u/Slow-Squirrel-2799

Today I met my husband after one month during which we had minimum interaction digitally as well because he could not spare time on account of work and I understood. I was away also to visit my family for a few days. When I came back I already got a very cold welcome from my mil thought my husband greeted me warmly. Like overall body language was warm but he gave me a quick hug and a kiss on the cheek. Then at dinner his mother accused me on spoiling my kid and spoiling the environment because I refuse to give my kid a phone to play on during the meal. So I was furious because this is constant, husband being around didn't help and he also blames me for not disciplining the child. Anyway it's a toxic cycle so this time I was like enough. I'm done being the bad guy. I gave my kid the phone and now I've decided not to discipline at all. They can all just deal with the consequences of their actions. The grandparents need to learn their enabler behaviour. Tomorrow I will not say no to TV or phone. And I will let them run however long. After this when the child exhibits aggressive or hyperactive behaviour then they just have to sort it out themselves because they have SO much more experience in this cuz they raised their kids two decades ago.

Anyway we went to visit some relatives where my kid had soft drinks and crisps and chocolates all of which I normally say no to. My husband was pretty annoyed with me for not stopping if. Because if I don't then he has to be the bad guy. And his parents undermined him too. But I was clear, I said I'm done. So what you want.

Other than this we had a fairly okay evening. He made some remarks which were hurtful but honestly I'm used to it. Like making fun of how many aunts I have or claiming loudly how I never massage his head when it hurts (even though I always do) or how I said I'm taking the stairs to the 10th floor but I actually took the elevator by floor 3 (again not true I wanted to get some steps in). He doesn't like the way I look so I'm trying to lose weight but he has no hope for me and it's demotivating. Even on the drive over I was trying to ask about his trip and he thought some of my questions about his work were stupid and I told him this is why I don't ask you, instead of explaining you make fun of me and then he complains that I'm not interested in his work.

Now we are home and my kid didn't want to sleep with me, it's really late, well past midnight and I'm sure my kid is up with some visiting cousins. I standing by my lack of discipline am being totally laid back and not saying anything. On the other hand I thought my husband and I could reconnect. While he finished praying I did some meditation and he came and then slept. Not a minute had past and I just gave him a small peck on the cheek and he flinched.

It's not a one time thing, when we initially got married I was very affectionate but I felt he rejected me a lot so I stopped saying I love you and I stopped trying to hug and kiss because I was met with such a reluctant person who never felt it was the right time. It's really affected our intimacy. And my emotional well being. Because I need validation from him but I feel like all I get is criticism. I truly feel I never will be good enough. And if he actually returned some of my affection I wouldn't feel the need to change him at all. But his priorities just don't include me.

Honestly I feel upset and I feel worse writing about this here. Of course he's not all bad. And I'm actively trying to make myself think positively. I tried to not let the situation with his mother come between us. But I'm upset now. I'm 30F and he's 35m. It's depressing. Please no comments about not talking about this on Reddit. It doesn't matter because it's anonymous. No one knows us here so it's okay.

I just want to know if anyone else has faced a situation like this. I feel all I can do is make dua and do sabr. I considered divorce for a long time but now I've decided against it. So bus. I've made myself strong over time. Maybe at some point even this won't affect me.

​

When I had my first kid, my husband did not give me anything, not even flowers whereas when he and his siblings were born his mum received very hefty gold jewellery from his dad. So I think somewhat to cover for this shortsightedness on her son's part my mil decided to give me a pendant set.

Well she had two of the same, both made from real agate/aqeeq from Iran but one had a pendant and the other didnt. So since I had the option I chose the one with the pendant, because gold is an asset right, even though the other one was more wearable. Okay and this is back when gold was reasonable, in 2019 or 2020.

When I got it I remember I wore it a few times then I kept it in the locker. I distinctly even remember the outfits I wore it with. But for years it was in the locker for safety reasons. Anyway she keeps saying you have never worn it not even one time. And I tell her I have. And she's just always on my case about it. And I think she just regrets giving it to me. This is how our exchange went just now:

Mil: you have NEVER worn it

Me: no I have worn it, I remember wearing it

Mil: No NEVER EVER

Me: I remember wearing it with the brown dress you gave me. It's all I wore with it.

Mil: Nahi you've never worn it

You get the drift.

More context: I have received more gold from them than her other kids but that was their decision as a family. And I had warned them against it before I was married. But they were very happy so they made unplanned purchases. Gold was like 50-60k per tola at the time. So maybe that's another reason why she regrets it.

Conclusion:

It's mine so I want to wear it but I need an occasion as well. but after the nagging I'm thinking of telling her you take it back which will offend her so I have two options instead.

Either I ask her to exchange her earrings with my pendant set. Or I tell her to take the pendant.

Also because the set was too dangly for everyday wear and too light for proper wedding wear I had some more beads added to it and this hand made dori that my sil was discarding added to the pendant to make it seem like a proper wedding, or formal type set.

I am also considering taking the aqeeq part out and making this into studs that I'll definitely wear regularly and keeping the dangly kundan bits as part of the larger set.

Idk what to do now. I'm confused. All I know is I'm annoyed.

FYI: overall amount of gold is probably less than a tola. Idk the value of the stones except it has emotional value. But there's four small kundan pieces in both earrings and the pendant has a thin gold frame around the center stone.

Need gym clothes. Thank you please. Something economical.

NSFW NSFW. NSFW

TRIGGER WARNING ⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️

so this dude sent me a DM and I accepted because it was related to a post in another sub. And my post was about problems with mil. So bro spoke about his mom and how close they are. A fairly normal conversation progressed. Seemed like a mamas boy but nope. It took a bad turn. First he said his mom's possessive. And then he said his mom did naughty things with him. I asked what? He said do you really want to know. I was trying not to think the worst. Even though it was phrased SO WEIRD. And in this context it was about him as a KID. Anyway I said your response is so cagey. I hope you don't mean anything strange. But sure. And his reply was he will tell me once we get to know one another more. That was enough for me. I blocked him.

I feel creeped out and I also feel bad. I mean come on. It's obvious right??? Or am I thinking on a bad tangent. He seemed pretty nice and normal. But DAYUM the internet is full of strange.

Some context:

I need to vent but I feel bad because honestly at this stage in life it's not even a big deal anymore. And honestly I just keep thinking I'll be giving hisaab for this in aakhirah. But once upon a time this tormented me. And I think this kind of criticism and the way I internalised it really set the tone for the depressing state my marriage fell into from at the very start. And this realisation made me want to share this. Even tho now I'm at a point when I can give my mil the benefit of doubt; old age, exhaustion, bad health, stress etc.

What happened: mil, fil, and aunt went out for a sombre visit to a sick relative. Mil and I discussed what needs to be done for dinner before she left. Aunts kids asked our cook for pasta. He came and told me and I called mil to suggest that we should just make that for everyone rather than make two things. Cook is really a boy we've trained very well to handle cooking but he still needs supervision.

So anyway I told him make the pasta. Kids are here for the summer and have asked him periodically to make it for them in small quantities as a snack and they liked it. Usually when it's cooked for the fam either I or my mil oversee it. Because my mil thinks he will just not get it right. Even though I think he does a good job when left to his own devices. Anyway the cook was low-key annoyed that he was being told to make this last minute (I don't get why. He was already gonna make it. Now he had to make one less thing). Anyway he said mil will not like the pasta that the kids will like and vice versa. I told him just

Add the veggies and make it how kids will like it.

He made it, I dealt with his annoyed outburst too patiently. I checked the food. It tasted good to me. I served food to all the kids. Ensured less spicy option was available for my fil. Made myself a plate. And was done. Good job. Pat on the back.

But no.

Mil came, went and served cold water to her because I know she likes it as soon as she comes home and I thought she'd be exhausted. Boy served the food. I went off to get ready for bed. After a while mil comes and asks who made the pasta. I tell her. And she says it was bad. Dry, tasteless, just bad. And she left.

Now because it was my responsibility, this is a failure on my part and I take it personally. And it doesn't matter to her if I say I liked it. I would never serve food I didn't personally like. Anyway. I went and asked the kids if they liked it and they did. Usually they dont. I have yet to ask their mom. My kid enjoyed it too. And I did too

I felt frustrated. Because food being not up to standard is a big deal to my mil. It creates problems. And then it dawned on me that I dont have to take it so seriously. And I suddenly realized, as a new bride I was so eager to take care of my husband. But it always had to be just so. Standards and expectations were SO HIGH that I was barely living up to them. As a fresh grad with no experience in house keeping or cooking or anything iw as expected to know how to care for a grown man who did absolutely nothing himself. And I would've done it happily. If I burnt his roti he wouldn't even say anything. If he could t find something he would shout at me but I'd argue back and tell him to grow up. I feel like we would've trained eachother easily on our own.

I'd spend an hour making his breakfast that others might spend 10 mins on and it wouldn't be okay and my mil would be disappointed and scold me and I'd forget idk badam? Or doodh? And bus. Frustration would come out on husband because I had to suffer because of him. Literally made us bitter with each other. I couldn't have a happy attitude because I was doing thankless work. She would appreciate my cooking but after criticising me. It was awful. Thank god for this boy we have now. He has taken a load off my shoulders. My husband and I can have a real relationship now focused on parenting, emotional connection, and dealing with adult problems together. Because of this weird dynamic I couldn't even ask him for money in the early days because there was so much check on spending. Which is in stark contrast to how other girls from their family spent when they got married. I really was a push over.

My mil never wanted my husband and I to be distant from one another. She has always wanted our relationship to be strong. But sometimes when we are insecure about a new person coming in and the possibility of them having new ways we feel the need to establish control and dominance. And in doing so I was suffocated and my marriage suffered till I finally realized that nobody else matters as much as my husband. And if he's okay with me then that's what matters.

Talk about growth right.

Thanks for reading this far. I guess I wanted to think out loud. And I'll say this I have a good relationship with my mil now. She understands me and I understand her and we've found harmony. I respect her like a mother. But sometimes mom's trigger us too right. Anyway. Yeah.

Some context:

I need to vent but I feel bad because honestly at this stage in life it's not even a big deal anymore. And honestly I just keep thinking I'll be giving hisaab for this in aakhirah. But once upon a time this tormented me. And I think this kind of criticism and the way I internalised it really set the tone for the depressing state my marriage fell into from at the very start. And this realisation made me want to share this. Even tho now I'm at a point when I can give my mil the benefit of doubt; old age, exhaustion, bad health, stress etc.

What happened: mil, fil, and aunt went out for a sombre visit to a sick relative. Mil and I discussed what needs to be done for dinner before she left. Aunts kids asked our cook for pasta. He came and told me and I called mil to suggest that we should just make that for everyone rather than make two things. Cook is really a boy we've trained very well to handle cooking but he still needs supervision.

So anyway I told him make the pasta. Kids are here for the summer and have asked him periodically to make it for them in small quantities as a snack and they liked it. Usually when it's cooked for the fam either I or my mil oversee it. Because my mil thinks he will just not get it right. Even though I think he does a good job when left to his own devices. Anyway the cook was low-key annoyed that he was being told to make this last minute (I don't get why. He was already gonna make it. Now he had to make one less thing). Anyway he said mil will not like the pasta that the kids will like and vice versa. I told him just

Add the veggies and make it how kids will like it.

He made it, I dealt with his annoyed outburst too patiently. I checked the food. It tasted good to me. I served food to all the kids. Ensured less spicy option was available for my fil. Made myself a plate. And was done. Good job. Pat on the back.

But no.

Mil came, went and served cold water to her because I know she likes it as soon as she comes home and I thought she'd be exhausted. Boy served the food. I went off to get ready for bed. After a while mil comes and asks who made the pasta. I tell her. And she says it was bad. Dry, tasteless, just bad. And she left.

Now because it was my responsibility, this is a failure on my part and I take it personally. And it doesn't matter to her if I say I liked it. I would never serve food I didn't personally like. Anyway. I went and asked the kids if they liked it and they did. Usually they dont. I have yet to ask their mom. My kid enjoyed it too. And I did too.

I felt frustrated. Because food being not up to standard is a big deal to my mil. It creates problems. And then it dawned on me that I dont have to take it so seriously. And I suddenly realized, as a new bride I was so eager to take care of my husband. But it always had to be just so. Standards and expectations were SO HIGH that I was barely living up to them. As a fresh grad with no experience in house keeping or cooking or anything iw as expected to know how to care for a grown man who did absolutely nothing himself. And I would've done it happily. If I burnt his roti he wouldn't even say anything. If he could t find something he would shout at me but I'd argue back and tell him to grow up. I feel like we would've trained eachother easily on our own.

I'd spend an hour making his breakfast that others might spend 10 mins on and it wouldn't be okay and my mil would be disappointed and scold me and I'd forget idk badam? Or doodh? And bus. Frustration would come out on husband because I had to suffer because of him. Literally made us bitter with each other. I couldn't have a happy attitude because I was doing thankless work. She would appreciate my cooking but after criticising me. It was awful. Thank god for this boy we have now. He has taken a load off my shoulders. My husband and I can have a real relationship now focused on parenting, emotional connection, and dealing with adult problems together. Because of this weird dynamic I couldn't even ask him for money in the early days because there was so much check on spending. Which is in stark contrast to how other girls from their family spent when they got married. I really was a push over.

My mil never wanted my husband and I to be distant from one another. She has always wanted our relationship to be strong. But sometimes when we are insecure about a new person coming in and the possibility of them having new ways we feel the need to establish control and dominance. And in doing so I was suffocated and my marriage suffered till I finally realized that nobody else matters as much as my husband. And if he's okay with me then that's what matters.

Talk about growth right.

Thanks for reading this far. I guess I wanted to think out loud. And I'll say this I have a good relationship with my mil now. She understands me and I understand her and we've found harmony. I respect her like a mother. But sometimes mom's trigger us too right. Anyway. Yeah.

If yes, then please don't. Learn from the Sunnah. Be like our Prophet SAW. Be tolerant. Don't pass judgment. We are only humans. We are insignificant. Only Allah knows best. And only He can decide what to do with his people.

Some context:

I need to vent but I feel bad because honestly at this stage in life it's not even a big deal anymore. And honestly I just keep thinking I'll be giving hisaab for this in aakhirah. But once upon a time this tormented me. And I think this kind of criticism and the way I internalised it really set the tone for the depressing state my marriage fell into from at the very start. And this realisation made me want to share this. Even tho now I'm at a point when I can give my mil the benefit of doubt; old age, exhaustion, bad health, stress etc.

​

What happened: mil, fil, and aunt went out for a sombre visit to a sick relative. Mil and I discussed what needs to be done for dinner before she left. Aunts kids asked our cook for pasta. He came and told me and I called mil to suggest that we should just make that for everyone rather than make two things. Cook is really a boy we've trained very well to handle cooking but he still needs supervision.

So anyway I told him make the pasta. Kids are here for the summer and have asked him periodically to make it for them in small quantities as a snack and they liked it. Usually when it's cooked for the fam either I or my mil oversee it. Because my mil thinks he will just not get it right. Even though I think he does a good job when left to his own devices. Anyway the cook was low-key annoyed that he was being told to make this last minute (I don't get why. He was already gonna make it. Now he had to make one less thing). Anyway he said mil will not like the pasta that the kids will like and vice versa. I told him just

Add the veggies and make it how kids will like it.

He made it, I dealt with his annoyed outburst too patiently. I checked the food. It tasted good to me. I served food to all the kids. Ensured less spicy option was available for my fil. Made myself a plate. And was done. Good job. Pat on the back.

​

But no.

​

Mil came, went and served cold water to her because I know she likes it as soon as she comes home and I thought she'd be exhausted. Boy served the food. I went off to get ready for bed. After a while mil comes and asks who made the pasta. I tell her. And she says it was bad. Dry, tasteless, just bad. And she left.

​

Now because it was my responsibility, this is a failure on my part and I take it personally. And it doesn't matter to her if I say I liked it. I would never serve food I didn't personally like. Anyway. I went and asked the kids if they liked it and they did. Usually they dont. I have yet to ask their mom. My kid enjoyed it too. And I did too.

​

I felt frustrated. Because food being not up to standard is a big deal to my mil. It creates problems. And then it dawned on me that I dont have to take it so seriously. And I suddenly realized, as a new bride I was so eager to take care of my husband. But it always had to be just so. Standards and expectations were SO HIGH that I was barely living up to them. As a fresh grad with no experience in house keeping or cooking or anything iw as expected to know how to care for a grown man who did absolutely nothing himself. And I would've done it happily. If I burnt his roti he wouldn't even say anything. If he could t find something he would shout at me but I'd argue back and tell him to grow up. I feel like we would've trained eachother easily on our own.

I'd spend an hour making his breakfast that others might spend 10 mins on and it wouldn't be okay and my mil would be disappointed and scold me and I'd forget idk badam? Or doodh? And bus. Frustration would come out on husband because I had to suffer because of him. Literally made us bitter with each other. I couldn't have a happy attitude because I was doing thankless work. She would appreciate my cooking but after criticising me. It was awful. Thank god for this boy we have now. He has taken a load off my shoulders. My husband and I can have a real relationship now focused on parenting, emotional connection, and dealing with adult problems together. Because of this weird dynamic I couldn't even ask him for money in the early days because there was so much check on spending. Which is in stark contrast to how other girls from their family spent when they got married. I really was a push over.

​

My mil never wanted my husband and I to be distant from one another. She has always wanted our relationship to be strong. But sometimes when we are insecure about a new person coming in and the possibility of them having new ways we feel the need to establish control and dominance. And in doing so I was suffocated and my marriage suffered till I finally realized that nobody else matters as much as my husband. And if he's okay with me then that's what matters.

​

Talk about growth right.

Thanks for reading this far. I guess I wanted to think out loud. And I'll say this I have a good relationship with my mil now. She understands me and I understand her and we've found harmony. I respect her like a mother. But sometimes mom's trigger us too right. Anyway. Yeah.

I was on call with my husband and he showed me. It was breathtaking and he could see the whole thing. Did anyone happen. To take a picture?

Seems fake. They claim to sell original designer goods.

.

So

Parents are the one who brings their children into this world. They're responsible for their child's upbringing and everything that comes with it.

But many people(parents)don't really think about whether they're financially able to provide for a child. Sometimes (maybe even most of the time ig) they have children because of societal pressure even when their situation isn't good enough to provide everything a child may need. And that's a MATTER

I mean if you know your financial situation is difficult and you can barely afford basic things then why bring a child into the world if you'll struggle to provide for them?

It's alright if you want a child but at least take a realistic look at your circumstances. Can you actually afford to raise one???

You brought a child into this world because of society's expectations and now that child is left dealing with the consequences. Children have wishes!!!. They have dreams!!!.

But many of those dreams remain unfulfilled because their parents simply can't afford them.

An only child who've never been to any fancy restaurants and can't buy things beyond a certain price range. It's not like living a miserable life. I know many people have it much worse than this. But still they do have wishes!!!. They want to hang out with friends!!!. They want to go out!!!. They want to visit beautiful places!!!. They want to buy random things for themselves sometimes!!!.

But guess what? Their parents can't afford

And then they find themselves wondering what's their fault in all of this? The child didn't choose to be here. Parents brought the child into this world and now what? They can't go out alone and can't do many of the things they want to do. Why?

They literally can't. They CAN'T.

IT FEELS LIKE THEY'VE LITERALLY WASTED THEIR TEENAGE YEARS. THEY SEE PEOPLE ENJOYING THEIR LIVES WHILE THAT CHILD IS JUST STUCK IN THE FOUR WALLS.

Yet the child can't even say any of this to the parents because they're parents

And by regular I mean every month or every other month

Questions based on SPOILERS ahead:

​

How did Maddie go from her kid dying and Caspian dying to gathering materials to build a Dyson sphere? Whattt?

​

And WHY does everyone forget about the Dyson sphere once they enter a reality? Why did Caspian forget his interaction with David? Why did David forget the sphere? It seems random.

​

Why did Maddie and Caspian choose not to go back to that same reality she pulled Caspian from???? Why did they want to go back to that other reality to a time before they fell in love? How did she discard Dave like that??? They just overcomplicated their reunion. Idk. It was weird

​

Also WHY do they not show the center of the universe!!!!!!

​

There's so much more. I think I need to watch this show three more times. Or maybe five to just fully wrap my head around everything.

​

Also Am I the only one who was fully reminded of interstellar when safe search came back in the mix?!?!?

So my in laws, the moms, have this habit of always complimenting their kids, singing their praises, and pretty much being blind to the obvious character flaws. Or if they aren't blind to them then just never acknowledge them either. Even in front of close relatives like siblings and like the people you live with.

​

My parents didn't do that. They were very clear about not inflating our sense of self. And whereas that did create some insecurities but it also allowed us to be very aware of our flaws and human qualities. None of my siblings think we are better than anyone else, not in a way where we have to proclaim it in front of other people (another thing I've noticed in my in laws kids). I find as a family we are also more vocal about our issues with one another and quick to get over it and don't linger on it if offense is taken. It's easier to apologize too. I mean love is unconditional. Maybe it's because I'm an outsider in this family so my position and relations are very conditional.

​

I have a kid and I also try to be very grounded as a mother. They chide me for calling my kid out all the time. I get not doing it in front of anyone but they also say abhi age Nahi hoi ye batain samajhnay ki.

​

But I mean also with other kids, including my spouse, the cousins. It's weird how right they think they are all the time. And the complete inability to apologize. And no physical affections either. Like hugging your siblings. It's just weird.

​

This decade younger cousin literally screamed and I called them out and screamed back and all the adults called me out for not holding myself back as the older person. Mind you this other person is also an adult who was throwing a literal tantrum, one of many frequent episodes.

​

I'm just wondering is this common in most Pakistani families? Do mothers just needlessly encourage and cover for their children? Even in front of the dads. I know I've been asked to lie for my husband to make him look good in front of my fil. Recently I outrightly refused to do so. Idk. These practices just don't sit right with me.

​

I love my kid more than anything but I want them to turn out into a strong independent person who is also kind and empathetic. Sometimes it just feels like these practices breed narcissists. It's unnatural to not be able to apologize!!!! And I've seen this at every age.

​

Thank you for readings.. thoughts and comments please.

https://ir.iba.edu.pk/sslace/241/

Weavers in the looming shadows

Please help urgently, it's super relevant to my work. I can't access it because I'm not an iba student. Please be kind 🙏🙈

https://ir.iba.edu.pk/sslace/241/

Weavers in the looming shadows

Please help urgently, it's super relevant to my work. I can't access it because I'm not an iba student. Please be kind 🙏🙈

Edit: such a DEAD ASS COMMUNITY. If anyone asked for something similar from a database I had access to then I would really stop and think. I'd share the knowledge. The 253 people who've seen this so far are absolute deadbeats.

May Allah bless you all and grant all your duas. And may Pakistan head towards prosperity for it's citizens. Ameen.