u/ConditionStrict919

There are a few things that help. Knowing beer and weed exist and that I could have some any time I want helps because it helps me view these substances as not super special. I could literally go to the store and buy some now if I want.

It helps me stay sober. It helps me get out of this mindset where it's like...I need to be taking every opportunity to get high because there are only so many opportunities.

I've noticed I approach substances and sobriety in the same way. Like...life is hard and I need to squeeze every last ounce down to the last for it to have meant anything.

But paradoxically the same thing that makes me want to smoke all the time is the same thing that makes me feel like there is no time for anything when sober.

It's like...being sober...being high...whatever. Both states fall victim to this internal notion that there is no time and life is short so I have to be 100% in every thing I do.

But the reality is opportunities come and go and weed and booze are just a few blocks away if that's what I really want in the same way living a fulfilling life is only a few blocks away metaphorically if I want too.

What helps you stay sober.

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Just made it over three months then I hit a gummy and a bunch of joints this past week. Now I am back to just over 24 hours. Go me.

The family is full of PHDs and Professionals and important people. I am a loser who failed to launch. I feel like crap most of the time and like I fucked it all up. Distanced myself from everyone and now I sort of just want to disappear because I can't live up to the pressure of being from this family.

I gave up weed. I've mostly given up booze. I use pornography maybe three times a week. Sometimes I end up binging it but usually I can avoid it.

I think it's time to give it up for good though. I don't really need it. I'm not in a happy place and I think so many compulsive behaviours contribute to that because they hold me back from the things that would make me truly happy.

I started using it when I was about ten years old. It became a habit where every day after school I would use it. Like all addictions the type of stuff I was into became worse and worse and more pronounced.

I don't really know what it's done to my brain and perceptions but I have a desire to go back to whatever baseline is possible. Right now I'm somewhere around 20 hours. Generally speaking 72 is my max so right now I'm trying to beat that.

That's all for now.

I'm the loser cousin who got addicted to drugs and alcohol and had a bad string of relationships with various people and ended up doing nothing with his life. Up until recently I was basically a neet but thanks to therapy I'm doing a lot better now. To make matters worse I come from a highly educated highly achieving family full of PHDs and "really awesome" people and I know they look down on me for what I am.

Yeah, some of the ways I lived was pretty fucked up. I borrowed money that I couldn't pay back. I was using substances everyday. I lied to my family and the people around me. I was abusive towards people who I loved. I was overall an extremely fucked up person and I'm glad all that shit is behind me.

I guess all I want to say to them is that I don't care if you have a ton of money and a ton of respect. You are still sucking off someone's tit just like me. Whether you are sucking off the taxpayer or sucking off the proceeds of capitalism you are still beholden to your circumstances, just like me. You are only a mental health episode, a bad breakup or a health issue away from ending up just like me. Whether you are the dancing monkey or ringleader you are still beholden to the circus.

You may think that you are special and that you pulled yourself up by your own bootstraps but the reality is you didn't. If I take away your accolades you would find another way to feel superior because that's the type of people you are.

There are high achieving people out there who are actually okay people as well who don't have personalities that revolve around a weird superiority complex and I respect those people. But not you guys. You guys suck.

I'm glad things are much better now. I'm glad I am actually in a place where I can be okay and honest. It feels good.

It was time to quit. I didn't need it anymore. It was clogging up my system. I basically gave up booze though I drink once every three weeks or so. Weed it's been a big fat zero.

It's hard. My real problems have shown up. They aren't pretty. The emotional problems inside that I was running from. They are overwhelming some days. I'm staying strong.

Just realized I have a massive Fawn Response across everything I do. Basically I started taking this course and I realized I am essentially some version of a teacher's pet. I am constantly looking for approval from everyone around me. I am constantly looking to prove myself as competent. I am looking at the whole class through this lens of "am I good enough am I good enough". It's crazy. I am good enough. For sure.

But it's like...oftentimes I just feel like a fraud or like I am not in any way suited to the space and I try extra hard even though I don't need to.

The people who are supposed to be my family really aren't. The people who were supposed to have my back on certain things just don't. The people who are supposed to be there for me are not really there at all in any real emotional sense.

So I spent my time doing things to fulfill my emotional needs. I filled the needs that they couldn't in other ways. It didn't always leave me in the best situations.

That's all.

I used to really like this person but it all went wrong. He is good friends with people who were really messed up towards me and I found that it was an extremely one sided relationship that I had to let go of because it wasn't good for me

One minute he was super close but then he found the actual social group he wanted to be in and it was like he dumped me completely and never looked back.

All I can say is I'm happy to be rid of him. It's hard but ultimately what is best for me. Sometimes the trash takes itself out. I thought I had done something for a long time to deserve the dumping but the reality is I didn't do anything wrong. He found people he likes to chill with more and I'm happy for him.

It's hard because I'm trying to have less to do with my parents. I'm trying to keep the dynamic at arm's length. It's difficult. It's a really bad dynamic where I am obligated to do stuff for them but they are not obligated to do stuff for me so I end up being way over extended for a group of people that really don't help me out at all and also don't treat me the best.

It's really lame.

But also there are people in the family like my sisters who don't help either. They basically call me up and, whether they mean to or not, create a dynamic where I am expected to fulfill the wants and needs of my parents. It's lame.

That was a hard thing to realize. That my two sisters essentially do the same thing my parents do. They blow up my phone when something is needed and ignore me the rest of the time.

It's all functionally the same. Last time I stuck up for myself they essentially did what my parents do which is ignore what I tell them directly and refuse to answer or respond to me. It's like everyone in this family wants me to play a certain role while ignoring what I tell them directly.

Then they act like I'm somehow crazy or out of line for having negative feelings about the situation. When I was a kid they would abuse me into doing what they wanted but now that I'm an adult they choose to ignore me when I don't do what they want.

An old close friend of mine has stated multiple times that he is down to hang out but every time I try to make something happen he doesn't text me back. I've started to get the idea that maybe he is just telling me what I want to hear.

What are some ways to know that someone is giving you responses they don't really mean? Thank you for your time.

I hate people. They suck. I attract the worst people. Healthy people really want nothing to do with me. Ever since I was a child I've attracted the worst of the worst from my childhood best friends who were bullies. My adult friends basically used me then dumped me when I became too much.

It feels like everybody wants something from me. Nobody feels safe. Nobody feels "okay". People are fucking evil man. Nobody is a "safe person". They all have their quirks.

Even people who are "relatively okay". They are only "relatively okay" to me because I am a man and they don't view me with a sexual utility towards their dicks.

But it comes out in other ways.

People suck man. They really suck. I just want to be around people who I feel safe around but there is no safety. It's all a bunch of bullshit.

This societal net that we have...it only functions as long as you can reciprocate something.

But me...I either fawn to protect myself and end up with psychos or I appear unreadable to people and creep them the fuck out.

Literally been labeled some of the worst shit by people who don't fucking know me when it's like...I'm a relatively safe person...for most people...in most contexts...like the biggest risk you take with me is abusing me too much until I explode in reactivity but that's all.

I don't know if this is considered radical acceptance. I'm pretending that it is I guess.

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1. My Dad and my step Mom are abusive people. They are not "the worst" but they suck pretty hard. My life and the trajectory of my life is thousands of times worse off because they were in my life. No doubt about it.

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2. I have given way too much of my time and energy to individuals who would never, in a million years, give anything back to me. Don't get me wrong, they "tried" to give some stuff back to me but the reality is you can't really give anything back to someone like me because I was an abused child who put his whole heart and soul into "people pleasing". The amount I gave was staggering. The truth is I would actually worry if someone gave that amount to me. I would wonder if they are alright.

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3. My close friends have moved on from the dynamic we had . It was a dynamic that I was forced to split from, in part, because I gave too much of my "self" to a dynamic that would never give anything back to me.

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4. I burned over 15 years of my life on drugs, alcohol and dysfunctional relationships. I gave so much to people who only valued my people-pleasing behaviour.

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5. My coping strategies are, "perfectionism" and "people pleasing". When that doesn't work it switches over to, "avoidance" (splitting) and "drugs and alcohol".

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6. My expectations of people are messed up. I expect from them the same things I expect from myself. I expect both *too much* and *too little.*

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7. I am actually a very nice person. I am actually an okay person. As much as I want to say that I am horrible and shitty the reality is that I say I am horrible and shitty because it helps me make sense of the horrible decisions I've made. It's easier to say that I am bad than it is to say that I'm actually someone who is okay who deserves to feel happiness who has made all the wrong decisions for that happiness.

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8. I made so many bad decision out of a place of hurt. I made so many bad choices because I was hurt or being hurt. I was surrounded by people who actively prioritized their own issues over the safety of a child in their care and that has led to me making decisions that has put me down an extremely dark path.

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9. My friends actually like me. It seems like they don't because of how they treat me but the reality is they do like me.

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These are some of the true things I need to accept.

I've been feeling a lot of intense rejection lately because my old friend group that has been in my life for years and years has been, essentially, hanging out without me. It really hurts.

It is not like they rejected me entirely. They will, sometimes, invite me to places or act like they want to hang out but the reality is they hang out way more with one another as individuals and a group then they ever hang out with me anymore.

This rejection is a little bit of a perceived rejection but, also, it is a real rejection too in a number of senses. We have been through so much together and there were times when I was literally bending over backwards to do things that made sure they stayed in my life

I also committed real life resources towards them in a big big way. For example when I had access to housing I hooked them up with a cheap place to stay. It was years ago now but , at the time, a room was going for between 300 and 500 but I was giving it to them for between 150 and 200.

There were times when I was literally in need of a place to stay, just for a night, and one of them with a huge apartment couldn't even be bothered to put me up for a short amount of time.

Also one of them is really close to an ex of mine and that also hurts too, not so much because I feel entitled to their time and attention but they (the person who is close to my ex) is super aloof. It took a few years but I realized that this group of people would never in a million years go to the extent I went to keep them in my life.

That is the crux of the rejection for me. Essentially I treated them like I treated my own family but, the reality, is they wouldn't (and haven't) done even a quarter of the things I've done for them and it really hurts.

So yeah, it's a mix of perceived and real rejection. Perceived in the sense that they would almost certainly say that I am their friend and that they want me around somewhat but also real in the sense that I tried my very best to please them and it wasn't enough.

Like I literally did so so so much for them including...

Putting them up in a house, letting them stay with me whenever they needed, introducing them to my other close friends.

With one of them back in the day they were basically depressed and suicidal and they were basically cut out by everyone but me. I was the only one who had their back. Literally their best friend from grade one onward had cut them out, that's how bad it was. I was the one who was actually showing up for them. Me. Nobody else.

There's a lot more but I can't really write about it right now.

I'm not a perfect person, far from it. I wasn't the best person for them at times. I fully admit that. But the reality is I put my money where my mouth is on multiple occasions for these people and I suffered real world consequences for doing so.

It's hard to admit it but pulling away from them and leaning less into the "people pleasing instinct" is the correct thing to do.

When someone hurts you, how do you separate the paranoia that the hurt creates from the valid feelings of being hurt caused by the actions of the person?

I have this friend who really hurt me in a number of ways.

1. He covertly uninvited me from something he previously invited me to by acting like it was the weather that caused it to be off. The weather he spoke of never happens and then next time we speak he spoke of the event like it happened. This is after I spent all weekend helping him move so I sort of thought that an invite to the event would be an obvious thing to extend to me...which he did sort of be begrudginglymamd then immediately retracted.

2. He constantly says he will do something with me and then when something better comes along he just dumps me for that by saying, "oh I forgot I had this other thing" when it's pretty clear that something else came up.

3. He's made statements that imply that he's mad at me but he's super passive aggressive so I know we will never talk about the feelings. I suspect he's mad at me because I sort of just pulled away hard one day and never really spoke to him on any real level ever again for the reason mentioned above.

4. We have this mutual friend who I've known for longer than him and one time I gave him a ride to this mutual friends house. As we approached we were five min early and he had this pure panic in his face and was like, "let's go somewhere else. I'm 5 minutes early". And it's like...our mutual friend saw us idling in the car outside as I was saying this and invited me in along with him. It felt weird. Like dude...mutual doesn't care if I'm here...why do you? Keep in mind we hung out a fuck load all three of us so it's like...what changed...why are you panicked at the idea of all three of us hanging out?

It's like...it's fine...you don't need to invite me to shit if you don't want. I don't need to be a part of everything but it's like...we were super close at one point...like super close to the point where this person was showing up at my Mom's house uninvited when I wasn't around close...

And then the last two things that were the cherry on top were...

5. He took a super sentimental item out of my apartment to show to other people. It was a movie he and I made when we were kids and he took it to show to people who he would never invite me to.

6. He's befriended and became close with my ex girlfriend.

So it's like...I am extremely hurt by this and my response was to pull away which he also noticed by saying, "Oh we never do x y z anymore" and it's like...yeah dude...because of your actions. I feel bad when I'm around you...but I didn't tell him this. I don't know. It just really hurts and I feel like 99.9 percent of the people in my life don't treat me this way. It sucks.

Edit:

7. There is this pretty bad dude in my social circle who was pretty evil to me. I straight up told my friend if you fuck with him I don't fuck with you. He covertly tried to hang out with the bad dude and I found out because his boyfriend spilled the beans

8. He often minimizes my emotions. I've seen that he does it to me and to some other people too.

Oftentimes I'm not full blown angry. I'm just irritable. Oftentimes I'm not outwardly mad or angry but I'm shut down. I need to practice better self regulation. I need to understand when I'm crossing that nervous system threshold into bad territory where I am feeling twisted and mean inside.

That's when I'm most dangerous for my relationships. That's when I'm most prone to outbursts. Something switches in my nervous system and I start viewing things as obstacles to overcome and it can't happen fast enough and I start to feel the anger.

I start to have thoughts that sort of misread a situation and look at it and the people in it as obstacles to be overcome or destroyed. It's really hard.

I'm grown now but back when she was raising me it was really difficult. I have to say that I don't think she liked me very much and part of the reason for that is because I am white.

She resented the fact that I was caucasian and saw me as someone to be put in his place. She would never admit it but I feel this is true based on how she treated me.

It was super unfair to me that I had to deal with her hating on me for my white skin when it was something I couldn't help.

I'm angry about it to this day.

It sucks she had to deal with certain things because she was black but she shouldn't have made it my problem when there were so many other people she could have blamed.

But I was a vulnerable child. I wasn't responsible for the racist society in which she lived and it sucks that I was made to feel that way.

Warning. Do not read if you are concerned about your health. When things are going well my mind creates reasons and situations where things are actually going wrong. Most recently, as life has been going well, I have begun to worry extra about my health. My brain cannot give me a break. It's like...okay you think you have a future? Well guess what, that mark on your back is probably a skin problem because you secretly have kidney disease. I got over it a little bit with logic. I told my brain..."no, it's probably not that and whatever it is it's not acute so you have time to work on it and make it better. Also you have taken steps to better your health recently and that's all you can do".

And then when that was done with I found out that I got approved for an apartment and immediately my brain was like, "sure you got approved for the apartment but it's in another city and you have obligations in your current city and even though they end at such a time that you can take the apartment the reality is you shouldn't because something is going to happen to extend these obligations beyond when they are reasonably supposed to be done and then you will get in trouble."

I'm constantly making up reasons for things not to work out even though they frequently do. I live my life by attempting to avoid everything because of this feeling that everything is going wrong all the time even when it's not. I have avoided so much that you might even say I've avoided living life at all.

I wish I could see things more clearly.

Sometimes I just can't handle other peoples' feelings. It gets to a point where I feel I've done everything possible to help and change a situation but there is just nothing that can be done.

I listen

I am present physically

I offer help, actions and responses to what's happening

I enact those actions

Sometimes it gets to the point where I have nothing left and I say things that I truly regret.

That happened to me last night with someone I care about. They were going on and on and on and they wouldnt stop. They were crying and crying and crying and nothing was helping.

Finally I said some stuff I regret and I hurt their feelings with it. I just couldn't handle it. Days and days of the same stuff over and over. Days and days of them feeling this way.

I tried to leave at one point for a break. They said "so you are just going to leave me when I feel this way?"

And I was like..."what am I supposed to do. There is no way for me to alleviate this situation. There is nothing for me to do here. It's like when I was a kid with my drunk mother. Nothing can be done. Nothing is changing. It doesn't matter what I say. It's all the same if I'm here or not".

And that really hurt their feelings and I feel really bad. I'm not some fake matyr who needs to listen to others to perform being a good person but at the same time I can only do so much before I feel like it's a complete waste of everyone's time and my own feelings get hurt.

I was at my Dad's house as a kid. I didn't shower in God knows how long. When I came back my hair was literally dreadlocked. I was nasty.

I remember bringing this up years later to him and my stepmom.

Their response, "No that couldn't have happened. We never would have allowed that"

Well, actually guys, it did happen. Stuff like this happened lots in our house because you guys are extremely selfish and what little care I received was because you felt obligated to do it.

I know you felt obligated to take care of me because of all the times you yelled at me and acted like something you were doing for me was a giant favor.

Even stuff a child should expect like food. You acted like it was some favor that I should be eternally grateful for.

The results of this treatment went long into adulthood where anytime anyone did even the slightest favor for me or anytime someone was nice to me in the most basic and cursory way would cause me to be indebted to them emotionally.

That is what you taught me. How to be indebted to pieces of shit who treated me poorly at zero cost to them and every cost to me.