u/yuri-festa

One of my most random high school memories was the school getting a visit from what me and my friends used to refer to as 'christian n-dubz'. They were basically like a rip off of the group (which was semi popular back then) in terms of style and vibe but were Christian and made religious music. They clearly weren't a big deal and were making money off of visiting schools and selling albums and doing one off gigs in school gyms. I don't have a particular connection to them other than this but it always struck me as funny as our school was kinda prim and proper and only really religious on paper so getting a group that was like ndubbz but sung about jesus performing for us and the teachers was kind of a bit silly but memorable in its own way. Thought it'd be fun to finally remember what they were called.

This happened around the early to mid 2010s in Altrincham, so I assume they were north west UK based. Not sure if they ever had social media or a youtube or anything but I assume they did given the time and their promotion tactics. That's all the detail I can think of for now.

I've tried to look into this a bit, but haven't really found any answers so I guess I'm just looking to see if anyone else has ever felt the same? I'm diagnosed and have had really obvious and consistent special interests most of my life, but I'm also in a really rough patch of mental and physical health where even the usual stuff that would usually be manageable or fun is getting kinda. Wacky? I also just have no idea how I'd bring this up to a medical professional haha.

The thing that's been bothering me the most lately is about my special interest, the one I'm most interested in and have been for the longest probably so it's easier to tell that something's off. Basically, as of the last couple years or so, I've had this weird feeling where I love thinking about it, buying merch for it, posting about it, etc. but I've started having these involuntary super strong negative emotions that feel like being overwhelmed or like I 'can't look', when engaging with like. Watching the show, reading it, looking at the merch I buy a second too long before putting it back in the box, looking at fanart for more than a few seconds. All of that stuff feels like I either can only do it with my eyes half focused on it, or super quickly, in the corner of my vision, or only when I'm too tired to have any inhibitions or have a 'framing' for it, like offering to watch with a friend. I really don't get it at all. I'm tabling at my first con soon and wanted to make something for it as a self indulgent thing, but I keep panicking so much about screwing it up it seems unlikely, which sucks cause I'd love to see if anyone recognises it for my own satisfaction, and if anyone's got ideas for it, it's the guy who makes it their entire personaity.

I don't feel guilty about my favourite thing, never have, if anything I'm probably the person that posts the most about it in the world right now (I want to engage with it more, actually, even though it's always in the forefront of my head. I feel like I'm not doing 'enough' for it which is a separate problem) and I've been autistic about it in a positive way most of my life. But its got to the point I feel hesitant to talk about it with internet friends who enjoy it, trying to draw the specific characters from it makes me stare at the blank canvas for days because I'm too paranoid to screw it up, I can't read fanfic or look at fanart and want to make both of those things but feel like I can't even if a few years ago I probably could try. Heck, these days I quickly retweet and just scroll past it like its a hot potato even though it literally makes my heart race cause it makes me happy. It feels like a really strong emotion somewhere between panic shame and being overwhelmed but none of those are my actual feelings, it's like my intense positive feelings are being rerouted by force? It's involuntary and confusing and I feel like I'm losing control over my head. I'm just kinda going a bit insane over this, cause it sounds like an insignificant thing that's just a me problem but it's genuinely bothering me rly bad in a time of my life where there's not much that can keep me happy other than the things I like. I just kinda want to know if anyone else has dealt with this.