u/strawberryheart444

i swear to fucking god. it makes me feel like im a joke. like my surviving is a fucking joke. whenever we fight they use it aganist me. i try to harm myself less now. but they just wont shut up. for example. mom is annoyed by just looking at me "at least i dont cut myself".

i got kicked out of the house and my brother came to take the bag i had my things in. i told him. no. its my things. he said. what? scissor and knifes to cut yourself? i have been 11 days free now. i swear im shaking because im fighting the urges to go get a blade and cut myself again.

i dont starve my pomeranian. when i first got her everyone commented about how skinny she was. i feed her well. two meals a day. treats. milk. water. i have had her for 10 months now. lately everyone has been commenting that she got chubby. got fat. but whenever im petting her i can still feel her bones. and im worried if she isnt eating well or if there is something wrong with her health

i dont starve my pomeranian. when i first got her everyone commented about how skinny she was. i feed her well. two meals a day. treats. milk. water. i have had her for 10 months now. lately everyone has been commenting that she got chubby. got fat. but whenever im petting her i can still feel her bones. and im worried if she isnt eating well or if there is something wrong with her health

a year ago. okay almost a year ago. exactly 11 months. i made a post asking for friends. and i got tons of requests. but one stood out. i will call him H. almost all the DMs where men. boys. old men. when H introduced himself i thought from his name that he was a girl. i wasnt familiar with the name soo i didnt know it was a boy's name. when we got each other's snap. he had a boy bitmoji so i knew he was a boy. but he was my age at least so i was like. okay. i can deal with that. when he introduced himself he lied about almost everything. except his age. he lied about his hobbies, his state, his name. he said its because he wasnt sure we'd stay in touch. thought it would last a few days and then silence. i didnt mind really. he was a very fun person. but i need to confess. him and i were equally terrible friends. at first of the friendship i got attached to him fast (toxic part from me) and i used to tell him life without him isnt worth it and I'd probably end it all if him and i stopped being friends. we pulled all nighters alot. even tho we were 8 hours apart. playing truth or dare. the number game. and we had our own thing. yapping time, specific emoji that has a meaning behind it. specific word that meant something else entirely. things no one else could understand. he knew how to talk to me. he knew what to say when i was venting. or having urges. he stayed up all night with me when i had crisis moments. he was there through it all. then. it all changed. 3 months exactly. he started changing. using more..romantic way of talking. for context. him and i were pretty open that we had a crush on each other but not anymore cause we just..lost it over time. but when he started using a romantic way of talking. calling me gorgeous and love. even tho when he asked me later my favorite nickname i told him the nickname he used to call me when we were first friends. he ignored that entirely. he ignored me for hours. left my messages on seen. when i had crisis moments he ignored me that i tried ended myself one night. he started asking for photos alot and saving them knowing that i have a hard time saying no. like when he encouraged me to block a pedo that i couldnt say no to cause i was scared. he started being weird. i knew what he was doing. i knew it all from the very start. but i never said anything. because i was scared to death. i always told myself. he was always there for you. its THE LEAST you could do. then in the new year everything changed. he told me he wanted to talk. i thought i did something wrong or that he might have seen one of my reposts that felt disrespectful for him? but he just got a girlfriend. i was over the moon hearing this. cause a few months before he was venting that maybe love wasnt for him a d i was reassuring him that he will find her soon and i will be her bestfriend, what a fucking joke. i was soo happy. he said he has to put some boundaries. i told him im okay with that! because i was. then his messages got drier. one day i tried engaging a conversation with him. asking about him day. if he wanted to have the yapping time that we have almost everyday. he kept shutting everything down. then i asked him directly if i was bothering him. he said no, he was just tired. i told him i hope he rest well. but it clearly looked like he didnt wanna talk cause that was the last time we talk for 3 months. then a month before my birthday. he unadded me everywhere. i calmly went to discord and told him what i have been holding. i didnt break my promise, you did. because i told him i will never leave. he said it too. and i told him (when we were good friends) if he wanted to leave i wont stop him. he replied. saying that we both broke it. i sent him a screenshot of me months ago saying i will NOT force you. and told him im willing to talk and understand how did i break my promise. he sent a lot of texts gaslighting me. i didnt reply. i unadded him. but exactly 17 days later he made a friend requested. that was strange? i accepted it and asked him a one word question. what. thats it. he didnt answer for 5 days so i unadded him again. its been a month. exactly. everytime i get into midnight crisis i remember his words that we got better without each other and wish i could show him my state. i talked to my school counselor about it. but i was surprised when i told her that i wanted to talk about someone. and then before i could even talk i broke down. ugly tears. hyperventilating. total breakdown. its been 4 months. i dont think i will ever get over the one person that was there for me when no one wasnt. the toxic part from me was that i got attached and would tell him i dont care about my life after you leave. and his toxic part was that he waited. manipulated me to make sure i could never leave. i know it was toxic. but he really was the only one who knew how to talk to me. he was there staying up late when i was through my hardest time

i literally have a final exam tomorrow. and i didnt study at all since the first of the quarter. so i was like, okay i have to seriously lock in. i startef studying. 10 minutes in. i couldnt open my eyes anymore. so i told myself. 20 minutes nap. those tweenty minutes were 2 hours. the exam is in 18 hours and my head has nothing. i always suffer with this. and this is what kept me away from studying. its the fact that whenever i did. even if i slept 10 to 20 hours no matter what i cant focus past 10 (honestly im not thinking about studying. i entirely give up. cause this subject is the kind of subject people say its impossible to study in one day. and in the last monthly tests i got a 40 by luck)

idk if im the only one who is just...chill. like i dont even try to hide my scars. i wear short sleeves to school. and yes half my school including the teachers, principal, and the school principal know about my self harming, if someone asked me i tell them bluntly that im a survivor and i was struggling so it was my coping mechanism. to me its always that i think that why suffer the consquences of what got me through the hardest time? but idk. does anyone else feel okay with their scars. maybe even proud to be a survivor?

i struggle alot with house stress. and alot of mental health problems. sometimes i just stay in my bed all day. here is the thing. i want to study to be a software engineer. but looking at my state now. it seems impossible. i dont know what to do. judging by my mental health right now the idea of being a software engineer or even studying. heck even reading (i hate reading) sounds like a fairytale. what should i do

i do styros all the times and shit they burn as fuck. the pain is there for hours. but beans, beans to me are just concerning cause they may get infected more easily. but the pain is nothing. you literally cant feel the pain. only blood dripping.

yesterday i woke up and mom was targeting me without doing anything and today it escalated and i asked her what was i doing wrong and blah blah blah. and she was holding the belt saying if im cutting myself to feel pain then she will show me the real pain. and i cutted a HUGE bean infront of her and she let me bleed. i dont know what to do. i didnt mean to go THIS deep. it doesnt hurt. but im scared of infection. what do i do????

so i did a huge problem by talking to my school counselor about my self harm addiction. and she told the school. they called my mom and had a talk about my mental health. that was a few weeks ago. today i was in class normally. and since the school and teachers already know i decided to fuck what everyone think and wore short sleeves (BIG MISTAKE) something i need to say. my famil was part of the school making. like they were a part of building the school. so my school respect them so much. two of them visited today. and a teacher came in telling me the principal wants me. i of course was scared till i realized that my family just wanted to say hi. i was polite. smiling and hugging and thats when one of them saw my hands. the school principal and a few higher teachers were there so i genuinely felt my heart stop. wgen he asked whats that on my arm. he asked after. did you draw on your arm? haha, why? i told him i was just bored in class. but after i came i saw my mom in a terrible mood. when i asked her she sat me down and asked me what i did in school, weird. i told her the usual but she was asking specific question. when i kept asking what happened she showed me a message of my father telling her that the school called him to discuss about my mental health and now he is leavung his work and going to see what they want. and now im panicking and i feel dad will be really mad after he gets home

what should i do today??

today is my birthday. dad got me a cake. i kept telling him its not important over and over but he said he got it especially for me (aka custom cake). so i waited till he opened it. at first i thought maybe a ice-cream cake? since he said "before it melts". or the classic half fruits half chocolate cake. and i was just gonna lie about it and pretend i love it. but when i saw it i felt horrified. it was a picture of me with my dog on the cake. i turned away fast and started crying. I couldn't even lie. i told him over and over it looks so ugly and terrible (i have extreme bad self image of myself) he was confused and said it looked good. and i could see the hurt and confusion in his eyes but i couldnt even lie. i literally broke down and couldnt take a second look. i went to take a shower thinking it could cheer me up but it didnt. im still crying. and i dont know how to apologize for my reaction. i feel embarrassed about going up and apologizing and i dont want him knowing i have bad self-image