Jake and Amir - Looksmaxxing. Fan script, any suggestions?
JAKE: Hey, you're watching a masterpiece and Amir.
AMIR: A masterpiece?
JAKE: Yeah. Don't question it.
[Jake is sitting at his desk with a scarf wrapped around his face. Amir is staring at him.]
AMIR: Why are you wearing a scarf inside? It's like July, dude.
JAKE: (muffled) None of your business, asswad.
AMIR: What?
JAKE: (pulls the scarf down slowly, revealing horribly bruised and swollen cheekbones) There. Happy now?
AMIR: Holy crap! Your face looks really bad! What happened?!
JAKE: Nothing "happened." This is intentional. This is looksmaxxing, okay? Bone smashing. Advanced facial restructuring. You wouldn’t get it.
AMIR: Bone smashing...? Like you hit your own face? On purpose?
JAKE: Yes. Mewing, chewing this super hard gum for four hours a day, and then... strategic blunt force to the cheekbones. Very scientific. Very alpha.
AMIR: That sounds really dumb. And it looks like it hurts a lot.
JAKE: It’s supposed to hurt! That means it’s working. In six weeks these cheekbones are gonna be razor sharp. Hunter S. Thompson meets Timothée Chalamet. The ladies are gonna need sunglasses just to look at me.
AMIR: I think your face is broken. Like... actually broken.
JAKE: It’s not broken, it’s activated. You think Chad got his bone structure by eating normal food and being regular? No. He put in the reps. Hammer reps.
AMIR: You hit yourself with a hammer? Why would you do that?
JAKE: It was mostly a textbook. And a frozen water bottle. And once with my cousin’s Xbox controller. He’s a sigma — he was filming the whole thing on his phone and laughing the entire time.
AMIR: Your cousin was hitting you?
JAKE: He was helping. We did it together last night while listening to that weird loud music. My jawline is already projecting, man. It’s science.
AMIR: It looks like your jaw is going the wrong direction. I’m worried about you.
JAKE: Okay, Mr. Soft Face. Not everyone can handle the grindset. Some of us are out here mogging the entire office while you sit there with your regular chin looking like a regular guy.
AMIR: I like my regular face. Why are you doing all this if it makes your face look so messed up?
JAKE: A hammered-up face for this painful new phase makes the ladies line up just to sit on my face! Or was that really handsome guy on the subway who told me I had “incredible bone potential” not an expert?
AMIR: He told you that?
JAKE: Right before he sold me the hammer, yeah. Great guy. Very trustworthy.
AMIR: You bought a hammer from a stranger on the subway...? That seems bad.
JAKE: It was a business transaction. I also got some special milk stuff. Tasted terrible but it’s for the gains.
AMIR: Jake, I think you should go to the doctor. Your eye looks funny too.
JAKE: That’s the hunter eye. Asymmetrical dominance. It’s working!
(Pat walks over)
PAT: Whoa, what the hell happened to your fa...
JAKE: It’s looksmaxxing, dude! Bone smashing! Very cutting edge!
PAT: It looks like you lost a fight with a sidewalk.
AMIR: He's looksmaxxing! Have you ever even mewed? No, probably not, because you’re too scared to even chew mastic gum!
PAT: Are you guys crying?
JAKE: For real! My cousin skull-pounded me for six hours straight.
AMIR: He did. To get the hollow cheeks.
JAKE: Hollow cheeks. Tell them how hard he hit me, dude.
AMIR: He hit him really hard.
PAT: Jesus, you’re both crying so much.
JAKE: We’re mogging.
AMIR: We’re mogging.
JAKE: We’re mogging.
AMIR: We’re ascending.
JAKE: We're ascending.