u/Ok-Zombie9043

So, i have nothing, and im self studying open uni courses.

I study around 3 hours a day in total. I do them as sessions, each is 25 minutes. Not exactly 25 minutes study then 5 break then another 25. More like 25 minutes, then maybe half an hour or an hour, then again 25 minutes.

In total, i can study for 3 hours before being so tired and not able to study more. Sometimes one session can be exhausting, sometimes if it wasnt i just hop onto another session after like 10 minutes.

I feel like i should study more. I want to study more. Any advice???

I dont know why but i always sucked at making friends. No one taught me how, or more like my experiences were also bad. For what its worth, i was told at a young age im gifted, and if that means anything its that i just learn quicker. Seemingly, i learned at a very young age that friends arent always "friends".

When i was in the first grade i approached multiple kids, hey im [name] whats yours? and then ask them do you want to be friends? they say yes. But nothing great ever happens.

Somehow, i ended up with some friends. Then idk i was just the quiet shy scared kid, at home i had cousins so there was that.

Later, we move to a new city, i make some friends, but also quickly realize how gossipy and dishonest they are, which to be fair i also was. It was just freaking toxic on all sides. Middle school was hell, due to bullying i shut in, i developed severe social anxiety as well. I think it was at that time that i one hundred percent realized how much people can be terrible. I saw also other friendships dissolve, so it wasnt really all my fault. I tried to be cool, lied a lot, became cool, got some friends, but unlucky me...2 left the school and one even left the entire city, eventually one would get so bitchy we had a fight and then he left to another country, the remaining one became a "thug" and he was a shitty friend anyway so i cut him off.

Homeschooled, had 1 friend who was going through his own teenager phases, he really didnt care for me a lot and when i look back i was just forcing myself on him and he just tolerated me, not enjoyed being around me.

Even cousins, we had family issues that caused contact to be forever lost.

For what its worth, i tried to socialize through my only friend, tried to develop relationships. Idk, i was insecure, weird, fuck it. I ended up leaving the country myself. Made a friend, but only like 2 weeks before he left that country...then i leave the country again, this time finally separate from my family and all on my own. It has been almost 2 years. Im all alone.

I feel this place is the worse for me, i jsut cant wait until i can leave. Where? i dont know. I dont have a plan as i dont have enough money for anything. Got in a relationship, but we are separated by 5 hours train trip and both are adults with responsibilities.

I have no one. No friends. Not even gaming friends online. Nothing. I have many hobbies but im not capable of socializing due to money, language barrier, and just the fact that i sometimes dont know is it me who is bad or weird and push people away or am i just reading too much into every single behavior. Or do i no longer trust that i will have true friendships? i dont know.

What i know for sure is this loneliness kills me and actually makes me unable to function sometimes. My house feel terribly silent and empty. I put youtube videos but they no longer work. I eat alone. I walk alone. I read alone. I make shit 15 minutes food alone. I order food for me alone. I even scroll instagram with no one to send anything to.

At evening and night, the feeling gets intense, it feels like the walls are closing in on me. I feel something like a panic attack, i feel trapped. It goes away. But it happens consistently, sometimes even throughout the day.

I dont have anyone. If i die, probably i will be one of those who were found days after they died. Although i think my mom will notice. But, no one else really.

I always wished i had this loyal group of friends you know? "the boys". We have good times, we have bad times, we seperate and reunite and remain friends forever. But it didnt happen. And i sometimes feel like mourning this innocent dream of just having a good bunch of friends.

Why is the world like that? what happened? I dont get it.

I dont know what to do. Im just venting, but open for any advice.

So, i lost my country to war and political conflicts. Pretty much it is very dangerous for me to go back and there is no hope of anything good in the future anyway. Which means i am condemned to be out of it forever. As a result, i use the word exile. I am not out of it by choice.

I feel constantly very lonely. I dont know how to fit in the new society. I dont have anyone. My entire circle and social relationships were basically removed from my life, limited to few calls and text chats every now and then.

As the day approaches its end, like of the time im writing the post, i start to feel very lonely, nostaligic, and sad. It feels like the walls are closing in on me. I get something like a panic attack, i open windows and curtains, i cry, i feel shortness of breath and so on, classic panic attack or breakdown stuff.

The loneliness is unbearable. And what comes with all this is a lot of dark thoughts, like what if i never get to see my dog again, how i never really had this great group of friends i always wished i had, and so on.

I really want some help with this. Any advice. How do you just...get over it or adapt to it? the loneliness and the distance.

I am trying to make this a timeline and will update in the future, as i couldnt find enough people talking about it on reddit.

I started zoloft (aka sertraline) in Jan 2026. I took Mirtazapine 15 mg with it for sleep.

I started with 25 mg zoloft, up to 100 mg.

Then i quit mirtazapine as it was basically knocking me up for 12 hours and i wake up feeling tired. Let alone the weird and vivid dreams i had. I think i quit it in late Jan/ early Feb. For 2 weeks i barely slept few hours. I spent the night drawing and watched anime.

in March i decide to quit zoloft. 3 weeks in, i am back on it. I was very suicidal, angry, and pretty sure it was some weird mania i had as i planned things like: a trip to cross a big ass forest on my own outside hiking paths (i have literally 0 skills), i talked to strangers online and agreed to things i wouldnt do now, and so on. Yes. I almost fucked myself up, i almost sent myself into remote area to get lost and die. Thankfully i didnt have the money for it and the weather was bad.

So, i return in april. I start with 25mg, then to 50mg, and it was really just "stabilize your brain until you feel ready again". I went on 25 mg for 4 days, then 0 in late May. 1 month. First week was...normal. It felt normal. Then...insomnia. I think insomnia is the only and biggest issue i have. Oh i also believe i had mania again at week 2. I was constantly considering sigining up for aaaall these courses that i could never finish properly, just throwing money basically. Thank god i didnt do anything stupid.

So far, I get 4 hours of sleep for around 3 weeks maybe or 4. Except one night few days ago i slept 7 hours. I think my sleep is starting to improve tho.

I wake up at 4 or 5 hours of sleep to anxiety. I have also sleep anxiety. Oh, and i have annoying mood swings and fatigue, but i will say they are likely amplified by lack of sleep.

Today, i had green tea at like 3 pm, then chamomile and lavander tea at 6, took like 50 mg magnesium at 7 pm. Now, it is 7:23 pm. I feel very sleepy.

I get weird short episodes of feeling like sad/depressed almost like im suffocating (not physically) tho the panic leads to feeling of shortness of breath but i know what this is. But this feeling like im trapped or so, it can be hard.

I will keep updating this, and share my journey. But if there are lessons to learn:

1. MAKE a calendar.

2. Be careful when it comes to mania. Maybe stay with a trusted relative during withdrawal and make sure they are your guard rail.

I hope this was helpful! good night!

It is no wonder that there is a wave of christian nationalism all over the west. And as a displaced person thanks to the "democratic" west, and from the levant, I cant even begin to tell you how disgusting and repulsive it is to see the most shittiest of shits from people who claim christianity to be "their" culture (wtf?) and all that.

You name it. Racism, cheering for war crimes, cheering for slavery, and so on. Sometimes i feel like i want to go their and snatch that cross from their necks. I seriously stopped wearing mine. I even got a rosary recently and was learning how to use it but i genuinely reached a point where i am repulsed by what i considered once to be something beautiful and important.

Jesus to me was a symbol of humility, ethics, love, and freedom from suffering. Somehow, these idiots twisted jesus to be...some racist white supremacist warlord entrepreneur? I dont even know. But what i know is that I am literally disgusted beyond imagination.

Even like...you want to hear something from a priest online, and suddenly they talk about "cultural marxism" (not a real thing btw) and this shit. The other day, I believe a greek orthodox priest posted a video "straight white men". Motherfucker! I literally share like 90% DNA with jesus. What the actual fuck?
Its so disgusting. I feel sick to my stomach.