u/kittypillar1738

i feel like i cant be myself, and this deep pit of sadness, when im in a group of people. tonight i had to leave a friends birthday party early, because even though ive known everyone there for years, i feel like an alien and just wrong. and if people ask if somethings wrong (because even though id love to have a poker face, i wear my heart on my sleeve ugh), i cant open up and say anything. i know WHY i do this, its because my mom is a POS and didnt love me properly so now subconsciously i feel like i don’t deserve love/care and like everything i do is wrong blah blah blah mommy issues blah. i want to get over this. when these feelings arise, i feel panic set in and i want to run away. or, never be in those situations in the first place. example again, tonights birthday party. a mutual that i hate was attending, and i was embarrassed to see them due to some embarrassing things i had done in the past and hadnt seen them since. instead of telling me to deal with it like an adult, my brain was screaming at me to just not go at all. not go to a good friends birthday just because some chud i hate is going. even outside of this specific group, i feel this feeling a lot. i also have issues with food which causes me a lot of anxiety in social settings, because people dont like people who dont eat. i feel empty, weird, and alien in social settings. and then i focus on how weird im being instead of just talking and having fun. i feel like im becoming a bit agoraphobic which runs in my family weirdly enough, which scares me.

for example, we know zooble isnt happy with their body parts. and they seemingly get them from caine, who can summon them with a snap of a finger. is it impossible for caine to simple just generate limbs that zooble could design for themself? and jax, i love all the HRT memes they’re so cute, but why couldn’t caine just snap and give her boobs and hair or whatever jax wants?? bro can generate an entire false world but cant alter digital bodies? he clearly CAN alter their bodies, because he gave them to ability to bone, which means he changed their bodies to either have 1. genitals, or 2. have false-genitals where VISUALLY there is nothing there, but a sensation can be felt when you do the sex motions.

im sick if you cannot tell lmao

like crocodiles, alligators, and birds. i have a coworker who doesn’t think dinosaurs existed, but thinks dragons did, so that had me thinking. do these people just think scientists are lying?

my eating habits are very disordered. i lost a lot of weight due to depression, i was never trying to starve myself on purpose. but now, 90% of the time im so disinterested in food. chewing becomes too much to handle. i try to consume liquid calories (milk, protein shakes, juice), but thats not enough to function on :/ i just feel so frustrated! i want to be able to eat normally, or even just be able to eat for function. i would love to be able to go put to eat with friends again and NOT worry about how little ill be eating due to my stomach shrinking. now i have anxiety around eating “unhealthy foods” which is becoming a whole other evil beats. I KNOW moderation is key, but my fears don’t

ive had issues with jaw pain and grinding for a really long time now, and recently i discovered that there is botox placements for tmj. the botox will relax the masseter muscle, creating less discomfort and will make you grind less at night (before anyone comments saying fillers are bad blah blah blah, this is not for cosmetics). ive been doing some looking around on google for businesses that offer that, but im not really sold on any particular place yet. what are some trustworthy medspas/clinics here? im open to any opinions, but especially if you have gotten masster botox done, please let me know! also, if you have gotten it done, how much did it cost $$$?

i dont even know what eating disorder in particular i have, but my eating habits are not normal and are disordered for sure. ever since i got off anti depressants mid 2025, ive had little to no appetite, and i get so full so quickly. i lost so much weight, had to replace my whole wardrobe:( now, im going to the gym and trying to eat enough, but i CANT! a very small meal will hold me over for HOURS. but i WANT to gain a few pounds!!! i feel so insecure in clothes!!! i don’t feel like a woman :/ i miss having boobs!!! the worst part, is none of this was intentional. i just lost my appetite due to mental health factors. in my head i want to eat, but when i try to, i feel a mental block. sometimes, i CANT get myself to put food in my mouth and chew. ive also put on some muscle from the gym+TRYING to eat in a surplus, but my clothes are still getting looser and looser! i work a very very very physical job on top of going to the gym 3-4 days a week, so i know that i NEED to ingest more calories to fuel my body, buts its so hard and i want to cry. i wasnt always this way either, i used to binge and binge and binge and as teenager. ive never been this skinny, and tbh ive almost underweight for my height. i feel so discouraged though, ive been trying so hard to eat about every 2-3 hours while im working to keep my energy up, eating when i get home instead of immediately crashing, making sure i have a proper nutritious lunch and breakfast, eating enough protein, etc. its never enough!!!! i hate being a woman sometimes, im either “too big” or “too skinny”. its also difficult to gain, because everything is society in telling me to stay as thin as possible. i feel guilty for getting a sugary drink. i should be getting full sugar drinks if i want to gain like wtf???? logically i know im not healthy OR particularly happy at this weight, but something is pulling at a string saying “keep losing weight!!!”, and i don’t WANT to have to listen to it, but its still always in the back of my mind. funny part is, i have a pretty balanced diet (i ❤️ beans), so one treat a day wont kill me probably lol. is anyone currently going through this?

he had one on april 25 i missed 😖