u/lunar_cycles

[Massive trigger warning: mention of past abuse, past self harm, religious trauma, and past suicidal ideation. Please read with caution. (don't worry. I'm ok now.)] Also, this is going to be a long vent so you don't need to read it if you don't want to. There's a happy ending in here.

Ever since I was a kid there's never been really any place for me. Psychologically and literally. When I was a kid my biological mum was abusive. She had a big drug issue too. She'd yell and throw things etc (I'm not going to go deep into this because I don't want to waste your time too much). When I was 7, she didn't have money for her drugs so she basically used my body as currency and let her drug dealer rape me in exchange for crystal meth. And it was worse that he was a priest too of all people. Unfortunately, he used religion as a tactic for control and male dominance etc the whole can of worms. During when it happened, I was restrained with a chain collar and he held a gun to my head and threatened to kill me if I made a sound or moved.

Eventually after CPS got involved I was sent to the foster system at about age 11. I got medical help with vaginal bleeding and injuries from the assault.

I had developed psychological issues. I started self harming and developed body dysmorphia and had attempted suicide multiple times. I constantly wished that my rapist had killed me because in my head i was thinking "I'd rather be dead than have to remember everything all the time". I began to have bad hallucinations that made it seem like everything was physically happening to me all over again. I had been to several psychiatric hospitals. Got prescribed a bunch of different meds because they said it would "fix" me. They never cared about the root of it or how physically painful it feels in addition to the psychological pain. These meds made it to where I couldn't physically cry and so I just self harmed more as an outlet. None of the "coping skills" worked.

Fast forward to almost a year ago, when I had turned 18: I was able to get taken off of all my meds. It felt better.

Fast forward to now: I will be 19 in a few months. A few months ago I applied for SSI (supplemental security income) to help me be able to get on my feet because I currently live with my former foster mum. I cannot keep a job because my paranoia and bad hallucinations won't stop no matter how hard i try. I hope to get a job sooner than later one day because I want to go to college and get a job researching the universe and helping astronomers gather new information about it. That's a dream I've had for a long time since I was a kid. My optimism hasn't died despite everything. I haven't been in a mental hospital since may of 2025. I've stopped self harming. I still have body dysmorphia issues but it's getting better. I still have suicidal thoughts sometimes but they aren't as frequent and intense as they used to be. I haven't attempted suicide in 6 months. A couple of months ago I started seeing a psychiatrist who actually communicates with me and doesn't spike my meds up every time i look sad. I still have bad and vivid hallucinations but I've been able to ground myself in reality without self harming. I've been listening to really heavy metal music that literally drowns them out. I also draw. I'm going to start seeing a trauma therapist soon. I'm already in the process of it. I'm looking at apartments and thinking about the kind of safe space I want to have.

In conclusion: despite everything, I'm still here. And despite everything I tell myself, i am brave and strong. I'm carving out my own path. I don't belong anywhere. I will never fit society's expectations of what a woman "should be". But that's ok. Where I am right now is where I'm supposed to be. I'm not in the past anymore. I'm here. And I'm me.

Sorry for the long vent. Thank you so much for reading though. It means a lot. 🩷