I am feeling better. I guess. I am feeling more free. I hope you keep me in your prayers. I want to live without sex, porn, or masturbation. I just want to live normally and put that temptation behind forever.
My mind was messed up, my body was too. I was too hedonistic. Now im trying to tame my appetites. Slowly.
In the resources on this subreddit i only find very formal description without elaboration and examples on symptoms. I would like a detailed resource, preferably with examples, on the symptoms and typical behavioral patterns of BPD please.
only 1 pill of tenofovir disoproxil 200mg, I did after eating, and i didnt take anything else at all.
However it has been 5 days, i still have some nausea and its intensity goes up and down. Is this normal? what should i do? I am not throwing up, but i am eating very little every day. And it is very annoying.
I dont just feel attraction, its more like a desire to be accepted by them. A desire to enter into the world of men and be a man myself. I dont know how to stop it, because at the end of the day it is a deep form of jealousy.
I also notice how uncomfortable i can be in my own body, or with who i am in general.
Explain to me step by step. I seem to not be able to make or maintain friends. Idk? maybe its me, maybe its them. I would blame them but know some part of the blame is on me. Im also on the spectrum, so there is that, but others dont generally see me as autistic, just maybe weird and closed.
No, i will not go the gym as i have terrible social anxiety, besides im a foreigner so yeah more reasons to not want to go there.
The other time, i couldnt maintain erection but in my defense it was a hookup and the expected person was different irl so yeah. This time? premature ejaculation (like really premature). And i feel embarrassed now.
Idk what happened to me. Sex with my boyfriend was so controlled and easy, no PE, no inability to maintain erection, we felt it, we did it, i lasted long almost i could totally control when i want to ejaculate. It was effortless, i never worried i will not get an erection or maintain it, or just ejaculate almost immediately.
This summer has been the other way around, i have no control. Like literally before today's PE, i was unable to get an erection, i was even worried that i will not get one when we get to it. I feel embarrassed a lot, its like...idk? shame? not understanding your body? its just weird and making me feel less and less confident in myself in bed.
BTW you can find professors all over students subreddits.
Thread from their stinkhole:
https://www.reddit.com/r/Professors/comments/1vh85z6/comment/p231mfr/?context=3
If anything, the more time i browse that subreddit the more i regret not writing the harshest of reviews and participated less. The psychopathy of the feudal university must end bro.
Edit: to all the professors here who very cleverly not saying they are professors (its not like we cant tell), cope and seethe for the harsh reviews lol. If your students hate you, its because you suck at teaching and should quit (or go to a nursing home maybe)
So i did not learn in school how to do research, compare and test, and then put everything in a paper. Let alone publishing.
I like philosophy, and would do it as a hobby. I read some. But i actually dont know where to progress from where i am.
No, i cannot afford a 40k philosophy degree (im an adult btw).
Yes, i did read introductory books and some papers (provided by the books in further reading). But the problem is nothing comes after that. Ok i read intro to ethics, intro to metaethics, intro to applied ethics, read some stuff here and there, read "rules of argumentation". What now? what next? how do i write my own original work which is actually contributing positively?
I see people on Philpapers with many publications in journals, i once reached out to one professor asked if i could get evaluation for my paper. Of course, no response (and i understand). But why the hell is this gate-kept behind a 40k paywall? where am i supposed to learn if its very expensive AND those who have already learned arent even willing to teach me for money?
Lowkey frustrated. I also love this, i want to do it because i enjoy it.
It was popular a while ago on instagram, it was like "when im being bullied but im too small so i call my big friend for help" and it has a "ooonnnniiii chaaaaaaan" sound.
I swear i cant seem to find it at all.
Even the sound alone could be helpful.
I feel this world is stupid. I felt this since i was a child. I dont juts feel it, i know it. This entire world is not working. Yet, no one seems to care. People just go on with their lives, having to deal with the bullshit systems in place which they dont like, and bringing it up leads to "it is what it is" kind of response.
Now, im an adult and it isnt just the rebelious tendencies of the youth. In fact the more i get into the adult world the more i am convinced that...everyone else is just stupid. I swear sometimes the way people behave makes me question if they actually are conscious.
I struggle to live normally and just accept a world so stupid where those higher than you can just treat you unfairly and you cant do anything. Going to university was one of the most disappointing experiences i have ever had. The job hunt is even worse. But i find myself constantly having this immense struggle to just go on normally when i know very well and experience how stupid this all is.
What bothers me the most is the feeling that i do not have autonomy, or that i am in limbo between conformity to what is truly unjust, and the impossibility to withdraw from these systems.
This might come off as "i am special and the world owes me something". Well yes, the world owes me a good life, otherwise i guess then i can just have no moral code and do terrible shit?? its like...we only live once (at least thats what i think), why do we have to live within systems and structures that are absolutely terrible to most? thats all. I think i deserve a good life, some autonomy, and the right to not be treated like shit by higher-ups. The world owes me this, owes you this, and owes everyone this. We owe this to all of us and to ourselves. It isnt just about me. But this post is about me seriously looking for advice on how to just...live without having this conflict inside me.
I was shaking thinking about it...does anyone have any tips?
I made an acocunt after sending my cv to every opening in the world on other sites and getting ghosted/rejected.
I add the institution i study at, i was going to add my previous place of work but jesus the cringe i see on the app is insane.
A lot of AI generated shit, and I saw a post from HR that is celebrating a candidate that decoded what the boss wanted from the new hire and sent a follow-up email after interview. Im like what the actual fuck is this shit bro??? The level of cringe i see is insane I actually opened the app twice only.
Am i going to get any benefit of it or should i just make sure my CV remains good and thats all?
Also how do you even get a job through linkedin? like is it a thing or should i be posting cringe too?
There are 2 main points here: Immersive language learning is bullshit (like kanjification of language, typing-no-writing schools...etc), the secondary less important point is that i believe it has popularity cuz it sells more than regular methods.
French at school:
When i was in school ,we had french lessons. Learning was immersive. 1 year later, we had an exam, we couldn't even tell what the hell was anything other than the name box. 7 hours of learning with teacher that doesn't bullshit and speaks a language i understand, i wrote 4 sentences small homework from memory.
Finnish as an adult:
Years later, i take 2 finnish courses and study on my own, no immersion bullshit, i can hold small conversations and actually get the general idea of chapters in a book. I try immersion, i couldn't even understand things i knew. I literally LITERALLY had no idea what was going on. Literally. Although, the grammar and vocab weren't new. I knew the grammar, but had no idea what to do.
People keep saying immersion works, i doubt. Really. Unless you put 10 times more effort than if you are learning the no-BS regular way. I dont think it is efficient, it takes significantly more effort to learn for same reward.
Finland as a proof:
I noticed there is this issue in finland where foreigners seem to not learn the language, yeah there is also this immersion everywhere with little to no available properly structured finnish courses without immersion. So that is an interesting thing i observed. I believe the bullshiting is the reason why.
What i noticed also:
Immersive courses / learning usually involves significantly longer lessons / duration and so much more materials. This is why i believe it has something to do with money, but overall my point is: it is bullshit.
crippling loneliness makes me unable to study even. I dont like this life. my basic needs as a human are not met. I feel very isolated, very weird and very different.
I wish i can go back home but there is a war going. I wish i can just live a very normal life. And unemployment makes it worse as i get to think about it all day, alone. Sometimes the house feels waaay too empty. Its like there is no one. Almost like loneliness itself starts haunting the place.
Im in uni. but have no friends. Not much money. I know a lot of things to do, but dont enjoy doing things alone. I live alone. Eat alone. study alone, do evreything alone. I feel life is slipping away from me. What should i do? im in a foreign country, cant go home cuz war. I just need some friends but idk.
I lived long enough with screens, but where the hell are the people???!?!?!? people that actually do shit and dont expect you to be 100% matching them in interests, people who dont always require you to take the first step, make the plan, or so. The "friends" i had didnt do shit unless i told them to, when i stopped talking...they stopped too!
Previous post: https://www.reddit.com/r/Antipsychiatry/comments/1ui1p93/fuck_sertraline_zoloft/
So, My sleep is actually much better. I think what used to be mania is turning to anxiety, or i would be more comfortable to say it turned. I had very intense days full of anger, almost feeling like i want to go looking for certain people and beat the hell out of them. I managed to stay at home and didnt do more than some online meanness. It was so out of control, its like explosive anger and explosive sadness, depression and rage at the same time. And unimaginably intense, it was hard to distract myself or calm myself.
I am generally much better now, life is going back to normal, today for example im very good, yesterday only half of it was full anger. Few days ago i also seemingly went into very weird episode where i thought i will see a vision or be visited by Sophia or Jesus and wanted to bite my finger to break free from the illusion of the material world. Yes, crazy. however i would like to say few things about all this.
I have lived in war and saw terrible terrible things, pretty much safe to say i saw the ugly side of life from an early age. Even before antidepressants, i saw the world as a bad place and actually had a weird obsession at one point with trying to be spiritually free but that was many years ago. So, there is already this stress on me. But i think the withdrawal amplified all feelings to the point where my mind broke for few hours. I am safe, nothing happened to me. But if i learned anything, it is how important it is to have someone with you throughout withdrawal. Someone that will properly handle such episodes. Not sure if others had anger episodes, but this is how it was for me.
As of today, it is sunny and im happy. Im sleeping much better, functioning fairly good, and i would say im at a very good place and believe it is only going to be good from now, maybe some bad days left, but i really have been through the worst.
I will write updates. Hopefully, in few weeks i write a final update and say everything is back to normal.
Feel free to ask me anything. Stay safe! fuck zoloft.
So, i have nothing, and im self studying open uni courses.
I study around 3 hours a day in total. I do them as sessions, each is 25 minutes. Not exactly 25 minutes study then 5 break then another 25. More like 25 minutes, then maybe half an hour or an hour, then again 25 minutes.
In total, i can study for 3 hours before being so tired and not able to study more. Sometimes one session can be exhausting, sometimes if it wasnt i just hop onto another session after like 10 minutes.
I feel like i should study more. I want to study more. Any advice???
I dont know why but i always sucked at making friends. No one taught me how, or more like my experiences were also bad. For what its worth, i was told at a young age im gifted, and if that means anything its that i just learn quicker. Seemingly, i learned at a very young age that friends arent always "friends".
When i was in the first grade i approached multiple kids, hey im [name] whats yours? and then ask them do you want to be friends? they say yes. But nothing great ever happens.
Somehow, i ended up with some friends. Then idk i was just the quiet shy scared kid, at home i had cousins so there was that.
Later, we move to a new city, i make some friends, but also quickly realize how gossipy and dishonest they are, which to be fair i also was. It was just freaking toxic on all sides. Middle school was hell, due to bullying i shut in, i developed severe social anxiety as well. I think it was at that time that i one hundred percent realized how much people can be terrible. I saw also other friendships dissolve, so it wasnt really all my fault. I tried to be cool, lied a lot, became cool, got some friends, but unlucky me...2 left the school and one even left the entire city, eventually one would get so bitchy we had a fight and then he left to another country, the remaining one became a "thug" and he was a shitty friend anyway so i cut him off.
Homeschooled, had 1 friend who was going through his own teenager phases, he really didnt care for me a lot and when i look back i was just forcing myself on him and he just tolerated me, not enjoyed being around me.
Even cousins, we had family issues that caused contact to be forever lost.
For what its worth, i tried to socialize through my only friend, tried to develop relationships. Idk, i was insecure, weird, fuck it. I ended up leaving the country myself. Made a friend, but only like 2 weeks before he left that country...then i leave the country again, this time finally separate from my family and all on my own. It has been almost 2 years. Im all alone.
I feel this place is the worse for me, i jsut cant wait until i can leave. Where? i dont know. I dont have a plan as i dont have enough money for anything. Got in a relationship, but we are separated by 5 hours train trip and both are adults with responsibilities.
I have no one. No friends. Not even gaming friends online. Nothing. I have many hobbies but im not capable of socializing due to money, language barrier, and just the fact that i sometimes dont know is it me who is bad or weird and push people away or am i just reading too much into every single behavior. Or do i no longer trust that i will have true friendships? i dont know.
What i know for sure is this loneliness kills me and actually makes me unable to function sometimes. My house feel terribly silent and empty. I put youtube videos but they no longer work. I eat alone. I walk alone. I read alone. I make shit 15 minutes food alone. I order food for me alone. I even scroll instagram with no one to send anything to.
At evening and night, the feeling gets intense, it feels like the walls are closing in on me. I feel something like a panic attack, i feel trapped. It goes away. But it happens consistently, sometimes even throughout the day.
I dont have anyone. If i die, probably i will be one of those who were found days after they died. Although i think my mom will notice. But, no one else really.
I always wished i had this loyal group of friends you know? "the boys". We have good times, we have bad times, we seperate and reunite and remain friends forever. But it didnt happen. And i sometimes feel like mourning this innocent dream of just having a good bunch of friends.
Why is the world like that? what happened? I dont get it.
I dont know what to do. Im just venting, but open for any advice.
So, i lost my country to war and political conflicts. Pretty much it is very dangerous for me to go back and there is no hope of anything good in the future anyway. Which means i am condemned to be out of it forever. As a result, i use the word exile. I am not out of it by choice.
I feel constantly very lonely. I dont know how to fit in the new society. I dont have anyone. My entire circle and social relationships were basically removed from my life, limited to few calls and text chats every now and then.
As the day approaches its end, like of the time im writing the post, i start to feel very lonely, nostaligic, and sad. It feels like the walls are closing in on me. I get something like a panic attack, i open windows and curtains, i cry, i feel shortness of breath and so on, classic panic attack or breakdown stuff.
The loneliness is unbearable. And what comes with all this is a lot of dark thoughts, like what if i never get to see my dog again, how i never really had this great group of friends i always wished i had, and so on.
I really want some help with this. Any advice. How do you just...get over it or adapt to it? the loneliness and the distance.