u/MiniMateo

[ Removed by Reddit on account of violating the content policy. ]

TW: Past SA mentioned

So basically for the past nearly 10 years I've been curious about being with a man. It will come to mind and then leave every few months. But honestly I think I'm actually ready to pursue it atp in my life.

I think what is making me unsure is the arrangement I actually want to have. Not just that but my insecurity with being desirable to men. Before I transitioned, I got zero male attention. My only experiences have been assault to be completely frank. So I get a bit intimidated not having control of the situation. I also struggle with even being desirable to men in the first place.

I want an arrangement where I can kind of explore a mans body, I guess? Be able to play with his cock and just get used to his anatomy. Sort of like a friends with benefits thing, but I'm the one w the power to start and stop things.

I'm concerned about even asking for this arrangement because attempts in the past have lead to men pressuring me to do more or be really creepy about their intentions to push it very far very fast and it just makes me uncomfortable.

I'm not sure if this is something thats even reasonable to pursue, or even how to go about this. I live in a big city with a large LGBT population as well. I'm guessing a straight dude wouldn't want to do this either.

Would appreciate advice on how to go about this, or tell me if it's a weird/bad idea. I tried Grindr but it seems like it's full of those types of guys I described above.

**Serious NSFW: death, suicide, abuse, sexual trauma**

My relationship has been long and complex, but I will try to be concise for the sake of getting clear advice for a very serious situation I think I'm in.

Long story short, I got with my girlfriend 4.5 years ago while she was having mental health issues. DID. I remember a specific interaction where she grabbed me by the collar and said if I ever left her or went with another woman, she would kill me. Her eyes were black, but I didn't believe her. I knew she was terrified of how she loved me, and felt out of control.

Fast forward, nearly a year later, she cheated on me with another man. I completely lost my mind. I posted pics of her cheating nudes on her instagram page as revenge, writing "I'm a *explicative*." We fought, harassed, and stalked each other for months, incessantly.

After things cooled down, we got back together after 4 months of being broken up over this incident.

Since getting back together, incidents of physical abuse have happened. In the beginning, before our breakup, she did hit me and I immediately shut her down. I intimidated her into stopping because she refused to listen to reason. But since getting back, both of us have slapped each other. Pushed one another. I choked her once while having sex too hard intentionally and she fainted. She convulsed back into consciousness. Another time we did knife play and I cut her intentionally. She's also held a knife to my neck before.

I obviously hold resentment against her because of the cheating. I've been to therapy, I've tried medication. It doesn't go away. But whenever I try leaving, it's a mess. She will beg, she will throw herself onto my car, she will stalk and harass me, she will attempt suicide. I cannot last more than a week not talking to her. I have a mental breakdown and at one point ended up destroying my life staying away from her. I had to quit work and school because of the agony emotionally I was experiencing. I alarmed all of my friends and chased them away with my meltdown and lost respect from my family.

She will make me so angry sometimes. She will break serious promises, lie, say shes going to do something and not fulfill it. She will say stupid things in public and threaten my social status, respect from others, or opportunities. I get extremely anger as shame is a massive trigger for me.

The past two days we've been arguing and talking things out about our relationship. We didn't leave the house for 2 days. We would cry, scream, argue, break down and build each other up, pass out, wake up, and do the same thing over again. She said she wanted to kill herself because she couldn't see her life without me, but it didn't look like we were going to make it. We barely ate the entire time. By the time it was over I was pissing brownish-orange because of not drinking water either.

I thought we had worked thing out, I thought she had finally seen how she was humiliating and disrespecting and disregarding me in the relationship. She had seemed to see my side and I was able to reassure her. But she completely screwed it up. She's at the store and says "I think I'm going to get a sugar daddy." This launches me into a blind rage. I cuss her out, I grind her character to dust, I say everything that hurts her the most. But what concerned me is my fleeting thoughts of "I could kill you right now," "I could strangle you, you stupid, useless *explicative*," became, "I will."

I was numb. I felt like a predator. I have never felt so zeroed in to annihilating anybody this precisely in my life. She began apologizing and begging and saying it was a mistake, that she didn't mean it. That she didn't believe me when I said I loved her the night before, and that she believed me now. That she loved me too.

It was almost an hour until I finally snapped out of it. I was reading a reddit post, trying to snap myself out of this mindset. I read about a man who said as a boy his bully apologized to him and hugged him. He was confused as to why until he learned that his bully had committed suicide within days after. For some reason this brought me out of my blind rage and I began to cry.

I'm still numb now, but I am thinking more clearly now. It is clear to me that the only way this relationship will end us through a crime of passion, suicide, or natural death. No matter how toxic and destructive this relationship is to my life, I will guarantee that my life will be vaporized into nothing if I or her make a serious attempt to end it.

I cannot destroy my life. I wish I could leave, but I am trapped. I saw that today. I am terrified of what I might do, or what she might drive me to. Shes a coward, she would never end me. So I see that I'm the guiding force in this situation.

I go to therapy but I cannot tell them I feel this way. I will get institutionalized. I will get arrested. I have no intention at this moment of doing anything to her. I am not planning on hurting her. It's when my rage is triggered that I fear my own actions. I cannot destroy my life for her again. I already built it back up and have a bright future.

I don't know what to do.

**Serious NSFW: death, suicide, abuse, sexual trauma**

My relationship has been long and complex, but I will try to be concise for the sake of getting clear advice for a very serious situation I think I'm in.

Long story short, I got with my girlfriend 4.5 years ago while she was having mental health issues. DID. I remember a specific interaction where she grabbed me by the collar and said if I ever left her or went with another woman, she would kill me. Her eyes were black, but I didn't believe her. I knew she was terrified of how she loved me, and felt out of control.

Fast forward, nearly a year later, she cheated on me with another man. I completely lost my mind. I posted pics of her cheating nudes on her instagram page as revenge, writing "I'm a *explicative*." We fought, harassed, and stalked each other for months, incessantly.

After things cooled down, we got back together after 4 months of being broken up over this incident.

Since getting back together, incidents of physical abuse have happened. In the beginning, before our breakup, she did hit me and I immediately shut her down. I intimidated her into stopping because she refused to listen to reason. But since getting back, both of us have slapped each other. Pushed one another. I choked her once while having sex too hard intentionally and she fainted. She convulsed back into consciousness. Another time we did knife play and I cut her intentionally. She's also held a knife to my neck before.

I obviously hold resentment against her because of the cheating. I've been to therapy, I've tried medication. It doesn't go away. But whenever I try leaving, it's a mess. She will beg, she will throw herself onto my car, she will stalk and harass me, she will attempt suicide. I cannot last more than a week not talking to her. I have a mental breakdown and at one point ended up destroying my life staying away from her. I had to quit work and school because of the agony emotionally I was experiencing. I alarmed all of my friends and chased them away with my meltdown and lost respect from my family.

She will make me so angry sometimes. She will break serious promises, lie, say shes going to do something and not fulfill it. She will say stupid things in public and threaten my social status, respect from others, or opportunities. I get extremely anger as shame is a massive trigger for me.

The past two days we've been arguing and talking things out about our relationship. We didn't leave the house for 2 days. We would cry, scream, argue, break down and build each other up, pass out, wake up, and do the same thing over again. She said she wanted to kill herself because she couldn't see her life without me, but it didn't look like we were going to make it. We barely ate the entire time. By the time it was over I was pissing brownish-orange because of not drinking water either.

I thought we had worked thing out, I thought she had finally seen how she was humiliating and disrespecting and disregarding me in the relationship. She had seemed to see my side and I was able to reassure her. But she completely screwed it up. She's at the store and says "I think I'm going to get a sugar daddy." This launches me into a blind rage. I cuss her out, I grind her character to dust, I say everything that hurts her the most. But what concerned me is my fleeting thoughts of "I could kill you right now," "I could strangle you, you stupid, useless *explicative*," became, "I will."

I was numb. I felt like a predator. I have never felt so zeroed in to annihilating anybody this precisely in my life. She began apologizing and begging and saying it was a mistake, that she didn't mean it. That she didn't believe me when I said I loved her the night before, and that she believed me now. That she loved me too.

It was almost an hour until I finally snapped out of it. I was reading a reddit post, trying to snap myself out of this mindset. I read about a man who said as a boy his bully apologized to him and hugged him. He was confused as to why until he learned that his bully had committed suicide within days after. For some reason this brought me out of my blind rage and I began to cry.

I'm still numb now, but I am thinking more clearly now. It is clear to me that the only way this relationship will end us through a crime of passion, suicide, or natural death. No matter how toxic and destructive this relationship is to my life, I will guarantee that my life will be vaporized into nothing if I or her make a serious attempt to end it.

I cannot destroy my life. I wish I could leave, but I am trapped. I saw that today. I am terrified of what I might do, or what she might drive me to. Shes a coward, she would never end me. So I see that I'm the guiding force in this situation.

I go to therapy but I cannot tell them I feel this way. I will get institutionalized. I will get arrested. I have no intention at this moment of doing anything to her. I am not planning on hurting her. It's when my rage is triggered that I fear my own actions. I cannot destroy my life for her again. I already built it back up and have a bright future.

I don't know what to do.

**Serious NSFW: death, suicide, abuse, sexual trauma**

My relationship has been long and complex, but I will try to be concise for the sake of getting clear advice for a very serious situation I think I'm in.

Long story short, I got with my girlfriend 4.5 years ago while she was having mental health issues. DID. I remember a specific interaction where she grabbed me by the collar and said if I ever left her or went with another woman, she would kill me. Her eyes were black, but I didn't believe her. I knew she was terrified of how she loved me, and felt out of control.

Fast forward, nearly a year later, she cheated on me with another man. I completely lost my mind. I posted pics of her cheating nudes on her instagram page as revenge, writing "I'm a *explicative*." We fought, harassed, and stalked each other for months, incessantly.

After things cooled down, we got back together after 4 months of being broken up over this incident.

Since getting back together, incidents of physical abuse have happened. In the beginning, before our breakup, she did hit me and I immediately shut her down. I intimidated her into stopping because she refused to listen to reason. But since getting back, both of us have slapped each other. Pushed one another. I choked her once while having sex too hard intentionally and she fainted. She convulsed back into consciousness. Another time we did knife play and I cut her intentionally. She's also held a knife to my neck before.

I obviously hold resentment against her because of the cheating. I've been to therapy, I've tried medication. It doesn't go away. But whenever I try leaving, it's a mess. She will beg, she will throw herself onto my car, she will stalk and harass me, she will attempt suicide. I cannot last more than a week not talking to her. I have a mental breakdown and at one point ended up destroying my life staying away from her. I had to quit work and school because of the agony emotionally I was experiencing. I alarmed all of my friends and chased them away with my meltdown and lost respect from my family.

She will make me so angry sometimes. She will break serious promises, lie, say shes going to do something and not fulfill it. She will say stupid things in public and threaten my social status, respect from others, or opportunities. I get extremely anger as shame is a massive trigger for me.

The past two days we've been arguing and talking things out about our relationship. We didn't leave the house for 2 days. We would cry, scream, argue, break down and build each other up, pass out, wake up, and do the same thing over again. She said she wanted to kill herself because she couldn't see her life without me, but it didn't look like we were going to make it. We barely ate the entire time. By the time it was over I was pissing brownish-orange because of not drinking water either.

I thought we had worked thing out, I thought she had finally seen how she was humiliating and disrespecting and disregarding me in the relationship. She had seemed to see my side and I was able to reassure her. But she completely screwed it up. She's at the store and says "I think I'm going to get a sugar daddy." This launches me into a blind rage. I cuss her out, I grind her character to dust, I say everything that hurts her the most. But what concerned me is my fleeting thoughts of "I could kill you right now," "I could strangle you, you stupid, useless *explicative*," became, "I will."

I was numb. I felt like a predator. I have never felt so zeroed in to annihilating anybody this precisely in my life. She began apologizing and begging and saying it was a mistake, that she didn't mean it. That she didn't believe me when I said I loved her the night before, and that she believed me now. That she loved me too.

It was almost an hour until I finally snapped out of it. I was reading a reddit post, trying to snap myself out of this mindset. I read about a man who said as a boy his bully apologized to him and hugged him. He was confused as to why until he learned that his bully had committed suicide within days after. For some reason this brought me out of my blind rage and I began to cry.

I'm still numb now, but I am thinking more clearly now. It is clear to me that the only way this relationship will end us through a crime of passion, suicide, or natural death. No matter how toxic and destructive this relationship is to my life, I will guarantee that my life will be vaporized into nothing if I or her make a serious attempt to end it.

I cannot destroy my life. I wish I could leave, but I am trapped. I saw that today. I am terrified of what I might do, or what she might drive me to. Shes a coward, she would never end me. So I see that I'm the guiding force in this situation.

I go to therapy but I cannot tell them I feel this way. I will get institutionalized. I will get arrested. I have no intention at this moment of doing anything to her. I am not planning on hurting her. It's when my rage is triggered that I fear my own actions. I cannot destroy my life for her again. I already built it back up and have a bright future.

I don't know what to do.

**Serious NSFW: death, suicide, abuse, sexual trauma**

My relationship has been long and complex, but I will try to be concise for the sake of getting clear advice for a very serious situation I think I'm in.

Long story short, I got with my girlfriend 4.5 years ago while she was having mental health issues. DID. I remember a specific interaction where she grabbed me by the collar and said if I ever left her or went with another woman, she would kill me. Her eyes were black, but I didn't believe her. I knew she was terrified of how she loved me, and felt out of control.

Fast forward, nearly a year later, she cheated on me with another man. I completely lost my mind. I posted pics of her cheating nudes on her instagram page as revenge, writing "I'm a *explicative*." We fought, harassed, and stalked each other for months, incessantly.

After things cooled down, we got back together after 4 months of being broken up over this incident.

Since getting back together, incidents of physical abuse have happened. In the beginning, before our breakup, she did hit me and I immediately shut her down. I intimidated her into stopping because she refused to listen to reason. But since getting back, both of us have slapped each other. Pushed one another. I choked her once while having sex too hard intentionally and she fainted. She convulsed back into consciousness. Another time we did knife play and I cut her intentionally. She's also held a knife to my neck before.

I obviously hold resentment against her because of the cheating. I've been to therapy, I've tried medication. It doesn't go away. But whenever I try leaving, it's a mess. She will beg, she will throw herself onto my car, she will stalk and harass me, she will attempt suicide. I cannot last more than a week not talking to her. I have a mental breakdown and at one point ended up destroying my life staying away from her. I had to quit work and school because of the agony emotionally I was experiencing. I alarmed all of my friends and chased them away with my meltdown and lost respect from my family.

She will make me so angry sometimes. She will break serious promises, lie, say shes going to do something and not fulfill it. She will say stupid things in public and threaten my social status, respect from others, or opportunities. I get extremely anger as shame is a massive trigger for me.

The past two days we've been arguing and talking things out about our relationship. We didn't leave the house for 2 days. We would cry, scream, argue, break down and build each other up, pass out, wake up, and do the same thing over again. She said she wanted to kill herself because she couldn't see her life without me, but it didn't look like we were going to make it. We barely ate the entire time. By the time it was over I was pissing brownish-orange because of not drinking water either.

I thought we had worked thing out, I thought she had finally seen how she was humiliating and disrespecting and disregarding me in the relationship. She had seemed to see my side and I was able to reassure her. But she completely screwed it up. She's at the store and says "I think I'm going to get a sugar daddy." This launches me into a blind rage. I cuss her out, I grind her character to dust, I say everything that hurts her the most. But what concerned me is my fleeting thoughts of "I could kill you right now," "I could strangle you, you stupid, useless *explicative*," became, "I will."

I was numb. I felt like a predator. I have never felt so zeroed in to annihilating anybody this precisely in my life. She began apologizing and begging and saying it was a mistake, that she didn't mean it. That she didn't believe me when I said I loved her the night before, and that she believed me now. That she loved me too.

It was almost an hour until I finally snapped out of it. I was reading a reddit post, trying to snap myself out of this mindset. I read about a man who said as a boy his bully apologized to him and hugged him. He was confused as to why until he learned that his bully had committed suicide within days after. For some reason this brought me out of my blind rage and I began to cry.

I'm still numb now, but I am thinking more clearly now. It is clear to me that the only way this relationship will end us through a crime of passion, suicide, or natural death. No matter how toxic and destructive this relationship is to my life, I will guarantee that my life will be vaporized into nothing if I or her make a serious attempt to end it.

I cannot destroy my life. I wish I could leave, but I am trapped. I saw that today. I am terrified of what I might do, or what she might drive me to. Shes a coward, she would never end me. So I see that I'm the guiding force in this situation.

I go to therapy but I cannot tell them I feel this way. I will get institutionalized. I will get arrested. I have no intention at this moment of doing anything to her. I am not planning on hurting her. It's when my rage is triggered that I fear my own actions. I cannot destroy my life for her again. I already built it back up and have a bright future.

I don't know what to do.

Just for context I have a very attractive girlfriend. Not trying to be pretentious or brag, I just think that detail plays into this issue. For additional context, I’m overweight and not that attractive.

Me and her have had issues as all relationships do. We’ve been working through them. I’m just so frustrated that I’m always seen as the less desirable, less believable, less valuable person in the relationship.

First off, when she cheated on me the first year of our relationship. She got way more sympathy and validation than I did. People automatically assumed I did something wrong to drive her to cheat. The only thing that happened to me was I was having serious health issues and obviously not in the best mood. I was in the hospital almost every day of the week for months. She somehow interpreted that as me being “toxic.” And her friends just believed her and kept encouraging her to leave me.

Even that statement. I know people are going to gang up and say well you must have been if she said it. She says something and it’s automatically the truth.

When we’re out in public, pretty much for our entire relationship, she talks very loudly. I’ve been told by her “it’s because she’s African, they just talk like that.” But people always look at me scornfully like I hurt her or something. You would think by how she talks that she’s seriously upset or fighting with me. People automatically assume I’m abusing her. I have to tell her 2/3 times a day to lower her voice so I stop getting weird looks from people.

Even when I vent to other people about things that have happened between us, I get questioned like “are you doing xyz?” Or implying im doing something wrong to “make her” act a certain way. Isn’t that just misogynistic? Assuming she has no individual identity and is so easily persuaded by anything I do?

I’m tired of walking down the street and sometimes people stop her for autographs sometimes thinking she’s a model (we live in LA). It can be flattering but what pisses me off is people looking at me just making the assumption she’s doing me a favor by being with me. Struggling to find some kinda compliment to throw my way to be polite. Why even say anything?

There’s been times when we fight and her friends will say stuff like “just leave him” or “you can do so much better” etc. I love her and she’s a nice girl but for gods sake, I bring way more to the relationship than she does. Financial support, she doesn’t have a family, I do. I’ve invited her into my home, given her somewhere to live when her family kicked her out. She’s a hostess and I’m going to medical school. I don’t compete with her, but people making these comments is obviously hurtful and looking at things for a matter of fact, I’m pretty sure I’m the catch in this situation. Does her beauty just invalidate everything I bring to the table? Is being fat that much of a sin? Jesus, I’m sorry I nearly died? I’ll try to control the universe next time.

I’m just so tired of being presumed as the person for being wrong because I’m a man. There’s this culture lately of believing a woman’s testimony no matter what for sexual and physical abuse, but when it comes to being abused or treated badly by a woman as a man, we have to pass a purity test and interrogation. I’m so sick of it.

Edit: Thank you everyone for the advice. I'm going to break up with her.

I'm planning on spending 4-5 days a week in the gym (about 1.5 hours in the gym each session) and walking 10k steps a day to lose weight. My cholesterol is high so I need to take care of my health.

However, I'm planning on taking my MCAT around the beginning of next summer. Maybe a month or two earlier.

The issue is I'm also re-certifying for EMT, that will probably take 2 months of studying or so. So I wont start studying MCAT until around October. I'll also be working as a caregiver about 20-25 hours a week plus 10 hours working in a lab for research hours.

Considering I have a lot of content gaps due to starting college in 2019 and finishing this year 2026, is this enough time to study if I'm using all my free time outside of work/lab/gym to study starting October? Am I gonna have to push my test date closer to August or even September?

Thank you

My entire life, I've had a very hard time making friends.

When I was a kid, my family was in a religious cult. I wasn't very popular with the other kids. Most of them didn't talk to me. One girl I was close friends with and we did everything together.

In elementary school, I had one friend in first grade who I was very close to. One day another girl caused drama and made us fight and we stopped being friends.

After that I didn't really have friends until I was in 6th grade. I had a small group of friends, but I was always kind of in the background. I remember even having a party at my house and when trying to get all the kids together to play a game, nobody really listened to me or wanted to play the game. I remember crying because nobody was listening to me. I just wanted everyone to play together.

After that, I had one friend again in 8th grade. We did everything together at school, but we weren't that similar. I kinda just followed her like a shadow. I was also bullied a lot. One boy used to push me into the circular saw in wood shop. Another boy pushed me on the ground in PE and drug me by my hair and said hew as gonna gr*pe me.

In high school, I was bullied a lot as well. Someone literally hired someone to stab me. Thankfully he ended up becoming my friend, and I didn't find out until years later he was told to hurt me. But generally, I was alone. I didn't really have friends. Nobody seemed interested in me in anything but using me as a target and someone to hurt for fun. I could go on and on with stuff that happened to me. I switched schools 2 times before graduating. Every friend group I had I just kind of felt like the background person and if I would leave nobody really noticed.

The pattern continued on in adulthood. One friend, then faded away. A handful of times.

I'm now in my mid-twenties, and I dont get it. I don't understand why I've never had a long term, large friend group. I don't understand why people get tired of me and leave. I don't know what I'm doing wrong. I don't know whats wrong with my energy or my attitude or my facial expressions or any one of the million reasons it could be.

Whenever I ask people about this, they just say theres nothing wrong with me and I'm a good friend and I'm nice to talk to. But I know how I feel. I know what I'm observing is a real pattern, I just don't know what to do about it.

My entire life, I've had a very hard time making friends.

When I was a kid, my family was in a religious cult. I wasn't very popular with the other kids. Most of them didn't talk to me. One girl I was close friends with and we did everything together.

In elementary school, I had one friend in first grade who I was very close to. One day another girl caused drama and made us fight and we stopped being friends.

After that I didn't really have friends until I was in 6th grade. I had a small group of friends, but I was always kind of in the background. I remember even having a party at my house and when trying to get all the kids together to play a game, nobody really listened to me or wanted to play the game. I remember crying because nobody was listening to me. I just wanted everyone to play together.

After that, I had one friend again in 8th grade. We did everything together at school, but we weren't that similar. I kinda just followed her like a shadow. I was also bullied a lot. One boy used to push me into the circular saw in wood shop. Another boy pushed me on the ground in PE and drug me by my hair and said hew as gonna gr*pe me.

In high school, I was bullied a lot as well. Someone literally hired someone to stab me. Thankfully he ended up becoming my friend, and I didn't find out until years later he was told to hurt me. But generally, I was alone. I didn't really have friends. Nobody seemed interested in me in anything but using me as a target and someone to hurt for fun. I could go on and on with stuff that happened to me. I switched schools 2 times before graduating. Every friend group I had I just kind of felt like the background person and if I would leave nobody really noticed.

The pattern continued on in adulthood. One friend, then faded away. A handful of times.

I'm now in my mid-twenties, and I dont get it. I don't understand why I've never had a long term, large friend group. I don't understand why people get tired of me and leave. I don't know what I'm doing wrong. I don't know whats wrong with my energy or my attitude or my facial expressions or any one of the million reasons it could be.

Whenever I ask people about this, they just say theres nothing wrong with me and I'm a good friend and I'm nice to talk to. But I know how I feel. I know what I'm observing is a real pattern, I just don't know what to do about it.

I’m in Sawtelle and think I’ve been a closet furry my whole life. I’m not into the sexual stuff. Just like the art and close knit community.

I’m curious about meeting furries in the area and learning more about the fandom.

I don't believe in god. I have remnants of religious trauma, but understand god as a social construct. However, I've found myself having recurrent thoughts of performing rituals and "transmitting" my energy into a religious-like practice. Performing "spells", working with energy, conjuring them, etc..

As someone who thinks a lot of these things are foolish, like working with demons and angels, building altars etc., I'm not sure why I am having these strong desires to do them anyways.

I feel as though this question is best suited to a philosophy or psychology sub, but neither of them allow these types of questions. So I'm here now.

I'll try to make this short.

I had a great app transferring to uni. 4.0, honors society president, published in a book, much volunteering, clinical hours, non-profit work.

I transfer to a high-level uni but got piled on with issues. Family, health issues, abuse, (my mom has mental health issues that flared up). Eventually had to drop school and work and was homeless.

For a 3 year period I wasn't sure if I could be a doctor with all my personal issues. Money, no support system, health issues. Did my "back-up" career idea and hated it. Had an online business. I was able to support myself with it. But no matter what I tried with alternative careers, nothing matched my passion for medicine and neuroscience.

Decided to come back to uni when I qualified for financial aid. Made a comeback, graduated with 3.84 Neuro B.S.. (3.94 cumulative) Now in my mid-20's.

After graduation, I'm now homeless again. Living in car. Finally got a clinical job and am trying to get into a lab to get research hours as well (volunteer is all I can get). I know it sounds insane, but the job market is horrible and I've been turned down for 5 months from everything else.

Thats basically my situation, but I want to know how to increase my chances of being able to match into neuro. I'm planning on 2 gap years to get my app on track (clinical, shadowing, volunteer, research, MCAT), but with the lab I'll be working in, I'm not paid. I'm unsure if I will get pubs either because it's a neuro lab and I know publishing can take a long time. I'm planning on staying in the role until matriculation in 2029, if I can.

My biggest worry is being seen as a red flag to neurosurgery programs. I have such huge gaps in my hx, I'm sure I'll be questioned about it. But I absolutely cannot see myself doing anything else with my life except this. I understand the long path, it does not bother me. I am willing to make the sacrifices.

Does anybody have any advice on how to best position myself?

Thank you.

I'll try to make this short.

I had a great app transferring to uni. 4.0, honors society president, published in a book, much volunteering, clinical hours, non-profit work.

I transfer to a high-level uni but got piled on with issues. Family, health issues, abuse, (my mom has mental health issues that flared up). Eventually had to drop school and work and was homeless.

For a 3 year period I wasn't sure if I could be a doctor with all my personal issues. Money, no support system, health issues. Did my "back-up" career idea and hated it. Had an online business. I was able to support myself with it. But no matter what I tried with alternative careers, nothing matched my passion for medicine and neuroscience.

Decided to come back to uni when I qualified for financial aid. Made a comeback, graduated with 3.84 Neuro B.S.. Now in my mid-20's.

After graduation, I'm now homeless again. Living in car. Finally got a clinical job and am trying to get into a lab to get research hours as well (volunteer is all I can get). I know it sounds insane, but the job market is horrible and I've been turned down for 5 months from everything else.

Thats basically my situation, but I want to know how to increase my chances of being able to match into neuro. I'm planning on 2 gap years to get my app on track (clinical, shadowing, volunteer, research), but with the lab I'll be working in, I'm not paid. I'm unsure if I will get pubs either because it's a neuro lab and I know publishing can take a long time. I'm planning on staying in the role until matriculation in 2029, if I can.

My biggest worry is being seen as a red flag to neurosurgery programs. I have such huge gaps in my hx, I'm sure I'll be questioned about it. But I absolutely cannot see myself doing anything else with my life except this. I understand the long path, it does not bother me. I am willing to make the sacrifices.

Does anybody have any advice on how to best position myself?

Thank you.

My dad grew up in this gang. He was able to marry into some money and make it out. I grew up nothing like him, (educated, applying to medical school, I hangout with rich nepo babies and scientists/medical professionals, etc.) but I really am curious about how life was like for him growing up in SSW. He still has tattoos, but he doesn’t talk much about it.

All he’s ever shared with me was he had a party where a rival gang tried to assassinate him, and he had to run off with my mom. That they shot at his car. He told me about a time he took LSD while working out of the back of a truck. And I know that his brothers were in rival gangs, so the house was contentious and even violent at times. His dad would chase him around with a machete and try to kill him.

If anyone has anything to share, I’d like to know. Anything. I feel like despite my dad providing for me, I still know very little about him as a person, and he doesn’t talk much.

Thanks

(Just to clarify my dad’s Mexican. Not sure if other races have a SSW gang)

Just tired of it. This game is just pay to play now

My gf is having really bad cramps and she accidentally left hers at home. Just wondering if anyone’s here today to spare a couple for her? Ty

Update: Meds secured!

Today I (25 M) got into a fight with my dad (63 M) over something completely stupid. I have been borrowing his tools to fix a bike I bought. Last night I left them under our Gazebo because my new parts were coming in the morning and I wanted to finish building it then. The next day though, the parts were delayed, and when I went outside I saw that he was already doing stuff to my bike using his tools. He seemed to already be having an aggressive attitude when I walked outside, but I didn't know why. He started telling me I need to not treat his tools like shit because leaving them in the sun in the morning made them start rusting. I responded saying I wasn't trying to treat them like shit and that I didn't realize the sun was going to hit them despite being under the gazebo. He immediately started getting aggressive and saying no you listen, YOU listen, over and over interrupting me and not letting me talk. So I said okay what am I missing because you're saying I'm not listening. He repeated exactly what he had just said, so I said okay, and repeated what I said. How am I not listening to you what am I missing. I'm just telling you what happened. So he starts criticizing me and saying I'm a know it all and I'm disrespectful and I always have to have the last word. I said I don't understand why every time I talk to you you act like I'm arguing with you. And he just kept throwing it back on me saying I have an attitude problem. So I finally had enough and I told him, no, your brain just turns off and you don't listen. So he got angry and got in my face and started saying I'm not going to talk to him like that etc etc. I said what, we can't have a conversation, I cant respond to you? And he said no, you listen to me. I said no, you don't talk TO me, you talk WITH me. This is a conversation, don't treat me like a child.

So after that I just went inside and I cried for a little bit honestly because I genuinely couldn't believe he got in my face over that and was being physically threatening over me just trying to tell him I didn't mean to and I didn't realize the sun was gonna blast on the tools.

I just don't understand why my whole life my parents have been so harsh on me when my brothers have been so much more problematic for them. Half of my brothers barely graduated high school and one dropped out due to selling guns and drugs and got a like 3 years later GED. My dad gave them a house for free and they didn't bother to pay the house payment so we had to foreclose. My dad lost like half a million dollars. My brothers have totaled cars given to them, leached on my dad to pay off their debts and co-sign for them (even though they're in their 40's plus. they're horrible with money and have bad credit). Another one of my brothers is a scammer and is literally on the run in Nevada for not paying his debts.

I go to one of the best universities on the planet and study neuroscience. I'm in the process of preparing to apply to medical school. My dad helped me pay for college for about a year until I had to stop studies because of health issues and my dad basically completely gave up on me and treated me like a failure for "giving up." So for the remainder, once I returned to school, I took out my own loans and supported myself in university. Now I'm back home because the job market is horrible and I couldn't afford to live on my own. And just like before, the shitty treatment is starting again. My dad is constantly riding my ass for the smallest things. Left a dish in the sink, didn't take my clothes out of the washer fast enough (which for him is basically immediately), being "lazy" for not having a job yet, shooting too high and being selfish for not "just being a nurse" or something "easier" and less expensive. I literally spent a week of my time building him the Gazebo in the backyard because my brother just kept ruining the project and damaging the posts. I did it nearly 100% myself outside of needing help to put the roofing on. I help him with stuff all the time and my brothers don't do shit for him.

My brother that lives with us on the other hand can be very aggressive with people. To the point of slamming stuff or yelling in peoples faces. He has a dog he allows to rampage around the house and bother our cats. He lets him eat the cat food so our cats will go without eating. He'll damage the furniture and jump all over and be disruptive in the house, but my brother thinks it's funny and cute. Then he smokes cigars all the time in the backyard and the smell gives everyone a headache. He'll leave 10x as many dishes and messes everywhere but I'm the only one who ever gets told anything about it.

I'm just sick and tired of being treated this way, and I want to understand why I'm always the target. I don't understand how being the least problematic person in my family and trying to make something better about myself has led to be being the target constantly. I understand people will tell me to leave. Trust me I am once I get a job and start making money. I would just appreciate some insight because I just feel like shit right now.

PS. I'm also transgender (female to male), not sure if that has anything to do with it. My dad seems supportive but he still makes homophobic comments generally, though. Not to me, just about things.

TL;DR

Family treats me like shit despite being the least problematic person in the house. Can someone help me figure out why, please?