u/Significant-Alarm835

I’ve never had a core group of friends that I’ve felt close to, or just one single person at that really. Every past friendship I’ve had was for their own convenience, to be a butt of the jokes, to be used for money, or just an extra friend who’s just there. I decided to cut myself off from these kind of people but it ultimately lead to me being absolutely lonely to the point it’s depressing and miserable.

I’ve always get told that “it takes time” or “it’ll happen eventually” yet I’ve heard those same phrases for 2 years solid now and nothing has worked in my favour.

I’ve tried plenty of meetup groups that fit my hobbies and interests, and some just to try something new because I was getting bored of the same thing. But none of these have lead to solid friendships, just friendly acquaintances who don’t want anything else, but they will get closer with others, and it stings.

Then I get told that I’m “not meeting the right people” or “not in the right place”, but I literally am; these are atmospheres I really enjoy and vibe with because they are in sync with what I like, and there’s people who share a common ground with me, but as they don’t really give me the time of day, it has me coming to the conclusion that I’m just insufferable and add little to no value in others lives.

Maybe I’m coming off too strong, but it’s hard not to be when all I face nowadays is rejection, ghosting, and abandonment. If I stayed inside and shut the world out, nobody is gonna know me, yet if I actively get out there, people don’t want to know me. I legit can’t win.

I can’t even connect with other ND people which is the real heartbreaking part because then that really has me thinking I’m just doomed to be platonically alone until death.

Where do I begin?

Well, I’m ugly in the face, I have fat cheeks, I’m short, I have a weak jawline, barely any visible muscle, bushy eyebrows, pale skin, gap teeth, and a whiny 13-year old boy voice (I’m 23). Every outfit I try looks awful on me and I’ve been through every single style possible. I also can’t pose in photos for shit without looking dumb.

In terms of personality, I talk way too much, I can’t maintain eye contact, I get bored when others talk, my mouth always gets me into trouble, I always want attention and validation, my interests are too niche, my passions constantly switch and die out.

I have no friends, no girlfriend/boyfriend, no siblings, and emotionally neglectful parents.

I have no proper talents that make me stand out, I can’t drive, I’m not smart, I’m not athletic, I get too overwhelmed to finish projects, I lose focus, I can’t stick to any hobby over a month.

And to top it off, I have ADHD, autism and potentially BPD.

As someone who lost friends (if I can really call them that) over the years due to drifting apart, graduation, lack of shared interests etc. I’ve found myself terribly lonely all the time, always indoors doomscrolling or just wasting my spare time. Nobody ever messages me first or thinks of me; it’s always me who has to initiate only to get nothing back or flat out ghosted. I’m someone who’s seen as “out of sight out of mind” to everybody. Due to never going out due to never being invited or refusing to go out alone, my contacts were very limited.

Since the start of this year, one of my goals was to join hobby/interest clubs and meetups, as it gets me out of the house and encourages me to do something productive, and while I’ve met tons of new people, I still find myself stuck at the acquaintance stage. People are polite and friendly to me and ask for my socials, but then they never message me first and they simply become another instagram follower. I’ve tried to arrange stuff with others, and once again I’m just rejected or ignored, and it makes me just wish I never met these people in the first place because they’re clearly not getting any value out of my presence despite the supposed friendliness; my guess is that they’re too afraid to say anything to my face and their lack of effort on text is a reflection of what they think of me.

I’ve tried all the textbook advice; if I ask questions, I end up feeling like an interviewer, if I try and make myself vulnerable, I just end up oversharing. I get told to just be myself, but my personality is evidently too draining for everyone. I’ve seen others get closer and closer at the meets while I just get left behind and nobody seems to notice that. It’s like I’m some alien to others yet I’m never told what sort of things I’m doing wrong.

What really sucks is that I’ve met like-minded people with shared interests, who are just as passionate about stuff as I am, yet not even they want to connect with me.

I just can’t win.

I have AuDHD and work for a housing company in London as one of the receptionists (I’m on a 3 month contract via agency) where I deal with staff, interviewees, and visitors. There’s 2 other receptionists (let’s call them Bob and Amy) adjacent to me who deal with the residents. It’s been a pretty chill job, but there mistakes I’ve been making within the last couple of weeks, mainly verbally.

Quite recently, I’ve noticed those two are visibly are uncomfortable around me, as they go silent when I join their conversation, and always speak formally to me rather than casual; they seem to be able to have a laugh with everyone else who comes by, but with me, they’re pretty stone-faced, despite the fact my demeanour is outgoing and friendly. I try to make conversation with them, and it just ends up me being oversharing by the end; that’s just one of the problems.

One main problem is that I’ve been taking their jokes they have with others too far and i accidentally end up turning it into gossip. There’s a girl (we’ll call her Mia) in the facilities team which I’m technically part of but also not because I run one of the front desks, who is prone to sometimes dozing off in the mail room; Bob and Amy poke mild fun about this and Mia joins in as she knows it’s a joke, then when I heard about this I accidentally took it to the next level; another staff asked where Mia was and I blurted out “probably sleeping”, moments later Amy says I need to shut up because stuff like that will get her into trouble if a manager finds out. They said the jokes fine between those two and Mia but I not only said it once to a staff, but another time to someone else. For all I know they could’ve been managers/higher ups, but my mouth got the better of me. I did apologise to Amy for taking it too far and she said it’s fine.

Today, I said stuff I shouldn’t have once again. A resident came in for keys from a separate company in our building, which I deal with; Bob and Amy deal with the main company keys. I couldn’t find the keys as they weren’t handed to me prior and the resident was getting inpatient. Instead of just apologising and reassuring the person, I was getting very anxious and saying “they didn’t tell me this” and “they never communicate with me”. Eventually I called someone from that group down to hand the keys over, and my tone with him was audibly frustrated; I basically repeated what I said to the resident to him. Once he’d gone back up and the resident was gone, Bob and Amy pull me over to tell me that was one of the managers I was talking to like that and he could easily report me, as well as the fact it looks bad on them, and I instantly felt regretful and crappy.

I should’ve just kept calm and shut my mouth for once. For the rest of the day I was silent and Bob and Amy didn’t even question it. Luckily my line manager was off otherwise she would’ve been gobsmacked too.

Thank god this is only a temporary job, because I can’t imagine myself staying there long term as everything I’m saying is just upsetting and annoying people and it’s making me even more unlikeable than I already am. I just know my whole team hates me; I can read their tone and facial expressions so well.

I’ve come to the solid conclusion that I’m the problem for all my failed friendships, or why I can’t turn acquaintances into friends. I used to say to myself “it’s not me, it’s them” or “I’ve not met the right people yet”.

The thing is, I’ve always been going to the right places, always been meeting the right people, but how I act is clearly so off-putting as people don’t want to know me. I’ve joined over 10 hobby groups this year that suit my interests, and I’ve not formed a single friendship out of it to do stuff outside the meets with people. I try and reach out over text and get zero effort back. I try to arrange hangouts and get rejected, and then I see the same people out with their friends, so it has me thinking I’m bugging them.

What really winds me up is how people are excited and friendly around me in-person and acts like we’re best friends, but when it comes to text, absolutely nothing; my take from this is that people are just being polite or faking kindness.

And honestly..it’s no wonder…

I infodump about my interests to everyone in the vicinity, I’m overly hyper, I lose eye contact when people are talking, I fake interest when people talk about something I don’t care about, I struggle with empathy, I never know when to read the room or be quiet, I’m blunt and insult people without realising, I’ll try and find a better story over the one someone has just told me, I’m not conventionally attractive, and my voice is very annoying; it’s surprisingly not monotone but it’s just so whiny and sounds like a bratty pre-pubescent teen.

I hate how my brain works and how it controls my words and actions. It find it so difficult to like myself when nobody else does. I blame myself for how I am rather than my emotionally neglectful parents.

I wish I could get therapy but there are none open when I’m not working; I’m happy to be employed and making decent money at least.

I’m 22 trying to find more neurodivergent (mainly ADHD) social Meetup groups within the South London area to find potential new friends. I’m a little lonely at times and don’t have a group of friends, nor any sense of community at that.

I’ve tried Meetup, and joined one called Yay-DHD, and went to a picnic, but someone got me and some other people there very high on drugs. And someone told me that a man in the group has previously tried to spike and SA young women, so I thought to dodge that from now on.

I just really crave a neurodivergent community I can be myself in without having to mask. I wanna meet other outgoing high energy people who love to talk about their hyperfixations. Neurotypical people can’t put up with me.

I’m AudHD and sadly a chronic oversharer/info dumper towards anyone who comes into my life who isn’t my immediate family, and my habits tend to push others away because I’m just too much for them. It’s a relentless cycle because it makes me constantly needy, clingy, and wanting to be the centre of attention. I really don’t mean to be, but it’s how my brain is wired and I think it has to do with my childhood and upbringing.

I’m madly lonely when I’m at home and my mum is usually just on her phone or watching tv; I can’t even recall the last time we ate dinner together since Christmas. She’s single and I’m an only child too so that doesn’t help. I was trying to actually talk to her about something the other day and she told me to shut up because she was watching a show, so that hurt.

When it comes to my dad, I’m often quiet and get irritated by him (I have a lot of built up resentment towards him). When he asks me something I just give a vague answer back or a simple yes or no. If I ever do feel like having a proper conversation with him, 9 times out of 10 he’ll turn it into a lecture or an argument and I get even more angry and just go silent on him or will leave the room/area.

I remember he asked my about an exam result in front of all his friends when we were out and when I said I failed he was visibly upset, and it became an a heated argument to the point I just left and went home. Then he had the nerve to tell me on the phone I embarrassed him in front of everyone.

I don’t feel the slightest bit of comfort when talking to my parents, no matter the topic, because I know there’s going to be a repercussion to it. Anybody else, friends, co-workers, even random people on the street, I can talk my balls off, because I’m not with them 24/7.

People just don’t see a need to make an effort to want to be my friend because A. they already have enough people in their life and aren’t willing to add more people and B. they see no value in me and don’t have the time for me.

And it’s no wonder: I’m autistic with ADHD, I miss social cues, I can’t listen properly without interrupting or losing eye contact, I overshare/infodump, I can’t drive, I’m fat, short and ugly, my interests are too weird/cringe, my hobbies are too niche, my passions always change or die out, my personality is too much/incompatible for everyone, I always talk about the same topics, and I have a whiny sounding voice that makes me sound like a 10 year old.

The only one thing I’m happy about myself is that I’m employed and making good money.

I’m AudHD and sadly a chronic oversharer/info dumper towards anyone who comes into my life who isn’t my immediate family, and my habits tend to push others away because I’m just too much for them. It’s a relentless cycle because it makes me constantly needy, clingy, and wanting to be the centre of attention. I really don’t mean to be, but it’s how my brain is wired and I think it has to do with my childhood and upbringing.

I’m madly lonely when I’m at home and my mum is usually just on her phone or watching tv; I can’t even recall the last time we ate dinner together since Christmas. She’s single and I’m an only child too so that doesn’t help. I was trying to actually talk to her about something the other day and she told me to shut up because she was watching a show, so that hurt.

When it comes to my dad, I’m often quiet and get irritated by him (I have a lot of built up resentment towards him). When he asks me something I just give a vague answer back or a simple yes or no. If I ever do feel like having a proper conversation with him, 9 times out of 10 he’ll turn it into a lecture or an argument and I get even more angry and just go silent on him or will leave the room/area.

I remember he asked my about an exam result in front of all his friends when we were out and when I said I failed he was visibly upset, and it became an a heated argument to the point I just left and went home. Then he had the nerve to tell me on the phone I embarrassed him in front of everyone.

I don’t feel the slightest bit of comfort when talking to my parents, no matter the topic, because I know there’s going to be a repercussion to it. Anybody else, friends, co-workers, even random people on the street, I can talk my balls off, because I’m not with them 24/7.

With every person I’ve met in life who I’d want to befriend or get close with, I never seem to make it past basic acquaintance level, if that.

I’ve always deluded myself saying the person is a bad texter or just busy, but lately, the reality is starting to sink in: there is no such thing as a bad texter, they just don’t show an ounce of interest in me.

It feels like I’m the designated "initiator" for every single person I know. If I don't reach out first, my phone is as dry as the Sahara desert. People can put so much effort with others and I always see them out having fun, but when it comes to me, it’s like I’m some sort of alien scaring them away.

I’ve tried everything to get people to take a somewhat minimum level of interest in me. I’ve tried asking questions, but I just get one word answers back, not even a “how about you?” I’ve tried sending things that I’m up to, but I just get left on read. I’ve tried asking people to meet up, but I get flat out rejection or ghosted. The real stinger is when I see “liked/reacted to your message” because I read it as a passive aggressive way to leave them alone, and I do.

I don’t mind if it’s the one person, but it’s literally everyone within my vicinity, from school friends, uni friends, people at work, or even hobby groups. It’s even people who are alike to me in personality and interests but not even they have the time of day for me. Even other autistic people can’t seem to vibe with me either.

I just think I’m too much for everyone, yet even when I do the most minimal to pique someone’s interest, that doesn’t work either. It’s all or nothing for me, sadly.

I’m 22M, and can only count one person in my life who has stuck by me for years, but they live 8 hours away, so we don’t meet much in person due to distance and busy work schedules. She has her group of friends and I’m really happy for her and glad we still talk to each other.

As for everyone else within a much closer proximity, all those so-called friendships were just mere acquaintances; i was a minor fragment to them when i considered them a good chunk of my life. From school, sixth form, uni, work, and even hobby groups, I’ve just been unable to click with anybody, and I just end up lonely despite knowing so many people who have come and gone in my life.

There’s a constant pattern that’s sadly become recognisable: I meet someone in-person, we get along, we get each others socials, I will never hear from them again unless I reach out, and if I do, their replies are short and evidently dismissive, and I stop, then we never talk again. The stinging part is how they can make so much effort with others whilst I get left behind. I would delude myself and think they’re just a bad texter or a low-maintenance person, but that proved to be wrong, because when it came to me, there’s just no energy they give back.

A few months back, I was finally diagnosed with both ADHD and Autism, so that certainly changed my perspective of the way I socialise and the way I’m perceived by everyone. I thought to myself, maybe I just need to find ND groups, but not even that worked in my favour because I’m either too weird for them or too neurotypical, so I’m just stuck in a cycle. I did make one autistic friend at a dodgeball club, but he ended up sexually harassing me and tried to pass it off as “no homo”, so I cut him off completely and haven’t been to the club since.

I’m constantly putting myself out there and I really crave social connection, especially as I’m extroverted, yet other extroverts find me too draining, which is something I’d think only introverts would think. I’ve joined countless of hobby groups that I’m really passionate about, yet people I’ve met who I share so much in common with reject me too. I hate seeing how everyone can get close within a couple weeks, yet I can’t even get out the acquaintance stage so many months in.

Of course all the meets I go to are fun to go to and people seem to enjoy my company during the moment, but it’s dead silent after we go home. I can’t get a word out of them unless I initiate, and there’s nothing given back, yet the next meet they’re so happy around me; I think it’s just courtesy instead of genuine interest.

I’ve followed the “try and listen more instead of talking” advice, but people aren’t willing to interact with me properly, so therefore I end up talking to fill the void. I’ve tried the ask more questions route, and I get short and blunt responses. I’ve tried the go out alone thing, and nobody notices me. Nobody would look at me and think “wow I’d like to befriend him”; it’s always me who has to do the approaching, and on the odd occasion someone does approach first, they’ll end up getting bored with me anyway.

I’ve addressed this problem with my parents countless of times, but all they say is to stop playing the victim. Never had they said the right people will come or I’m befriending the wrong people. They don’t seem to really give a hoot I’m alone most of the time (my mum hasn’t got many friends either, so there’s that). My dad is very popular and charismatic, and 1/3 of my personality is identical to his, yet somehow this is off putting to others while he can get away with it. I’m starting to wonder if I was emotionally neglected in my childhood because my deep desire for people can’t have just stemmed from nothing.

At the moment, I’m on a goal to lose weight and become fitter, because maybe if I was more good-looking, I’d get ahead somehow.

I can only count one person in my life who has stuck by me for years, but they live 8 hours away, so we don’t meet much in person due to distance and busy work schedules.

As for everyone else within a much closer proximity, all those so-called friendships were just mere acquaintances; i was a minor fragment to them when i considered them a good chunk of my life. From school, sixth form, uni, work, and even hobby groups, I’ve just been unable to click with anybody, and I just end up lonely despite knowing so many people who have come and gone in my life.

There’s a constant pattern that’s sadly become recognisable: I meet someone in-person, we get along, we get each others socials, I will never hear from them again unless I reach out, and if I do, their replies are short and evidently dismissive, and I stop, then we never talk again. The stinging part is how they can make so much effort with others whilst I get left behind.

A few months back, I was finally diagnosed with both ADHD and Autism, so that certainly changed my perspective of the way I socialise and the way I’m perceived by everyone. I thought to myself, maybe I just need to find ND groups, but not even that worked in my favour because I’m either too weird for them or too neurotypical, so I’m just stuck in a cycle. I did make one autistic friend at a dodgeball, but he ended up sexually harassing me, so I cut him off completely.

I’m constantly putting myself out there and I really crave social connection, especially as I’m extroverted, yet other extroverts find me too draining, which is something I’d think only introverts would think. I’ve joined countless of hobby groups that I’m really passionate about, yet people I’ve met who I share so much in common with reject me too. I hate seeing how everyone can get close within a couple weeks, yet I can’t even get out the acquaintance stage so many months in.

I’ve followed the “try and listen more instead of talking” advice, but people aren’t willing to interact with me properly, so therefore I end up talking to fill the void. I’ve tried the ask more questions route, and I get short and blunt responses. I’ve tried the go out alone thing, and nobody notices me.

I’ve addressed this problem with my parents countless of times, but all they say is to stop playing the victim. Never had they said the right people will come or I’m befriending the wrong people. They don’t seem to really give a hoot I’m alone most of the time (my mum hasn’t got many friends either, so there’s that).

At the moment, I’m on a goal to lose weight and become fitter, because maybe if I was more good-looking, I’d get ahead somehow.

I ask this because I’ve been reflecting a lot on my personality recently and how much it’s changed, and not necessarily for the better, because I’ve released being talkative and sociable hasn’t given me proper friendships, and it’s instead made me annoying.

When I was young, I was extremely shy and hated talking to people, particularly other children my age, yet didn’t seem to have much issue with adults or my parents (I’m an only child, so there’s always that). I faced relentless bullying for being a little feminine for a guy and was too afraid to say anything back to people; I either kept my mouth shut or just cried.

I used to HATE going out in public because of other people. If my mum bumped into a friend, I’d hide behind her. If I saw people from my school, I’d turn the other way.

In secondary school, I had a group of friends, and I was the quietest in the group and was mostly the listener; I’d only talk openly on 1-1’s and in groups I kept quiet because I’d usually get interrupted anyway. I was invited to hang out countless of times, but I’d always make excuses because I still hated going out and being seen. I was like this until I was around 16 or so.

When my group split due to changing schools for sixth form, I randomly grew a sense of confidence and spoke much more, however, this didn’t really grant me friends, as I still second guessed what I just said or overthought what to say.

Uni really taught me I had to put myself out there and socialise with everyone I could, and even in doing so, I still ended up rather alone, which ultimately made me begging for validation and approval from everyone just so they’d like me.

Fast forward to today, I’m 22, and I’m a very outgoing person and a slight risk-taker, but this has given me a personality that makes people uncomfortable as my high-energy and willingness makes me too much for everyone who comes into my life.

It’s strange how i somehow had more friends when I said less, but I don’t want to go back to being that person anymore.