u/Agreeable_Stop8112

I am so tired of hating everything about myself. I’m scared for my future and that I’ll never find love because of the way I look and the way I am. I seriously don’t get why I suck so much in every way possible. I wish so bad I could have been born anyone else. I keep comparing myself to other people and trying to change myself to be more like them. But whatever I do, I’m never pretty, skinny, cool, smart, talented or interesting like they are. I feel like I constantly have to better myself and can never truly be happy with the way I am. Not only that, but I keep seeing pictures/videos of how I used to look, what I used to wear or what I used to do, and every single time I’m filled with shame and regret. It’s the worst when I remember that I at that time used to think I was pretty or cool or wtvr and I now realize how much I wasn’t. This might not seem like a big deal but it is to me. It’s just a reminder of how no matter what I think, I will never stop being this ugly, weird, uninteresting person.

Ive watched a few animes, but im a little hesitant to call myself an otaku/anime fan since i feel i might not have watched enough and would be called a poser.

For reference, these are the animes I have watched:

paprika

your name

a silent voice

a bunch of studio ghibli movies

smile precure

little witch academia

onegai my melody

sailor moon

Junko ito manic

jinju ito collection 

Uzimaki 

Saiki k 

Death note 

The summer hikaru died 

Paradise kiss

Im constantly pretending to be human like everybody else. I pretend to have interest, hobbies and a personality. Like everybody else does. But really, I don’t have those things. I don’t actually like any of the things I claim to like. I only say I like them because I want people to think I do. Because I think it makes me likable, cool or interesting. And I don’t think or feel the way I say, either. It’s all just an act. I don’t actually have a personality. I only pretend to. And when I am with other people, this works. I play this role I made for myself and It’s not necessarily nice, but it works. And I seem (mostly) like a normal human. When I’m not with people, though, it’s different. I don’t know what I like. I don’t know how I’m supposed to think. I don’t know what I want to do. I don’t know how to feel. I know what I claim to like. And what I claim to think. But I don’t know if that’s actually true or not. It’s like I forgot what things are lies and what isn’t. Maybe all of it is. I don’t know who I am. So maybe I am not anyone at all. Not when I’m alone, anyway. Maybe I only am human when other people can see me.

I know I’m not considered good at all, but I can’t really tell how bad people would consider me to be.
I can clear songs up to lvl 24, if it’s higher than that I play hard.
I can full combo songs up to about lvl 20, but that’s with a lot of effort and most of the time I won’t full combo even if I’m on a much lower lvl.
I’ve barely ever gotten an all perfect.
For context I’ve had the game for about 8 months but I play very rarely and over half the time Ive had the game I haven’t played at all.

I have struggled with an eating disorder (originally anorexia but has now sort of turned into bulimia) and bdd for years. I’m now physically recovered from my eating disorder but still very sick mentally. I genuinely believe I will never be able to find a partner or have sex because of the way my body now looks. I have AA boobs, a small butt and I’m also not super skinny (my bmi is around 19). This makes me feel unattractive and less of a woman. My face is in my opinion avarage looking but not good enough to make up for my body. I keep constantly comparing myself to my friends (though I know that’s bad and I’m trying to stop), they all are either skinnier than me or have more curves than me. I also constantly wear false lashes and push up bras, not even showing my face without any makeup to my closest friends. But I know that if I ever want to get into a relationship or get intimate with anyone I’ll have to show them what I actually look like and what my body looks like underneath my clothes and I am sure that if I do that I will be deemed extremely unattractive and unlovable.