u/Soggy-Mixture9671

Changed my name with my school last week, kinda on a whim, but I've also been intending to. It got processed and my name has changed on things and that's awesome, but then I realized that this means I NEED to let my work know, especially if the name attached to my email changes 😭 it's giving me so much anxiety because I absolutely hate telling people. I could barely tell my friends and family and now I have to tell near-STRANGERS?? No one is ultimately going to give a fuck, but I'm just dreading having to do it. Yucky yuck yuck. I wish I could do all of this without anyone seeing.

So I semi recently figured out I'm trans and finally submitted a name change request with the school and it got approved today. I haven't come out at work yet just because idrk how and don't wanna make a big deal of it, but I just realized that the name on my email is probably going to change. Should I just shoot my boss a "Hey btw the name on my email is going to change" email and be chill about it, or should i go to my hr person, or like, what,,, I haven't even been working there long and idk if that makes this better or worse

Kind of a rant, but I wanna see if anyone else can relate and apply mbti to this:

I think this is a genuinely annoying trait of mine where I will always pick apart an argument (in my head, mostly) no matter what it is and if I agree with it or not. It's easy when it's for an opinion I don't agree with where the logic is bad and misinformation is being spread, but I do it for things I agree with, too, because I still hate to see logical inconsistencies ESPECIALLY when it's something I care about. I also hate when people make blanket statements that don't account for nuance or anything. I KNOW constantly picking things apart and aiming for 100% truth and accuracy is annoying and unproductive, and maybe even harmful sometimes, but man do I have such a strong urge to do it. Like I can't really have a solid opinion on anything because I'm always absorbing and applying new information and opinions and viewpoints, and that might be a good thing sometimes, but Im also worried it makes me look bad from an outside point of view. And Im also sure that I'm not correct all of the time which is kinda why I leave my opinions so open, but I think that can lead to me considering the wrong information too much and falling for propaganda at times.

Anyway, in MBTI terms, I think this is heavily a Ti thing, right? Or are there other functions that go into this kind of thinking? Or does this not really correlate to mbti at all?

Just a mild crashout :(

I feel so confused right now. I wish my gender could be more cut and dry but it's not. I've thought I was genderfluid for years and then I started thinking I was more transmasc, but sometimes I just can't tell. I've come out to everyone. I've started going by a different name that I like. I've cried over the euphoria of putting on a binder and coming out to people, and I've cried over the thought of not transitioning. I'm so close to starting T and I've fantasized about it so much.

But regardless of all of that, I'm still having doubts. I misgender and misname myself in my head all the time and I can't seem to fully accept myself. I've been kinda sad about changing my name on everything even though I don't really vibe with my birth name or previous nickname anymore, but I guess they still feel like part of me. I still see myself in the women of the media I consume, especially when it's about a heterosexual relationship. Maybe it's because I still am a very feminine person and I don't think I'll ever be within a binary, but it's just making this so confusing.

I don't want to end up regretting the permanent effects of T, and I don't think I really will because I do want a deeper voice and the body fat redistribution (non permenant, ik) and honestly the facial hair, too. But I can't even imagine that within myself. I have no idea what I would look like on the other side and that terrifies me. I know I'm not happy as I am now, but what if I'm not happy even after I make these changes?

I want to be in a gay relationship so badly, but I feel like I never see depictions of them that I really resonate with. It's just so hard to see myself in anything when it doesn't really seem like my identity exists anywhere tangible. It's so frustrating. I THINK I'm some variation of feminine nonbinary transmasc or whatever. How the fuck do I actually achieve that? I don't really even like the term nonbinary for myself even though it's technically fitting. I don't think I really relate to genderfluid, either. And I know labels aren't anything and don't truly define me, but I wish I had words to use to actually explain myself to myself. I just don't really know who I am.

I don't have any tattoos myself, yet, but every time I see videos where an artist doesn't have any tattoos, there's a handful of comments saying they would never get a tattoo from them because of that. This just doesn't really make any sense to me because what does that REALLY have to do with their ability to tattoo? If their portfolio is good and they have good reviews/reputability, then who really cares? Is there a real reason or is this just a weird tattoo culture thing?

I know this definitely is something a lot of trans people experience, but I guess I just wanted to talk about it? I've almost always gone by a nickname because using my full name has always felt really weird and uncomfortable, and I always thought it was because it felt "too formal". I went by my full name for one year before changing it to a different nickname because it felt that bad. Only my parents or strangers in more "professional" settings were "allowed" to use it. I guess I just wonder if that discomfort was because I'm trans. I don't even hate my birth name and don't really consider it a "deadname", and I especially do like the nickname I used to go by, but neither feel like "me" anymore. But I almost feel sad changing it despite always hating using it. And while I do like my chosen name, it still feels really weird, but in a different way. I really hope it eventually starts to feel more correct. I just sent in a request to my school to change my name-in-use and it all feels so scary.

What are y'alls experiences?

I decided to up my dosage from 150 because it was kinda working but not as much as I would've liked, and im on day 2 of taking 300 and my brain fog kinda feels like it's cleared? I haven't struggled with speaking as much today and was even making kinda witty banter with someone who I haven't really talked to much before and it actually felt like I was keeping up in conversation. And even though I'm lowkey dealing with something kinda stressful rn, I'm handling it really well and not feeling very anxious? I was still feeling really anxious on 150 and figured it would worsen by going up, but I just feel so chill and fairly energized. I am also trying to take supplements so maybe that's helping, but like, idk I just feel really pleasent.

I'm staying in Corvallis over summer and have been wanting to get back into swimming for a while. What's the general state of Dixon's pool over summer?

Some background info: I'm a semi broke college student who hasn't really worked out properly in years. I'm also at the beginning of transitioning (transmasc), which is somewhat relevant because I want to eventually have a more masculine physique. I've done some weight training before and enjoyed it, so I at least kinda know the basics, but don't know how to create a workout plan. I'm lowkey so out of shape and I've been wanting to get back into working out for a while, and now that it's summer in my college town, my gym has a lot less people.

I was just going to generally start working out without a real goal other than looking more masculine, buuuut I'm taking a class in September that's going to require me to camp for a week and hike 4-5 miles (everyday?). I don't know if that's a lot or not (pretty sure it's not), but I know I don't have the ability to do that right now and I don't want to be miserable when I go. So I'd like to focus my workouts on improving my hiking abilities.

Ultimately just feeling kinda out of my depth and would appreciate and all tips and direction! I just don't really know how to create an effective workout plan, and actually going to the gym is kinda overwhelming.

I might also take up swimming for the hell of it, and maybe I'll try to go on some real hikes before September comes around.

So I've finally come out to just about everyone (friends & my parents), and I have a doctor's appointment next week where I'm going to seriously talk about getting on T. Idk for sure if I'll be able to do it then because idk if it'll be covered by insurance, but it COULD happen. In some ways I feel like I'm rushing things because I only came out formally about 3 months ago, but I realized I was trans in November/December and had been obsessively thinking about it since then. And tbf I've known I wasn't cis for years already, but I didn't really act on it and was just labeling myself as genderfluid/nonbinary. Even during that time, I could always see myself going on T eventually. I've felt pretty certain about it and the thought of finally looking more masculine is so exciting. I feel nothing super positive towards myself right now and I know I would be happier embracing this, but I still keep doubting myself anyway. Everyone else has been so supportive and it's just me holding myself back.

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I know most of the effects aren't permanent if I go off it, and even the permanent effects can be dealt with if I end up not wanting them. I guess it just stresses me out that it's such a commitment and it's truly changing my entire reality. I also hateeee needles and shots and hate the idea of injecting myself. But I wouldn't feel comfortable doing gel since I'm around cats so often. I just wish I could feel absolutely certain about this :(

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I'm gonna keep being unhappy if I don't make any changes, but holy shit is change scary.

So I've gone to Buzz'd twice with two different stylists, and the one I wanted to book with again isn't there anymore 💔 I didn't hate the cut the other one gave me, but I didn't love it either. I'd be fine going back there, but does anyone have any other recommendations for a stylist in the area? Looking to maintain my very layered, shortish, kinda masculine haircut (transgender)

Just downed two cups of coffee because yummy and now I'm sooo horrendously anxious. I can usually get away with one cup, but two back-to-back? Naw....

Last week I went without my lunchtime energy drink and I DID actually survive, so maybe that's progress? Crazy how bupropion actually gives me energy when I let it.

Anyway, probably going to buy decaf coffee once I run out of what I currently have 😔 this sucks right now

I'm so scared. I was scared when I told my mom, too, and everything ended up working out fine, so idk why I'm just as scared now. I know everything is going to end up being okay. Both my parents love and support me and are very left leaning. But holy shit I'm so nervous.

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I'm not as close with my dad and I never really talk to him about things. He can also be kinda unpredictable and struggles with some untreated mental health stuff. So I'm just kinda worried that he's going to have a somewhat rough initial reaction, and I just don't know if I can handle that right now. But tbf, I thought my mom would have a worse reaction than she did, so maybe things will be better than I'm expecting.

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I wish I didn't have to come out to anyone at all ever. But I'm meeting with my doctor on Tuesday to discuss hrt and I want my parents to be aware of things and go through this with me.

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God I have such a low tolerance for discomfort and the entire process of being trans so far has been sooo uncomfortable and difficult, while also being amazing and euphoria-inducing. But this is all probably some of the hardest stuff I've ever done. I just have to do it though. The alternative is continuing to feel unstatisfied with myself and my life and I don't want that anymore.

I likely have PCOS/PMOS(new name) and I'm going to try to start T as early as next week. I'm not necessarily worried about experiencing any adverse effects, but I am curious about how PMOS symptoms will react to T. My personal, non-professional theory is that being on T would help a little because then I maybe wouldn't have a hormone imbalance. Whenever people talk about the side effects of T, I'm always like, "Okay,,, nothing I haven't really already experienced (for the most part)." Like maybe these symptoms will be worse for a time, but I don't really know what to expect. I'm likely going to have my hormone levels checked before getting on anything unless my doctor decides I don't need that, but I'm curious about what my levels are already at.

One thing I'm especially curious about is how it affects irregular periods. I will often go months without getting my period and that concerns me because I know that can cause cancer if you're still producing uterine lining but not shedding it. But from my understanding, being on T maybe stops that production, right? Or else I feel like cancer would be more of a concern among transmascs. This is probably a bit of an irrational fear, though.

So, idk, if anyone wants to share their experience, I'd love to hear it!

I wanted to try to get on hrt as soon as next week, but I don't think my insurance would cover it. They specifically list gender dysphoria under my benefits exceptions 😐. So that kinda killed my spirit on starting as soon as I want to. I hadn't really been as worried about getting top surgery, but lately my boobs have really been getting to me because they are ridiculously large and binding doesn't really do much. I've always wanted a breast reduction just because they really do get in the way, and maybe I can convince my insurance to let me chop them off if it's not for gender reasons, but I have a feeling they're going to make me lose a significant amount of weight before that. My parents are supportive, but we're all kinda broke so it's not like they can magically pay out of pocket, sadly. I'm just feeling kinda defeated and stuck right now.

I've been thinking a lot more about my neurodivergency because it's been extra apparent lately. I'm not formally diagnosed with anything, but I suspect I have ADHD and maybe am autistic. Regardless, I definitely don't experience the world the same way other people do, and that's been a consistent theme throughout my life.

Anyway, I recently had this thought about how when I mask/try to appear normal, I do it in an incredibly hyper-feminine way. I guess that's because I've tried so hard my entire life to be a normal "girl", so that's why I embody by habit when I'm needing to fit into a social situation. This happens the most at work because I'm relatively new and not out to anyone (also pre-everything, mostly), and I guess I feel the need to act a certain way when I'm there. All of my interactions with my co-workers and bosses are sooo awkward and it's infuriating.

ANYWAY, this got me thinking about (1) how hard it's going to be to unlearn that and start being more "myself" around people I don't know very well, and (2) how hard it's going to be for me to learn how to fit in with men. I don't really want to integrate myself into cishet men culture, as I'm still gay, feminine, and really just don't have any desire to be in those kinds of circles, but how do I even learn how to fit in with queer men? I have quite a few queer guy friends who accept me and I don't feel super out of place around them, but I guess I'm just hyperaware of how much like a "girl" I act.

Being neurodivergent in general just makes it so hard to understand gender and gender norms as a whole, and it's making me wonder if I'll ever truly understand my gender or who I want to present and be percieved. And I know it doesn't really matter at the end of the day, but I feel like I'm in some kind of limbo right now because I don't really understand myself or what I really want. And I don't know how to communicate that to anyone else, either.

When I came out to my mom, she was extremely supportive and asked what I wanted her to refer to me as to other people, and that question kinda broke me for some reason. I just couldn't really give an answer and thinking about that question was really overwhelming. I don't know if it's partly because I'm still getting used to BEING trans and using different pronouns and a different name, but I just can't figure out if I actually like masculine pronouns or not. My friends have been using he/they on me, and a lot of them, surprisingly, are only using "he", which I appreciaite, and it's gotten to the point where I'm not really even thinking about the fact that they're using that pronoun for me. Like maybe it actually feels natural now? I don't know. I'm just so confused still and I hate it.