u/Zealousideal_Eye8277

SAD RANT:

I hate knowing that my brain is fundamentally "different" than its supposed to be, it makes me feel broken. I hate being painfully aware of my issues and knowing there's no way to "cure" me. I hate the fact that I'm constantly psychoanalyzing myself and those close to me knowing that other people don't think this way and aren't constantly mentally preoccupied with the way brains work or don't work. I hate knowing that I can't hold interest in anything at all for an extended period of time. I hate how utterly unproductive I have become. I hate my flaws and I also hate that I'm constantly devaluing myself. I try to smile and make other people happy and be nice and get through life but I'm dying inside and there's literally no meaning to life and I feel as if my existence is inconsequential.

I'm an ex-employee who is just a customer now. I haven't worked there in at least 8 years but when I did I was mainly grill and prep because I hate making peoples food on the line. The bowls have always been extremely hard to close but its even worse if you are saving the rest for later and the lid has already gotten bent. The shape/size will never correctly fit again. It makes me so mad. Please tell me this is not just a skill issue.

I took 2 Avexia tablets with a total of 20mg CBD to 5mg THC for severe nerve pain I was having around my glute and the back of my left thigh (still not sure what from). It completely removed the debilitating pain but it also made it so where I couldn't function for the whole day. For reference I don't smoke every day, maybe about 2 to 5 times a week depending on the week. I was not necessarily expecting these tablets to get me as high and mushy feeling as they did because I figured it was a pretty small/moderate dose that I could function on. I feel a little bad about wasting almost my whole day but i still would have been in bed without it, just in pain. It was very relaxing but I still think the dosage was too high for me and I don't like getting so stoned I can't move, it fucks with my desperate desire for productivity.

My brain likes to entertain itself sometimes by saying nonsensical things that kind of just disrupt my intrusive thoughts and make me have a silly thought and laugh. For example, I ask my husband questions like "if you were a goose what flavor would you be?" I'm 30 years old and I know its really immature and makes no sense but it makes me laugh. Sometimes he looks at me like I'm crazy. Does anyone else think this is funny? 😅