u/No_Departure7494

I keep posting about this because I have no one else to go to. It's a penetrating loneliness that is unlike anything I have ever experienced in my life. Some days are fine, other times I am struck by these paroxysms of depression and hopelessness.

God has always come through for me. Always. I have always survived, but this time I just don't know what to ask for. We can dispense with the "I heard a song my mother liked on the radio, she's watching me", is it wrong to ask for something real?

Maybe my question is - In times of hardship, what should I even be asking for?!

Something happened and I saw it happen. The logical / data driven aspect is there. I know what transpired, I could tell you how the entire scenario played out but yet the emotional element hasn't caught up yet.

Like my body doesn't believe it was real. As you can see from the other posts on my profile, my mom died of septic shock in front of me. I was the only one with her. I remember how it played out word for word but it's like the backlog of emotion was never realized.

The reality is that, for as common as we think death may be, this is a very isolating situation we've found ourselves in. I'm speaking for others because the many of you on this sub echo the same sentiment.

We know how grieving works. The first few days people are checking in on you followed by a precipitous drop off of support. They go back to living their daily lives and you're left with the grief.

They'll try to relate. Grandparent died, someone close to them. But have no parents at all? That's rare.

The cruelest part is that this type of dilemma was built for a parent to solve. Really, who else would you go to with these types of problems? And now, the only people equipped to handle them are gone.

I don't know. No one loved me like my mother died. No one. There wasn't even a close second. How do you handle it?

Anyone else ever wake up and go - Damn, I cannot believe I was born in this nation, some of you at the height of its power?

I thought about it today. Maybe we're not as much of a hegemon as we were in the 90s, but things still feel pretty good.

I've been going through a lot recently and have been trying to express gratitude. Living here is at the top of my list.

I'm not evil, but I no longer feel kind. I used to see someone driving a beat up car and be like "Damn, how fortunate I am" (Despite mine being a 15 year old Honda with 250K miles on it lol) and now I kind of just think "Can he call mom or dad? He's better off than I could ever be".

Part of me believes I am trying to use others as a face for my parent's pathologies. "I can't get mad at cancer because cancer is not a person, but I can get mad at the world".

The other part of me thinks "No, fuck these people. They're ingrates. They're not aware of how good they have it and yet they complain".

Has anyone else felt this way?

My one friend is an alcoholic depressive and called me up drunk about 2 weeks after my mother died. I spent the night CONSOLING HIM! He's got both parents, young, lives in a great area, but was sobbing about how hard his life was.

I gave him friendly but clinical advice, not letting my true disdain slip through, but after I hung up the phone it was like... WTF. Does he have no self awareness?! Can he put NOTHING into context?!

I did the opposite in the past and it was absolutely awesome. It was like Apollo and Artemis or something?

If I wanted to record my gameplay via OBS - Would this need a docking station + capture card?

Listen, I don't think anyone will relate, but my mind is fried. My mom died on June 3rd and I am trying to find any way at all I can to frame it in a positive light.... Anything.

While driving past my old neighborhood today I realized that, when I moved out of there (10 years ago under unfavorable circumstances), everyone left soon after.... The fantasy of wanting to hit the lottery, buy back my foreclosed home, and continue life was shattered when I had realized - You can't! Everyone you knew is gone!

I apply the same logic here. My mom, my dad, grandparents, friends I've known, pets.... When you lose one person, it's as though you go from 100% whole to 90%. Now, I've lost so many damn people that I am beginning to envy them! It's me that is left here, not them. I have been abandoned through sheer mortality.

It kind of alleviates this need to adhere to your old existence because any context you had is gone. It quite literally doesn't exist. In a weird way - this gives you the means to go forward, simply because you cannot go back. The past exists only in memory... Though, I suppose that's not unique.

I really miss them... I do. I'd give anything to have each and every one back, but because I cannot change the circumstances - The blank canvas serves as a means of liberation. Albeit, through extreme circumstances.

Anytime someone brings up this topic it always piques my interest but there's seldom a more in depth explanation other than "I don't know man, it just felt off".

I'm wondering if you've ever visited a location that truly seemed sinister, perhaps something felt amiss, etc?

Hollywood is an excellent example. The reasons being - Crushed dreams, drugs, greed, vanity, etc.

No, it's not attacking them - I am genuinely curious. It's like they all have the same routine or formula.

I'll drive around my area and they'll be sitting in their Priuses (older ones) camped outside of a restaurant. Most are talking to each other but speak virtually no English.

I'm just wondering it there's a specific country they're coming from, ethnic makeup, etc? Maybe Eastern European?

Best visual description is that they look like characters out of GTA 4 or something. A Niko Bellic type.

I am beside myself. June 3rd my mother tragically passed away from, what my aunt (Oncology nurse) suspects was colon cancer. I don't know how to explain it - The shockwave this sent through me... through everyone. I lost my father to the same thing just 8 years ago, and without putting him down or desecrating his memory, something about losing a mother freaks people out.

Anyway, I had lived with her all of my life, she was always thin. Everyone knew her as a thin woman. However, when you become frail over time + aging, it didn't set off any alarm bells. No one I knew, and I mean - NO ONE - said "Hey, is your mother okay? She's looking a bit frail". Conversely, they told me how great and YOUNG she looked for her age.

She was always having stomach aches, never got tested. She would tell me "My father had ulcers, this is no big deal. It always comes and goes". If I asked her if she needed anything from the store, she'd say "Just some tums, is all".

I want to be abundantly clear, my mother was not vain - but I could not realistically approach her and say "Mom, you look like you have cancer, please get tested".... She has never had anything other than a common cold in her life! I don't think I even saw her get food poisoning! Not one hospital visit, nothing! At 71!

June 2nd rolls around, she's out front, we're bringing in groceries together, it's a normal day. The night falls and she gets a stomach ache. This seemed different. Almost like an aura of unwellness around her. I went to do errands at 7, came back at 9, she was still in the bathroom. This continued until 1 in the morning. I told her "Mom, if this doesn't clear up... We're going to take care of it, okay?".

I leap out of bed, 6:30 AM - knowing something was wrong. Heart is racing. Normally when she had these symptoms she could communicate well. "Oh *name*, I AM FINE! Please! I have a terrible diet, you know this, it always passes!".

This time, radically different. RADICALLY DIFFERENT. Hardly even communicative. I think that seeing someone in this amount of pain actually made them look like they were not in pain. It sounds weird but I am trying to say that her degree of discomfort (bloating + cramps) basically silenced her ability to even speak out.

We get to the hospital, CAT scan comes back - Blocked stool with liquid stool above it, off white blood cell count... They load her up with morphine. Enemas are tried 3 times. They cannot do surgery because of her lactic acid levels and her blood pressure was like 238 / 90 something if I remember correctly.

6:36 PM rolls around, she is in agonizing pain for 12 hours, her eyes go wide - heart stops. Chest compressions are done, she comes back once, then they lose her again.

The ER doctor told me "The first thing I asked the staff was - What is her malignancy?". I said "I am sorry, I don't know what that means". He said "It means everyone on this floor said your mother looked like she had cancer". Before he left I said "Doctor... If you saw her in passing on the street, would you think something was wrong?", he told me "I would think that this was a human being completely overtaken by cancer. There is not a doubt in my mind".

I am devastated by this. We did not perform an autopsy, sorry to put this on you guys. My mind is all over the place. It doesn't feel real being 34 with no parents.

I don't know if it's irony or something else but I audibly start laughing when I see some of these pop up on my feed.

I swear it goes together hand in hand. The people who are local to me and want a small item at a deli tip pretty well and it's all of a 20 minute trip all in.

The people who live 30 minutes away (One way) want to pay $6 but are somehow always ordering from pricier restaurants in my area. Makes no sense.

Without sounding like a total dick, surely this would qualify as - You cannot afford to eat here if you can't drive on your own?

Really? 15 miles one way for $6?!

I lived next door to a bunch of kind people but since mother died in early June, it made me realize that they are not in the position to be giving life advice.

Now, to be clear - I am not targeting them, they are only trying to help, but this worries me because normally I was the one looking up to others. It's strange how those you viewed as more mature than you (Self-esteem issues, tbh) now suddenly come of as... clueless. "WTF would you know?".

The couple next door had both parents except for the husband who lost his dad. Again, I didn't want to split hairs but he cannot even BEGIN to comprehend the difference between losing your dad vs your mother AND your father.

The other guy who is a good person is like 50 and still has his mom and told me that, deep down, this is his worst nightmare.

I feel like someone that just got out of a fiery collision and is standing there with his skin melting off and the only thing people can do is agree that the damage is severe... They can't comfort you. They have no idea how to.

Again - This is a truly unique scenario. At least we are not alone in that respect. When I call the prayer line to beg for some time of divine guidance from God, because I have no idea how I am going to move on, the elderly person usually tries to relate by saying how hard it was for them when they lost their father... Who was 208 years old, didn't look a day over 206, and the person telling me this is like 77..

Then I follow it up by asking "And when did you lose your mother?".... "Oh, my mother? She's still kicking at 450 years of age!".

Even the elderly cannot relate! It worries me!

I had been off caffeine for a while because my nervous system could not handle it. One Dunkin' cup yesterday, small iced coffee, total disaster.

Just a lot of anxiety, impending sense of doom. It all faded out, but I don't even remember getting that little ounce of euphoria when drinking it. It just locked me into this hyper focused mindset and departed with a large crash...

How did I ever tolerate this shit?

I'm assuming this has a semi-obvious solution but I am lacking the words to describe what this would be.

When I stream, it's one screen and I play in windowed mode. Not bad at all but I'd rather play fullscreen and have some secondary monitor to view the chat and viewercount.

However, is it possible to do this through some type of stream device? Maybe a tablet? I don't want to go out and buy another monitor.

Tablet + Youtube / Twitch app the best way to go?

Last Wednesday my mother woke up with a severe stomach ache at 6:30 AM.

I went to the hospital with her, nervous but hopeful, the end result was something I never could have anticipated.

Apparently she had undiagnosed colon cancer and the stool was impacted in her colon. No surgical intervention could be had due to the frailty of her body.

She was in excruciating pain for 12 hours before finally having a heart attack in front of me. They managed to bring her back, she removed the breathing tube from her throat, and as the doctor was telling me this was good news (Preserved her brain function) she flatlined again and died.

I know my mind recorded it. I can see her pupils dilating now if I think about it. I can see the techs working on her, the cacophony of medical alarms ringing throughout the hospital, the nurses trying to console me...

But it's really registering. I know it happened, and that's it. I should be beside myself, but I am numb.

Are there signs of PTSD from the jump or is this something I need to wait out to properly asses?

$16.04 for a 14.4 mile drive one way. Do people really take this shit? Is that normal?

I have no how much of this works because I just started driving to kill some time but the notion of driving within the general vicinity for anything above $10 seems like a legitimate pipe dream.

Eastern PA outside of Philadelphia btw.

Is this the fault of the customers not tipping or Uber Eats as a whole?

This is the most penetrating sense of loneliness I have ever felt in my life. I actually think that crying is insufficient. Horrific. I believe in God but right now I said that I am never praying again. The devastation of this is on another level.

34 years old, male, and zero idea how to go forward. Zero. Do I get a girlfriend? Try to have a family? What?! What do I do?

Because I work from home I am not sitting on my computer and feeling this sense of dread come over me. "Is this it? Do I do this alone until I die?".

I have siblings but it's complicated and they're not going to bail me out. They have their own lives.

Did anyone ever get used to this? I'm mostly upset because this is some type of advanced grief. When my dad died my mom was there and now that that she's gone, it's easy to see that his death was roughly 10x easier to death with. SHE was the one holding me together.

34. Father was struck by colon cancer 8 years ago, mother passed on 3 days ago. We suspected it was undetected colon cancer too.

Just so we're clear, I do not believe I am actually writing this.

Comparatively, when my father died it was a cake walk. Yes, that sounds heartless, but it's true.

I had my mother, my father and I had a bad relationship, things like that. I just put my head down, kept conversing with her, and within a few months I was operating like a human again, and by a few years time I was completely normal. Not that I didn't love him, but that I had support.

And now? Horrific. She's gone. I will not get into the details of what triggers me because at the time it is too much.

Again, I know this sounds so sick and twisted but if this was another grieving process of my father it just wasn't that excruciating in hindsight BECAUSE OF HER. Now she is gone.

2 days ago my mother suddenly passed. To believe my keystrokes just generated those words... it's surreal.

One week before my mother died I was sending my friend a voice memo and had to stop when I mentioned my mom. I have no idea why. It was overpowering. I thought "Imagine listening to this again if she wasn't here". Totally random. But it was potent enough for me to back off and rephrase my message.

One day before her passing I was sitting in my room peering out of an opened window in a new home we started renting... The circumstances behind this were unique and miracle-like to some extent. When I saw my mother arrive home in her car, I saw her and smiled. It was, AGAIN, over powering. A sense of spiritual wave passing through me. I looked at her and said "Thank you, God. Things are good. Thank you so much".

It wasn't even so much about acquiring this new home, but the general idea of seeing my mother out front, healthy, present, here.

One day later she passed from, what we can only assume was, a stealth form of cancer. She had a radical aversion to getting tested. Out of sight out of mind? If I don't test it means nothing is wrong?

Though this is rather tangential, I am only trying to communicate that I felt something leading up to this. Even the usage of my vocabulary months before, refraining from using words like benign or malignant because the back of my mind kept telling me "What if someone in your family secretly has cancer now?".

Am I nuts? My entire life I have been seriously quite grounded. Logical. But this was different. Please understand - The INTENSITY of this emotion I experienced while seeing my mom out that window was something I have never experienced before in my life.... "Weight lifted off your shoulders" feeling.

Any input?

2 days ago my mother suddenly passed. To believe my keystrokes just generated those words... it's surreal.

One week before my mother died I was sending my friend a voice memo and had to stop when I mentioned my mom. I have no idea why. It was overpowering. I thought "Imagine listening to this again if she wasn't here". Totally random. But it was potent enough for me to back off and rephrase my message.

One day before her passing I was sitting in my room peering out of an opened window in a new home we started renting... The circumstances behind this were unique and miracle-like to some extent. When I saw my mother arrive home in her car, I saw her and smiled. It was, AGAIN, over powering. A sense of spiritual wave passing through me. I looked at her and said "Thank you, God. Things are good. Thank you so much".

It wasn't even so much about acquiring this new home, but the general idea of seeing my mother out front, healthy, present, here.

One day later she passed from, what we can only assume was, a stealth form of cancer. She had a radical aversion to getting tested. Out of sight out of mind? If I don't test it means nothing is wrong?

Though this is rather tangential, I am only trying to communicate that I felt something leading up to this. Even the usage of my vocabulary months before, refraining from using words like benign or malignant because the back of my mind kept telling me "What if someone in your family secretly has cancer now?".

Am I nuts? My entire life I have been seriously quite grounded. Logical. But this was different. Please understand - The INTENSITY of this emotion I experienced while seeing my mom out that window was something I have never experienced before in my life.... "Weight lifted off your shoulders" feeling.

Any input?