u/xx-stargirl-xx

Hello! I tried reading the guides in the FAQ but they were honestly really confusing, and then I did some research on Google but it was also confusing, I don't know most of the words and terms used. (I'm fifteen for context) Generally I just understand better when I'm hearing different thoughts person to person.

I don't know anything about stoicism, and I do mean anything. I literally just learned about it today. I'm super interested into different philosophies though (I am neurodivergent, it's a special interest) and I've been researching nihilism for a while now, and planned to research absurdism next, but now I'm super curious as to what this is.

What is stoicism generally? What does it mean to you? How do you apply it? What is it's value system? What does it teach?

Yeah, I'd love to learn about this, and I'd appreciate hearing anything ya'll have to share!!

Hello all! To preface what this is;

I'm in highschool, and I did a long interview during the school year both online and in person with the goal of interviewing different Christians of different denominations, beleifs, backgrounds, etc, to see why they are Christian.

I really enjoyed doing this project, and decided to continue it outside the school year, as a personal project, and have been doing both online and in person interviews, which brings me here!

In this project, there are a LOT of questions. Feel free to answer as many or as little as you'd like, as there are over 40. This is the formal interview script, but this is a forum, you don't have to answer them all, although it would be awesome if you did!

Now a bit about me; I am not religious, I am also not interested in converting to anything. I love learning about other beliefs, which is why I am doing this.

I'm also posting this in multiple different Christian subreddits, because I want perspectives across the board. I'm also not here to argue my beliefs, this is all about hearing others and I'm grateful for anyone who takes the time to respond.

Alright, here's the questions!

1. Tell me about your church community. What does community mean to you?

•How has your community helped you?

•What do you consider harm in your community?

•How do you prevent harm in that space?

2. Have you ever felt excluded from your community? (Any community)

3. Have you ever disagreed with people in your own congregation?

•Was the person you disagreed with peer or authority?

How has that impacted your relationship with community?

•Is it ongoing, or if it is resolved, how did you reach that point of resolution?

4. Have you ever been hurt by the church? Can you share about that- who perpetuated the hurt?

•Examples: Religious sect as a whole, congregation, specific church members, family, cult, priest etc.

5. How do you dress, and is it informed by your religious beliefs?

6. Do you believe in God?

• How do you envision god? (In terms of appearance and in terms of nature)

7. Do you believe that God is a He, and why?

8. Have you ever experienced anger at God?

(“Why would you do this to me” type sentiment)

• Do you still blame God, or if you do not, how did you work past that?

9. Do you pray?

•How do you pray?

10. Do you believe in Jesus?

•Why do you believe in Jesus specifically, when there are so many religions, all of which also have holy texts saying they are the way? Did you have a revelation, a wake up moment, a visceral feeling, etc?

11. Do you follow Jesus as a prophet or teacher, or is he the son of God to you?

12. How has your belief helped you?

13. Do you understand faith different to how your church/community would in any way?

14. Do you believe in spreading the gospel? If so, how?

•Why must you spread the gospel?

•How do you justify that morally?

15. Do you think the bible has changed when translated into different languages and across centuries?

16. Do you believe that the bible was written by a man about God or that God themselves wrote it?

17. Do you believe in an afterlife?

18. Do you believe in heaven? If so, tell me about your concept of heaven. Who goes to heaven?

19. Is going to heaven your end goal & main motive for practicing your religion?

• Are your personal convictions centered around wanting to go to heaven/be with God?

20. Do you believe in hell? If so, tell me what your concept of hell and what it is like. Who goes to hell?

• Why does hell exist?

• Do you think people can be redeemed after being condemned to hell?

• Is hell permanent?

• Do babies go to hell?

• Do people from other religions go to hell?

21. Do you believe in purgatory? If so, what is your concept of it? Who goes there?

• is it temporary or eternal?

22. Do you believe in ghosts/spirits/other entities besides God? (Could apply to demons, angels, saints, prophets, archangels, etc)

• Do you believe they're godsent, demonic or both?

What is the relationship between god and the devil?

23. If evil is lower than God, why does god let it exist?

24. How do you feel about other sects of Christianity? Are they valid?

• Is there only one way to be a Christian or multiple?

• Do you want to convert other Christians to your religious path and way of practicing christianity?

• How would you go about talking to someone who is also a Christian but has different beliefs than you?

25. If you are non-denominational, why? (only applies to non denominational folks)

26. What are your thoughts on megachurches?

27. What are your thoughts on the LGBTQ community?

• Do you know of any people who are part of this community? Is there anybody close to you who is LGBTQ?

• Do you think of yourself as a supporter/ally, neutral, against, or part of this community?

• Do you believe homophobia is a real problem?

28. Do you believe in the mentality of love the sinner but not the sin?

29. Do you believe in sin?

• Do you believe in all the little sins?

• Do you believe that some sins are worse than others?

• Do you think there are any unforgivable sins? If so, what?

30. Is god a perfect being, or has god maybe messed up or sinned?

31. How do you handle religious doubt in your life?

• Is reliance on faith alone enough?

• Do you believe in God and their love for you in these times?

32. What do you think about Christian discrimination?

• do you believe it is present in the United States and other majority Christian countries?

• How would you describe the discrimination? Have you experienced it?

• Do you think it is actual discrimination, people disagreeing with Christian beliefs, or both/depends?

33. Is it possible to be a good person who's never been exposed to religion?

34. Is it possible to be a good person who chooses not to be religious?

35. Are "Good" people and "Godly" people different or mutually exclusive? Can you be a good person and still go to hell because you weren't religious?

36. Is it ethical to raise kids going to church without exposure to other worldviews/religions?

• Is it ethical to take kids to church at all?

37. Are there any acts or organizations that are inherently bad?

38. Is science willed by God, or did God create everything themselves?

•Do you believe in evolution?

•Do you believe in the big bang?

39. Have you ever struggled with mental health or substance abuse?

• How has your religious practice helped or harmed that?

40. Why do you believe in the Christian God, when there are so many deities believed in?

41. Were you raised Christian? (And anything else you'd like to share about your childhood)

42. Is there anything I haven’t asked about that you would like to share?

Thank you for reading through/answering/being here! And thank you so much to anyone who answered!

Have a lovely day everyone! :)

Hello all! To preface what this is;

I'm in highschool, and I did a long interview during the school year both online and in person with the goal of interviewing different Christians of different denominations, beleifs, backgrounds, etc, to see why they are Christian.

I really enjoyed doing this project, and decided to continue it outside the school year, as a personal project, and have been doing both online and in person interviews, which brings me here!

In this project, there are a LOT of questions. Feel free to answer as many or as little as you'd like, as there are over 40. This is the formal interview script, but this is a forum, you don't have to answer them all, although it would be awesome if you did!

Now a bit about me; I am not religious, I am also not interested in converting to anything. I love learning about other beliefs, which is why I am doing this.

I'm also posting this in multiple different Christian subreddits, because I want perspectives across the board. I'm also not here to argue my beliefs, this is all about hearing others and I'm grateful for anyone who takes the time to respond.

Alright, here's the questions!

1. Tell me about your church community. What does community mean to you?

•How has your community helped you?

•What do you consider harm in your community?

•How do you prevent harm in that space?

2. Have you ever felt excluded from your community? (Any community)

3. Have you ever disagreed with people in your own congregation?

•Was the person you disagreed with peer or authority?

How has that impacted your relationship with community?

•Is it ongoing, or if it is resolved, how did you reach that point of resolution?

4. Have you ever been hurt by the church? Can you share about that- who perpetuated the hurt?

•Examples: Religious sect as a whole, congregation, specific church members, family, cult, priest etc.

5. How do you dress, and is it informed by your religious beliefs?

6. Do you believe in God?

• How do you envision god? (In terms of appearance and in terms of nature)

7. Do you believe that God is a He, and why?

8. Have you ever experienced anger at God?

(“Why would you do this to me” type sentiment)

• Do you still blame God, or if you do not, how did you work past that?

9. Do you pray?

•How do you pray?

10. Do you believe in Jesus?

•Why do you believe in Jesus specifically, when there are so many religions, all of which also have holy texts saying they are the way? Did you have a revelation, a wake up moment, a visceral feeling, etc?

11. Do you follow Jesus as a prophet or teacher, or is he the son of God to you?

12. How has your belief helped you?

13. Do you understand faith different to how your church/community would in any way?

14. Do you believe in spreading the gospel? If so, how?

•Why must you spread the gospel?

•How do you justify that morally?

15. Do you think the bible has changed when translated into different languages and across centuries?

16. Do you believe that the bible was written by a man about God or that God themselves wrote it?

17. Do you believe in an afterlife?

18. Do you believe in heaven? If so, tell me about your concept of heaven. Who goes to heaven?

19. Is going to heaven your end goal & main motive for practicing your religion?

• Are your personal convictions centered around wanting to go to heaven/be with God?

20. Do you believe in hell? If so, tell me what your concept of hell and what it is like. Who goes to hell?

• Why does hell exist?

• Do you think people can be redeemed after being condemned to hell?

• Is hell permanent?

• Do babies go to hell?

• Do people from other religions go to hell?

21. Do you believe in purgatory? If so, what is your concept of it? Who goes there?

• is it temporary or eternal?

22. Do you believe in ghosts/spirits/other entities besides God? (Could apply to demons, angels, saints, prophets, archangels, etc)

• Do you believe they're godsent, demonic or both?

What is the relationship between god and the devil?

23. If evil is lower than God, why does god let it exist?

24. How do you feel about other sects of Christianity? Are they valid?

• Is there only one way to be a Christian or multiple?

• Do you want to convert other Christians to your religious path and way of practicing christianity?

• How would you go about talking to someone who is also a Christian but has different beliefs than you?

25. If you are non-denominational, why? (only applies to non denominational folks)

26. What are your thoughts on megachurches?

27. What are your thoughts on the LGBTQ community?

• Do you know of any people who are part of this community? Is there anybody close to you who is LGBTQ?

• Do you think of yourself as a supporter/ally, neutral, against, or part of this community?

• Do you believe homophobia is a real problem?

28. Do you believe in the mentality of love the sinner but not the sin?

29. Do you believe in sin?

• Do you believe in all the little sins?

• Do you believe that some sins are worse than others?

• Do you think there are any unforgivable sins? If so, what?

30. Is god a perfect being, or has god maybe messed up or sinned?

31. How do you handle religious doubt in your life?

• Is reliance on faith alone enough?

• Do you believe in God and their love for you in these times?

32. What do you think about Christian discrimination?

• do you believe it is present in the United States and other majority Christian countries?

• How would you describe the discrimination? Have you experienced it?

• Do you think it is actual discrimination, people disagreeing with Christian beliefs, or both/depends?

33. Is it possible to be a good person who's never been exposed to religion?

34. Is it possible to be a good person who chooses not to be religious?

35. Are "Good" people and "Godly" people different or mutually exclusive? Can you be a good person and still go to hell because you weren't religious?

36. Is it ethical to raise kids going to church without exposure to other worldviews/religions?

• Is it ethical to take kids to church at all?

37. Are there any acts or organizations that are inherently bad?

38. Is science willed by God, or did God create everything themselves?

•Do you believe in evolution?

•Do you believe in the big bang?

39. Have you ever struggled with mental health or substance abuse?

• How has your religious practice helped or harmed that?

40. Why do you believe in the Christian God, when there are so many deities believed in?

41. Were you raised Christian? (And anything else you'd like to share about your childhood)

42. Is there anything I haven’t asked about that you would like to share?

Thank you for reading through/answering/being here! And thank you so much to anyone who answered!

Have a lovely day everyone! :)

Hello all! I wasn't sure what flair to put so I just put discussion, and this may not be the right subreddit for questions, I'm just looking for benzo addition specific answers and posting where it may work, but if it's not please let me know!

I'm a writer, one of my characters used to be a drug addict. I know a fair amount about addiction, I've done a ton of research on it, talked to people, etc. Recently, I've started doing a lot of research into different commonly abused drugs. I haven't decided which drugs my character used to be on, because I wanted to really understand their effects and withdrawals and everything before writing, and I find asking people who've experienced it to be obviously one of the best sources.

I am prescribed benzos for panic attacks so I know what they feel like on low doses, and I can definitely see why they'd be super addictive, especially on higher doses, but I haven't personally had dependance or addiction. I have a list of questions, if anyone knows the answers it's much appreciated!

1. Can you have a mild benzo addiction? I know that serious addictions make withdrawal a living hell, and can sometimes kill you, is withdrawal the same for mild addiction?

2. When does dependence turn into addiction? Were there physical signs? Was it a blurry line? Is dependence physical at all?

3. Can you have a mild withdrawal? Do/can you have lasting side effects (ie tremors, migraines, etc) even after withdrawal? Is it possible to quit cold turkey? At what severity of addiction do you risk seizures and death, or is it at all stages?

4. Do doctors in a rehab/medical setting take you off cold turkey and give you meds to help, or do they cut you down on benzos little by little?

5. What is the minimum amount of time withdrawal can take, and what is a maximum? (In most cases)

6. What did you feel like while on it? (Euphoric, floaty, etc) did you ever have negative effects? (Psycosis, panic attacks, depression etc.) Were there side effects?

7. What are things about addiction that you wish others knew?

Wishing you all luck in your recovery!!

I've had emetophobia since I was seven. I got this terrible stomach flu and threw up, and have been deathly afraid of it since. I developed ARFID that year due to the fear, lost a ton of weight, etc.

I've been doing some healing in therapy and I got both an autism diagnosis and an OCD diagnosis which have made a lot of sense, but I also got chronically ill, (long COVID and POTS) when I was eleven. (15 now.) I'm permanently disabled and go through a lot of stuff with it, and I developed a fear of sickness along with my emetophobia. I still get horrific panic attacks if someone throws up/has a cold, or if I do.

Anyway, the success!! Today I had a friend over, at some point during the hangout they went to the bathroom, and let me know when they got back that they threw up a bit. They're very considerate and asked if they should leave or if we should go outside. (They're very prone to throwing up, pretty much always from stress. They also don't get hunger cues and had just eaten a bunch of fruit, that was probably just too much and they didn't realize.) I stayed calm!! I just asked if they felt sick, they said no, I asked if they were stressed, they said yes. I said that we should be good then, and I haven't panicked at all!!

I even took a bath later in the same bathroom (after spraying some disinfectant) but still! I'm so happy, I'm not freaking out at all! Very proud of myself and progress, I can't wait to tell my therapist!

Potentially triggering! Vauge mentions of throwing up

I've had emetophobia since I was seven. I got this terrible stomach flu and threw up, and have been deathly afraid of it since. I developed ARFID that year due to the fear, lost a ton of weight, etc.

I've been doing some healing in therapy and I got both an autism diagnosis and an OCD diagnosis which have made a lot of sense, but I also got chronically ill, (long COVID and POTS) when I was eleven. (15 now.) I'm permanently disabled and go through a lot of stuff with it, and I developed a fear of sickness along with my emetophobia. I still get horrific panic attacks if someone throws up/has a cold, or if I do.

Anyway, the success!! Today I had a friend over, at some point during the hangout they went to the bathroom, and let me know when they got back that they threw up a bit. They're very considerate and asked if they should leave or if we should go outside. (They're very prone to throwing up, pretty much always from stress. They also don't get hunger cues and had just eaten a bunch of fruit, that was probably just too much and they didn't realize.) I stayed calm!! I just asked if they felt sick, they said no, I asked if they were stressed, they said yes. I said that we should be good then, and I haven't panicked at all!!

I even took a bath later in the same bathroom (after spraying some disinfectant) but still! I'm so happy, I'm not freaking out at all! Very proud of myself and progress, I can't wait to tell my therapist!

I've had emetophobia since I was seven. I got this terrible stomach flu and threw up, and have been deathly afraid of it since. I developed ARFID that year due to the fear, lost a ton of weight, etc.

I've been doing some healing in therapy and I got both an autism diagnosis and an OCD diagnosis which have made a lot of sense, but I also got chronically ill, (long COVID and POTS) when I was eleven. (15 now.) I'm permanently disabled and go through a lot of stuff with it, and I developed a fear of sickness along with my emetophobia. I still get horrific panic attacks if someone throws up/has a cold, or if I do.

Anyway, the success!! Today I had a friend over, at some point during the hangout they went to the bathroom, and let me know when they got back that they threw up a bit. They're very considerate and asked if they should leave or if we should go outside. (They're very prone to throwing up, pretty much always from stress. They also don't get hunger cues and had just eaten a bunch of fruit, that was probably just too much and they didn't realize.) I stayed calm!! I just asked if they felt sick, they said no, I asked if they were stressed, they said yes. I said that we should be good then, and I haven't panicked at all!!

I even took a bath later in the same bathroom (after spraying some disinfectant) but still! I'm so happy, I'm not freaking out at all! Very proud of myself and progress, I can't wait to tell my therapist!

Hello! I've avoided posting here because I'm technically an otherfix which is pretty unheard of

(A temporary alterhuman identity caused by a hyperfixation that varies in intensity as the hyperfixation varies in intensity, can end up staying permanently) but it falls under the umbrella so I thought why not!

Hey, I'm Sirius Black, NOT the original version. I am a version of them that is very much only from fanon and fanfic, and is pretty much an OC at this point. I do not support JK Rowling!! I am not the Harry Potter version of Sirius (nothing against you if u kin that one ofc!) But the young marauders era version.

I use they/he pronouns, and she/they/he pronouns for Sirius. Doubles are fine, I just have pretty specific hcs for them and I have some trouble with perceived mischaracterization, so please don't argue about which hcs are correct or the version of them that I kin.

Uhh yeah that's about it but I'm glad to be here!

I'm posting here because I need advice and I need to stop myself before I accidentally fall down this rabbit hole. I'm a teenager, not gonna say age. For context;

I have never had any issues with my body before. I am chronically ill, so I guess partly struggling so much with my health just makes me appreciate the body I have.

Every doctor I've been to says I am at a healthy weight. My mom taught me from a young age that all bodies are beautiful, so except for a bit when I was like ten, I've never been insecure, in fact, I've always thought I'm beautiful, and that my stomach just makes me look like aphrodite, and my stretch marks are like tiger stripes.

Now to the issue. I think in normal teenage fashion probably, I started noticing myself or weight. Not in a self conscious way. Not judging myself. I've just been sort of noticing things, like how all the cool girls at my school are thin, how all the alt girls at school are thin and all the thin girls wear low waisted stuff and have belly button rings and wear skin tight stuff but the bigger girls don't do that.

How a bigger girl and a really thin girl get treated differently wearing the same thing.

I started noticing that. I haven't been insecure abt it, just kinda noticing it. But recently I've been thinking that it would be a bit nice to be skinny, because then I could get cute clothes easily and not have to search everywhere for them. I only buy from thrift stores and small businesses, and that makes it really hard to find cheap, plus size, or clothes that I actually like.

So recently I ended up on ED Tumblr. This is the big part of the issue. It was initially because the tags recommended it. I was scrolling mental health tags, and it recommended worse and worse ones and I didn't click off. I ended up scrolling for like 2 hours. It was just really kinda mesmerizing, but I wasn't feeling insecure or anything.

But then I ended up doing it again and again, just because I was bored and it's addictive. I started wishing that I could look a bit more like that, but not actually like feeling bad about myself for not looking like that or wanting to do anything about it, just noticing it.

But last night I was scrolling and I ended up saving pictures of thinspo. It just hits some part of my mind that wants to look thin or sick and it equates that to being cool and I don't know why, because I know that's not true. But it doesn't stop me sort of wishing I could be thin and smoking a cigarette and all that "aesthetic" stuff that I KNOW isn't true. So I don't know why I still kinda want it.

The part I'm really worried about is that this has kind of happened before, influencing something on myself. I started watching these Christian videos like 2 years ago, they were basically the most conservative hateful stuff you could find. Because I felt guilty for being queer and thought it couldn't hurt. I ended up watching videos for hours every day about how I was damned to hell. Even talked to some of them too, because I thought I deserved the guilt. I ended up basically inducing religious trauma on myself because I thought nothing would happen. I'm still doing therapy to heal.

I'm easily susceptible to those kinds of influences, and it could happen with this too, and I'm terrified it will.

I need advice on how to get out before I go too deep, because I'm not very insecure yet. I need someone to tell me the actual reality of this. I can't have some glorified picture of it in my head and I need to get out before it's actually too late and I get stuck.

Any advice is very appreciated.

I'm posting here because I need advice and I need to stop myself before I accidentally fall down this rabbit hole. I'm a teenager, not gonna say age. For context;

I have never had any issues with my body before. I am chronically ill, so I guess partly struggling so much with my health just makes me appreciate the body I have.

Every doctor I've been to says I am at a healthy weight. My mom taught me from a young age that all bodies are beautiful, so except for a bit when I was like ten, I've never been insecure, in fact, I've always thought I'm beautiful, and that my stomach just makes me look like aphrodite, and my stretch marks are like tiger stripes.

Now to the issue. I think in normal teenage fashion probably, I started noticing myself or weight. Not in a self conscious way. Not judging myself. I've just been sort of noticing things, like how all the cool girls at my school are thin, how all the alt girls at school are thin and all the thin girls wear low waisted stuff and have belly button rings and wear skin tight stuff but the bigger girls don't do that.

How a bigger girl and a really thin girl get treated differently wearing the same thing.

I started noticing that. I haven't been insecure abt it, just kinda noticing it. But recently I've been thinking that it would be a bit nice to be skinny, because then I could get cute clothes easily and not have to search everywhere for them. I only buy from thrift stores and small businesses, and that makes it really hard to find cheap, plus size, or clothes that I actually like.

So recently I ended up on ED Tumblr. This is the big part of the issue. It was initially because the tags recommended it. I was scrolling mental health tags, and it recommended worse and worse ones and I didn't click off. I ended up scrolling for like 2 hours. It was just really kinda mesmerizing, but I wasn't feeling insecure or anything.

But then I ended up doing it again and again, just because I was bored and it's addictive. I started wishing that I could look a bit more like that, but not actually like feeling bad about myself for not looking like that or wanting to do anything about it, just noticing it.

But last night I was scrolling and I ended up saving pictures of thinspo. It just hits some part of my mind that wants to look thin or sick and it equates that to being cool and I don't know why, because I know that's not true. But it doesn't stop me sort of wishing I could be thin and smoking a cigarette and all that "aesthetic" stuff that I KNOW isn't true. So I don't know why I still kinda want it.

The part I'm really worried about is that this has kind of happened before, influencing something on myself. I started watching these Christian videos like 2 years ago, they were basically the most conservative hateful stuff you could find. Because I felt guilty for being queer and thought it couldn't hurt. I ended up watching videos for hours every day about how I was damned to hell. Even talked to some of them too, because I thought I deserved the guilt. I ended up basically inducing religious trauma on myself because I thought nothing would happen. I'm still doing therapy to heal.

I'm easily susceptible to those kinds of influences, and it could happen with this too, and I'm terrified it will.

I need advice on how to get out before I go too deep, because I'm not very insecure yet. I need someone to tell me the actual reality of this. I can't have some glorified picture of it in my head and I need to get out before it's actually too late and I get stuck.

Any advice is very appreciated.

I'm posting here because I need advice and I need to stop myself before I accidentally fall down this rabbit hole. I'm a teenager, not gonna say age. For context;

I have never had any issues with my body before. I am chronically ill, so I guess partly struggling so much with my health just makes me appreciate the body I have.

Every doctor I've been to says I am at a healthy weight. My mom taught me from a young age that all bodies are beautiful, so except for a bit when I was like ten, I've never been insecure, in fact, I've always thought I'm beautiful, and that my stomach just makes me look like aphrodite, and my stretch marks are like tiger stripes.

Now to the issue. I think in normal teenage fashion probably, I started noticing myself or weight. Not in a self conscious way. Not judging myself. I've just been sort of noticing things, like how all the cool girls at my school are thin, how all the alt girls at school are thin and all the thin girls wear low waisted stuff and have belly button rings and wear skin tight stuff but the bigger girls don't do that.

How a bigger girl and a really thin girl get treated differently wearing the same thing.

I started noticing that. I haven't been insecure abt it, just kinda noticing it. But recently I've been thinking that it would be a bit nice to be skinny, because then I could get cute clothes easily and not have to search everywhere for them. I only buy from thrift stores and small businesses, and that makes it really hard to find cheap, plus size, or clothes that I actually like.

So recently I ended up on ED Tumblr. This is the big part of the issue. It was initially because the tags recommended it. I was scrolling mental health tags, and it recommended worse and worse ones and I didn't click off. I ended up scrolling for like 2 hours. It was just really kinda mesmerizing, but I wasn't feeling insecure or anything.

But then I ended up doing it again and again, just because I was bored and it's addictive. I started wishing that I could look a bit more like that, but not actually like feeling bad about myself for not looking like that or wanting to do anything about it, just noticing it.

But last night I was scrolling and I ended up saving pictures of thinspo. It just hits some part of my mind that wants to look thin or sick and it equates that to being cool and I don't know why, because I know that's not true. But it doesn't stop me sort of wishing I could be thin and smoking a cigarette and all that "aesthetic" stuff that I KNOW isn't true. So I don't know why I still kinda want it.

The part I'm really worried about is that this has kind of happened before, influencing something on myself. I started watching these Christian videos like 2 years ago, they were basically the most conservative hateful stuff you could find. Because I felt guilty for being queer and thought it couldn't hurt. I ended up watching videos for hours every day about how I was damned to hell. Even talked to some of them too, because I thought I deserved the guilt. I ended up basically inducing religious trauma on myself because I thought nothing would happen. I'm still doing therapy to heal.

I'm easily susceptible to those kinds of influences, and it could happen with this too, and I'm terrified it will.

I need advice on how to get out before I go too deep, because I'm not very insecure yet. I need someone to tell me the actual reality of this. I can't have some glorified picture of it in my head and I need to get out before it's actually too late and I get stuck.

Any advice is very appreciated.

Sorry, I didn't know how to tag this.

I'm posting here because I need advice and I need to stop myself before I accidentally fall down this rabbit hole. I'm a teenager, not gonna say age. For context;

I have never had any issues with my body before. I am chronically ill, so I guess partly struggling so much with my health just makes me appreciate the body I have.

Every doctor I've been to says I am at a healthy weight. My mom taught me from a young age that all bodies are beautiful, so except for a bit when I was like ten, I've never been insecure, in fact, I've always thought I'm beautiful, and that my stomach just makes me look like aphrodite, and my stretch marks are like tiger stripes.

Now to the issue. I think in normal teenage fashion probably, I started noticing myself or weight. Not in a self conscious way. Not judging myself. I've just been sort of noticing things, like how all the cool girls at my school are thin, how all the alt girls at school are thin and all the thin girls wear low waisted stuff and have belly button rings and wear skin tight stuff but the bigger girls don't do that.

How a bigger girl and a really thin girl get treated differently wearing the same thing.

I started noticing that. I haven't been insecure abt it, just kinda noticing it. But recently I've been thinking that it would be a bit nice to be skinny, because then I could get cute clothes easily and not have to search everywhere for them. I only buy from thrift stores and small businesses, and that makes it really hard to find cheap, plus size, or clothes that I actually like.

So recently I ended up on ED Tumblr. This is the big part of the issue. It was initially because the tags recommended it. I was scrolling mental health tags, and it recommended worse and worse ones and I didn't click off. I ended up scrolling for like 2 hours. It was just really kinda mesmerizing, but I wasn't feeling insecure or anything.

But then I ended up doing it again and again, just because I was bored and it's addictive. I started wishing that I could look a bit more like that, but not actually like feeling bad about myself for not looking like that or wanting to do anything about it, just noticing it.

But last night I was scrolling and I ended up saving pictures of thinspo. It just hits some part of my mind that wants to look thin or sick and it equates that to being cool and I don't know why, because I know that's not true. But it doesn't stop me sort of wishing I could be thin and smoking a cigarette and all that "aesthetic" stuff that I KNOW isn't true. So I don't know why I still kinda want it.

The part I'm really worried about is that this has kind of happened before, influencing something on myself. I started watching these Christian videos like 2 years ago, they were basically the most conservative hateful stuff you could find. Because I felt guilty for being queer and thought it couldn't hurt. I ended up watching videos for hours every day about how I was damned to hell. Even talked to some of them too, because I thought I deserved the guilt. I ended up basically inducing religious trauma on myself because I thought nothing would happen. I'm still doing therapy to heal.

I'm easily susceptible to those kinds of influences, and it could happen with this too, and I'm terrified it will.

I need advice on how to get out before I go too deep, because I'm not very insecure yet. I need someone to tell me the actual reality of this. I can't have some glorified picture of it in my head and I need to get out before it's actually too late and I get stuck.

Any advice is very appreciated.

My first fic!! It's a one shot where Sirius and Remus discuss God :)