the need to sleep have to be "irresistible" in order to count? What if you can resist it but it sort of feels like torturing yourself? Or what if your brain has just learnt to seriously zone out instead?
To be so tired that I can't process what's going on properly, is a common occurrence for me. I drift off into the limbo state anywhere - like I'll be at the dentist with my mouth open, or just today while *standing* in queue at the cashier...but I do that willingly. Or I unwillingly dissociate.
But to be falling asleep against my will? never.
PLEASE NOTE: I AM NOT ASKING FOR DIAGNOSIS I AM JUST ASKING TO HELP ME UNDERSTAND WHAT IS GENERALLY MEANT BY THIS SYMPTOM, AND PEOPLE 'S EXPERIENCE. THANKS
I have sleep disorders and delayed sleep phase, but I want to have a more normal sleep schedule, so this morning I forced myself to wake up early. So I am a zombie and exhausted.
In order to wake up, I had to drink a whole coffee machine worth of coffee. So now I have diarrhea because I have IBS.
Because I am exhausted, I won't be able to cook tonight, so I will have to eat frozen pizza. So my IBS will get worse.
When my IBS gets worse, I get more tired, so I am more likely to oversleep, which will undermine my efforts to move my sleep schedule.
I am also autistic. So when I am sleep deprived, I lose a lot of my ability to talk, as well as executive function. That is right when I need them the most to get to the shop to buy some ready food.
Why not have ready food already in the house, you may say? Excellent question. Ask my ADHD. They will be glad to point you in the wrong direction, as they always do for me (irony here). I guess I forget I need ready food when I am doing better.
But when I am exhausted, my ADHD gets worse, which means I need my environment to be very tidy in order to function. Except I am too tired to tidy it up.
It's just all the tiny vicious circles of all the conditions feeding on each other . So now I am exhausted, I have diarrhea, my room is a mess and I can't function
Hi all, I have officially reached the stage in life where you plan your garden on Friday night.
We have a new big raised bed and we want to plant the above. These are all plants that like a well drained soil.
On the other hand, we already have compost, which I know does not drain well at all. And having a look online, soil seems incredibly expensive?
Can we mix with bark or maybe perlite To make it work?
Thanks!
Sometimes I forget that how I live isn't normal.
But for example, I went to the gym yesterday, for like 30 mins (huge privilege I don't take for granted), and today I am feeling tired and my brain isn't working - nothing feels real, derealization is rampant.
This is a normal occurrence to me. I have had a cup of yerba mate and 2 coffee machines, and I have a bit more physical energy, but derealization and mental fatigue is exactly the same.
Does anyone else's overexertion manifest as derealization?
Overall it's like my nervous system is always deprived and any activity overexerts it, my fatigue is primarily from the nervous system not primarily "in the muscles"
Hello I will have DJS around October. Could people who have had surgery please help me understand:
How long after surgery can I take a 2.5 hours plane?
How long before I can talk?
How long before I can resume part-time work as a nanny?
Thanks!
I don't really know why I have this. It's just part of my everyday life.
Everything I do, I subconsciously seek anonymity. I have multiple pseudonyms for different things I publish online. I have moved to a big city. I feel this gravitational pull towards a kind of job that allows me to be invisible (so to speak). In fact, a life that allows me to be invisible. I have had crazy thoughts like I should wear a mask in public or a niqab (even though I am not religious ), just to be able to walk around in 100% anonymity. I never posted stuff on social media either. I have moved houses and countries all the time in my 20s.
It's like I am fully allergic to being known. I mean this is not a silly thing it's a serious problem.
Does anyone else here have this?
Anyone else?
I have been suffering from many years, primary cause of suffering being derealization and not knowing the cause.
I have textbook BVD Symptoms except headache or nausea.
Divergence insufficiency is my only finding.
I have an enormous amount of guilt because of the money I wasted from my parents paying university and not being able to make anything of my life still.
I am 29 I feel like a failure to launch.
I receive benefits.
Every day I feel like I am stealing my life from someone. Every penny I spend feels undeserved.
It's not just about "acceptance"- it robs you of so much, a sense of competence, it robs you of choice, identity, freedom, and enjoyment.
I didn't give a wedding gift to my friend because I already paid to travel to the wedding venue (she did it in our home country, we both migrants). I feel guilty I didn't give her a present, I feel MORE guilty about spending more money from the benefits for a wedding after I already "wasted money" on the travel.
I feel like nothing is mine, not only I don't own a house or have my own family, but even my own money isn't mine and I fucking hate it, and I will hate it until the day I manage to make it work and get financially independent
But even there, trying to be self employed, I feel like every step I take is like "okay let's prove you are actually able to do a single successful thing in your life" or "sure keep wasting time trying to learn different things, you lack direction as usual".
Anyone else in this situation can we commiserate together?
I've always been a weird kid and I'm certainly autistic. I have some schizoid characteristics but not really. Let me explain.
I do not relate to autistic people who seek close relationships. Close relationships make me feel trapped. Any kind of stability makes me feel trapped. I need an impossible amount of freedom, alone time, space, and self-reliance. Everywhere I go, I feel like a temporary alien visitor. I constantly long to have a space where I can be completely alone away from human civilization. I live nomadically to cope.
I do not relate however to schizoids or autistics who don't have an interest in a social life. Because at the same time, I want a social life more than anything. I value social occasions and my lack of belonging and community breaks my heart to pieces every day of my life. I am also quite astonished by autistic people's lack of social understanding often, I often "agree" more with the neurotypical interpretation.
I do not relate to AvPD people who are *that* fearful of judgement that they don't even try. I can be very independent from social pressure since I was a kid. I mean who the fuck cares what this crazy society approves or not. I do feel people's judgement on me as a person, though and it weighs on me for sure, so I also don't relate to schizoids who don't feel that. I am socially incapable, not confident at all.
I often find both schizoids and autistics absurdly cold. Like what do you mean you don't cry at funerals?? I also sometimes find autistics absurdly emotional, though. Like they can get attached to small things that don't really matter. We live on a rotating ball in the universe, we'll all be dead in less than 100 years, there's people who don't have access to water, get over yourself.
I relate to people with BPD in terms of the emotional pain they express. I do not relate at all to their behaviour and clinginess. I have like zero patience for all that. You get angry at me for nothing and cling to me? Sorry but you can fuck off and come back when you can handle yourself. But the emotional pain like your own soul is on fire? Yeah I know that extremely well.
I definitely relate to depression, but I don't relate to their pessimism and blanket statements about the world. In fact I am often the optimistic one in my "circle". I just feel completely shit about myself. Like sure I believe life is full of wonders. I just suck so much that I can't enjoy anything I do.
I relate to depersonalization/derealization 100%. I am alien to myself. None of it fits. I may kill myself just to break free from this damn face.
I guess overall, I can summarize my condition as: I have social anhedonia and I suffer immensely from it. I lack feeling and I suffer from it. I seem to have an inability to connect and feel at home anywhere, and it's really painful. I want to want what everyone wants, instead all I want is to leave the Earth and have my own planet.
Sorry if this is too complicated. I am complicated. I am contradictory. I basically don't know what the fuck is wrong with me. Does anyone here relate to this?
Does anyone here have this problem. I already posted about this, but I don't think I explained it well.
Without external stimuli, my brain drifts into this "blank mode". It's like a resistance to moving, talking, doing anything, even remembering that the world exists. My mind goes blank.
If you leave me be alone in a flat, I can basically drift off into this state, stop doing anything not strictly necessary to survival (like eating basic food or going to the toilet), and just sleep and stare, or watch mindless tv the rest of the time. Mind I don't consider this my personality, it's a proper brain malfunction.
It's like I shift into this distinct mode of being where I exist in a vacuum, and the longer I spend in it, the harder it is to shift out of it. The shift out of it can be almost shocking, like I forgot how to handle the world. I basically "fall into the void".
Does anyone else here have this?
I have had chronic fatigue since I was 16, with peaks and intersections with other conditions, physical and mental. At my worst, I was stuck in bed for most of the day. I likely have some genetic thing. Probably not EDS but similar.
Now I am 29 and I feel like I didn't live my 20s enough. As I have a bit more energy, I find myself wanting to do things. There are mountains where I'm from. But I left this place at 18, then got too sick to go to the mountains even during holidays, and I don't know, just everything went wrong, and I missed out on getting to know the mountains. My grandfather knew them, my sister, my aunt, my mother.
I just have this visceral feeling which I can only call fear. can I go to the mountains in my 30s? What if I make my fatigue worse? What if I don't do it and I miss out again? Will I miss out my whole life and then I am too old? Will I get "too old" earlier than everyone else because of whatever genetic condition I have? Have I just fucked up the "good" period of my life by going abroad and being depressed?
Do you know what I mean? I don't even think about these things – it's just one, big, feeling of: do I have enough "time" to live before I crash permanently?
Whenever I research avolition, it is always described as a problem in motivation. I don't have a problem in motivation. In fact, I am so motivated that this is driving me mad. Because my motivation turns into frustration when my entire brain and body refuse to move.
The feeling is like someone did a spell to me. Unless I force it, my brain's default is: don't move and stare into nothingness. Forget about time, to-do lists, let alone enjoyment. Just drift off into this blank state.
And it's not just about *starting* tasks either. Even after I start, it's *doing* it that is hard. The image that comes to mind is like, dragging an elephant that has passed out or something. It's not because you start dragging it that it wakes up. And it's not because you are moving, that you are doing the same thing as someone who is moving by *riding* the elephant.
The reason I know that is because sometimes I have good days, when energy is stable, and I *want* to do stuff, but not just with my mind, my *body* wants to do stuff, and everything is so easy. But this is rare.
For the most part, my body actively resists moving. Especially going out. Even if I really want to. I have done this my whole life. I have had to fight this for every single thing I have done in my life, teenage years onwards at least. It is not my personality, it's just my brain not working. Sometimes I feel like my brain only wakes up to wait to go to sleep again.
Now I live with flatmates, and I know FOR A FACT that if I lived alone, I would be completely fucked, purely because of this. Whenever I am alone, doing things becomes harder and harder, my brain more and more blank, moving more and more difficult. I just don't *want* to do anything. They have no idea how much their presence is like a crutch for me. Just the fact of having people around you, who tell you about random things, and come up with stuff to do around the house etc.
So tell me, reddit, is what I am describing avolition?