u/Suspicious_Plant4231

I've struggled with dysphoria to the point where I think it's the cause of my chronic derealization/depersonalization. I currently live with a parent in a very conservative area and am not out for that reason. I've been trying to get through community college with the hope of transferring somewhere and saving enough money for top surgery at least to get the ball rolling (there is only one surgeon near me and they're in another state, but they don't take insurance) but my mental health issues have been slowing me way, way down, so I feel stuck. I don't ever completely give up though, so there's that I guess, but the problem is that even without giving up I'm not really progressing meaningfully anyway.

Anyway, last semester for an English class that everyone is required to take, we were presented with our first major assignment, which was to write about the identity we craft and what we are conveying through either our social media posts, our possessions, or our clothing. It sent me into a bit of a spiral, because right now my entire life is built around being seen as little as possible until I feel more comfortable existing.

I actually dropped that class pretty quickly over this reason. I'm taking it again now with a different instructor and realized that the assignments are the same regardless (I know for a fact that the first assignment used to be different, and I mistakenly thought that it varied by instructor). I can't just not do it of course, but I'm a bit stuck. Everything I post on social media is not something I want to share in a paper. No one sees my possessions because I don't have any friends, and I don't have any friends because I don't want to make friends like I am now.

I would dress way differently and way better if I didn't have to hide my body shape, but right now I just wear jeans and tees and hoodies. I mean, I'm trying to lose weight and build a more masculine frame so I can dress differently, cut my hair into a much more masculine style, and go by a different name, but there's danger in doing all of that if I still have a feminine body. So I hide. I left my social hobbies years ago despite them being my only social connections, so I basically cut off all of my friends there. Again, I'm putting off going back.

After a decade of refusing medication because I thought I could manage by myself I finally caved and began taking something for my depression and anxiety yesterday. I'm hoping it will help disrupt the cycle of emotional eating I have, which will help me in my goals so I can make friends and form relationships and not want to hide all of the time.

I've lived in my share of neighborhoods and apartments throughout my life, but for a few years I lived in a much more rural area, and it was great. It was technically a neighborhood, but the houses were a lot further apart and it was quiet. The only solicitors we got in our yard were deer. Everyone pretty much minded their own business

We had to relocate to a much more populated area, and in the couple of months we've been here we've had like five people show up on our doorstep wanting to talk about their lawn services or some shit and leaving cards or pamphlets in the door. The houses are smushed right up against each other basically, so I can see in my neighbor's window and vice versa. Going out to get something from the car or retrieving the trash can means that I'll have at least a couple sets of eyes on me, with cars constantly driving by, too

It's a first world problem for sure, but it's driving me nuts. I don't understand soliciting in 2026, either. Schizoid or not, is someone going to seriously consider using a service after some random guy has shown up at their doorstep to bother them about it? If I need lawn care I'll research online and find someone. If you show up at my house to tell me about yours I will find it annoying and go out of my way not to use your company, especially if you took the liberty of shoving a pamphlet that I'm just going to throw away somewhere on my porch