u/Suspicious_Plant4231

I feel like my story is a tiny bit different in how I ended up "homeschooled." I was sent to a very religious K-12 school until the seventh grade, when it was finally decided that a super strict, extremely cliquey IFB school that constantly preached rules my parents didn't even believe in maybe wasn't conducive to good mental health for a child who was already depressed and anxious because their parents were divorcing. Their solution was to try other religious schools that simply weren't as legalistic, but alas, I was already so used to following strict rules and having my self-esteem torn down in a tiny building that suddenly throwing me into one of the "cooler" Christian schools with multiple floors and a curriculum I was behind in that I couldn't flourish there either.

My parents, separated and in the middle of a nasty divorce, just kind of went "eh, whatever" and I ended up doing online school...except I didn't. I sat at home, ate my feelings until I was sick and just wallowed in my untreated mental health issues all day. I had no friends. My mom (who is ironically a therapist) was depressed herself and busy, I guess, so she didn't do anything about it until she got emails, then I was just yelled at. I switched online schools three or four times and probably should've been punished for truancy, but since it was online school I guess the rules are/were different.

Long story short, I developed depersonalization/derealization disorder at 15 after a particularly stressful period in my life in which my family pressured me into admitting myself for inpatient treatment for, ironically, something I didn't even have, which was confirmed later. I don't know how I graduated high school. If it were school in person I definitely wouldn't have, but online schools were so dense back then that I made it by the skin of my teeth by doing the absolute bare minimum. I've made efforts since then to put my life together, but I'm 22 now and have no idea what I'm doing.

I was in community college for a while, but am taking a break because I was doing horribly. I was diagnosed with ADHD this summer, and I'm trying to learn how to manage that and maybe even switch majors before I go back. I've had jobs, all very short lived. There was a period of a few years where I had this cool "I can do hard things, I just have to try and I can make my life better" attitude, but after failing at my jobs and college multiple times, I don't feel like I have anything left in me. I still feel like I'm 16. I haven't really participated in society and don't know how to navigate the world. It's a scary place. I genuinely don't know how I'm 22 already. I'm developmentally behind in every way

I can't help but blame my parents a teeny bit, because they basically just let it happen. I know that at some point you can't shift the blame, but the foundation was laid pretty horribly, and when I was failing miserably and laying in bed alone in the dark all day at 13, no one reached out to help. My most formative years, socially and developmentally, were spent alone in a room while my brain just rotted away. Now that I'm an adult and trying to fix things, it seems insurmountably difficult.

I struggle with derealization/depersonalization, and I think a lot of it can be attributed to the fact that I'm simply very uncomfortable existing in the body that I have. I've started the process of top surgery, so I'm hoping that will help.

But in the meantime, in the several years that I've done martial arts, weights, and physical activity in general, I don't have any confidence whatsoever when it comes to actually...moving. Does that make sense? I often feel like it's my first time on the planet, and I'm just kind of a meat sack stumbling around lol. Does this get better with time as you transition? Is it mainly a mental thing, or something I can actually physically improve through things like plyometrics or just regular weight training?

There was a time when I had a very "As long as I don't give up, I'm doing well and can make things work" attitude. I came from a childhood of intense isolation. I didn't really have friends in the small religious school I was sent to in the elementary grades, then in 7th grade I was taken out and put in online school, where I spent the next 3-4 years in almost total isolation. I was then diagnosed with a mental health disorder I didn't have (this was verified by multiple professionals afterward) and pressured into going to an inpatient facility, which was extremely stressful and where I began experiencing DP/DR. I've had it ever since, about 6 years. It's pretty much 24/7, but much worse when I go out.

I managed to get myself to a better place for 3 years, despite still struggling with DP/DR. I worked very hard to challenge myself and do things that I was avoiding due to anxiety. I was very proactive in trying to get to the root of my DP/DR so that I could fix it, but after numerous medical tests, therapy, and adjusting my diet, exercise, and sleep, I was still the same in that regard. I got my first job at 16 and quit a month or so in because it was making it worse and making my already abysmal academic performance worse. I got a second one later, was trained, helped with a big project and then ghosted after being paid.

Then I got a job as a cashier, where I was fired because of a mistake I made. I put a lot of effort and energy I didn't have into doing things right, and I still managed to get fired for a careless mistake I made.

I began classes at community college two years ago and have barely even made it halfway through when I was supposed to be done. I was recently diagnosed with ADHD and decided to take break for the rest of the year, because whatever I'm doing to try and succeed obviously wasn't working.

Now I'm looking for a job again, but I can't muster up that same "just do it and keep trying" attitude. I want to be a productive member of society, but I don't feel like I have anything left to give. I live in a frosted glass box that I can't get out of. I can't believe I'm already in my 20s and stuck like this. I feel like I've tried very hard to course-correct my life, but I keep ending up more behind than when I started.

It sucks to have symptoms that for most people scream "ER GO TO THE ER RIGHT NOW BEFORE YOU DIE." I have actually been to the ER a few times in the past several years because of this, and have been fine every time

Now I just get random chest pain or random other symptoms that seem concerning and am too tired to care enough. I was checked a few months ago, I'm probably fine. Every time I have an issue that's concerning, it always gets thrown into the POTS bucket. I mentioned to my PCP at my annual that my vision has been flashing with my pulse at times, and flickers a lot more frequently. She urgently referred me to an ophthalmologist, who got me in the next day. I go, get some imagine done, and he looks at my eyes and goes "Yeah, your eyes are perfectly fine...Have you been stressed? It's probably stress." I go home and look it up and it apparently can happen with POTS, so...great. Another really random thing that I can attribute to the condition that makes people roll their eyes

Anyway, that's all

I think every post I've ever made here has been negative, but I'm finally beginning to move in a positive direction instead of being stagnant.

I fell in love with martial arts from the very first Muay Thai trial class I took. I poured hundreds of hours into it and BJJ, until the dysphoria got so bad that I had to step back for my own sake. I was often the only "woman" (socially speaking, as I wasn't out) and was pretty weak and small, so I was often othered unintentionally despite being in a generally welcoming environment. Since you are more aware of your body and the bodies of your classmates, people were also kind of weird about touching me, especially in the chest. It destroyed my ability to enjoy either art.

Well, my break turned into a three and nearly four year hiatus, but I'm happy to say that I have a consult for top surgery at the end of the year, and surgery is (hopefully) likely to follow in the spring. I'm more restless since the consult is just kind of looming on the distant horizon and there's no one IRL to talk to about it, but I'm beyond excited that I can finally move forward in some way. I'm planning to return to my lost love of a hobby after I'm healed, and I'm using the time to continue working on my fitness and getting stronger so that there is not so much of a gap between me and my classmates. It will still be difficult to navigate socially I'm sure, but I'm getting rid of a big hurdle and can't stay away forever. I've thought about it every day that I've been gone. I made many connections there. They kept the stuff that I drew on the whiteboard as a teen for like two years after I left lol. They may still be there.

Anyway, there's still a long journey of actually getting the surgery ahead, but I'm excited.

I was diagnosed with both ADHD and BED recently, and I've been sorting out what disruptive issues of mine can be attributed partly to ADHD and what are just their own issues. I think the most common behaviors people hear about in regards to ADHD is forgetting to eat or having food sensory issues, but after looking into it I've found that ADHD can cause both extremes on the spectrum of eating.

It makes sense. I often struggle to regulate my emotions and seek comfort in food. Food is an easy and immediate dopamine source, which my brain responds to more intensely than in neurotypical people, making me want more and making it harder to stop. I've been this way since childhood. My mother, who also has both of these conditions, is the same way.

I think that's why I've found it so hard to deal with despite doing the "right" things. BED is already difficult to manage, and ADHD makes it even more so. I exercise consistently, I try to engage in other hobbies, but they just don't hold up. At the end of the day, literally, I find myself going back to food. I've been more stressed lately and I've lost the mental battle every single day.

My consult is scheduled for November, so now I'm just trying to pass the time by gathering info and trying to prepare I guess. I've read a couple of experiences here already, but wanted to reach out and see if anyone that hadn't made dedicated posts wanted to share theirs

I feel all antsy now that I actually have a consult date that's a bit farther away, but I can't tell anyone around me yet 😅

I'm finally getting the ball rolling on top surgery, which is something I've wanted for years. That said, given where I live in the south, I've had to think about the potential social consequences. I think we have a small growing population of queer people, especially amongst my generation, but...it's still the red south. I already avoid public bathrooms where I can and dread the day where someone says something to me for being in the woman's bathroom, especially after surgery. I don't want to make anyone uncomfortable, but I also have never set foot in a men's bathroom and honestly would probably not feel comfortable there, either, so it's a lose lose situation I guess. What strangers read me as is kind of a flip of a coin. I honestly don't care what people call me at this point, I'm just trying to be comfortable in my own skin.

I've also been thinking about dating, which is something I've been wanting to get into but haven't because of dysphoria. I want to start putting myself out there after surgery, as I will be nearing 23 by then and have never experienced any dating or romance whatsoever 😅. I imagine that the dating pool is already a little smaller here in the south, but I'm afraid that my decision may make it even smaller.

At the end of the day, dysphoria has taken more from me than any of these potential issues ever will, so I will be prioritizing my own comfort and happiness over hypothetical situations. Does anyone have any experience/advice to share?

I had fairly severe anxiety as a child and younger teen, but managed to pull myself out of it mostly, just by deciding that I couldn't live like that forever and that I could be capable of more if I worked at it. I got connected with some social hobbies that I liked, tried to live a fairly healthy lifestyle, and was very much into self improvement and tried to have a "don't give up" attitude. Even after my first minor car accident at 16, which eventually led to me being afraid to drive and largely not being able to, I got myself back in the car and made myself do it despite having anxiety attacks and crying until I could drive mostly comfortably again. My childhood psychiatrist even apologized for pushing me to try medication for several years, because evidently I hadn't needed it (which wasn't true, but ironically I'm afraid of medication so I always refused it)

I lasted this way for a few years, but it all came crashing down about four years ago, for mental reasons mostly unrelated to anxiety. When I was about 15, I began having episodes of derealization and depersonalization, and they got increasingly worse to the point of becoming a constant state of being. I had medical tests done, I tried therapy for it, I already meditated, ate well, and exercised, but nothing put a dent in it. I don't really have a theory for why that is

I left my social hobbies despite not really wanting to and basically cut off every connection I had made. The DP/DR wasn't the only reason (gender dysphoria, but that's another topic), but it certainly didn't help. As it got worse, I felt as though my ability to navigate the world alone had diminished. I couldn't interpret anything properly anymore. I didn't feel safe being out in the world alone, and thus my anxiety returned

Everything has gotten worse over the years despite my efforts in trying to fix it. No one has an answer for why I experience the world this way now. I don't have any friends anymore, and I feel like a stranger among family. I can make quick trips to run errands, but that's about it. I lost my last job two years ago because of this, and I've done horribly in college to the point of quitting after constantly trying to restart and do better over and over again. I feel like a child that can't go anywhere without an adult. I can't just lie to myself and say that everything is actually normal. Pushing myself until it becomes less scary doesn't work like it used to

The entire world is scary now, because I don't see it the same way as anyone else anymore. It's like I'm in an entirely different world

It's kind of odd. Say I found a new show, for example, that's right up my alley. It's usually an animated show of some sort with an art style or animation style that I find aesthetically appealing because I'm learning to draw (anime like The Summer Hikaru Died, for example). Bonus points if the soundtrack is good or the subject matter is something I'm interested in, like fighting. I can only engage with it in tiny pieces, like five to twenty minutes every once in a while. I even think about wanting to watch it, but the conditions just don't feel right, then when I finally do, I only watch it for a few minutes before...I don't even know, really. It's just like I've watched all that I feel like I can take in at the moment. It's the same with video games, or even books sometimes.

I'm not really sure what this is. I'm not even sure it's an attention thing, as I can watch or play other things sometimes for longer depending on what they are. But it's ironic that things I really like are the things I can't seem to engage with as much. I either want to save them for later, or when I am engaging with them I can't do so for long before it's somehow too much for me. Maybe I feel like I can't fully appreciate them in that moment?

Is there a term for this? I was diagnosed somewhat recently, and it's been kind of difficult to sort out what can be attributed to ADHD and what is just a potential quirk I have

After almost five years I'm finally able to get the ball rolling on surgery...sort of. I've been back and forth with the only practice around that isn't crazy far from me, but they want a copy of my insurance member benefits booklet, which I don't have and can only come from the employer that provides said insurance. The employer in question is my dad's employer, and I've yet to have the talk with anyone in my family, including him, about my plans. I was hoping to have a consult first before telling anyone.

I've never heard of this before. Is it standard practice now? I will have to try and ask my dad, who I'm not close with whatsoever, to contact his HR department for some made up reason, then they will have to mail the whole big book to me, and then I will probably have to mail it to the practice? I confirmed that my insurance covers GAC under my specific plan already before even contacting the surgery practice. I find this whole thing kind of odd. I gave them all of my insurance info. Could they not just speak with them and confirm coverage?

To be fair, I'm kind of in a prison of my own making. I've struggled with general anxiety for most of my life and usually make a point not to let it keep me from things, but when it comes to dysphoria I've struggled to determine the best way to handle it. Anxiety is largely a mindset issue. Something may seem a lot more daunting in my head, but if I force myself to do it anyway, I can realize that one, it wasn't as bad as I was making it out to be in my head (or even if it wasn't enjoyable, realizing that I'm capable of handling discomfort and can choose to opt out, but not because of anxiety keeping me from it) and two, that doing things I'm afraid of is better for me than avoiding them and reinforcing the fear in my head, which will only make it worse

I worked pretty hard to get myself to a better place with this mindset, to the point where my childhood psychiatrist apologized for trying to put me on meds for years lol (I was ironically afraid of those, too). But with dysphoria, it's a bit of a different animal. You can't treat it by working to just accept yourself the way you are, or forcing yourself to do things that make you more dysphoric so that they will make you less dysphoric over time. I've tried to have a mindset of acceptance, like this is simply the hand I've been dealt and I have to choose how I play it by working to make it better, but that really only keeps me from being severely depressed all the time by giving me some hope. It won't get better that way

So, as it got worse, I let myself become extremely reclusive, and pretty much tore down everything I had worked to get over. I stopped going to martial arts, which was the hobby I loved and had poured likely hundreds of hours into over a few years. It was also where I had built most of my social connections. I destroyed my life so easily and quickly over dysphoria until I became mostly a homebody with no friends at all. In my mind, it wasn't worth going out, being social, making friends, finding romantic partners, etc. if I was going to be uncomfortable just existing the whole time. My mental health took a nosedive as a result, and I put myself back at square one

It's been nearly five years. The good news, I suppose, is that I will hopefully receive a call about a top surgery consult this week, so that's a start to putting my life back together once again and hopefully feeling like myself. In the meantime, I'm struggling to cope with loneliness. It's gotten a lot worse lately for some reason. I find myself feeling like a little kid again, playing alone in my room. It's a bit pitiful

I don't know. I think these feelings are coming up because I declined to go with my family on a rare vacation they're taking. Family members from different states that I don't get to see that often will be there. It sucks because I really am making myself worse by totally isolating myself, but I don't think it's a scenario where I would get there and be grateful I went. Instead it will likely just be depressing and still isolating, since no one knows my situation. I'm actually hoping to schedule my consult for during that time, while the family member I live with right now is gone.

Anyway. I still hold out hope and try not to give up

My hair is kind of...odd. It's thin and fine, but also curly (2c-3a), but only when it's long. For the past couple of years I've had it in sort of a wolf cut mullet, trying varying styling techniques and methods of getting it cut. The top-mid layers of hair will not curl outward no matter what unless I let them grow long enough to naturally flick out at the end. If they are cut too short, they will curl inward in one big curve, giving me a weird bob look at the top no matter how I try to stop them

The bottom hair is a different animal and very frustrating. Since it's longer, like just above shoulder length, it will actually try to spiral at the bottom. I just recently went back to have it recut shorter to keep it from doing that, but instead it just said fuck you and formed a smaller curl. My next plan is to get it cut even shorter there, maybe with a razor which has been used before, to cut the whole curl part off so that it hopefully just sticks outward. I don't necessarily care how much length I lose there at this point

I wouldn't mind having curly hair at all if it actually curled at shorter lengths, but instead it's just sort of preparing to curl, then at the bottom it will curl but make big spirals inward, making the whole haircut odd

I just want floofy hair that sticks out instead of giving me a weird bob vintage rolled hair looking combo :(

I live with my mother right now while in college, and I know that she wouldn't be supportive of my decision to get top surgery. At first I didn't think it mattered, since I assumed the opportunity for surgery wouldn't arise until I was out of my state and on my own anyway

But I may actually get my opportunity for surgery sooner than I think, while I'm still living here. I've talked with my insurance and they claim to cover everything. I think I can persuade my mom to at least be okay with my decision and autonomy as an adult, with the added promise that she wouldn't have a part in it at all...maybe. She may end up flipping her shit. But I don't think that she would kick me out, so I don't think that trying would hurt too much

That said, I doubt that she would want any part of it and I honestly don't want her to be a part of it, which creates some problems. I cut all the social ties I had before due to dysphoria depression and don't have anyone to take me home the day of surgery. I could maybe like Uber to a hotel in that city and stay there for a few days...I guess (the place I'm thinking of getting surgery at is a little over an hour away)? Even still, that seems a little risky coming off of anesthesia. I wonder if it would be possible to hire someone trustworthy to take me there and back?

I'm kind of at a loss for how to make it work, but time is ticking. If I try to wait until I can move out and be on my own, that will be at least a couple more years, and I've isolated myself over this for 4 years already. I am also 22 and don't have too much longer on my parent's insurance, plus who knows what the state of gender affirming care will be then? If insurance will cover it, it feels like the time to do it is as soon as possible.

It's only been six days, but I feel like the little amount of energy I started out with has diminished. Things that need to get done aren't getting done. I was already having trouble with procrastination but now it's like anything that requires thought and effort is the last thing I want to do and I don't even want to try. I've been taking it before bed but I'm still sleepy throughout the day

I write this as I'm procrastinating a somewhat simple assignment that I need to get done before I go to bed. It was supposed to be done yesterday, but it needs to be done before class tomorrow. I even had a second energy drink a few hours ago to try and wake myself up enough

I feel like I started out with a bit of a strength disadvantage because I went vegetarian quite young, then I went vegan at around 13-14. I went vegetarian mostly because I didn't like meat. I was vegan for 4 years. Up until the last year or two of veganism I really didn't pay attention to my nutrition, so I was probably lacking in some things during my developmental years

Feeling like I was really limiting myself protein-wise, I went back to being vegetarian and even tried eating meat again for like a year until I ultimately decided I just didn't like it and didn't want it in any capacity. So now I'm vegetarian and kind of lost. Right now in a day I eat (you can roast me on this, I need help):

Strawberry/mango smoothie with pea protein powder (24g of protein)

Ensure max nutrition shake (42g of protein)

Bowl with kale, tofu, sweet potato, black beans, and a bit of rice with a cashew sauce (40g of protein)

Chobani yogurt drink (20g)

This puts me at a bit over my 1500 calorie goal at just 126g of protein. For reference, I'm 5'10" and 168lbs and am trying to lose some weight/fat before I really try to gain muscle. It's not horrible I guess, but I'd like to get more protein from whole foods in so that I'm not relying on drinks so much. All of this is also pushing the upper limit for calcium a day, which isn't a problem I expected to have